On Monday, Avitable had to… er… step in for me. It seems I was slightly unavailable for posting.

Adam determined the best way to distract you from my untimely drunkenness was with a contest. Now I owe one of you bastards a prize. (Thanks Adam!)

But who? Who will be the lucky bastard?

First - the answers:

Britt loves chocolate.
A. True
B. False
C. Only if it’s at my (Adam’s) house.

There is something missing in my girl gene. I don’t get chocolate cravings. I don’t fantasize about Godiva. I don’t really even like chocolate all that much. Unless it belongs to someone else. Everything tastes better when it has to be stolen.

Britt has known her husband since she was:
A. 13
B. 19
C. 16
D. 8

We met in middle school (or junior high, for you old folks) when my family moved into Holy Hell Small Town Batman, Iowa. This was also the year we dated for the first time. Where dating = “going out” and “going out” = we sat together once on a school bus.

Which of the following is NOT one of the phrases that Britt says in real life?
A. Suck my dick
B. I will stab you
C. Woo hoo fuck yeah!
D. That’s what I doooo!

That phrase is a complete and utter figment of Avitable’s imagination. No one says that. It doesn’t even make any sense. “Suck my dick” and “I will stab you”, on the other hand, have many, many uses.

How does Britt feel about anal sex?
A. If done right, it’s awesome.
B. No pain is worth any amount of pleasure.
C. Only if she can reciprocate.
D. After 10 Brittinis, all holes are open for business.

And I do not want to here about “if it’s done right” from you sick fucks. “If it’s done right” is entirely too close to “but if it’s not HOLY JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH YOU HAVE DONE RIPPED OPEN MY ANUS!!” for comfort. Thank you very much.

Which of the following activities occurred over the last two years?
A. Britt moved to Florida
B. Britt worried about taking Emma to a speech therapist.
C. Britt and her mom had a falling out and then made up.
D. Britt almost became single.
E. All of the above.

And each and every one has been laboriously reported on this blog. Because I? Have no shame. Or respect for personal boundaries. (Hi Mom!!)

Which of the following movies does Britt love?
A. Steel Magnolias
B. Armageddon
C. The Godfather
D. Both A and B
E. Both B and C
F. Both A and C

Technically, I like all three. But I have a sick fascination with Steel Magnolias and The Godfather. I consider both to be valuable handbooks for life. Especially if you’re trying to go legit.

Finish the sentence: One night, Britt thought she lost a ____ in her _____.
A. mouse, pantry
B. check, purse
C. tooth, steak
D. tampon, vagina

Sigh. Big, heavy, I cannot believe I am still having to link to this SIGH.

A Brittini is made from the following ingredients:
A. Vodka and Crystal Light
B. Rum and Milk
C. Tequila and Crystal Light
D. Vodka and Pineapple-Orange Juice.

Because it’s low carb goodness!

Britt works in what industry?
A. Nursing
B. Sales
C. Appliance Repair
D. Motivational Speaking

I don’t know why he didn’t list Mind Control. That is clearly the correct answer. We will also accept “B”.

What did Britt want to do when she grew up?
A. Go into space
B. Practice civil rights law
C. Perform heart surgery
D. Race stock cars.

I don’t think this should come as a surprise. I have a Justice Complex the size of Texas (ha! the irony!). I believe in principles and fairness and fighting for the underdog. I slobber at the feet of the ACLU.

How’d you do? Good enough to win? What was the prize again? Why do we put all the free stuff behind the fold?

(Sorry Karl…)

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Alright. Fine. I admit it.

I SUCK AT CONTESTS!

Happy?

Now, let’s get on to giving away some free stuff.

(OH. Yeah. I’m not too shabby now, am I?)

From the last caption contest (yes, I know! Weeks ago. Stop judging me!!!):

Congratulations Sarcasticmom. There were a lot of funny ones in the bunch - but this one made me snort the hardest. (And also did not reference my birthmark as a zit. It’s a birthmark!!! Fuckers.)

You win… uh… did I ever say what you win? (Best. Contest. EVER!) I think a Pro Flickr account. Email me.

Moving right along - we have TWO WINNERS of the book Unpredictable, which I highly recommended.

Through the use of fancy randomizers and three Oompa Loompas, the winners we have chosen are:

Amanda and Fogspinner (who apparently doesn’t have a link I can find. Best. Contest. EVER!)

Email me with your addresses so that I can send you naked telegrams your book!

(Please do not unsubscribe from my feed based on the content of this weekend’s posts. Seriously. I know.)

I know what you’re thinking. I do.

“Britt - you have TWO freaking contests open already that you haven’t announced winners for.”

I know.

(To those of you who were NOT thinking that because you were instead thinking “OMG I hate blog contests. Boooorrrrrinng!” Well pin a rose on your nose! Or something.)

This one is different - because I AM NOT IN CHARGE! I know. Hallelujah.

I am, however, a judge. (I know. I’m important. I can’t help it.)

Here’s what’s up for grabs: $25 Amazon gift card. And? Fame. Notoriety. The love and admiration of all of Blogaritaville. OK. That’s a lie. 78% of Blogaritaville will love and admire you. The other 22% will piss and moan about what makes you so special.

Ahem. I digress.

Here is how the contest works:

Comb through your site and find a quote or two about Motherhood.

For example:

• “In 18 short hours I went from a scared 19 year old kid to a scared 19 year old kid who was responsible for someone else’s life.”




• “When you give birth your life stops. And it may resume again 18+ years later when your services are no longer needed, thank you, here’s your gold watch, good night.”




• “I think I had always figured motherhood was something I had taken on, survived, an obligation I had stepped up to the best I could because that was the situation I found myself in. I seriously doubted I was as good a mother as the stay at home mom who had played house since she could walk.”




• “There are a million things you can do that will piss me off, and I will not hesitate to ground your asses to your rooms for eternity if need be. But I will always, always love you.”




• “Remember, mommy is always 2 seconds away from crazy. You never know when… you never know why… but know that it is possible…”




• “It’s a strange thing to see your child through someone else’s eyes. It’s even stranger to see them with gifts and abilities that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your parenting.”




• “Do you think it’s possible to teach a two year old to play hard to get?”




• “Whoever said Independence is a beautiful thing, never met my two-year old.”




• “This is our day. Evenly. No one gets more or less claim on Mother’s Day.”

See how I did that?

Once you’ve got them, go HERE and enter to win!

The. End.

OK, I lied. Not the end. I also have to promise that TOMORROW I will announce the actual real live winners of the last two contests.

Now, does anyone remember what those contests were??

My dear, sweet, wonderful, brilliant readers…

Have I told you how pretty you look today? And that your ass looks amazing in those pants? No? Well you do. And it does.

Oh, and, by the way, I have a favor to ask of you.

AND IT REQUIRES NO MONEY! Not a dime this time! I swear!!

Now, back to this favor.

My dear, sweet, wonderful, brilliant reader - I have a dream. A dream that can only come true with a little bit of help from you. Well, a little more than a little bit of help. Mediocre help, really. Mediocre.

Shit. This is hard.

OK, here it is: I really want to go to BlogHer in San Francisco.

There, I said it. I know it sounds dorky and I should absolutely be too cool to want this. But? Well, we all know I’m not cool.

Did you also know I am not above groveling?

>Here is where the favor comes in<

John Wiley & Sons (that would be a publishing company) is sponsoring a BlogHero Contest. The grand prize is a free trip to BlogHer.

To be honest, winning a trip is the only way I’m getting to San Francisco this year.

And all you have to do is convince a panel of judges that I am some kind of rock star hero! See? Mediocre favor.

Oh. And. By the way. “Rock star hero” has some relatively specific pesky little guidelines. According to the good people at John Wiley & Sons, a BlogHer Hero is someone who “demonstrates Passion, Innovation, and the Ability to Inspire A Community”.

Heh. Like I said, mediocre favor.

Now, I’ve been digging around in my archives for five minutes forever in an effort to find some handy examples you could reference when demonstrating my Passion, Innovation and Ability to Inspire A Community. I may, in fact, be quite fucked.

Unless, of course, someone at John Wiley & Sons is Inspired by my Passion for Prince Sweat. And my ability to spearhead a beer fund. Which, I suppose, is totally plausible In My Own Head. (Totally unrelated aside: I wonder if sodomizing the rules of the English Language is considered innovative…)

Do you suppose I could be the first person (and therefore the innovator) to do really poorly executed Photo Essays? Surely I am the first person to struggle with homemade guacamole. Right?

ANYway. Where was I?

Ah yes - you were about to do me a favor.

Could you, if you feel so moved, run on over here and nominate me?

And. Um. Could you also maybe give your fellow Miss Britt readers some ideas in the comments section? Because seriously - this is going to take a frickin’ miracle.

Wait! No! I mean… uh…

Anything is possible if you believe! Together we can make this happen! A few minutes out of your day could change one woman’s life FOREVER!

(That was inspiring, right?)

One of the “perks” of pretending to be a moderately popular blogger is that you can convince authors and publicists to send you free stuff.

Well, free books anyway. I’m still waiting for someone to send me free shoes.

But books? Books are easy to come by. They’re desperate for any type of “publicity” and I’m desperate for something to keep me up late at night and remind me of those carefree days before I had kids. As an added bonus, I get to drop “oh, yes, I need to finish up that book review for this author” into random conversations with my in-laws. I think that makes me sound terribly important and grown up.

I always assumed the most difficult part of getting a free book was that I had to discuss it on my blog, without tanking my readership with the horrific boringness that is A Blog Book Review. Because seriously? Oh. My. God. Boring. Mark as read. Unsubscribe. Yawwwwwwn. I know.

Ahem. ANYway, I was wrong. The most difficult part of getting a free book is reading said book and discovering that… it kind of sucks.

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We have a winner from last week’s contest!

(I know, you’ve been all atwitter just waiting for this news.)

Congratulations Just Me! Email me to claim your fabulous prize - a Flickr Pro Account!

Think you can do better?

(Of course you do. You’re a blogger. It’s in our genetic makeup or something.)

Take a peek at this week’s unflattering self portrait in need of a caption:

Make me proud bitches!

(Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with all the calling of bitches either. Forgive me.)

I’m working on becoming a professional photographer.

OK, that’s a lie.

But I HAVE been taking a lot of pictures lately. And I AM considering adding a “photo blog” section to this site.

I’ve got my debut picture all picked out. But professional photo bloggers need captions. And for the life of me, I can’t come up with one.

Can you help?

Caption this!

Winner gets gifted a Flickr Pro account (or something similar if you’ve got one, I guess.)

Annnnddd….

Go!

(P.S. The winner of the Send Hilly to Philly Fundraising contest was announced yesterday here. And yes, we did raise enough money to send Hilly to Philly. In fact, you guys surpassed our needs in about 24 hours. The extra cash was sent to a few other bloggers who are also going to Philly and were trying to get hotels, etc. You guys? Are awesome. Now… Caption my picture!)

Internets, I need you.

“Oh no, she’s going to ask us to tell her how wonderful and pretty and great she is. Again.”

No. No! It’s not that this time, I promise. (Although, it’s always nice to hear you’re pretty. Ya know?)

By the way, you look pretty today.

“Shit. She’s going to ask us to send her cash or presents or something. Again.”

Ahem. Well. Actually. Heh. Um. Yesss… kind of. Sort of.

WAIT! Hear me out.

*Please picture me batting my eyes at you… here.*

You see, there is this little blogger get together thing called TequilaCon. And I’m going. I have my airplane ticket and my hotel (which I got for $70 less than someone else got the exact same room for, btw) and as soon as all of these people get the heck out my house, my bags will be packed and I’ll be on my way.

And I cannot even tell you how much I’m looking forward to a weekend away where I can get ridiculously drunk relax with other bloggers.

Because life around here? It’s been pretty stressful lately. And I’m needing some Me time with my friends in the worst possible way.

But…

There is a problem.

There is another blogger who needs a getaway and some loving from her blogging friends even more than I do.

Her bags were all packed. She was ready to go. She had been biding her time through the long winter months, clinging to the pick me up that she was certain a mid-spring weekend away would give her.

And then, last week, she found out she was not going to be able to go.

She had the time off work. She’d checked out all the flight options. Nothing was standing in her way. Except… an unexpected pisser in the Econ Department.

People, I need you to help me get Hilly to Philly!

I’ve already finagled her hotel accommodations, and Avitable has made arrangements with a local pimp to get her beer money. But that goddamn air plane ticket is going to be another $300.

This is where YOU come in.

$300 sounds like a lot. I know this, man. But $300 divided by… oh… say… 100 people? That’s what - uh… um… (clickity click on the calculator…) $3 a piece! Or! Wait! Wait! Let’s say just 30 people give $10! Or 300 people give $1! Or -

Shit. Lost the train…

Ahem. ANYway.

Buy me a drink and you can help send Hilly to TequilaCon. What’s the cost of a drink? $3? $5? (I drink vodka, please keep that in mind!) By simply donating the cost of one drink - you will help us help our HillySue get the weekend away that she so desperately needs right now.

*Please picture my pouty “please, please, please do something nice here with us” face… right here.*

“But Britt, what’s in it for ME? I don’t even get to go to TequilaCon!”

I understand. I do. And if you can swing the 500 or so bucks to come join us - please! Do! But if you can’t swing 500 bucks and a spare weekend right now, won’t you give a couple dollars that you’ve got laying around in a PayPal account so that you can be part of the experience!?

No?

OK. Fine. You fuckers drive a hard bargain. I’ll tell you what. Everyone who donates and/or puts the following buttons in a post (use the code provided) asking your readers to come here and donate will be entered into a drawing for a $50 Amazon gift certificate! Plus? I will love you forever and send you pictures of the drunken debauchery relaxing.

<a href="http://miss-britt.com/2008/03/send-hilly-to-philly/" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/hillytophillyblue.gif" border="0">

<a href="http://miss-britt.com/2008/03/send-hilly-to-philly" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.avitable.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/hillytophillypink.gif" border="0">

That is all.

Oh. Wait.

I’m done now.

The Eagle has landed.

Or rather, the first Eagle in a series of many. The first guest of the month, my baby brother, arrived in Florida late last night and will be staying with us until Friday (at which point I will cry and cry and probably collapse into a depressed heap (oh wait! No! I won’t have time for that because my dad and step mom will already be here!)).

I’ve decided that in an effort to spend time with him AND still maintain the blog (because God knows we can’t let the blog suffer because of family), I will be using his cuteness to provide me with content.

And I need your help.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time for another Contest!

Creed and I will be doing a video post for you all later this week, and I’d like you to provide me with the fodder.

Here are the rules:

• In the comments section, please leave a question you’d like Creed (my youngest brother) to answer on the video.
• These questions can be about him, or about me. For example “why is Britt the most awesomest sister in the world?”
• Winners will be chosen at random. As will questions that are actually answered.
• Questions must be submitted by 9:00pm EST on Monday.

Up for grabs this week?

A $25 Home Depot Gift Card

Here are a few posts that might give you a teeny bit of insight into our relationship. Although to be honest? I don’t think anything can prepare you for the force that is Creed. Except maybe… Me.

Ready… set… go!

(Oh, and the results of last week’s contest are below the fold.)

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As I’m sure you know, because you read me every single day no matter what is going on in your life, today is Contest Day!

And, as you also know, because you follow me more closely than your cholesterol, I added another rockstar to The RAP Sheet on Friday. And on Thursday I told you that your chances to win this week’s prize would have something to do with The RAP sheet.

So I am sure that today’s Contest will come as no surprise for you, but will only serve to satisfy the overwhelming anticipation that has been building for you. Are you prepared?

All you have to do to be eligible for this week’s prize is find a Ridiculously Awesome Person… and let them know they rock your socks.

OK, that’s a lie. Once you let them know, you also have to let me know that you let them know so that I know that you let them know. Got it?

No?

Let me break it down.

The RAP Sheet is:

Whether it’s about slow drivers, unruly children, or spouses who can’t seem to pick up their own underwear, the blogosphere is constantly atwitter with our gripes. And while we would in no way suggest you stop bitching, once in a while it’s nice to stop and remember some of those people who makes us forget about the dirty underwear.

It is because of those people that Karen, Hilly and I decided to launch The RAP Sheet.

Out here in Blogaritaville, there are some Ridiculously Awesome People. People who touch us, who make us laugh, who make us want to reward them with a cutesy graphic. Those are the people we add to The RAP Sheet.

So, once a month, we take a minute to acknowledge someone who is just really awesome. (Because we went to school in the 90’s and think it’s still cool to use that word. A lot.) This isn’t about how they blog or how cluttered their template may or may not be. It’s not about their ability to string together an eloquent post (although past RAP Sheet honorees definitely have some massive skills at that too).

This is a chance for us to remember that, for many of us, we’re not just nameless faces behind a monitor. The internet is made up of more than freaks and geeks and anonymous cartoons.

And sometimes, if you’re lucky, you stumble across some really awesome amazing people.

So what’s this got to do with you winning something?

I want you to play along. Karen, Hilly and I have had much fun doing this… and I’d really like to spread the happy happy joy joy around a little bit.

So, here are the rules:

• The contest will be open from now to Tuesday, March 4 at Midnight EST.
• Between now and then, you need to post your own RAP Sheet entry. (You can see examples here, here and here. If you need help with the graphic, let me know.)
• Then come back HERE and leave a comment (or a pingback) letting us know who you added!
• You AND the person you added will be entered into the contest!<.li>
• Winner will be chosen at random from all of entries posted here.

And what fabulous prizes do we have for you this week?

Since I clearly have no freaking concept of what you guys really want to win, we’ll go back to the Pick Yo Prize mode. The winner will choose from:

• $25 Gift Certificate to Amazon
• $25 iTunes Gift Certificate
• Guest Post on Your Blog OR video post dedicated to your awesomeness (since some of you are crazy and don’t want cash)
• Netflix Gift Certificate (for those of you who missed out last week)

That’s all I’ve got for you here. Get out there and spread the Awesomeness!