Murky Waters (or – I could totally be Wynona Riders’ character in Bettlejuice) on Miss Britt

Murky Waters (or – I could totally be Wynona Riders’ character in Bettlejuice)

by Miss Britt on October 12, 2009

“How are you?”

I hate that question.

Hate it.

I hated it before because the answer was always too depressing, or not depressing enough. The question was loaded with expectations and a desire to help an unhelpable situation.

I hate it now because I don’t know.

I want to say OK. I want to say good. I’m supposed to say good.

But good is too big. Good is too all encompassing and final and five steps ahead of where I’m at right now.

How am I?

I’m treading water. Except that treading water implies that your head is above the surface, and I’m not exactly sure mine is. I’m hanging on. Minute to minute, I’m hanging on. I’m waiting for the dam to break.

On the other side of the dam lies normal life and vivid colors.

On this side of the dam is a flood of doubt and fear and guilt and sense that I have screwed everything up. I feel like I’m not recovering as quickly as I should. I’m going over all the phone calls I haven’t made or returned, all of the emails I can’t stand to respond to, all of the pieces that I just don’t have the heart to pick up yet.

I feel isolated.

And yet, every time someone tries to make their way through the walls of isolation, I push them out.

I feel trapped inside an alternate reality, a reality that exists deep inside the recesses of my own mind. I’m paranoid. Why hasn’t that person called? Is that other person upset with me, or disappointed in me? Is everyone shaking their head at how horribly I’ve handled myself?

I’m tired of being maudlin. I’m fed up with being fragile. I haven’t been this emotionally confused and angst ridden since I was 16 years old and wall papering my bedroom with handwritten poems.

I’m sick of me.

I imagine the rest of the world is, too.

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Posted in Personal - Growth and Things I'm Trying To Learn

43 Comments so far

Bre October 12, 2009 4:54 pm
The lyrics to “Let It Be” are flooding my brain… Cheesier yet:”Just Breathe” by Anna Nalik…
Also? I wanna wallpaper walls with handwritten poems! That’s badass!

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
@Bre, and now I am downloading music like a MAD woman.

I can’t believe I didn’t already have “Let It Be”.

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Bre October 12, 2009 4:55 pm
*Nalick*

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Becky October 12, 2009 5:10 pm
I won’t pretend to speak for anyone else, but I suspect there will be dozens of comments saying they are not sick of you. I for one am not. I rush to the front of the line of people ready to hold your hand, offer a klenex, pour the next drink. Just know that I am sitting quietly and if you want to sit in a quiet corner, away from the well meaning “How are you doing?” questions, I’m saving you a seat.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
@Becky, I wonder if you know how many times I’ve pictured you quietly sitting with me.

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avitable October 12, 2009 5:11 pm
Now I can only think of an ugly Wynona Judd mixed with the hot elfish sexy Winona Ryder. My brain needs bleach.

And now, we’re not sick of you. We’re rooting for you.

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Sheila (Charm School Reject) Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
@avitable, did you just have a typo? You did, didn’t you? omgosh – you’re human after all!

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avitable Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), shit. The Judd one is spelled “Wynonna”, isn’t it?

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Faiqa Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
@avitable, Clearly, this woman spelled her own name incorrectly. Adam, you’re in the clear.

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mare Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
@Faiqa, LOL! That’s what my partner says about his always getting my birthday wrong; clearly I don’t know when I was born…

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Sheila (Charm School Reject) Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@avitable ::tsk tsk::

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
@avitable, uhhh.. just testing this – let me know if you get this in an email, k?

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Bre Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
@avitable,
Well said: “We’re rooting for you”

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:13 am
@avitable, um – I’m sorry – why is that??

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avitable Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Miss Britt, because you spelled Winona Ryder’s name as Wynona, so I started thinking of Wynonna Judd and that was it.

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Dee October 12, 2009 5:15 pm
Not sick of you at all – friendship has vows of it’s own, even if they’re not spoken, and one of those is through thick or thin. If you need to vent, then go ahead: if you need to wallow, let me prepare the mud. If you need to snap yourself out of it then friends will lend a hand, or if you need to just be protected from the world then let your friends be your shelter.

This is your space and these are your people: you do what you need to and we’ll be there all the way.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
@Dee, “these are your people”

God, I am incredibly lucky. Seriously.

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Finn October 12, 2009 5:34 pm
Well I for one AM sick of you.

Does that help?

Kisses!

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
@Finn, lol, smart ass.

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Kim October 12, 2009 5:35 pm
Not sick of you at all. In fact, I’m pulling for you and hoping that people will stop asking you the question. It’s such a stupid question anyway. When coworkers ask, I say, “I’m here.” Not that I think of it, they’re probably sick of me. But screw ‘em. Screw ‘em all!

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
@Kim, SCREW ‘EM ALL!

I’m just going to run around screaming that all day, because it makes me giggle.

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Sheila (Charm School Reject) October 12, 2009 5:43 pm
So not sick of you.

For realz.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@Sheila (Charm School Reject), thank you. And I’m sorry I haven’t emailed you back yet.

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Sheila (Charm School Reject) Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@Miss Britt, Pffffffffft. Take your time. Seriously. And if you never find time, that’s alright…just don’t shoot me dirty looks in (omg!)two weeks.

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Darla October 12, 2009 5:43 pm
I’m not sick of you! I read your every post.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@Darla, heh. Thanks.

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themuttprincess October 12, 2009 6:01 pm
Keep treading. Keep swimming. Whatever it takes. YOU CAN DO THIS!

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@themuttprincess, man. The constant encouragement you (guys) give is… well… it’s humbling and amazing.

Thank you.

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Denise October 12, 2009 6:08 pm
An ex once presented me with tape compilation that he entitled “treading water”.

At least if you KNOW you’re treading water, you’re aware that change is necessary and preparing for it, rather than sweeping everything under the carpet, smiling and setting into comfortable inauthenticity.

Not the easiest place in the world to be, though.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:26 am
@Denise, YAY for me not having rugs! LOL

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Sybil Law October 12, 2009 6:32 pm
Time to stop treading and just float on your back.
I don’t know what that means, either. Except to maybe relax.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Sybil Law, heh. How about laying on my back? Does that count?

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Becca October 12, 2009 6:55 pm
I also hate that question. In the weeks after my Dad passed, people would say that and I always have some smartass answer that I can’t use, because I must (of course) be polite!

I hate it because most of the time, people don’t really want the answer. They ask because they don’t know what else to say.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Becca, I feel horrible because I’m not dealing with death or that kind of grief.

I think people GET that better.

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Karen Sugarpants October 12, 2009 6:56 pm
Nope!
Baby steps, kid. Hearts are fragile, but you are not. You’ll get there. xoxo

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Karen Sugarpants, thanks for understanding, Karen. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

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Poppy October 12, 2009 7:15 pm
Nope, not sick of you yet!

Oh, damn, Karen stole my nope.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
@Poppy, big. cheesy. grin. here.

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Wendy October 12, 2009 7:50 pm
Not only are we rooting for you, we are right there with you. I am figuring out I am mentally abused by my husband. And that is hard. And what do I do. But this is not my blog. And i don’t want you to feel that you shouldn’t feel so bad. I want you to know I am there. I understand. I don’t know either. I feel trapped too. I have 2 kids too. I am not ok yet. But I am trying to figure it out. That is all we can do.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:23 am
@Wendy, ugh, that hurts my heart to hear. NO ONE deserves to be abused.

No one.

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Wendy October 12, 2009 7:52 pm
And I want to come to Avitable’s Party, but I’m scared to suggest it. That’s how it is. Love you all! Keep it up!

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avitable Reply:
October 12th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
@Wendy, you are invited!

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hello haha narf October 12, 2009 8:12 pm
my standard answer to the how are you trap is to smile and say “getting better!” and really, it does seem that the more i said it the truer it became. like somehow i was willing myself to get better. minute by minute, inquiry by inquiry, i was practically forcing myself to get better.

and actually? eventually i did.

i still say “getting better!” because it helps keep me happy due to it really fucking with people since they have no clue how to reply to me. it is the little things that make me smile…

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@hello haha narf, hahahhaaha, Jared said today, “tell them ‘I’m super great – but getting better!”

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hello haha narf Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
@Miss Britt,
today at work a brazillion people have started conversations with “hihowareyouiwaswonderingifyoucouldhelpme…” and it angered me that they never paused for the answer to how i was. dammit, don’t ask me if you don’t fucking wanna know. grrrrr!
so i guess i am saying i am at least glad that people care about you. or i guess i am venting over here in your comments.
hi!
xoxo

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hello haha narf Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
@Miss Britt,
also? squeeze jared for me.

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Margaret October 12, 2009 8:35 pm
Not sick of you, proud of the fact that you can let go on here. And when people ask how I am, I just tell them that I’m here that’s all we can ask for in a given day.

That is all you can ask for. No matter what you’re doing while you’re here, you’re here and you’ll do what you need to do.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Margaret, I’m going to practice saying “I’m here” with a smile.

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Mona October 12, 2009 8:42 pm
only 4 words for you

THE SHACK…read it

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:21 am
@Mona, and now I’m scurrying to Amazon…

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Sheila (Charm School Reject) Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
@Miss Britt, If I can find it, you can have my copy.

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Faiqa October 12, 2009 9:19 pm
Yes, I could see how someone could get sick of you… sick of your AWESOMENESS maybe.

P.S. “I am alone. Utterly alone.” I love that line from Beetlejuice. Her name, btw, was Lydia.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
@Faiqa, *sigh* God, I love you. Really. You are an AWESOME friend.

And yes – that’s the exact quote my mom and I always reference. With much dramatic flair, of course. LOL

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Rebecca October 12, 2009 9:25 pm
It’s OK to not be OK. We love you any which way you are.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
@Rebecca, but surely there is a time limit, right?

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racheal October 12, 2009 10:04 pm
I don’t have a lot to say (shocking) except that I can relate.

and I’m not sick of you.

big warm hugs and love.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
@racheal, hey, “I can relate” is enough.

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Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy October 12, 2009 11:32 pm
Winona Ryder is boss, particularly when she plays Lydia in Beetlejuice. How are you is probably my least favorite question. Mostly because, it seems that when people ask me, the last thing anyone wants to hear is the real answer. They all seem to want me to tell them something positive whether positive is where the answer falls or not. But that’s just me. Oh! and I’m not sick of you–yet. ha, I kid.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
@Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy, I’m either lucky, naive, or oblivious – but I think most of the people who ask me really DO want to know.

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Chibi Jeebs October 13, 2009 12:27 am
Never.

“How are you” blows. I’m always FINE (well, hanging on by a thin thread) until someone asks me how I am. Those three words are the most likely to make me dissolve into tears.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
@Chibi Jeebs, I think because it makes us stop and look at ourselves – and I am getting so tired of looking at me right now.

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Lynda October 13, 2009 12:54 am
I hate “How are you?” I hate it more after my sister died.

It’s the question no one really wants an answer to.

And I’m not sick of you. Tell that little voice of negativity to stop it. (At least, that’s who always tells me that the world is tired of me.)

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
@Lynda, “Tell that little voice of negativity to stop it. ”

This really struck me this morning. I’ve been thinking about it non stop.

Thank you.

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Vic October 13, 2009 6:16 am
My answer is usually ‘good’ accompanied with a smile that’s more fake than the colour of my hair. Or I’ve been better. I find it hard to admit that I’m barely getting by, and even if I could, it’s not what people want to hear when they ask that question. As long as you’re being honest with the ones that matter, then I guess you’re doing ok at answering that one.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Vic, I know the people who ask really DO want to know… while at the same time hoping for the best.

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Kristin October 13, 2009 8:24 am
I read every one of your posts and I am supporting you from “afar” because I know that is what you need. And, when you are ready, you will call.
I love you

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
@Kristin, I love you, too.

And thank you for understanding – as usual.

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Maggie, dammit October 13, 2009 8:40 am
I’m not.

Also? Release yourself from those message-returning obligations. Mark all as read. Archive. Crumple paper. Start a fresh to-do list with the focus on you. People (who matter) will understand.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
@Maggie, dammit, but for how long, ya know? Eventually people start to think “yeah, ok, you’re not the only one with shit going on in your life” – right?

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NYCWD October 13, 2009 9:35 am
Sick of you? Never.

However all this popcorn with extra butter I’ve been consuming has been making me a little queasy.

Maybe its time to switch to Twizzlers.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
@NYCWD, I AM SO CONFUSED.

You baffle me.

Always.

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muskrat October 13, 2009 9:36 am
What Maggie said.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:16 am
@muskrat, what I said to maggie.

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perpstu October 13, 2009 10:16 am
Sick of you? Never. I hate the how are you question even when I’m doing ok. You’ll make it through, we’re all pulling for you!

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:15 am
@perpstu, I think I’m going to just start asking people about the weather. LOL

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melissa October 13, 2009 10:30 am
on your team.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am
@melissa, thank you.

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Rachael October 13, 2009 12:32 pm
I think, perhaps, the answer you are looking for is: I am still here. It’s an achievement, and you should know that it is more than enough.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:59 am
@Rachael, gah! That word “enough” keeps popping up lately.

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Just Me October 13, 2009 1:00 pm
My standard answer when asked “How are you?” is “I woke up breathing, can’t get any better than that”

Hang in there kid….we are your cheerleaders and you know cheerleaders don’t get sick of the people they cheer for!

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:58 am
@Just Me, ummmmm… have you ever cheered for a team that constantly loses? I am pretty sure those cheerleaders are bitter, bitter girls. Heh.

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lceel October 13, 2009 2:28 pm
Tired of you? Not on your life. You are going through a shitstorm of emotional stuff right now and in the midst of making decisions, that one way or another, will affect the rest of your life.

It isn’t up to us to judge you, to get ‘tired’ of you, to be anything less than totally supportive. That’s not our job – that’s not what we’re here for. We are here, for you, because we choose to be. Because we want to be.

And more than anything we want our Miss Britt back – bight, articulate, sassy and gorgeous. No matter what your decisions turn out to be, we just want you to be happy with what you choose to do.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:57 am
@lceel, hey – who says I am not still bright, articulate, sassy and gorgeous??

OK, sassy might be a stretch.

OK, and maybe gorgeous. Unless you’re into the no makeup every other day shower schedule look.

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lceel October 13, 2009 2:30 pm
TYPO!!!! bright, articulate, etc. Don’t bight. (Ancient spelling of ‘bite’)

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J from Ireland October 13, 2009 3:05 pm
Definitely not sick of you, Britt. My heart aches for you.

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:56 am
@J from Ireland, I’ll be ok. I mean – surely, right?

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Kimberly October 13, 2009 10:01 pm
Maudlin is the new black. xo

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Miss Britt Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Awesome. I look fantastic in black!

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sam {temptingmama} October 14, 2009 8:24 am
I love you. That’s all. Big squishy loving love.

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Miss Britt October 14, 2009 9:54 am
@sam {temptingmama}, love you too, Woman.

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Kelly October 15, 2009 2:01 pm
I’m pretty sure you’re the only one that’s sick of you.
I know the feeling – and supposedly, it gets better. That’s what “they” keep saying.
You can do whatever it is you need to do – don’t be too hard on yourself.
((hugs))

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Ashlie- Mommycosm October 15, 2009 2:02 pm
Nope. Not sick of you. Hang in there. Come up for air every now and then until your head stays above water.

And…Your poems on the wall? When I was 16, we stripped the paper off the walls in my bedroom. There were poems and funny things written all over the wall underneath from the 1950s. It was SO cool. I didn’t want to re-paper, but my parents made me.

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Murky Waters (or – I could totally be Wynona Riders’ character in Bettlejuice)

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