“By the way, I’m guest hosting a radio show Sunday night.”

“Mmm Hhm. That’s nice.”

“Well, I mean an Internet show. Obviously.”

“OK. Whatever babe.”

“It might be a feature show. It’s about man bashing.”

“Oh nice, Britt. Real nice. Jeez. I mean that just figures. I can’t - ”

“I’m against man bashing, dumbass.”

“Oh. Heh. Well.”

“I have a son, you know.”

“And what about your loving husband?”

“Yeah, well, there’s still time for me to switch sides.”

Tune in to Turnbaby Talks - a BlogTalk Radio Show - on Sunday at 8pm EST. Turnbaby will be talking with Hilly and I, and all of her lovely listeners, about man bashing.

I’m still on the fence about which team I’ll be rooting for.

I’m sure you are all sick of hearing about my trip to New York City (especially if you follow me on Twitter too) - and we still have over a month of this crap to go.

But… er… I haven’t got a good excuse for talking about it again. I will, however, promise to write about something universally interesting tomorrow. Which you just know means the only thing I’m going to be able to come up with is Vaginas or Bad Cooking. Universal.

ANYway - here are the details you need to know:

I will be flying in via JetBlue on Friday June 27th. I’m staying in Midtown near Times Square and 5th Avenue - and so far someone is probably sleeping in a bathtub. We’re going to call it adventurous.

I’m in The City until late Sunday night.

The rest? Is still up in the air. I’m going to be running around like a crazy woman trying to soak up as much as I possibly can in 48 hours. That means subways and buses and walking and touristy shit and street food and museums and ferry rides and lots and lots of wandering around insisting that “I totally know where we’re going! Really!” Because that is how one sees The City, I’m sure.

I tell you all this for two reasons.

One - if you’d like to join me, please do. Whether you live in the area or have always wanted to see The Big Apple yourself, I’d love to share it with you. Please understand I am a cheap bitch and you will therefore have to endure me bitching about prices and doing absolutely insane and sometimes only slightly illegal shit to save a buck. If you’re not above slumming (and really, you’re here - aren’t you?), we’d love to have you join the Sweet Sweet Posse. You can share a cup of coffee or a meal, hit us up for late night partying, or scramble from landmark to landmark with us. The only thing you can’t do is share my hotel room - the bathtub is already taken.

If, however, you can’t make it into New York that reason because you hate cities or the economy just fucking blows right now or oh my God I am some strange girl from the Internet - that’s cool. But I want you to join me anyway. I mean, kind of. In “spirit”, so to speak.

You see, New York City has been my dream for a long, long time. And I’m making a commitment to myself to experience it, even if it’s only for two days over the last weekend of June. And I have a few really amazing people from the Internet to thank for the push I needed to just get off my ass and do it already.

Please - allow me to push you in the ass.

I mean… er… pay it forward.

Look, I know this sounds corny and cheesy and really, really hippy dippy. But if you have even the smallest twinge that there is something out there waiting for you, I want to encourage you to have it. Even if it’s in some small way. Don’t put it off anymore. Don’t make another excuse. Just… do it.

And do it the last weekend in June so you can use one of these kick ass graphics Cissa made for us.

People - I need your help.

Again.

I know. I am a needy bitch.

I will tell you that this is a technical issues (two, actually) - but please, don’t go running off just yet because you might know of someone who can help even if you can’t. We are resorting to networking here people!!!

Issue Numero Uno (God, I am so worldly.):

I get an average of three emails a day from people telling me they can’t comment here. I finally figured out that it might not be because IT departments hate me. (That would be why the entire site is blocked at many workplaces - but this guy is OK. WTF?!?!)

Apparently, when some people click on the comment section the entire site - and sometimes the entire computer - just… dies. Freezes. Locks up and goes no more!! Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to replicate this problem so I am totally lost on how to fix it.

I am just sick at the idea that there are people out there wanting to comment who can’t. What if Prada has been trying to reach me via my comments?!?!?!?!?

Anyone know where I should start looking? Or who I can pay beg plead flash for help?

Issue Numero Dos:

I am trying to find a program that will automatically generate a zoomed in/cropped thumbnail and/or display said thumnail in my sidebar as a link to a photoblog. The TRICK is - I want the thumbnail to automatically update with the most recent picture of the day.

Confused?

Bored?

Unsubscribing in droves?

Shit.

So, as you might have heard, I went to a little blogger get together called TequilaCon on Friday.

Here’s how it went down:

At about 12:45, Avitable and I boarded a plane from Orlando heading to Philadelphia. Of course, we kissed our loved ones good by from our iPhones first.

The bad thing about traveling with Avitable is he makes me buy him water. At a gazillion dollars a bottle at the fucking airport snack bar. The good thing is he’s a pretentious ass and upgraded us both to Business Class.

We landed about who cares what time o’clock and were greeted at the airport by Karl and Hello Ha Ha Narf. No, I do not have pictures of that. Why would I have taken pictures of that?

We drove through the very lovely Philadelphia to get to our very lovely Hotel La Sheraton.

Once we checked in, we had to call Hilly and explain to her that we could not come pick her up from the airport - but we would happily send a cab.

While Hilly was happily taking a cab from the airport, we found a few more bloggers who were also stuck in traffic.

By the time Hilly got to The Hotel La Sheraton, we were prepared to make it up to her welcome her.

Oh my God. I just realized I have no pictures of welcoming Hilly!

Oh. Wait.

Blah blah blah, yada yada yada, we all met up in the hotel restaurant to go out for dinner.

After spending all of someone else’s money on food and booze, we retired to the bar.

The End.

Of The First Night.

Dear Fellow TequilaCon 08 Attendees,

It was amazing to meet you. What a fucking crap load of fun you all are. Seriously. I really think we need to make this an event that happens far more frequently than once a year.

XOXO
The Crazy Blonde Chick In Yellow

Dear Sheraton Homies,

I miss you so much it hurts.

I felt just as much at home on the 10th floor of the Sheraton all weekend as I do sitting in my own kitchen right now. I can’t wait to see you all again.

Until then - remember me in your twats.

XOXO
The Crazy Blonde Bitch Kept Asking You To Make Out All Weekend

Dear Readers and Bloggers Who Weren’t in Philly This Weekend,

I hope you know, you were there in spirit. I can’t wait to share the stories and the pictures and the laughs with you once I’ve had a full night’s sleep. Because you need to know - you are part of something incredible. Even if you don’t have a name tag that says so.

XOXO
Miss Britt

Dear Bank of America,

Can we just pretend like this weekend never happened?

Please?

You have reached Miss Britt’s blog.

Unfortunately, she’s not here right now. She is terribly busy in Philadelphia trying to convince Dave2 to loosen the fuck up and get freaky with her already.

Please leave a message after the jump and she will return your comment as soon as possible.

Beep Beep Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

P.S. Husband, if you’re reading this? We are clearly just kidding about that Dave2 freaky thing. And also, please remember to clean the tub. XOXO

P.P.S She might be living posting pictures to her Flickr… if you’re into watching.

I know what you’re thinking. I do.

“Britt - you have TWO freaking contests open already that you haven’t announced winners for.”

I know.

(To those of you who were NOT thinking that because you were instead thinking “OMG I hate blog contests. Boooorrrrrinng!” Well pin a rose on your nose! Or something.)

This one is different - because I AM NOT IN CHARGE! I know. Hallelujah.

I am, however, a judge. (I know. I’m important. I can’t help it.)

Here’s what’s up for grabs: $25 Amazon gift card. And? Fame. Notoriety. The love and admiration of all of Blogaritaville. OK. That’s a lie. 78% of Blogaritaville will love and admire you. The other 22% will piss and moan about what makes you so special.

Ahem. I digress.

Here is how the contest works:

Comb through your site and find a quote or two about Motherhood.

For example:

• “In 18 short hours I went from a scared 19 year old kid to a scared 19 year old kid who was responsible for someone else’s life.”




• “When you give birth your life stops. And it may resume again 18+ years later when your services are no longer needed, thank you, here’s your gold watch, good night.”




• “I think I had always figured motherhood was something I had taken on, survived, an obligation I had stepped up to the best I could because that was the situation I found myself in. I seriously doubted I was as good a mother as the stay at home mom who had played house since she could walk.”




• “There are a million things you can do that will piss me off, and I will not hesitate to ground your asses to your rooms for eternity if need be. But I will always, always love you.”




• “Remember, mommy is always 2 seconds away from crazy. You never know when… you never know why… but know that it is possible…”




• “It’s a strange thing to see your child through someone else’s eyes. It’s even stranger to see them with gifts and abilities that have absolutely nothing to do with you or your parenting.”




• “Do you think it’s possible to teach a two year old to play hard to get?”




• “Whoever said Independence is a beautiful thing, never met my two-year old.”




• “This is our day. Evenly. No one gets more or less claim on Mother’s Day.”

See how I did that?

Once you’ve got them, go HERE and enter to win!

The. End.

OK, I lied. Not the end. I also have to promise that TOMORROW I will announce the actual real live winners of the last two contests.

Now, does anyone remember what those contests were??

My dear, sweet, wonderful, brilliant readers…

Have I told you how pretty you look today? And that your ass looks amazing in those pants? No? Well you do. And it does.

Oh, and, by the way, I have a favor to ask of you.

AND IT REQUIRES NO MONEY! Not a dime this time! I swear!!

Now, back to this favor.

My dear, sweet, wonderful, brilliant reader - I have a dream. A dream that can only come true with a little bit of help from you. Well, a little more than a little bit of help. Mediocre help, really. Mediocre.

Shit. This is hard.

OK, here it is: I really want to go to BlogHer in San Francisco.

There, I said it. I know it sounds dorky and I should absolutely be too cool to want this. But? Well, we all know I’m not cool.

Did you also know I am not above groveling?

>Here is where the favor comes in<

John Wiley & Sons (that would be a publishing company) is sponsoring a BlogHero Contest. The grand prize is a free trip to BlogHer.

To be honest, winning a trip is the only way I’m getting to San Francisco this year.

And all you have to do is convince a panel of judges that I am some kind of rock star hero! See? Mediocre favor.

Oh. And. By the way. “Rock star hero” has some relatively specific pesky little guidelines. According to the good people at John Wiley & Sons, a BlogHer Hero is someone who “demonstrates Passion, Innovation, and the Ability to Inspire A Community”.

Heh. Like I said, mediocre favor.

Now, I’ve been digging around in my archives for five minutes forever in an effort to find some handy examples you could reference when demonstrating my Passion, Innovation and Ability to Inspire A Community. I may, in fact, be quite fucked.

Unless, of course, someone at John Wiley & Sons is Inspired by my Passion for Prince Sweat. And my ability to spearhead a beer fund. Which, I suppose, is totally plausible In My Own Head. (Totally unrelated aside: I wonder if sodomizing the rules of the English Language is considered innovative…)

Do you suppose I could be the first person (and therefore the innovator) to do really poorly executed Photo Essays? Surely I am the first person to struggle with homemade guacamole. Right?

ANYway. Where was I?

Ah yes - you were about to do me a favor.

Could you, if you feel so moved, run on over here and nominate me?

And. Um. Could you also maybe give your fellow Miss Britt readers some ideas in the comments section? Because seriously - this is going to take a frickin’ miracle.

Wait! No! I mean… uh…

Anything is possible if you believe! Together we can make this happen! A few minutes out of your day could change one woman’s life FOREVER!

(That was inspiring, right?)

You all doubted me, didn’t you?

There’s no sense in denying it, I know it’s true. You read my very well thought out proposal to the marketing gurus and you scoffed. You laughed! You called me a whore!

Well, well, well. Whose the whore now my pretties?

I am. HA! That’s right. I am officially being courted.

I’ll let you wallow in your envy for a moment before we get dirty with the details…

It wasn’t but 12 hours after I hit publish on my Marketing Manifesto that I received my first email. “Campaigns Awaiting Your Review”. The floodgates were trembling. I could feel it.

I opened the email and found that I needed to click on a few links to find out more. Apparently, there were quite a few companies that were suddenly clamoring for my attention. Pick me! Pick me! They were desperate for me to notice them.

I kept my cool, of course, as I’m certain that’s what we Influential Bloggers are supposed to do in these situations. I scanned the list of possible opportunities as if I spent every day deciding who would be allowed to woo me next. I may have even turned my nose up a little as I did it, just for effect.

And then I saw it. The company that I was destined to partner with. The marketing relationship that was absolutely PERFECT for me. The organization that I could sense was most in tune with my needs and my power in the market place.

Read the rest of this page »

I don’t know if you noticed, but I have recently had my big coming out party with The Mommy Bloggers. I wore pink pajama bottoms and we served Cosmos in sippy cups. The moms can really hold their booze. It’s been fun.

ANYway, I’ve noticed that many of the “mommy bloggers” are the beneficiaries of all kinds of good swag. In fact, some of them have so much interaction with PR people that they have started offering advice on how bloggers and PR People should interact with one another.

I know. I hate them too.

But then, I got to thinking… perhaps I have yet to be overrun by PR pitches because I have not clearly identified my niche. Or rather, I have done a damn good job of identifying what companies should run screaming from me.

I’m certain the good people at Johnson & Johnson have stumbled upon my blog and (aptly) deduced that I am far too lazy to childproof my house with plastic outlet covers, even if they were sent to me free. And I’m sure that Lindsay has figured out that my foul mouth and dirty house is a media shit storm waiting to happen for Graco. (OK, and I might have inadvertently compared her to Don Johnson. Totally on accident!)

But still. Have Blog. Have readers. Must. Have. Free Shit Swag.

In an effort to assist the public relations and marketing masterminds who would so clearly benefit from a relationship with me, I think it’s only prudent to get the ball rolling and offer some suggestions of Free Shit I Would Totally Love To Get products and services that would be well received by myself and my “audience”. I’m proactive like that (read: total asset! yes! you want me!).

Ahem.

I give you, the list of products I would happily sell my soul for:

• Cute shoes. I think it’s safe to say that my readers would welcome me getting free shoes an honest review of the latest thing in shoe fashion. I have already documented my expertise in the area. I have credibility! Really. (Seriously, Tony, baby, call me.)




• Some kind of fancy foreign Au Pair service. I mean, seriously. I may not be the best blogger for a review of Family Safety Tips. But you will clearly not find a better candidate for letting someone else raise your children. So, if you’d like to send some cute little foreign girl to stay in my guest room for a couple years while she cooks and cleans and takes care of all the Not Fun parts of motherhood, I will happily provide a totally unbiased review of your service (wink, wink.) (PS - please send girl who can teach my kids French. Between living in Florida and Dora, they’re doing just fine on the Espanol.)




• Vodka. The Brittini drink is practically iconic already, I assure you. And it’s effects are well known throughout the blogosphere. But we’re still searching for an official Vodka sponsor. Just think, Vodka Company People, you could be associate with this.




• Vasectomies. My husband has already proven that he is willing to surrender his balls for the good of the blog. He’s generous like that. I have no doubt at all that he would gladly succumb to a practically not invasive at all procedure if he was asked nicely.




• Prince. I should warn you, Prince and I have already shared sweat - so it’s going to take more than a free CD (lie! lie! will totally take free Prince CD! and candid photos too!) to make it worth my while. But if you need to, say, promote his awesomeness or new music or OMG WHATEVER YOU WANT, I might be swayed to participate in some kind of exclusive backseat… er… back STAGE, I meant STAGE meet and greet. (Or seat. I would totally be willing to meet and greet him in a backseat. I mean, you know, if it’s necessary.)

I’m sure there are countless other companies that could benefit from my influence and awesomeness. But this will have to do for now. I’m terribly busy, you know.