Everything but fine.

by Miss Britt on September 28, 2009

Things are not looking good.

A week ago, I was awash with hope.  My defenses were down, my heart was softened.

I knew it was a risk, letting hope in it, but I made the concious decision that I could handle whatever consequences came from it.

I was strong.

And now, I’m weak.

Now, things are not hopeful.  Things are not clear.  Things are spiraling down so quickly I can barely keep up.  Now, my head is reeling with the logistics that would have to accompany The End.  It’s all so much.  Too much.  More, possibly, than I can handle.

For weeks I have been saying “I’m OK”.  “I’m fine, really.”

But now, I am not fine.

I’m terrified.

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Posted in Love and Marriage, Personal - Growth and Things I'm Trying To Learn

64 Comments so far

  1. Robin September 28, 2009 7:37 pm

    ((((hug))))

    The best I can offer is, eventually things get better, or at least that’s what they keep telling me.

    Reply

  2. avitable September 28, 2009 7:38 pm

    I have faith that it will be clear and you guys will figure it out.

    Reply

    Karen Sugarpants Reply:
    September 28th, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    @avitable, i hope Adam is right, babe. Love you.

    Reply

  3. LeSombre September 28, 2009 7:38 pm

    So sorry. :-(

    Reply

  4. Bre September 28, 2009 7:38 pm

    I’m so sorry, Britt. I’m thinking of you… And Jay loves you too.

    Reply

  5. Darla September 28, 2009 7:39 pm

    I’m sorry Britt.

    Reply

  6. moosh in indy. September 28, 2009 7:44 pm

    inhale.
    exhale.
    repeat.
    xo

    Reply

  7. Robin September 28, 2009 7:45 pm

    “I knew it was a risk, letting hope in it, but I made the conscious decision that I could handle whatever consequences came from it.”
    —
    You STILL can. Whatever happens, you’ll get through it, and we’ll all be here to go through it with you…I know I will be. :)

    ::hugs::

    Reply

  8. Blondefabulous September 28, 2009 7:49 pm

    I tell HHH all the time….

    “If I didn’t love you so God Damn much we wouldn’t fight as hard as we do.”

    I never fought with my Ex-husband…. and our marriage just died.

    It will come…. just breathe.

    Reply

  9. Janelle September 28, 2009 7:50 pm

    *hugs*

    Reply

  10. Poppy September 28, 2009 7:50 pm

    In a year you will look back and remember this as a hard time, but be so strong that you won’t remember exactly why it was so hard.

    Right now it is so very, very awful, and I’m sorry.

    We are here for you.

    Reply

  11. Finn September 28, 2009 7:51 pm

    Lean on me if you need to. All that working out has to be good for something.

    XO

    Reply

  12. donna September 28, 2009 7:52 pm

    I know it’s so hard. The hope feels so good for a brief period of time, and then one little thing, a voice inflection, a facial expression taken the wrong way can take it all away and you beat yourself up for ever having dared to hope.

    But either way this goes, you will survive and you will be happy again.

    Reply

  13. Maria September 28, 2009 8:21 pm

    It makes me so crazy that I can’t make this all better for you.

    Reply

  14. Nanna September 28, 2009 8:26 pm

    My littlest and dearest love, “strong” and “weak” are not polar opposites, they just ARE. This is just PART of it. Not ALL of it.

    As others have said, breathe. Stay open. Keep talking, and don’t worry about making sense. That doesn’t matter.

    Remember? It WILL work out. Somehow. In a way you probably can’t envision but it WILL work out. It always always always does.

    And you mean more to me than anything on this planet.

    Reply

  15. muskrat September 28, 2009 9:19 pm

    I’m not going to lie and say I’m optimistic about the situation, but I will say that I’ll expect you to be a cheerful, strong little Britt the next time I see you, regardless.

    Reply

  16. Heather September 28, 2009 9:20 pm

    Thinking of you. Wishing you clarity…

    Reply

  17. pgoodness September 28, 2009 9:28 pm

    Hoping things work out whatever way is best for both/all of you. Just keep swimming.

    Reply

  18. maggie, dammit September 28, 2009 9:32 pm

    Stay here. Right here. Hang in there. You will remember this, right now, as much as it sucks. You will remember it one way or another. I have been where you are. There’s still room for hope, or there’s not–either way, you are still you. Here. Beautiful and wonderful and good. Hold tight. xo

    Reply

  19. Coal Miner's Granddaughter September 28, 2009 9:36 pm

    I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not a fly on the wall. I know things aren’t good right now with you and Jared, but I don’t know specifics, details, but I know you’re stronger than you think you are and somehow, no matter the outcome, what you both decide will be what is best. I have faith in that.

    Now, you just need to have faith in yourself and in him.

    I love you.

    Reply

  20. thetutugirl September 28, 2009 9:40 pm

    Hugs.

    One foot in front of the other. It will eventually all work out, even if its not what you’re expecting right now.

    Reply

  21. Kristin September 28, 2009 9:45 pm

    Babe,

    You can and WILL get through this no matter the outcome. Keep your head up.
    I love you!

    Reply

  22. Fantastagirl September 28, 2009 10:13 pm

    Breathe.

    I feel bad you are in a crappy place right now, but it will get better.

    Your goal: to have tomorrow’s level of crapdom be slightly less than today’s.

    Many hugs….

    Reply

  23. Headless Mom September 28, 2009 10:16 pm

    I wish I wasn’t on the other side of the country so I could do this in person.

    ((((((HUGS)))))

    And, I’m praying for you and all that you’re going through. If you want me to pray for something specific email me, k?

    Reply

  24. racheal September 28, 2009 10:25 pm

    sending so much love and hugs your way.

    hope you get them.

    Reply

  25. Maria September 28, 2009 10:30 pm

    I just wanted you to know that I’m here. In your universe, giving you my support.

    xoxo

    Reply

  26. stephanie September 28, 2009 11:02 pm

    Not sure if you are even reading comments right now, but if you are…I have faith that whatever is meant to be, will be. God is in control, sweetie. I wish you strength, wisdom, and mostly I wish you some peace and clarity. Take care, Britters.

    Reply

  27. Lynda September 28, 2009 11:16 pm

    You are going to be on that roller coaster for a bit, I’m sorry to say. After a while, you’ll have less loop de loops though.

    That offer is still open, if you need to talk.

    Reply

  28. Employee No. 3699 September 28, 2009 11:41 pm

    I’m not aware of the details, but I know you’re a strong woman and beautiful person. Whichever way things turn out I believe you’ll be okay. Just wanted to send a big (hug) your way.

    Reply

  29. Al_Pal September 28, 2009 11:52 pm

    GAh. Keep Breathing. I hope things get better, and soon. *HUGS*

    Reply

  30. Collette September 29, 2009 12:45 am

    You will get through this. Just keep your head up & things will get better! (((HUGS)))

    Reply

  31. Alison September 29, 2009 12:49 am

    I know hun. What the hell is Plan ‘B’ when Plan ‘A’ meets Chernobyl? All I can tell you girl, is that this is a giant seesaw – you’ll be back up again soon, and then back down again and so on for who knows how long. Good days will be back, ok? This is huge in anyone’s life – give yourself permission to feel it all. EVERYTHING DOESN’T HAVE TO BE FIGURED OUT TODAY. You are smart – do what’s best for you day by day, and it will all come together. Hang in there. I’m on the same road, a little further ahead and it’s a lot brighter where I am standing. You’ll get here :)

    Reply

  32. Twenty Four At Heart September 29, 2009 1:16 am

    I know that fear.
    Sending big hugs …!

    Reply

  33. Alicia September 29, 2009 1:20 am

    I’m so sorry. Uncertainty sucks. I’m wishing you happy things.

    Reply

  34. Kris September 29, 2009 1:33 am

    No matter what decisions are made and what happens, know that you and the kids WILL be fine in the end. Honest. (HUGS)

    You have a lot of people to talk to if/when you need to.

    Reply

  35. Lauren September 29, 2009 2:44 am

    ***HUGS*** I got nothing. Just…. *snuggle*

    Reply

  36. Dawn September 29, 2009 6:28 am

    But no matter what, you WILL BE fine again.

    xo

    Reply

  37. SciFi Dad September 29, 2009 6:57 am

    Fuck. I’m sorry, Britt.

    Reply

  38. Sybil Law September 29, 2009 8:19 am

    xoxoxo

    Reply

  39. JenGW September 29, 2009 8:37 am

    “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

    You don’t need strength. You will be okay.

    Reply

  40. Selma September 29, 2009 8:37 am

    Thinking of you XXX

    Reply

  41. FC September 29, 2009 9:03 am

    ((Hug)) I just held my breath while reading your post. I could have written this post myself. Take heart in knowing you are not alone.
    ~ FC

    Reply

  42. kapgar September 29, 2009 9:19 am

    I’m really hoping for the best that it all works out. Please keep us all informed. Seriously.

    Reply

  43. always home and uncool September 29, 2009 9:26 am

    Clear mind. Close mouth. Open heart. You’ll make it.

    Be well.

    Reply

  44. Sheila (Charm School Reject) September 29, 2009 10:06 am

    Wishing I had the words but knowing that I don’t, all I can offer you are some hugs and my support.

    xoxo

    Reply

  45. radioactivetori September 29, 2009 10:20 am

    I may not ever know what to say, but I am always reading and thinking good thoughts for you. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know. I hope you know I mean that!

    Reply

  46. lceel September 29, 2009 10:22 am

    Of COURSE you’re terrified. Who wouldn’t be? Now is the time – if there is any time EVER in your life – that listening to the advice of others is important. No matter what, the sun will come up tommorrow. No matter what – time is going to march on and carry you along with it.

    Your fear comes from the uncertainty that accompanies what you’re going through. You don’t know what’s coming next. You don’t know what things are going to be like. You don’t know what friends and family are going to think and say. There is SO MUCH you don’t know. And that is scary.

    What you MUST know is that you are going to survive this – and in doing so, YOU are going to be stronger.

    One day at a time, Missy. One HOUR at a time if that’s what it takes. And know that there are lots and lots of people out here that are ON YOUR SIDE.

    Reply

  47. floating princess September 29, 2009 11:05 am

    There isn’t a lot anyone can say to help you feel better right now. Uncertainty, upheaval, change…they’re all terrifying. It seems like life will never get back to normal. But you’ll find a new normal, and you wil get through this. I hope you know how many people are thinking of you, and I hope that gives you some comfort. We’d all give you big hugs right now if we could.

    Reply

  48. Lynette September 29, 2009 11:24 am

    I never think of hope as a bad thing. In fact, a little hope and maybe some faith will get you through to whatever’s next.

    Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. (hugs)

    Reply

  49. Hilly September 29, 2009 11:45 am

    I’ve said stuff in person so you know what I think and that I am here for you right now.

    The only thing left to say here is…I’ve got good pills. :)

    Reply

  50. Aunt Becky September 29, 2009 12:20 pm

    I’m just sorry. I don’t have advice, because really, I hate it when people offer me advice. So I’ll just tell you the truth: I’m here.

    Reply

  51. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah September 29, 2009 12:39 pm

    ((hug))

    Reply

  52. Suzy Voices September 29, 2009 2:32 pm

    You may not be fine right now, but you know you WILL be. Everything will be fine. Deep breaths…

    Reply

  53. whall September 29, 2009 4:16 pm

    Hey.

    Reply

  54. Dee September 29, 2009 5:12 pm

    You will get through this. (((hugs for you)))
    We are here

    Reply

  55. Tonz September 29, 2009 6:03 pm

    I was just reading through the comments…be ready to be bombarded with love and support coming your way because there’s a lot here. I can’t give advice at a time like this, just (((((hugs)))))…

    Reply

  56. Angi September 29, 2009 7:46 pm

    I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and I know that fear. No advice will change your feelings. No planning will make it less terrifying. Lean on your friends both here and in real life. Keep talking. Keep writing. Keep feeling. Wishing you less crap tomorrow and a sense of love and peace. The rest will come in time.

    Reply

  57. Lynn @ human, being September 29, 2009 8:56 pm

    In a few hours, or a few days, you’ll have another glimmer of hope. The terror? Part of the process. We’re all here, silent and by your side, shoring you up.

    You are not alone.

    Reply

  58. anne September 29, 2009 9:20 pm

    I can’t say anything that wasn’t already said, so I’ll just repeat others:

    1. lots of <<<<>>>>>

    2. lots of support

    3. I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I pray with all my heart that you and Jared both get the happy ending, because you deserve it. And no matter what happens, in the end you are surrounded by love and support.

    4. Also, BALLS. (Because a little laughter always helps, even just a little).

    Reply

  59. hello haha narf September 29, 2009 10:11 pm

    Oh darlin, I fucken hated to read this. It sucks to be powerless to help you. Fortunately I know that you are an intelligent, phenomenal woman who will survive. And flourish.
    Love, patience and strength to you.

    Reply

  60. Becky September 29, 2009 10:50 pm

    I know it sounds silly but my sister always tells me… It will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

    Prayers are answered, always answered, not always with what we want, but always with what we need.

    That, and my quiet support, is all I have to offer you.

    Reply

  61. Peggy September 29, 2009 11:44 pm

    You are all in our prayers and will continue to be. Hang in there. Woody and I will be thinking of you.

    Reply

  62. MB September 30, 2009 8:00 am

    Keep the faith that things will get better. Change is hard but you’ll get through it. You may be terrified but you are strong and need to do what is right for you.

    Reply

  63. Lee September 30, 2009 9:05 am

    in my thoughts, here’s hoping your o.k.

    Reply

  64. Sharon - Mom Generations October 3, 2009 6:38 pm

    Great strength comes at the times we least expect it. You are in the constant thoughts of so many… and you will never be alone.

    Reply

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