Only A Bunch Of Douches Would Call Themselves “The Orlando Mafia”.

by Miss Britt on February 23, 2010

We call ourselves The Orlando Mafia.

And every time we do, one of us invariably rolls rolls our eyes and laughs, “man we are douches.”  And then another one of us laughs too and agrees, “I know!  I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to hang out with us!”  And then we all laugh some more about how absolutely obnoxious and ridiculous the whole thing is, although one of us will no doubt remind the rest of us amidst all the giggling that, obnoxious and ridiculous or not, we are still very much so fucking awesome.  And again we will laugh at ourselves and each other.

And still we will insist on referring to ourselves as a Mafia.

And as obnoxious and ridiculous and douchey as it is – it fits.  It fits, perhaps, better than any other word we could imagine.

We are not criminal masterminds.  We do not wield any power.  We are, in fact, just a tiny group of four bizarrely mismatched people living in Central Florida: Hilly, Faiqa, Adam and I.

We are family.  Not by blood or marriage or legal paperwork, but by some intangible connection that makes no sense on the surface.

It’s hard to say what binds us together.  We’re not all mothers or wives or even women.  We don’t share a career field or educational background or life ambitions.  We are a motley crew of one working mom, one stay at home mom, one single woman, and one newly divorced man.  One Pakistani American, one Midwestern girl with small town roots, one California girl at heart, and one… well… where he lives and where he comes from doesn’t mean much to him at all.

We are all bloggers, yes.  But even in that we are vastly different.  One of us writes to make others laugh, one of us to make people think, and another still simply to be emotional champagne.  And one of us – that’d be me – for a reason no one really knows.

On the outside, we share no glaring similarities.

And yet, we make up this patchwork mafia, this family, because we are more than friends.  We have made each other laugh and we have made each other cry.  We have smiled and told stories and pissed one another off on more than one occasion.  We’ve shared secret desires and secret fears, both equally terrifying and revealing.

Like most families, we each play our own role.

She is the big sister you admire and find yourself imitating, because she is just so damn much cooler and more confident than you could ever hope to be.  She’s the one most likely to roll her eyes and least likely to get involved in your childish games, and once in a while you forget that she’s just as vulnerable as you.  Until the day you accidentally walk into her room without knocking, and just before she tells you to get the hell out of her room, you notice she’s crying because some boy broke her heart.  And in that instant you realize that this person you look up to is soft and squishy just like you, and you vow to bust the knee caps of the son of a bitch who hurt her if you ever get the chance.

She is the seemingly omnipotent mother.  You swear she has her shit together better than you ever will, and she makes it look effortless.  You call her for advice because you’re confident she’ll see answers where you only see chaos, and it’s hard to imagine she understands what it’s like to be lost or out of control.  And then one day you’re flipping through her old photos, and you see a younger version of a person who sure as hell looks like her, but can’t possibly be, what with that look of youth and uncertainty you see.  She sees your disbelief and smirks the smile of a woman with a history and smugly reminds you, “I wasn’t always someone’s mother, you know.”  And you think to yourself, maybe there’s hope for me yet.

He is some strange combination of the providing father, protective big brother, and eager to please little brother.  He seldom gives advice, but he usually insists on paying.  He listens to you cry, while secretly plotting to fix everything the moment you get off the phone – even if that means putting on his mercenary mask for a while.  He insists that you know that he is the strong one – until the day comes when he can’t be, and then he lets down his guard just long enough for those closest to him to rush in and comfort him.

And then there is me.  I’m not exactly clear what my role is here, but I know that my place is cemented.  It gives me comfort and strength and courage, because I know that no matter how far I wander, I’ll always have a place to come back to.  It’s hard to remember a time in my life when I wasn’t a part of them and they weren’t a part of me.

And now, one of us has gone.

Disco Hilly

Hilly, our California girl at heart, is headed back to her heart and her home.  And the term Orlando Mafia seems even more ridiculous than it did just three short days ago.

We’ve joked about her going off to Vegas California and setting up a contingency there, but that we will inevitably be forced to shoot her in the eye a la Moe Greene. We may have threatened to cut her out of The Family completely, insisting that she was betraying us all by leaving and therefore needed to be shunned.

But we’re completely full of shit.

There is no us without her.  No matter where she lays her head at night, she will always have a place in our lives, because we are family.

We are more than family.

Mafia means Family, you know

We’re the Orlando Fucking Mafia, bitches.

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34 Comments so far

  1. Maria February 23, 2010 12:01 pm

    My heart truly aches for you, Britt. My friends are absolutely my family and I know how much it hurts when one of them isn’t in arm’s reach.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Maria, yeah, but I’m really happy for her, because I think this is really, really what she wants right now.

    Reply

    Maria Reply:

    @Miss Britt, Well duh. Because you’re a sweetheart. You can be happy for her and bummed for yourself at the same time. Cause you’re awesome.

    Reply

  2. avitable February 23, 2010 12:04 pm

    You’re the enforcer, the heart, the soul, and uncompromising one whose honesty is something that we can always count on.

    And I think I got something in my eye.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @avitable, because Hilly is on the road right now and can’t say this for herself, I feel like I should step in and speak for her:

    “Of COURSE she is.”

    Heh.

    Reply

    avitable Reply:

    @Miss Britt, fucker.

    Reply

    Hilly Reply:

    @Miss Britt, Hahahahahahaha!

    Exactly, Adam.

    Of COURSE she is. ;)

    Reply

    avitable Reply:

    @Hilly, fucker.

    Reply

  3. Finn February 23, 2010 12:08 pm

    OMG. Faiqa got her hair cut! I love it!

    (She says, avoiding the mushy, teary-eyed stuff she thinking but doesn’t want to make you feel worse than you already do.)

    Love that picture of you guys, btw.

    Reply

    Finn Reply:

    @Finn, She IS thinking… I have something in my eye too, apparently.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Finn, she bangs, she bangs!

    Heh.

    Reply

  4. muskrat February 23, 2010 12:12 pm

    I fear all of you and your super powers.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @muskrat, as you should, because at least one of us could blow some shit up!

    Reply

  5. LeSombre February 23, 2010 12:12 pm

    Awwwwwww! You guys are so cute!

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @LeSombre, yeah, we’re adorable!

    Reply

  6. Karen Sugarpants February 23, 2010 12:16 pm

    This just reaffirmed all the mush I already felt for y’all. Love you guys.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Karen Sugarpants, I think I can speak for all of us when I say: we love you, too.

    Reply

  7. Lisa February 23, 2010 12:31 pm

    Awwwww It’s truly awesome to see the love you all have for each other.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Lisa, thanks, Lisa. You know, I think it’s really cool that there are still people in this world who can just be happy for other people’s good fortune.

    Reply

  8. Jenn February 23, 2010 1:14 pm

    Mafia is defined as:any small powerful or influential group in an organization or field; clique.So yeah.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Jenn, clique? Yeah, probably. Powerful or influential?

    hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahaha

    Maybe over our husbands and children. ON A GOOD DAY.

    Reply

  9. Faiqa February 23, 2010 2:20 pm

    I think the photo says it all. You are our center– in some ways, the glue that binds us to one another. And our courage. Yes, our courage. This was beautiful and perfect.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Faiqa, my fucking blog ate my response to you. Fuck.

    Reply

  10. ThePsychobabble February 23, 2010 2:37 pm

    It is so awesome that the four of you managed to find each other.
    That whole more-like-family-than-friends is something not everyone gets to experience.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @ThePsychobabble, it is cool, and so totally random if anyone ever sat down and broke down how we all came to be friends.

    Reply

  11. CP February 23, 2010 3:24 pm

    I’d break a set of knee caps for youse guys anyday.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @CP, and I believe that you could, too. LOL

    Reply

  12. Headless Mom February 23, 2010 3:38 pm

    This, my dear, is what blogging is all about. I doubt that you’d have found each other with out it, and you’ll always be in one another’s lives because of it. Very cool.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Headless Mom, amen to that. BlogHer should have a panel about THAT, in my opinion.

    Reply

  13. B.E. Earl February 23, 2010 4:29 pm

    She’s still part of the gang. Just the West Coast Edition, is all.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @B.E. Earl, MOE GREENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  14. Hockeymandad February 23, 2010 4:34 pm

    Hilly will be the missed around here, but she will be the better off in the where she’ll be I think. Besides, thanks to the Internet, you guys aren’t that the far the away.

    I would like to apply for the vacancy please. Or else I demand you change your name to the North Orlando Mafia.

    Adam needs a fellow male in the group and I’m fairly athletic so I can carry out “special” jobs with precision and skill. You know, if there’s a “problem” that needs to be “handled” quietly.

    Also, I’m a ninja.

    Reply

    Hilly Reply:

    @Hockeymandad, You are actually a good candidate. I have no more say-so, but I can put in a good word for ya. ;)

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Hilly, you have no more say-so? Really? Who are you kidding. Let’s imagine us recruiting a total tool for a moment and you having no say….

    Um, yeah. No.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Hockeymandad, OK, but you’re going to have to get over your issue with pickles.

    Reply

  15. Coal Miner's Granddaughter February 23, 2010 4:47 pm

    For all the crime/drug/illegal connotations, “mafia” is a word that also conjurs “family.”

    You guys are a family. And that’s what is so awesome about you four.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, plus we sell heroine on the side.

    Reply

    Coal Miner's Granddaughter Reply:

    @Miss Britt, Well, duh. Why do you think I hang with you guys? That and the hope that one day you’ll give me a “hot” TV. :)

    And now I will await the angry Italian comment replies…

    Reply

  16. Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] February 23, 2010 4:52 pm

    You’re all fecking awesome.

    Also, I just want to point out, that none of you actually LIVE in Orlando. just sayin…

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing], hmmm… good point. Add that to the “reasons it’s totally douchey” list!

    Reply

  17. Nancy February 23, 2010 5:04 pm

    Hmmm. The last time I was with Adam, I paid. And then I sent a shirt. And then I sent chocolate.

    I’m beginning to think I have “schmuck” tattooed on my forehead.

    I may have to send my mafia to your mafia. Hmmm, but that may not be a bad thing.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Nancy, and by the way? I LOVE THAT SHIRT!!

    (I’m actually wearing it in the photo in this post. So thank you.)

    Reply

    Nancy Reply:

    @Miss Britt, I thought that was it. It looked familiar. You wear it well! :)

    Reply

  18. Princess of the Universe February 23, 2010 5:41 pm

    My heart is breaking for all of you to have lost a member of your group – this was a beautiful post Britt…
    xo

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Princess of the Universe, thanks sweetie. I think we’ve all come to terms with the fact that this is what is best for her, and that’s really all anyone can ask for their friends.

    Reply

  19. sue February 23, 2010 5:41 pm

    Perfect. Just freakin’ perfect. I’m jealous.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @sue, awwwww, don’t be jealous. :-(

    Reply

  20. Selma February 23, 2010 5:49 pm

    That’s beautiful *sniff*

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Selma, thank you. :-)

    Reply

  21. Sybil Law February 23, 2010 5:57 pm

    Well for certain Hilly is not Fredo! Haha
    Seriously – very cute- and cool.
    OFM!

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Sybil Law, oh Lord no, Hilly could never be as lame as Fredo!

    Reply

  22. Poppy February 23, 2010 8:34 pm

    You guys named YOURSELVES that? Wowwwwwwwwwwwuh. I thought you got called that by people who hate(d) you.

    Silly me.

    Reply

    Faiqa Reply:

    @Poppy, PEOPLE HATE US?!!!

    That is so cool.

    Reply

    Poppy Reply:

    @Faiqa, *giggle*

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Faiqa, it’s just like high school all over again!

    Well, except for Adam, obviously.

    Reply

    Hilly Reply:

    @Poppy, The people who hate us just roll their eyes at that. That makes me want to do it more…shhhh.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Poppy, well, I think people who hate us ALSO call us that. LOL

    Actually, it started in Kentucky when Hilly was speaking “for us” to another group of friends, as a joke.

    Then, when we were flying home, someone used the exact term on Twitter to describe Hilly, Adam and I on a plane. Now that I think about it, I don’t think they meant it as a compliment. LOL

    Reply

    Poppy Reply:

    @Miss Britt, I ADORE Brad and Turnbaby, but I am sooooooo glad to have missed whatever drama occurred at their home.

    Reply

  23. hello haha narf February 23, 2010 9:18 pm

    i love that yinz all get the family, regardless of whether or not you are related thing. fantastic post.

    love you guys.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @hello haha narf, love you, too.

    And I have a real guest bed now, in case you were wondering….

    Reply

    hello haha narf Reply:

    @Miss Britt,
    i never complained about the old accommodations, but i will happily check out this new alleged guest bed. (who am i shitting, i’d sleep on that comfy couch in your front room and be all kinds of happy just to be there. although jared totally said we could make a becky sammich in your big ole bed. regardless, how’s april looking for you?)

    Reply

    avitable Reply:

    @hello haha narf, no way – you’re staying with me!!

    Reply

  24. Bonnie B. February 23, 2010 10:15 pm

    “…because she is just so damn much cooler and more confident than you could ever hope to be.” Okay, see? That right there? Is the reason I’m scared to death to try to connect with Hilly, even though she will only be living an hour from me in California. And then you went and cemented it by saying that if I had to look up who Moe Green was, maybe we couldn’t be friends. And I KNEW I wasn’t cool enough for Hilly! WAH!!!!!!

    Reply

    Hilly Reply:

    Bonnie, what? No way! I am not cooler than you and trust me when I say that I don’t even think that way AT ALL! Please, let’s hang out! You see me here, begging? Sheesh. ;)

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Bonnie B., Hilly might be cooler than I am, but she wouldn’t never accidentally discourage someone with a joke about a silly movie reference.

    She is much LESS of an asshole than I am – so you should be good. ;-)

    Reply

  25. Poppy February 23, 2010 10:24 pm

    @Faiqa, I PUT A *GIGGLE* ONE HERE BUT IT GOT EATEN!

    *giggle*!!!

    Reply

    Poppy Reply:

    @Poppy, ONE? Really? ON, smart girl. ON!

    Reply

  26. Erin February 24, 2010 12:00 am

    One of the things I’ve learned is that–from my own experience with my own “mafia”–is that no matter the distance, you are always always together. It’s how you can go years and years without seeing each other or even talking much (NOT that that will happen to you of course, but hear me out) and then still sit down with each other and pick up right where you left off, almost as if you had only gotten up to pee.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Erin, that’s how I imagine it would be for us, too. Just hope it doesn’t take years to see her again.

    Reply

  27. Hilly February 24, 2010 8:25 am

    This is so amazing, Britt. I feel like I entered California last night with all of you by my side and nothing anywhere can ever change that. Nothing.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Hilly, we will always be by your side, cheering you on.

    And of course, that includes J-Town and The Dood, too.

    Reply

  28. Mandi Bone February 24, 2010 8:47 am

    I think your mafia looks like a very cool club to be in.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Mandi Bone, oh yes, we are very cool. We do cool activities like “try to teach each other how to take MySpace awesome self portraits”.

    For real.

    Reply

    Mandi Bone Reply:

    @Miss Britt,
    Can I be a hanger on person if I ever move to Fl? Or I could buy drinks for you all when I come to the Mouse’s House next time.

    Reply

    Mandi Bone Reply:

    @Miss Britt,
    If I ever move to Fl could I be a person who just hangs around all of you? Or I could buy drink next time I come visit Mickey.

    Reply

  29. Karl February 24, 2010 9:20 am

    So obnoxious, the mafia thing. I’ve set up the Sebring Mafia to show you how ridiculous it is. Course, I’m the only member.

    Reply

    Miss Britt Reply:

    @Karl, you know what I find hysterical about this?

    I’m pretty sure you were the first person to actually use the term “Orlando Mafia” on Twitter. I guess when someone takes ownership of words directed at them it becomes obnoxious?

    The fact that you compared it to a “group of one” kind of shows that you’re missing the point, babe.

    Reply

    Karl Reply:

    @Miss Britt, Heh, nope, wasn’t me. I was only repeating what I’d heard. :)

    Reply

    Hilly Reply:

    @Karl, Hey can you NOT be misanthropic on my “goodbye” post please? K, thanks.

    Reply

    Karl Reply:

    @Hilly, That wasn’t misanthropic, it was just me being a smartass.

    Reply

    Faiqa Reply:

    @Karl, MAFIA WAR!!!

    Reply

  30. Lee February 24, 2010 12:04 pm

    I don’t come on here and say this anywhere near often enough but your blog really makes my day sometimes thank you

    Have a great one

    Reply

  31. Karen February 24, 2010 12:07 pm

    Sometimes the best family is the one you choose – or that chooses you. You are so lucky to have one another.

    Reply

  32. Elizabeth Kaylene February 24, 2010 1:22 pm

    I love you guys. I know that you will all continue to have those strong bonds, even though the distance may make it seem like they’re thinning.

    Long live the Orlando Mafia.

    Reply

  33. Issa February 25, 2010 1:16 pm

    I love this. I hate to use a TV term, but it’s always great when you find your people. Mine live in a few different states. Takes some getting used too, but it’s still great.

    Reply

  34. Al_Pal March 10, 2010 4:01 pm

    Awww, you guys! I’m so sorry that you’re missing your person.
    I am looking forward to meeting her in person, though. ;p

    Reply

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