“Is this for the shower?” Emma asked.
I was going through my morning “get ready” routine while she and Devin waited patiently for me to take them to school.
“Yep,” I replied.
“What’s it do?” she asked.
“It takes your hair off,” I told her.  And causes chemical burns like a motherfucker, I thought.
“Ohhhhhhh,” she nodded, impressed with her [...]

“Hey, Smiley,” he said as he folded his 6 foot plus frame into the front seat of my two door convertible.
Smiley, he said.  And I did.  And in the same instant I forgot about how I had just spent the 30 minute drive over to his hotel wishing I had cleaned out my car.  The [...]

“Is being a mom hard?” she asked.
“Yes.”
I answered without hesitation.  Fear and a desire to understand better washed over her face almost imperceptibly.  She mentioned something about working and the things we do.
“It’s not taking care of them that’s hard.  I mean, you figure that out pretty quickly, just like with anything else.”
“Right,” I saw [...]

“Alright, Mom.  I have to go.”
Our morning conversation was beginning to bleed into my working hours and I could no longer ignore the screams from my inbox.
“OK, baby.  I love you.”
“I love you, too.  Thanks for listening to me be a raging whore all morning.”
“Mmm… I’d say raging bitch.”
“Oh.  Right.”
“Technically I don’t think I can [...]

I dated a guy in college who was obsessed with movie quotes.
He’d send me random text messages with lines from Jim Carrey movies and wait for me to guess the name of the movie.  He’d giggle if I got them right and strut if I got them wrong, impressed with his superior knowledge of movies [...]

.!.
“Mom, when are we going to change houses again?”
Emma doesn’t speak to me for the first half of our morning drive to daycare.  I think it takes her that long to get over being pissed about having to get up in the morning.  I can tell she’s over it when she suddenly launches into conversation.
“I [...]

There are two things you need to know to understand what I’m about to tell you:
1) Once in a while, I wear a thong. As in that underwear that is mostly loin cloth in the front and string up your butt in the back.
2) I haven’t been alone in a bedroom or bathroom since [...]

I pee with the door open.
It doesn’t matter where I am. If I am in mid-conversation and I have to go, I feel like it’s rude to shut the door and stop talking to you.
So I just go, man.
Is that weird?