I dated a guy in college who was obsessed with movie quotes.
He’d send me random text messages with lines from Jim Carrey movies and wait for me to guess the name of the movie. He’d giggle if I got them right and strut if I got them wrong, impressed with his superior knowledge of movies based on butt humor.
In my defense, he had beautiful eyes and a really great ass.
And, well, I kind of have a weird little obsession with movie quotes myself.
I do this thing. This really dorky thing that I don’t even realize I’m doing half the time until someone new gives me that “what. the fuck. are you talking about?” look. Everyone in my family does it – from my mother and my brothers to my husband and my children – although I think it’s possible they believe their quoting the Bible or something. Whatever. We’re all a bunch of winners.
I randomly drop movie lines into my every day conversation.
For example…
Jared and I are arguing about something which I clearly know more about. Like, say, life. Despite my obvious superior knowledge on the subject, he pushes and pushes and tries to thwart me with half ass facts he’s picked up from AM talk radio.
“But, Britt…” he’ll stammer.
“Listen, Jared! Do you know the dolphin? Does he call you at home? DO YOU HAVE A DORSAL FIN? I think not. Shut up.”
And that’s how we end serious discussions in this house. Because we are both winners and Jared knows when he has been trumped.
But it’s not all Jim Carrey, all the time here. Oh, no. Our lameness is deep and wide and varied.
Can you spot the movie from the totally irrelevant and yet absolutely relevant movie quote?
“Why are you making a big deal out this, Britt?”
“Because! It doesn’t matter that I did take care of it for you – what if I hadn’t? Then what? What if I ‘forgot’ to handle stuff like you ‘forget’ to handle stuff? What if no one remember to take the garbage out/make doctor’s appointments/pick up the kids/pay that bill? I could have forgotten – and then what?”
“THEY WERE CONES!”
——-
I’m sitting on the couch enjoying too much TV far too close to my bed time. Jared’s puttering around in the kitchen trying to piece together some massively unhealthy dessert from left over halloween candy and sugar packets. Suddenly, the sound of breaking glass drowns out Tyra’s voice.
“Richard? What’d you doooo, Richard?”
And he doesn’t even ask me who Richard is.
—–
It’s 7:30 on a Saturday morning. I’ve been up for an hour because hunger pangs start at 6:30 in this house and no one can ever remember how to poor themselves a bowl of cereal if it’s a weekend. I’ve just finished negotiating my third “why are you touching me?!? Make him stop touching me! THE CAT IS NOT BIGGER THAN ME!” argument of the day.
I disappear into my bathroom in a misguided attempt to pee.
A knock on the bathroom door is immediately followed by “Mom! Emma dumped all of my Legos all over the floor!”
I hang my head in defeat. “You’re killing me, Smalls! You’re killing me!”
————-
I’m poking through my closet trying to find something to wear on a rare night out. Five minutes later I’m huffing and puffing and staring at the mound of discarded options that’s accumulated on my bed.
“Jared, I have nothing to wear! I’m not going.”
“Why don’t you wear that dress you wore on our anniversary last year?”
“It doesn’t.. uh.. look right anymore.”
“Why?”
“My parents died when I was ten, do you want to talk about that?”
——
It’s 10:30 at night and Jared’s watching TV on the couch with his eyes closed. I nudge him as I flip the TV off with the remote. “Baby, it’s time for bed.”
“Hmmm… yeah… mmm… just a minute.”
“Take me to bed or lose me forever.”
“Show me the way home, honey.”
“Get the light. Don’t forget to set the alarm.”
——————-
I’m working from home. A text message from my mom alerts me to a mini crisis back in Iowa. I send out an update on twitter that my day has just gone from meh to shit. Seconds later, my office line rings.
“Hey, is everything OK?” my boss asks.
“What? Oh, twitter. Yeah, I’m fine. Just blah blah blah yada yada yada insert detailed description of text message and resulting emotional distress blah blah yada.”
“Do you need me to watch the phones for you?”
“Oh, God. No. I promise that my personal drama will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Heh. I’m good.”
—————————-
My mother calls. I can tell she’s upset and trying not to cry. She sounds overwhelmed. The strain of school and work and family and not enough sleep is wearing on her.
“I just feel like – what the fuck am I doing, Britt? Maybe I’m doing this all for nothing.”
“No, baby. Not for nothing.”
I can hear her smile over the line.
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What movies am I quoting?
Do you quote movies? If so – what lines?
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Posted in Miss Britt - stories, memes and random facts about me Tagged: about, conversation, family, humor, life, Miss Britt, movies, random, TV
Maria Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 12:21 am
@avitable, My husband and I quote Shooter McGavin at each other a lot too.
Or ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?!?!
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Miss Britt Reply:
July 6th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
@Maria, GO IN YOUR HOME, BALL!!
Yep.
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