You know that meme where you’re supposed to list [insert random # here] things about yourself that are “random” or “quirky”?

That meme that everyone’s done a million times and every single time you see it you want to stab yourself in the eyeballs and say I READ YOUR BLOG EVERY FUCKING DAY! GOOD LUCK COMING UP WITH SHIT I DON’T ALREADY KNOW!

You know. That one.

Sodapop has asked that I do it for you. In other words, blame her.

Internets, I give you SIX RANDOM QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME!

…..

Hmmm….

It seems that in my quest to keep it real, I may have already told you a hell of a lot of weird random shit about me. Did I mention I pee with the - oh. Yep.

Uhh…

Internets! I give you!

SIX RANDOM AND NOT AT ALL QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME THAT PROVE THAT I AM PERFECTLY NORMAL.

1. I watch Prime Time Network TV. Sitcoms, dramas, reality TV. All of it. I can tell you who won America’s Next Top Model, who is sleeping with who this season on Grey’s Anatomy, and exactly what is so funny about According To Jim.

I am middle America.

2. My boobs are totally and completely average. I don’t have to worry about men staring at my chest. I don’t make jokes about how difficult it is to run. And no one has ever tried to get me to take my shirt off in public.

They’re just boobs. Seriously.

3. I wear whatever underwear is clean. Sometimes that means they are lacy and pretty. Sometimes that means they are strappy and sexy. And sometimes that means they are cotton bikini briefs with an over stretched elastic waist band.

I am way past the point in my life where anyone gives a crap about my “panties”.

4. I read my kids a bedtime story if there’s time. Some nights we read books on the couch for a half an hour before bed. Some nights we race through one book, skipping pages with too many words. Some nights we skip the books all together and just sing “You Are My Sunshine” twice just before we shut off the light. And some nights you can hear me holler “I mean it! Go. to bed!”

If anyone ever makes a movie about me, I hope to God it’s not about my parenting.

5. I double dip. If you don’t know what that means, you probably do too. If you know what that means and you do it anyway - good for you! And if you’re one of those people who freaks the fuck out if someone takes a bite out of a chip and then redips in the community container…

Chill. Seriously. I’m not putting cooties in your fucking french onion dip.

6. I have a point and click camera that comes with no extra lenses and a very skinny owner’s manual. The pictures I take are “meh”. The pictures you take with those fancy schmancy Look How Cool I Am With My F-Stop and ISOP Adjuster Button Cameras - are admittedly awesome.

And the day I become a professional photographer is the day I can see my husband agreeing to spend the $500+ it takes to get one.

What’s totally normal and average about you?

You know, memes kind of suck. If you’re lucky you might learn something about the blogger - but you’ll probably just end up clicking Mark As Read before you even get to The Rules. They are boring and stupid and not in any way shape or form writing.

Which makes them perfect for Saturdays.

The Rules according to Delmer: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments. Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (I will cut you where you stand. That totally counts as “advice that matters”. Or maybe a warning. Whatever.)

2. Tell if someone is lying.

3. Take a photo. (Well, I don’t know how well I can take them, but I’m getting better at mutilating the shit out of them with Photoshop.)

4. Score a baseball game. (I also know what ERA and RBI stand for. I know, hot right?)

5. Name a book that matters.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (I used to live in Iowa. If I couldn’t cook without a grill we’d freeze before the ground thawed in April.)

8. Not monopolize the conversation. <-- You will notice that this is not bolded. Because at least I am self aware.

9. Write a letter.

10. Buy a suit.

11. Swim three different strokes. <<-- Also not bolded. Unless I can count doggy paddle and tread water as two separate strokes.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.

13. Throw a punch. (Throw it AND land it. Ask Luke Thompson, or whatever the hell that ignorant fuck’s name was.)

14. Chop down a tree. <-- hellllz to the No. Thank you.

15. Calculate square footage. (Length times Width my pretties.)

16. Tie a bow tie.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (We have discussed the Brittini, yes?)

18. Speak a foreign language. (Pig Latin is technically a language. As is Toddler. And Spanish.)

19. Approach a woman man out of his her league. Ahem. Actually, there is no such thing. Thank you very much.

20. Sew a button.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (As long as we’re both speaking English. Or Pig Latin. Or Toddler.)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. <-- ummmm, excuse me? I don't even know where to begin fixing the pronouns on this one.

23. Be loyal. (I make Lassie look like a loosey goosey whore.)

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I have no clue what that means. But I totally know what kind of poison I could use to kill Jared that would not be easily detected during a routine autopsy. I’m going to assume that’s what they mean. So, yes.)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Not only that, but I’m the one who baits the hook. And catches the fish, now that I think about it.)

27. Play gin with an old guy.

28. Play go fish with a kid. (Although seriously, I wish my kid was into go fish. But no. My kid wants to play an 8 hour round of Monopoly.)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

30. Feign interest. (Show me a blog commenter who can’t and I will show you a DAMN LIAR!)

31. Make a bed. (It’s not that I can’t…)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (The kind I like comes in a box and is pink. See?)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.

34. Dress a wound. (Where “dress a wound” equals “apply antibacterial goop and a band-aid”.)

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil. (I can do all of these things very easily. Step 1 is to get teary and say “Sir??”)

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (I kick ASS at craps. Unless my husband is standing near me. He has bad juju. His juju is so bad it pisses all over my awesome juju.)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.

38. Tell a joke.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Split eights or aces if the dealer is showing a bust card.)

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. <<--- my eight year old would insist I not bold this either.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. <<-- I will never understand why dogs like me. Seriously. People say animals are smart. But dogs LOVE me.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

44. Ask for help. (What? I can!)

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.

46. Tell a woman’s dress size. <<-- Actually, no. I have nooo concept of this on other women. I think everyone is an 8 or a 10.

47. Recite one poem from memory. (It is the moon, and Juliet is the sun.)

48. Remove a stain. (Really, I have come so far in life.)

49. Say no. (As in “do you mind doing me a favor?” No! Of course not!)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.

51. Build a campfire. (Not only that, I can start a fire IN THE WINTER, outside, with NO MATCHES OR LIGHTERS! I should have been a Boy Scout.)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Clearly.)

54. Break up a fight.

55. Point to the north at any time. <<--- I cannot stand it when people give directions using.. er... directions. Tell me LEFT or RIGHT. Do I look like a fucking compass to you?!

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (I could do this for both my husband and several of my friends. I’m a big one for “ooh, ooh, listen to this, isn’t this just like us?“)

57. Explain what a light-year is. (It is very, very far away. See?)

58. Avoid boredom.

59. Write a thank-you note. (I can write it. Remembering to put it in the mail? Not so much. I still have the thank yous from my wedding. True Story.)

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. <-- Not unless that brand is Totally Free Stuff I Would Pay You To Use.

61. Cook bacon.

62. Hold a baby.

63. Deliver a eulogy. (How bizarre is it that I have a post to link to for this?)

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap.

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (And hit you in the nose, too.)

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. (I’m assuming the alternative is lay down and die?)

69. Tie a knot.

70. Shake hands.

71. Iron a shirt. <<-- Um, not so much. No.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (I remember when I had to have an emergency bag for the car. Diapers, wipes, formulas, water, clean bottle, onesie, blanket.)

73. Caress a woman’s neck. <<-- well I suppose I could...

74. Know some birds. (I can pick a robin from a bluejay any day of the week!)

75. Negotiate a better price.

And thus ends this Saturday meme. What have you learned about me?

Greeneyezz tagged me damn near a week ago. For the record? I hardly ever do memes. There is far too much angst going on in my daily life to have time for memes! I am terribly, terribly important.

Unless, of course, you happen to say something like “MissBritt - Have read your blog, but didn’t get the chance to meet you at TeqCon. However, a few of the posts I’ve read has left me with a feeling of you being an ‘old soul’.”

Then I will meme the shit out of you. And also answer your questions…

What does true love mean to you?

By “old soul” do you think she meant “totally flailing about in the wind about this exact thing right now and won’t it be fun to watch her squirm“? Bitch.

In my head, I like to think that true love is this once in a life time You Know When You Know phenomenon. I imagine rainbows and fireworks and clicking and perfection. I think of phrases like The One and Meant To Be.

But I’m not so sure that’s true. “True” love implies that there is “less than true” love. And I think that’s probably bullshit.

I think love is pure and strong and lovely. And changing. And really, really hard in real life.

How do you know if you’re really in love?

When you find yourself consumed with their happiness instead of your own. And that’s OK, because you find out that one doesn’t come at the exclusion of the other.

How many times in your life have you fallen in love?

I think twice. It’s possible I would have fallen a third time, if I had allowed myself to wander that far down the rabbit hole.

Have you ever fell out of true love because you were mad in the moment?

Absolutely not. Love is not fleeting like lust or anger. It doesn’t come and go as quickly as a moment.

Do you feel love and physical attraction are the same thing?

Absolutely not. You can be physically attracted to someone without loving them. I also think that it is possible to love someone without being overcome with physical attraction.

I need to believe that’s true.

If your true love became ill or disfigured would you continue to love them the same way?

Of course not. I would continue to love them, but not in the same way. Just as I wouldn’t love someone in the same way if they continued to age, or grow, or learn. Love evolves as people do.

Should anyone else be able to tell you who to love or not love?

If only it were that easy. The human condition would be so much easier to endure if we could only love who we should and flee from the ones we should not.

Do you believe people that ended up divorced were ever truly in love?

In most cases, absolutely. Love changes. People change. Life changes. Sometimes it is impossible to keep all of those things changing in the same direction.

Would you give up something you want for someone you love?

That depends. I believe in compromise. I believe in wanting to put someone ahead of you. But I also believe that at a certain point if you are required to constantly “give up” for someone you love, you need to seriously assess if this “love” bit is a two way street.

If you truly love someone do you feel it should be unconditional?

Yes and no. I think that the feeling is unconditional.

But I also think that realistically you are talking about loving another flawed human being. In part, that’s why it is so important that love is unconditional. But at the same time, it also means that another person’s actions and choices have a tremendous amount of weight in your own life.

For example - if someone I love chooses to hit me, that is going to dramatically alter my ability to love them.

Jeeeeeeez. I’m depressed as hell now.

Anyone else?

We are finally at the half way mark of this incessantly long “100 Things About Miss Britt” series.

Let’s move quickly through the internal links and onto the meat and potatoes, shall we?

So far we’ve covered my family, my most memorable moments, and things that I hate.

Last week I enthralled you with 10 things that I love. The last thing that I mentioned loving was “making money“, which I know came as quite a shock for most of you. (Which reminds me, have you clicked on a Google ad today? Hmmmm?)

Because that fun fact was so terribly interesting, I thought we’d add on that today.

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I’ve Done To Make Money

1. I have sold insurance. Not the respectable kind, mind you. Oh no. I sold Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance. To JCPenney customers. Over the phone. “Mrs. Smith, I understand you have life insurance, and that’s great. But what if you don’t die? What if you just lose an arm or something? Do you know what an arm could be worth to you?”




2. I have sold radio advertising. The title they give you is “Account Executive”. But I assure you, there is nothing “executive” about schlepping into every mom and pop shop in town and presenting them with very pretty presentations printed out on copy paper, all in a desperate attempt to sell a $400 radio schedule. Everyone I knew thought it was pretty cool that I “worked at the station” though. “Oooh, do you get free tickets?” Yes, yes I did.




3. I have sold direct mail to car dealers. You know that junk mail you get promising you a free iPod and a chance to win $10,000 just for taking a test drive? Yep, that was me. And that shit? Actually works.




4. I have helped start, market and run an Internet affiliate company. Our very first product was “How to sell stuff on the Internet”. We figured if it worked - we had a good product.




5. I have sold vitamins and other nutritional goodies. Although really, I was selling a dream. Yep, I made my living for about three years doing multi-level-marketing. And it was a damn good living, too.




6. I have been a life coach. If you google my real name, the first slew of results that come up are for my work as a life coach. I specialized in helping people with small businesses. (Hello? Boss? Do you hear that? Maybe you should listen to my awesome ideas!!) It was the best job I ever had. “Let me tell you how to fix your life, OK?”




7. I worked as a telemarketer selling caller ID. My opening line was “Hey Chuck, don’t you freaking hate telemarketers like me? How about I help make sure you never have to talk to another annoying sales person again…” That worked really well. Especially if the guy’s name happened to be Chuck.




8. I day traded. The S&P 500, specifically. That actually was a lot of fun - although apparently it’s supposed to be stressful. It’s not stressful so much as really, really time consuming. You can barely get up to pee during trading hours. And, well, I have to pee a lot.




9. I have danced on a table. Hey, don’t you judge me! Most girls get drunk and hop up on bars just to be hoochie mamas. At least we got gas money! (Hi Mom!)




10. I also taught kids about Jesus. And the Pope. And the importance of Confession. OK, OK, you got me. I didn’t really do it for the money. Clearly, I was doing it so that the other parishioners would whisper about what a good person I was.

The end. You will kindly notice that I did not include mention of marrying for and/or having sex for money.

But swear to Betsy if the one I’m with now ever up and disappears, that’s going to be my plan B.

I’m running out of new and creative ways to say “Welcome to yet another addition of 100 Things About Me!”

And since this is only Part 4 of a 10 Part series, I see much FUBARedness in my future.

Look at that. We’re already three sentences in. Hollah!

Ahem. (Sorry about that. Never happen again. I promise.)

We have already covered my family, my most memorable moments, and things that I hate.

Today we are doing a complete 180 and focusing on things that I love. Now let me tell you right away - I’m not listing my husband or my kids blah blah duh duh yada yada obvious. I am not a bad woman with fucked up priorities - don’t fucking email me. Instead, let’s take a look at a few more interesting other things that make me go pitter patter in my heart, shall we?

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Love

1. I love my iPhone. Did you know I have an iPhone? Because I do. I totally do. And I love it to bits and bits because it is awesome. If this is what it’s like to have a Mac, I get it. (And I owe a few “Mac Obsessed Fucktards” an apology. Heh.)




2. I love that Prince needs a hip replacement. Does that mean he is old? Possibly too old for someone my age to lust after in such an impure way? No. Oh, no. What that means is that it will be easier for me to catch his sexy ass.




3. I love Dirty Dancing. You might like that movie. But I assure you, no one loves that movie like I do. Sure, you know “nobody puts baby in a corner”. But do you tell your husband on a daily basis that you “did it for nothing! I hurt my family… you lost your job anyway… I did it for nothing!”? And then continue to chastise yourself because “no! Not for nothing, Baby! No one’s ever done anything like that for me.”? Hmmm? Do you? I think not.




4. I love being left the fuck alone. Not always. Usually I’m a pretty social person. But once in a while, when the fates blow my way and by some fluke of nature I am left all by myself in my house… for a few peaceful hours… I love that.




5. I love being right. Which is probably why I’m generally such a happy person. Because I’m pretty much always right. (Oh I’m kidding! (Except you know I’m totally not (of course I am! (not.))))




6. I love when I find a book that makes me neglect everything else. My current addiction is Harry Potter. (And I owe a few “freaking morons who are obsessed with a kid’s book” an apology. Heh.) I picked up the first book from the series my son got for Christmas in an effort to give us something to talk about. And while we have had much fun discussing Muggles and the future of the Ministry, I have to admit I’m well into the fifth book simply because I can’t put it down. I love when that happens.




7. I love smoking a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section and running naked through the street, with green Jell-O all over my body, reading Playboy magazine. OK, I stole that. And I’m totally not into green Jell-O. But I am really passionate about ensuring that if I ever get the urge to do that, I can. Few things get me as hot as civil liberties.




8. I love the beach. I love the way the sound of the waves makes me feel big, while the endless stretch of the horizon makes me feel small. I love how young I feel when I squish my toes into the sand. I love how simple life is when I’m teaching my kids how to jump with the tides. It’s the only place in nature where I’m really alive and at ease, all at the same time.




9. I love reaching people that others avoid. Whether it’s the gruff old man that most people fear, the quiet person at the office that your co-workers ignore, or the abrasively loud class clown that most people simply laugh at as they pass by. Those are the people that interest me most - the ones that have to be drawn out or stood up to. I love being able to see new sides of someone.




10. I love making money. More specifically, I love coming up with new and creative ways to make money. Not because I’m a superficial whore (that’s why I wear make up and cute shoes), but because the challenge is a rush for me. It’s not the money - it’s the win. Business is like a life sized board game. I love marketing and advertising and the sense of satisfaction I get when something works. My brain is wired differently than most people. I look at the world and tilt my head and wonder… how can that be turned into a profit stream?

And so ends a random sampling of things that I love.

Next week we’ll do… uh… er… I have no idea. Any suggestions?

(Psst… Kapgar, this is how you pander for comments!)

See you tomorrow for another addition of How Much Free Shit Can We Suck Out Of Miss Britt?!

Blogging was made for bitching.

Whether it’s about slow drivers, unruly children, or spouses who can’t seem to pick up their own underwear, the blogosphere is constantly atwitter with our gripes. And while we would in no way suggest you stop bitching, once in a while it’s nice to stop and remember some of those people who makes us forget about the dirty underwear.

It is because of those people that Karen, Hilly and I decided to launch The RAP Sheet.

Out here in Blogaritaville, there are some Ridiculously Awesome People. People who touch us, who make us laugh, who make us want to reward them with a cutesy graphic. Those are the people we add to The RAP Sheet.

This month, my contribution to The RAP Sheet is the absolutely lovely Selma from Selma In The City.

I’m excited to be able to share Selma with you all because, for the most part, we have vastly different readerships. (I know! Can you imagine?!? Someone from outside your usual blogging circle?!?!) Her blog is also very different from mine and a lot of other blogs out there in that she… hold on… writes.

Not like I write. With half-assed sentences and abhorrent grammar. And lots of sentences that start with “and”.

No. Selma actually writes like a grown up. A grown up with a vivid mind and beautiful vocabulary.

But that’s not why I put her on The RAP Sheet. Truth be told, The RAP Sheet was started specifically to look at the person behind the blog - writing be damned. And that’s why Selma is here. Because behind her elaborate imagery is one of those big mushy hearts that makes you miss your favorite aunt.

She would invite you for tea and you would find an excuse to stay all afternoon. She personifies kindness.

And Lord knows the blogosphere could use a little more of that.

What about YOU? Do you know some Ridiculously Awesome People that the Internet should know about? Do you just want to be part of spreading around a little Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy - even if it will take you the rest of the month to think of someone? Contribute to next month’s Rap Sheet!

And if you want to play along this month? DO! And you just might find yourself qualified for some snazzy prizes come Sunday…

Welcome back for another addition of OMG LISTS GIVE ME REASONS TO POST ON SATURDAY!

Or, 100 Things About Me.

We’ve already covered 10 things about my family and 10 of my most memorable moments. Today we cap off a particularly moody week for me with another 10 things in a particularly moody vein.

I don’t like to use the word hate. I mean, I do (quite frequently actually), but I like to be one of those people who says they don’t like to use the word hate. Nonetheless, I give you…

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Hate

1. I hate when people don’t like me. I can’t decide if it’s a sign of immaturity on my part or an inherently vulnerable nature. But it bothers me. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stupid fucking troll whose opinion shouldn’t count - it still stings. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fight through the fact that it bothers me. Right now, I’m just trying to accept that it does.




2. I hate reformed smokers. Not all reformed smokers - because quitting is hard and if you can do it, good on you. But don’t wrinkle your fucking nose up at me like I’ve got the plague or am suddenly a second class citizen. I’m not going to smoke in your house or blow smoke in your pretty little face. Save your contempt for a weakness that you haven’t shouldered yourself.




3. I hate Crocs. And OMG do not talk to me about how they are comfortable. You can get shoes that are comfortable and do not look like you just waded in off the nearest gay pride fishing boat. No, the little buttons you put on your neon pink styrofoam shoes do not make them fashionable. Your legs look short and dumpy and your feet look too big for your body. For the love of God, if you have to do comfortable get yourself a pair of Vans or Doc Martens or something made of a material that is not used to package electronic equipment.




4. I hate overly intrusive waiters. I’m here to eat. And talk to the person I’m not paying to bring me my fucking food. Do your job, be polite, and quit trying to entertain me. Pretending to be my new BFF is not going to earn you a bigger tip.




5. I hate wind on my face. Or rather, I hate air moving on my face. I can’t sit in front of a fan. When I have the air on in the car, I have to turn the vents away from me. It just bugs the shit out of me.




6. I hate arrogant adults. When you’re 18 you’re supposed to think you know it all, or you’d be too paralyzed with fear to ever head out into the world on your own. But if you’re over the age of 21 and you still think you have it all figured out, you’re a fool. And worse than that, you’re wasting all of the opportunities that life has to offer you. There is something to be learned from everyone and everything you encounter. If you’re already done learning… you might as well be dead.




7. I hate sushi. Blech. Yes, I’ve tried it. Yes, that kind too. It all tastes like what I imagine nasty poontang would taste like. Even if there is no fish in it, it tastes like it’s been dipped in vajajay juice that is not properly PH balanced.




8. I hate foods that shouldn’t go together. Like fruit and meat. That’s just not right.




9. I hate mean people. It’s not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not groundbreaking or edgy. It’s vile and disgusting and a blight on the face of humanity. The best purpose you can hope to serve in this world is to be a catalyst for growth and change by people who do not suck.




10. I hate lying. My mom used to tell me that the two worst things you could do to another person were “lie and be mean.” In my head I assumed that lying must be the worst then, because it was mean to lie to someone. I try really, really hard not to lie. Whenever I am faced with the opportunity to do it, my stomach gets twisted and I feel like I’m filled with black goo. The most hurtful thing you could ever do to me is lie.

Blech. God, I feel like I need a shower now.

Tomorrow will be more fun with new contests and prizes.

And next week? Next week, I think it’s only fair to share 10 Things That I Love.

Before we get into today’s post, some quick housekeeping.

The first WORLD’S WORST CONTEST! is officially closed. Thank you all for playing, and congratulations to Summer for this winning comment:

Ok, I’m entering your contest but I don’t have anything I can use itunes for, I’m not very awesome so you’d be hard pressed to come up with a video or post about me and I have my own boobies I can see whenever I want, which is never so that leaves the Amazon certificate.Thank goodness I don’t have to be funny to win.

Summer, shoot me an email at britt at miss-britt dot com so you can claim your prize!

And a last minute second place prize goes to Janelle, who requested a video post.

(Holy shit. I just watched Janelle’s video and… um… let’s just say that a lot of people who requested a different prize… well… er… *blush*)

And speaking of winning?

Considering I’ve been accused of having “no filter”… it’s amazing how many things I’ve left unsaid:

1. I wish that it had been harder for you to get over me. After all these years, that’s what hurts the most.




2. I made all the effort in our friendship. As soon as I stopped having the time to do that, our friendship fell apart. But I’m not angry at you about it, because I’m too busy missing how close we were.




3. I don’t want to be with you. But it is going to kill me when you fall in love with someone else.




4. I would be relieved if you died, because you couldn’t hurt anyone else ever again.




5. It makes me uncomfortable when you compliment me. I don’t have anything near as nice to say in response.




6. I live in constant fear that you’ll expose my secrets.




7. I don’t like your child. I want to, really badly, because of how much you mean to me. But I can’t. I wish I could tell you that you’re raising a mean little shit that most people can’t stand to be around.




8. You’re not stupid. Sometimes I let you think that, but it’s not true.




9. Despite what I tell you on the phone, I don’t miss you near as much as I thought I would.




10. My problem with your spouse is that you deserve better.

Thanks to Shelli and Avitable for the inspiration.

Over the next several weeks I’m going to be sharing with you a little more about myself (because sometimes I just don’t feel like you know enough about me) in the form of a “100 Things” list.

Or, rather, 10 Lists of Ten Things That Eventually Add Up To 100 Things About Me. But that will never fit on a T-Shirt.

Anyway, last week we covered Part 1: 10 Things About My Family. This week, as promised, we move on to the next 10 things…

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Most Memorable Moments

1. The day my daughter was born. No disrespect to my son, but having my daughter was a complete 180 of Motherhood Take One. The day was perfect and almost painless. The brief moment of intense pain I had was easily handled by praying the Rosary with my mom. We were surrounded by friends and family and it is one of the few moments that both mine and Jared’s family really shared.




2. Of course, the day my son was born was memorable too, for different reasons. In 18 short hours I went from a scared 19 year old kid to a scared 19 year old kid who was responsible for someone else’s life. Unlike Emma’s birth, it was hard and painful and the day was less about Jared and I and our families and more about me and my family. When I saw the movie Juno, it was this day and that support from my family that I remembered while I bawled my eyes out.




3. My first professional public speaking engagement started off terrifying but left me high on adrenaline. The first thing I said into the mic was “I don’t know whether to pea my pants or puke.” Sometimes I wish the people in my current life had seen that part of my old life.




4. My wedding day was exactly what I wanted it to be. When my little brother sang “I Will Be Here”, everyone in the church cried - including the men. The reception was absolutely the best party I’ve ever been to. I can remember each detail of the day perfectly, including everyone I hugged as we walked out of the church.




5. The night I danced with Prince. I am not exaggerating when I say this remains one of the highlights of my life. I don’t care what that says about me, it keeps me warm at night.




6. December 19, 1995 - or, the day I lost my virginity. My husband would hate the idea of me remembering this night, since he was in no way a part of it. And while I wish sometimes that neither of us had any history before each other… I was really lucky. My “first time” was planned and perfect. It wasn’t a bad decision in the backseat a car on some deserted gravel road. And I maintain to this day, I was very much in love with the other person. That’s more than a lot of people can say.




7. The night I watched my brother be taken out of our house against his will. The people from the school came in the middle of the night, knowing he’d be less able to fight back if they woke him from a sound sleep. I didn’t live at home anymore, but I went to the house to be there with my mom. She refused to let me come downstairs, afraid that he would see me and focus his anger at me instead of her. But from my post upstairs I could hear everything. And the scene from the window as they led him to the van is burned in my memory… he put his head in hands… so lost… so defeated… so much more the little boy I remembered than the angry young man he’d become.

   There are times now when I worry that we’re disconnected from one another, and I remember that night and how my heart broke in my chest for him. And I know that I love him more than he could ever realize.




8. The day I moved out of my parent’s house and into my first apartment. I was 18, newly graduated from high school, and too headstrong and independent for my own good. Early in the morning my mom and I had an argument that quickly led to a reminder that as long as I “lived in her house, I would follow her rules”. All of my things were moved out of my bedroom that night.




9. The night my Nana died. My mom and I had been in Florida for almost two weeks… waiting. The night she finally died was so surreal - an end to the waiting, the beginning of a reality that none of us were really prepared for. Driving home from the hospital that night, I kept thinking that the world did not make sense without her in it.




10. Easter of 2005 - the night Jared and I joined the Catholic Church. Both of our families were there - parents, siblings (mine at least) and grandparents. I took the name “Mary”… and I can’t remember for the life of me what name Jared took. But I remember watching him receive the Eucharist for the first time, and the long, quiet pause after he received the Body and seemed to take it all in. I miss the magic I felt that night.

And there you have it! 10 of the moments that have led to me being who I am today.

Next week? Umm… 10 Things I Hate!

(P.S. Tomorrow will be the first Sunday Contest)

With the redesign of the new template, the old 100 things list is gone. And really, it needed to go. It was out of date and blah blah boring zzzz blah.

So I’ve decided to regale you all with a fresh! new! 100 random things about me!

Over the next several weekends, I’ll share 10 random facts per post, broken down into a few different categories. (Someone somewhere did this, but I don’t know who…)

ANYway, this week I give you

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things About My Family

1. My Nana (my maternal grandmother) was born in Australia. She came to the United States when she got married. When my Nana came here and got married, she gave up her family title of Lady Derbyshire to do so.




2. When I was growing up, my mom and I were poor as hell and a part of me resented the fact that my grandmother had given up some “right” to a privileged lifestyle. While we were eating food bank cheese (well, technically, I ate less than I hid), I was fantasizing about someone showing up ala Princess Diaries to restore my birthright!




3. My Dad is adopted. He has absolutely no interest in knowing his biological parents. My sister and I have always wondered about the woman who passed on her genetic material to us.




4. I am, by birth, an only child. In reality, I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. There was a time in my life, several divorces ago, when I would have said I had 10 brothers and sisters.




5. I grew up with my two brothers and our mom. Because of that, I have always been closer to those two siblings than my other two - although I obviously love them all.




6. My baby brother, my junior by nine years, has always been extremely special to me. I don’t love my other siblings any less, but our relationship is and always has been unique. No disrespect to our mother, but I love him like a son.




7. My two dads walked me down the aisle when I got married. But it was my mother who stood up and gave me away.




8. As dysfunctional as we all sound, I think my relationships with my family are deeper and richer than my husband’s relationships with his very “traditional” and outwardly functional family.




9. My paternal grandparents live in the same house they got married in. It is my Home, in every sense of the word. It represents security and consistency and is the only physical place in the world I have tangible roots to.




10. My mom and dad divorced when I was about 18 months old. Thankfully, all of the memories I have of them together are amicable. They have always gotten along remarkably well, and my mom is still very much apart of his extended family.

And that’s it! A tiny peek into what we merrily refer to as Dysfunction Junction!

Next Saturday: 10 Most Memorable Moments!

(I know, you wait with bated breath…)