Raise your hand if you’re relieved this Ode to Miss Britt series is finally coming to an end?

OK, that’s rude. Put your hands down.

I’ve spent 9 of the last 10 weeks rebuilding my “100 Things” list. I think 85 of the 90 items I’ve shared have amounted to me making fun of myself in some form or another.

And that’s cool. If I don’t do it, someone else surely will.

But today, I’m going to get all masturbatory on you and delve into a little Self Love, Miss Britt style. I like to think there’s something poetic about ending my 100 Things list with 10 Things I Like About Myself.

Or narcissistic. Whatever.

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Like About Myself

1. I am not afraid to make fun of myself. I think that’s pretty cool. Too many people take themselves (and everyone else) entirely too seriously. I think laughing at yourself is a form of acceptance. Or denial. Whatever.




2. I am not afraid to make fun of damn near anything, actually. I will tell cancer jokes at a funeral. I will joke about the Price of Happiness when I am refilling my prescription for anti-depressants. I will tease you about being a dirty, dirty whore when you confide in me that you feel guilty about your one night stand. While some people would say that’s obnoxious, I believe it’s a testament to a damn good sense of humor.




3. I am wicked smart. Sure, I rely heavily on Firefox’s internal spell checker, I can’t remember historic dates with 100% accuracy, and I would probably get my ass kicked on Jeopardy. But? I would be awesome on Wheel of Fortune and I will whoop you in Trivial Pursuit. I don’t know everything - but I have a great ability to learn (which is more important than what you know anyway).




4. I am idealistic. And I like that about me. I use words like “believe” and “hope” and “faith”, and they mean something to me. I’m not completely unrealistic, but my optimism is pretty resilient. I think that’s cool.




5. I make a conscious effort to tell the truth. Of course, I fall down on that from time to time - like anyone else. But honesty is a core value for me, and I know that I’ve told the truth sometimes when it has been hard to do so - simply because sticking to that principle matters to me.




6. I’m not afraid to try. While it’s true that I have a sometimes paralyzing fear of looking stupid, I have learned a lot about not letting fear stop me from experiencing life. I believe in taking chances and calculated risks. I’m proud that I’m able to take the leap, so to speak.




7. I am extreme. In everything. I talk too loud, I get ferociously angry and I sob like a baby. I also laugh from way down in my belly. A lot. I love intensely. I think I get a lot out of life because I live it brightly colored.




8. I’m curious. About everything. I want to understand people. I want to experience places and adventures. “Because” is never enough to satisfy me. I need to know why and how. I am all to familiar with what that did for the cat, but I consider it a strength just the same.




9. I am fiercely independent. If my mother is to be believed, one of the first coherent things I said (and certainly the most frequent) as a child was “I do it MAHself!” That attitude has lead to a summer living on Ramen Noodles and canned tuna when I refused to live with my parents. It also assures me that I can handle damn near anything.




10. I am, above all, genuine. Love me or hate me, embrace me or cringe, I am what I am. What you see is what you get. Let that be a warning to those of you who will meet me at TequilaCon in a few months.

Man, that felt pretty good.

You should try it. Really. What do you like about you?

To those of you who have stumbled upon this blog in the last two days, I feel like I should be honest with you. I just don’t have the heart to continue this relationship under the dark cloud of a lie. The guilt… it’s killing me.

This blog? Normally is not nearly so exciting.

No, really. Ask any of the regulars. My infamy? Is in making a mockery of guacamole and the female reproductive system. And my husband. That poor bastard.

In fact, today you’ll find that you’ve stumbled right into the middle of a very long and mundane series that we lovingly call THE LIST THAT NEVER FUCKING ENDS. (Or, 100 Things About Miss Britt, when we’re being polite.)

Oh yeah, I said it. It’s a damn series!

Consider yourself warned.

Ahem. Now, without any further ado (because holy good CRAP I have mastered the art of long rambling introductions it seems!), let’s move on to this week’s edition.

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Want To Teach My Kids
(What? We’ve got a THEME going here!!)

1. People, in general, do NOT suck. No matter what the Internet or FOX News may tell you, the world is not made up of idiots and assholes. I mean, sure, there are a lot of those out there. But there is also a plethora of kick ass people who will pick you up when you’re down and laugh along with you when you make a fool of yourself.




2. Of all the people in this world who will love you, your mom will always love you most. There is absolutely nothing you can ever do that will make me stop loving you. There are a million things you can do that will piss me off, and I will not hesitate to ground your asses to your rooms for eternity if need be. But I will always, always love you.




3. Unless you come home Republicans. Then, there will be hell to pay. I have worked too hard to convert your conservative-raised father into a proper voting Democrat. I’ll be damned if you ruin that victory for me by falling at the alter of Bush. I will always promote your right to think and decide for yourself - unless you lose your fucking minds and start pulling the R level. I have my limits.*




4. Remember, mommy is always 2 seconds away from crazy. You never know when… you never know why… but know that it is possible…




5. But seriously kids, except for when it comes to your mom, never live in fear. Ever. Don’t ever base your decisions on fear of the unknown. Be brave and take the leap in faith. Your mom and dad did it. Your Nana and your Great Nana did it. You come from a long line of people who jump, even when they’re scared to death.




6. The greatest strength you can ever know, comes from faith in the things you can’t see or understand. Hold on to your faith - you were made for it. If you grow up and decide not to be Catholic, or even Christian - that’s OK. But never forget that you are part of something bigger than you. And it’s OK to believe in things you cannot explain.




7. Ahem, speaking of God - this seems like a good time to remind you: Do Not Have Sex With Random Assholes. I’m speaking to both of you here - son, daughter. Believe me when I tell you that some day you will wish like hell you could take back the ones that didn’t matter. You are better than that. You deserve better than that. And.. uh… GOD IS WATCHING!!!!




8. Just because you’re “smarter” than someone, doesn’t mean you’re “better” than them. (I’m looking at you, Oh Gifted Son.) People will tell you that I’m full of shit, but trust me on this one: there is something you can learn from just about anyone… if you’re humble enough to do so.




9. But don’t get carried away with that humility stuff. You are both extraordinary people - it’s in your genes. You will walk through life wondering why you seem to be too “big” for the spaces you’re in. You will wonder why you don’t quite seem to fit. My precious babies - we are not made to fit. We are made to expand and fill up and spill over. Never succumb to that urge to be “small” simply to fit.




10. And last, but not least, remember my sweets… Funny. Trumps. All. Seriously - I want that on my tombstone, OK? There is just not enough funny in the world.

Alright - show of hands. Who is still here? Did I miss any crucial Life Lessons?

*I’m totally kidding about the Republican thing. I mean, mostly.

I know you all come here for the depth.

I know. I’m a virtual well of wisdom and emotion.

And that’s why, in my perusal of 100 Fascinating Things About Me, I have gone out of my way to deliver to you tid bits of my soul. My very soul, people.

But today? Today I thought I’d give you a break from the deepness and go completely superficial.

Today, let’s talk about my body.

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things About The Physical Miss Britt

1. I have little big little deflated boobs. I got boobs in the sixth grade. I thought I had cancer. My mom didn’t get boobs until she was like 30, so it never occurred to her to talk to me about puberty until much, much later. In sixth grade, I was a fucking stud. By the 9th grade? I was the girl with buds where breasts should be. I went away to college and ate too much hormone infused cafeteria food, and came home sporting a D Cup. I was the last to notice. And then? I had children. And those little fuckers bled me - and my boobs - dry. I now walk around with the remnants of water balloons stuffed in my bra. My daughter calls them “boo boos”.




2. I have two tattoos, that I still love ten years after the fact. When I turned 18, I went a little… um… crazy with the independence thing. I moved out of my parents’ house, pierced my belly button and my tongue, and had two tattoos by my 19th birthday. The belly button and tongue ring are long gone (I just couldn’t picture a tongue stud at a Mommy and Me class), but the tattoos (obviously) remain. I have one on my shoulder blade and one on my hip bone.




3. Apparently, I have “alternating myopathy” - which is like a lazy eye, but creepier. Basically? I only focus with one eye at a time. So don’t make fun of me for running into shit - I can’t help it my depth perception is fucked. The result is that it looks like I have a lazy eye. Except that the eye that is lazy switches. Think “camera 1, camera 2, camera 1, camera 2″ - without having to close the other eye. Yeah. I was a popular kid. (Do you suppose this answers the “never having had a drink bought for me in a bar” question?)




4. I have freckles. Lots and lots of freckles. Although I’m a blond, I have my mother’s red headed complexion. I don’t tan. I go out into the sun and get more freckles. If I’m lucky, I get enough freckles that they blend together and look like a tan.




5. I also have funny little birthmarks in various spots on my body. They are kind of like freckles, but a little bigger and more red than the brown of an actual freckle. I have one on my butt and one on my inner thigh. Yes, right there. I also have one on the left side of my face that has been mistaken for a zit. God - I am a moley hottie, aren’t I?




6. I have Flinstone Feet. Seriously, I could peddle a car all the way to Bedrock with my short, square, pudgy ass feet. They are a size 7 length wise, but I can’t wear anything too strappy because the squareness and the fattiness gets in the way.




7. My natural hair color is dishwater blond. How flattering is that? “Your hair? Your hair is the color of greasy water with soapy residue. Mmmm.” The only thing good about my hair color is that it’s pretty multi tonal. A friend of mine in high school used to call me Rainbow Brite because there were so many colors - ranging from blond and red to deep brown and a little black. But the predominant hue? A lovely shade of dishwater.




8. My lips are upside down. Do you know what pouty lips look like? Where the bottom lip kind of sticks out just a smidge? My lips are like that… but backwards. My top lip is bigger than my bottom lip. Kissing me is probably like kissing a gymnast. Upside down.




9. My body type has been described as “cherubic”. It’s also been called “curvy”, “voluptuous”, and “don’t worry kid, you’ll outgrow that baby fat”. The only bone on my body I’ve ever felt is my chin. On the plus side, it makes me soft.




10. Speaking of my chin, mine rivals Jay Leno’s. I’m kind of bitter he got famous for his chin. He already had the skunk hair and national TV thing going for him. Couldn’t he leave me The Chin? I’m not exactly sure where I get my chin from - my two brothers have it, but our mother doesn’t (and we have different fathers). I think my grandpa might have had a particularly protruding butt in place of a jawline too. That must be it.

And that’s it! 10 highly superficial things about the otherwise very deep Miss Britt!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call a therapist.

Imagine, if you will, that you’re reading an eloquent introductory sentence.

You are then pulled into the next paragraph, where you encounter wit and humor and creativity like you have never known. You find yourself sitting at your computer, completely unaware that you are smiling to yourself. You laugh under your breath as you dive deeper into the post.

You can already tell, this post is going to be good. And you can’t wait for what comes next.

What did you read? Was it a funny anecdote? A smartly written one liner? Perhaps it was the retelling of an embarrassing experience that had you groping for the comment link…

Whatever it was, imagine that it’s here. Right here. At the beginning of this post… instead of the mindless drivel I’ve been reduced to writing in an effort to come up with unique ways to introduce yet another installment of 100 Things About Miss Britt.

Oh yes, it’s that time again. You’ve endured the bits about my family and minor life “moments”. You’ve languished through things that I love and things that I hate. You’ve waded through the dark and twisty tale that is my history with money. And last week, you clung to your hankies as I snotted on your shoulder and told you about all the reasons I cry.

Raise your hand if you see where this is going…

Surprise!

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things That Make Me Laugh

1. Farts. I know, I know. I’m 12. But when you grow up with two boys and my mother, you’re bound to come across more than your fair share of fart jokes. At dinner. In public. And much to my own disappointment, somewhere along the way, I have developed that sick, sick, sickiness that makes me instantly collapse into giggles at the mere mention of the word. Fart.




2. Speaking of f-words, the word Fuck cracks me up too. I know. I know. Twelve. And trashy. I know. But adding the word “fuck” or “fucking” to pretty much any sentence instantly makes it funny to me. Bonus points for creative use of the F word. Such as “fuckity fuck fuck”, “fiddle dee fuck” and “frick frack fuck”. I know. Twelve.




3. And while we’re talking inappropriate, let’s talk about how Booze makes me laugh. After one margarita, I will find most things mildly amusing. After two margaritas, there is nothing on Earth as funny as me. Just ask me. I. am. the Funny Judge.* (*must be said in a Master of The Universe He-Man-esque voice. Thank you.)




4. Watching my friends and husband have pain inflicted on them makes me laugh too. Oh stop looking at me like that! I don’t want serious injury. Nothing that’s going to require a trip to an ER or a hefty medical bill. Sheesh. But a little flinching now and then is good for the soul. You know, now that I think about it, maybe it’s not the pain that makes me laugh. Maybe it’s the fear. Mwahahahahah… yep. That’s what it is.




5. Subtle genius on TV, movies, etc. There’s no doubt that I’m easily amused. I laugh along with the laugh tracks and can usually appreciate the obvious jokes. But the subtle, quick, understated humor will make me laugh for years afterwards. My favorite scene ever from The Office is a 2 second snip of Kelly shaking her head to the camera after she’s announced she’s pregnant. Most people didn’t even notice it or were too busy laughing at something the notoriously funny Steve Carell was saying. But that one quick shake of her head said volumes and cracks me up to this day.




6. But do you know what’s funnier than comedy on TV? Watching my husband watch comedy on TV. As I write this, he is sitting on the couch watching Tommy Boy. Alone. And he is howling with laughter. Oh. Wait. He’s not on the couch anymore. He is rolling around on the floor. Seriously people. On the fucking floor.




7. I know I make fun of my husband a lot, but what makes me laugh even more is making fun of myself. I make fun of the fact that I’m short. And chubby in the ass and belly region. And loud. And rude. And most recently? Crazy. For some reason I find it very amusing to announce to a room full of people that “oh, I’m handling the move quite well now that I’m properly medicated”. Or to reference the time “when Mommy was losing her fucking mind. Remember baby?” What can I say? I’m an easy target.




8. Penises. I’m sorry boys. I know they are your manhood and member and all that. But seriously. Have you ever looked at a penis? Ha! Hoo! HiLARious! And the flopping! Heeee Ha!




9. Baby talk cracks me up too. Well, toddler talk I suppose more than baby talk. Once you get past the point where you can’t understand a damn word they’re saying and you quit pulling your hair because I don’t know! I don’t know! Just tell me what you want! Is it juuuice? Booob? Mickey Mouse and the original Fleetwood Mac? Whatever you want if you will just speak clearly for the love of God I will get it for you! After that stage, the little lisp and the tiny voice using grown up phrases is just… well… adorable. And giggle inducing. Yes, yes, I giggle.




10. And do you know what makes me laugh the most? Me. I am one funny bitch. The shit that falls out of my mouth is pure genius sometimes. Seriously. I’m the funniest person I know.




Does that make me a bad person?

Whew. I’m done. Now I can high tail it on out of here to the next thing on the list of 101 Ways To Entertain People In Florida.

102 on that list is slit your own damned wrists in lieu of guests.

When I first came up with the idea to do a 10 part series of 100 Things About Miss Britt, I was overwhelmed by my own brilliance.

100 Things about me! 10 Things a week! That’s 10 weeks of blog fodder guaranteed! Woo hoo!

I pumped my fist mightily in the air and roared at my own genius.

I’ll give you a moment with that visual.

What I did not consider while basking in the glory of my own awesomeness was that it might be a little difficult to continually come up with 10 interesting things about me. Especially because (as my husband has noted) I have a habit of telling you all every damn thing about me on a regular basis.

In other words - forgive me if you’re getting tired of the lists. Keep loving me, OK? Because you all know I simply cannot handle anything less than blind adoration from The Internets. We have a commitment, you and I, to soldier on with the lists until the 100 Things is complete. Me to keep writing and you to keep feigning soul stirring interest. That’s our thing.

Thus far, we’ve shared (you and I - because we share here), 10 things about my family, my memorable moments, things that I hate, things that I love and my tawdry work history.

This week, in the interest of us sharing, I think we should cry together. Don’t you? I mean really, once we’ve cried together, there really is nothing that can tear us apart. Right? Right. So grab your hankies ladies and gents. Here we go, with…

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things That Make Me Cry

Read the rest of this page »

We are finally at the half way mark of this incessantly long “100 Things About Miss Britt” series.

Let’s move quickly through the internal links and onto the meat and potatoes, shall we?

So far we’ve covered my family, my most memorable moments, and things that I hate.

Last week I enthralled you with 10 things that I love. The last thing that I mentioned loving was “making money“, which I know came as quite a shock for most of you. (Which reminds me, have you clicked on a Google ad today? Hmmmm?)

Because that fun fact was so terribly interesting, I thought we’d add on that today.

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I’ve Done To Make Money

1. I have sold insurance. Not the respectable kind, mind you. Oh no. I sold Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance. To JCPenney customers. Over the phone. “Mrs. Smith, I understand you have life insurance, and that’s great. But what if you don’t die? What if you just lose an arm or something? Do you know what an arm could be worth to you?”




2. I have sold radio advertising. The title they give you is “Account Executive”. But I assure you, there is nothing “executive” about schlepping into every mom and pop shop in town and presenting them with very pretty presentations printed out on copy paper, all in a desperate attempt to sell a $400 radio schedule. Everyone I knew thought it was pretty cool that I “worked at the station” though. “Oooh, do you get free tickets?” Yes, yes I did.




3. I have sold direct mail to car dealers. You know that junk mail you get promising you a free iPod and a chance to win $10,000 just for taking a test drive? Yep, that was me. And that shit? Actually works.




4. I have helped start, market and run an Internet affiliate company. Our very first product was “How to sell stuff on the Internet”. We figured if it worked - we had a good product.




5. I have sold vitamins and other nutritional goodies. Although really, I was selling a dream. Yep, I made my living for about three years doing multi-level-marketing. And it was a damn good living, too.




6. I have been a life coach. If you google my real name, the first slew of results that come up are for my work as a life coach. I specialized in helping people with small businesses. (Hello? Boss? Do you hear that? Maybe you should listen to my awesome ideas!!) It was the best job I ever had. “Let me tell you how to fix your life, OK?”




7. I worked as a telemarketer selling caller ID. My opening line was “Hey Chuck, don’t you freaking hate telemarketers like me? How about I help make sure you never have to talk to another annoying sales person again…” That worked really well. Especially if the guy’s name happened to be Chuck.




8. I day traded. The S&P 500, specifically. That actually was a lot of fun - although apparently it’s supposed to be stressful. It’s not stressful so much as really, really time consuming. You can barely get up to pee during trading hours. And, well, I have to pee a lot.




9. I have danced on a table. Hey, don’t you judge me! Most girls get drunk and hop up on bars just to be hoochie mamas. At least we got gas money! (Hi Mom!)




10. I also taught kids about Jesus. And the Pope. And the importance of Confession. OK, OK, you got me. I didn’t really do it for the money. Clearly, I was doing it so that the other parishioners would whisper about what a good person I was.

The end. You will kindly notice that I did not include mention of marrying for and/or having sex for money.

But swear to Betsy if the one I’m with now ever up and disappears, that’s going to be my plan B.

I’m running out of new and creative ways to say “Welcome to yet another addition of 100 Things About Me!”

And since this is only Part 4 of a 10 Part series, I see much FUBARedness in my future.

Look at that. We’re already three sentences in. Hollah!

Ahem. (Sorry about that. Never happen again. I promise.)

We have already covered my family, my most memorable moments, and things that I hate.

Today we are doing a complete 180 and focusing on things that I love. Now let me tell you right away - I’m not listing my husband or my kids blah blah duh duh yada yada obvious. I am not a bad woman with fucked up priorities - don’t fucking email me. Instead, let’s take a look at a few more interesting other things that make me go pitter patter in my heart, shall we?

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Love

1. I love my iPhone. Did you know I have an iPhone? Because I do. I totally do. And I love it to bits and bits because it is awesome. If this is what it’s like to have a Mac, I get it. (And I owe a few “Mac Obsessed Fucktards” an apology. Heh.)




2. I love that Prince needs a hip replacement. Does that mean he is old? Possibly too old for someone my age to lust after in such an impure way? No. Oh, no. What that means is that it will be easier for me to catch his sexy ass.




3. I love Dirty Dancing. You might like that movie. But I assure you, no one loves that movie like I do. Sure, you know “nobody puts baby in a corner”. But do you tell your husband on a daily basis that you “did it for nothing! I hurt my family… you lost your job anyway… I did it for nothing!”? And then continue to chastise yourself because “no! Not for nothing, Baby! No one’s ever done anything like that for me.”? Hmmm? Do you? I think not.




4. I love being left the fuck alone. Not always. Usually I’m a pretty social person. But once in a while, when the fates blow my way and by some fluke of nature I am left all by myself in my house… for a few peaceful hours… I love that.




5. I love being right. Which is probably why I’m generally such a happy person. Because I’m pretty much always right. (Oh I’m kidding! (Except you know I’m totally not (of course I am! (not.))))




6. I love when I find a book that makes me neglect everything else. My current addiction is Harry Potter. (And I owe a few “freaking morons who are obsessed with a kid’s book” an apology. Heh.) I picked up the first book from the series my son got for Christmas in an effort to give us something to talk about. And while we have had much fun discussing Muggles and the future of the Ministry, I have to admit I’m well into the fifth book simply because I can’t put it down. I love when that happens.




7. I love smoking a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section and running naked through the street, with green Jell-O all over my body, reading Playboy magazine. OK, I stole that. And I’m totally not into green Jell-O. But I am really passionate about ensuring that if I ever get the urge to do that, I can. Few things get me as hot as civil liberties.




8. I love the beach. I love the way the sound of the waves makes me feel big, while the endless stretch of the horizon makes me feel small. I love how young I feel when I squish my toes into the sand. I love how simple life is when I’m teaching my kids how to jump with the tides. It’s the only place in nature where I’m really alive and at ease, all at the same time.




9. I love reaching people that others avoid. Whether it’s the gruff old man that most people fear, the quiet person at the office that your co-workers ignore, or the abrasively loud class clown that most people simply laugh at as they pass by. Those are the people that interest me most - the ones that have to be drawn out or stood up to. I love being able to see new sides of someone.




10. I love making money. More specifically, I love coming up with new and creative ways to make money. Not because I’m a superficial whore (that’s why I wear make up and cute shoes), but because the challenge is a rush for me. It’s not the money - it’s the win. Business is like a life sized board game. I love marketing and advertising and the sense of satisfaction I get when something works. My brain is wired differently than most people. I look at the world and tilt my head and wonder… how can that be turned into a profit stream?

And so ends a random sampling of things that I love.

Next week we’ll do… uh… er… I have no idea. Any suggestions?

(Psst… Kapgar, this is how you pander for comments!)

See you tomorrow for another addition of How Much Free Shit Can We Suck Out Of Miss Britt?!

Welcome back for another addition of OMG LISTS GIVE ME REASONS TO POST ON SATURDAY!

Or, 100 Things About Me.

We’ve already covered 10 things about my family and 10 of my most memorable moments. Today we cap off a particularly moody week for me with another 10 things in a particularly moody vein.

I don’t like to use the word hate. I mean, I do (quite frequently actually), but I like to be one of those people who says they don’t like to use the word hate. Nonetheless, I give you…

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things I Hate

1. I hate when people don’t like me. I can’t decide if it’s a sign of immaturity on my part or an inherently vulnerable nature. But it bothers me. It doesn’t matter if it’s a stupid fucking troll whose opinion shouldn’t count - it still stings. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fight through the fact that it bothers me. Right now, I’m just trying to accept that it does.




2. I hate reformed smokers. Not all reformed smokers - because quitting is hard and if you can do it, good on you. But don’t wrinkle your fucking nose up at me like I’ve got the plague or am suddenly a second class citizen. I’m not going to smoke in your house or blow smoke in your pretty little face. Save your contempt for a weakness that you haven’t shouldered yourself.




3. I hate Crocs. And OMG do not talk to me about how they are comfortable. You can get shoes that are comfortable and do not look like you just waded in off the nearest gay pride fishing boat. No, the little buttons you put on your neon pink styrofoam shoes do not make them fashionable. Your legs look short and dumpy and your feet look too big for your body. For the love of God, if you have to do comfortable get yourself a pair of Vans or Doc Martens or something made of a material that is not used to package electronic equipment.




4. I hate overly intrusive waiters. I’m here to eat. And talk to the person I’m not paying to bring me my fucking food. Do your job, be polite, and quit trying to entertain me. Pretending to be my new BFF is not going to earn you a bigger tip.




5. I hate wind on my face. Or rather, I hate air moving on my face. I can’t sit in front of a fan. When I have the air on in the car, I have to turn the vents away from me. It just bugs the shit out of me.




6. I hate arrogant adults. When you’re 18 you’re supposed to think you know it all, or you’d be too paralyzed with fear to ever head out into the world on your own. But if you’re over the age of 21 and you still think you have it all figured out, you’re a fool. And worse than that, you’re wasting all of the opportunities that life has to offer you. There is something to be learned from everyone and everything you encounter. If you’re already done learning… you might as well be dead.




7. I hate sushi. Blech. Yes, I’ve tried it. Yes, that kind too. It all tastes like what I imagine nasty poontang would taste like. Even if there is no fish in it, it tastes like it’s been dipped in vajajay juice that is not properly PH balanced.




8. I hate foods that shouldn’t go together. Like fruit and meat. That’s just not right.




9. I hate mean people. It’s not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not groundbreaking or edgy. It’s vile and disgusting and a blight on the face of humanity. The best purpose you can hope to serve in this world is to be a catalyst for growth and change by people who do not suck.




10. I hate lying. My mom used to tell me that the two worst things you could do to another person were “lie and be mean.” In my head I assumed that lying must be the worst then, because it was mean to lie to someone. I try really, really hard not to lie. Whenever I am faced with the opportunity to do it, my stomach gets twisted and I feel like I’m filled with black goo. The most hurtful thing you could ever do to me is lie.

Blech. God, I feel like I need a shower now.

Tomorrow will be more fun with new contests and prizes.

And next week? Next week, I think it’s only fair to share 10 Things That I Love.

Over the next several weeks I’m going to be sharing with you a little more about myself (because sometimes I just don’t feel like you know enough about me) in the form of a “100 Things” list.

Or, rather, 10 Lists of Ten Things That Eventually Add Up To 100 Things About Me. But that will never fit on a T-Shirt.

Anyway, last week we covered Part 1: 10 Things About My Family. This week, as promised, we move on to the next 10 things…

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Most Memorable Moments

1. The day my daughter was born. No disrespect to my son, but having my daughter was a complete 180 of Motherhood Take One. The day was perfect and almost painless. The brief moment of intense pain I had was easily handled by praying the Rosary with my mom. We were surrounded by friends and family and it is one of the few moments that both mine and Jared’s family really shared.




2. Of course, the day my son was born was memorable too, for different reasons. In 18 short hours I went from a scared 19 year old kid to a scared 19 year old kid who was responsible for someone else’s life. Unlike Emma’s birth, it was hard and painful and the day was less about Jared and I and our families and more about me and my family. When I saw the movie Juno, it was this day and that support from my family that I remembered while I bawled my eyes out.




3. My first professional public speaking engagement started off terrifying but left me high on adrenaline. The first thing I said into the mic was “I don’t know whether to pea my pants or puke.” Sometimes I wish the people in my current life had seen that part of my old life.




4. My wedding day was exactly what I wanted it to be. When my little brother sang “I Will Be Here”, everyone in the church cried - including the men. The reception was absolutely the best party I’ve ever been to. I can remember each detail of the day perfectly, including everyone I hugged as we walked out of the church.




5. The night I danced with Prince. I am not exaggerating when I say this remains one of the highlights of my life. I don’t care what that says about me, it keeps me warm at night.




6. December 19, 1995 - or, the day I lost my virginity. My husband would hate the idea of me remembering this night, since he was in no way a part of it. And while I wish sometimes that neither of us had any history before each other… I was really lucky. My “first time” was planned and perfect. It wasn’t a bad decision in the backseat a car on some deserted gravel road. And I maintain to this day, I was very much in love with the other person. That’s more than a lot of people can say.




7. The night I watched my brother be taken out of our house against his will. The people from the school came in the middle of the night, knowing he’d be less able to fight back if they woke him from a sound sleep. I didn’t live at home anymore, but I went to the house to be there with my mom. She refused to let me come downstairs, afraid that he would see me and focus his anger at me instead of her. But from my post upstairs I could hear everything. And the scene from the window as they led him to the van is burned in my memory… he put his head in hands… so lost… so defeated… so much more the little boy I remembered than the angry young man he’d become.

   There are times now when I worry that we’re disconnected from one another, and I remember that night and how my heart broke in my chest for him. And I know that I love him more than he could ever realize.




8. The day I moved out of my parent’s house and into my first apartment. I was 18, newly graduated from high school, and too headstrong and independent for my own good. Early in the morning my mom and I had an argument that quickly led to a reminder that as long as I “lived in her house, I would follow her rules”. All of my things were moved out of my bedroom that night.




9. The night my Nana died. My mom and I had been in Florida for almost two weeks… waiting. The night she finally died was so surreal - an end to the waiting, the beginning of a reality that none of us were really prepared for. Driving home from the hospital that night, I kept thinking that the world did not make sense without her in it.




10. Easter of 2005 - the night Jared and I joined the Catholic Church. Both of our families were there - parents, siblings (mine at least) and grandparents. I took the name “Mary”… and I can’t remember for the life of me what name Jared took. But I remember watching him receive the Eucharist for the first time, and the long, quiet pause after he received the Body and seemed to take it all in. I miss the magic I felt that night.

And there you have it! 10 of the moments that have led to me being who I am today.

Next week? Umm… 10 Things I Hate!

(P.S. Tomorrow will be the first Sunday Contest)

With the redesign of the new template, the old 100 things list is gone. And really, it needed to go. It was out of date and blah blah boring zzzz blah.

So I’ve decided to regale you all with a fresh! new! 100 random things about me!

Over the next several weekends, I’ll share 10 random facts per post, broken down into a few different categories. (Someone somewhere did this, but I don’t know who…)

ANYway, this week I give you

100 Things About Miss Britt: 10 Things About My Family

1. My Nana (my maternal grandmother) was born in Australia. She came to the United States when she got married. When my Nana came here and got married, she gave up her family title of Lady Derbyshire to do so.




2. When I was growing up, my mom and I were poor as hell and a part of me resented the fact that my grandmother had given up some “right” to a privileged lifestyle. While we were eating food bank cheese (well, technically, I ate less than I hid), I was fantasizing about someone showing up ala Princess Diaries to restore my birthright!




3. My Dad is adopted. He has absolutely no interest in knowing his biological parents. My sister and I have always wondered about the woman who passed on her genetic material to us.




4. I am, by birth, an only child. In reality, I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. There was a time in my life, several divorces ago, when I would have said I had 10 brothers and sisters.




5. I grew up with my two brothers and our mom. Because of that, I have always been closer to those two siblings than my other two - although I obviously love them all.




6. My baby brother, my junior by nine years, has always been extremely special to me. I don’t love my other siblings any less, but our relationship is and always has been unique. No disrespect to our mother, but I love him like a son.




7. My two dads walked me down the aisle when I got married. But it was my mother who stood up and gave me away.




8. As dysfunctional as we all sound, I think my relationships with my family are deeper and richer than my husband’s relationships with his very “traditional” and outwardly functional family.




9. My paternal grandparents live in the same house they got married in. It is my Home, in every sense of the word. It represents security and consistency and is the only physical place in the world I have tangible roots to.




10. My mom and dad divorced when I was about 18 months old. Thankfully, all of the memories I have of them together are amicable. They have always gotten along remarkably well, and my mom is still very much apart of his extended family.

And that’s it! A tiny peek into what we merrily refer to as Dysfunction Junction!

Next Saturday: 10 Most Memorable Moments!

(I know, you wait with bated breath…)