This post is not supposed to exist.
I’m not supposed to remember.
I’m definitely not supposed to care.
Somehow, the fact that I can write these words all these years later feels like a betrayal to my husband as well as my pride. It’s pathetic and… well, pathetic is really the most perfect word. Pathetic. And pitiful.
And I’m babbling.
I know.
It started when someone on Twitter mentioned that an old ex-boyfriend had contacted them via Facebook. They were a little annoyed. I jokingly asked what the hell was wrong with me that none of my old boyfriends were tracking me down on Facebook – or anywhere else for that matter. Avitable reminded me that I thought it was creepy that he sought out friends he hasn’t spoken to in 20 years. We did a radio show about contacting old friends.
None of that seems significant. None of it should be.
And I’m babbling again.
I know.
The problem, for me at least, is that I cannot hear the word “ex-boyfriend” without thinking of him. I cannot think of him without wondering if he thinks of me. And I cannot linger on that thought for long without facing the fact that no, no he does not.
My God, that boy meant the world to me. I was so sure, so absolutely certain, that he was the one. Even after he’d broken my heart, it was years before I ever entertained the idea that anyone else had ever possibly loved the way we had.
He is a fundamental part of my history.
Fuck. Thinking about him now, more than a decade later, sitting in my living room with my Christmas tree and my children, my chest physically burns as I struggle for my next breath. I have to stop for a moment and refocus on the screen, find my bearings again in a wave of emotion that threatens to crush me if given free reign.
All this time later and I can still feel his touch if I let myself.
Jesus. Who does that? Who holds on that damn tight to something so… something that should be so… meaningless?
I was 17. I was 17 fucking years old when these memories were made. Pathetic doesn’t even begin to cover it.
And yet if you ask me today about the love of my life, I’d be lying if I said his name didn’t spring to the back of my mind while I told you about my husband.
None of this is really the point. It’s just the preamble, really. But it’s hard not to let myself get caught up in my side of the story once I’ve given myself a taste of it.
The point is that… well… I am pathetic.
And he is not.
He is sane and whole and healthy. Functional, apparently. He is not aching for closure or curious. He is not holding on to a handful of memories that he rarely allows himself to indulge in, like top shelf scotch or holiday chocolate.
Because while he is such an integral part of my story, I am nothing more than a footnote in his. A face to be named in an old yearbook or prom picture at best.
Ouch.
There it is.
The pain that cuts the deepest.
The thing you can spend a lifetime trying to avoid, and find yourself leveled by it anyway. The knowledge that you cared more. That you were the needy one. That you were the one who loved more, who held on more, who remembers the details that are insignificant.
That you were forgettable.
Forgotten.
That the words “Always. And Forever.” said in exactly that way don’t hold a deeper meaning for anyone else. That the John Michael Montgomery music that stops you in your tracks is just an old country song for everyone else. That all the inside secrets and jokes and pet names and symbols that you remember as clearly as the day they meant everything to you – are completely forgotten by the person you shared them with.
The realization that if someone wanted to find you, to contact you, they could. Because you are nothing if not easy to find.
The knowledge that he’s never once asked about you when he’s crossed paths with your friends and family.
That the more you remember, the more ridiculous you look.
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Posted in Love and Marriage, Personal - Growth and Things I'm Trying To Learn Tagged: ex boyfriends, facebook, first heartbreak, first love, love, memories, men
I would guess that he still remembers it very fondly but doesn’t let himself think about a love lost. Nobody could ever forget you.
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I’m always extremely hurt when old friends don’t remember me or ask about me….I can’t imagine how that would feel were it the love of my life.
Lots of love, honey.
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Oh my sweetness.
Ouch. You are not forgettable and he has not forgotten. How could he? You do not etch yourself onto someone’s heart the way has on yours and not have the same person etch themselves into your own heart.
Some people are better at hiding it, better at moving on and only visiting those moments in hidden shadows of time. The darkness of the shower, the closet, the brief alone moments in the car.
You are not alone. If nothing else, know this.
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Maybe yours is the name he can’t bear to speak for fear it will give him away …
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My thoughts are that you are so easy to find, he already found you.
He doesn’t need to ask about you. He can keep up with you here.
He read this post, and is wondering if he is the one. He is hoping that he is.
And he is smiling as he walks down memory lane. No tears. That is not manly.
And he wonders why he let you get away.
Peace and love to you.
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I swear I could have written that post myself. Just make the age 15/16, all down to the JMM songs.
Only thing is I found hi on myspace looking through our high school list – contacted him and chatted a few times. I see now he still looks at me like some dumb high school girl. I try to remind myself that it’s not a loss because of things that happened. But he was my first in so many ways, it’s hard to forget.
Oh & old friends haven’t found me either. lol Though it’s a bit harder when I got married no one probably knows my married name. Oh well…probably for the best.
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Um. Britt. You forgotten. Not on your life! I 100% agree with Adam. So much so that I’m going to totally steal his line…
“I would guess that he still remembers it very fondly but doesn’t let himself think about a love lost. Nobody could ever forget you.”
Yes Britt, he does remember. How can he not? NEVER sell yourself short- EVER! you are totally 100% unforgettable!
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I’m agreeing with Avitable. (Which disturbs me deeply.)
But this time, he’s right.
You are not pathetic. Far from it friend.
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Look, I’m old as dirt and have been with my husband for 34 years.
I only had 2 boyfriends before him and to this day I remember exactly how and why they both broke off a little piece of my heart.
17 is young. Just because he hasn’t looked for you doesn’t mean he has forgotten you. Every experience, good AND bad shapes who we become.
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I just walked by an old ‘best friend’ the other day at work and she stared at me for a moment and walked away. Not a word about anything, I couldn’t believe that she didn’t say anything at all.
But I agree with Avitable, you are not a person that is easily forgotten.
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Someday, when you have 5 minutes, I really need to talk to you more about this. Not in a comment box.
Let’s just say this: Yeah. YEAH.
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I so understand where you’re coming from with this. And it breaks my heart that you are feeling this way because you are so not forgettable.
It’s funny how events that happen 10-15 years ago still have an ability to shape and affect our lives….it always winds-up being for the better, but sometimes we have to feel some pain in order to realize it.
Then again, you did marry an Abercrombie model, damnit. To me, he can’t compete anymore. ::wink::
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Is it better to be secretly still in contact with the love of your life?
That would be me. And we BOTH have spouses and families. That’s worse…. trust me.
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I think we all have one of those. I look for mine occasionally on Facebook and MySpace…He still lives in my hometown with his wife and kids…and I still look for him. Doesn’t matter where you go, who you marry, how much time passes, you’ll always have that first love.
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It’s hard to imagine that anyone could forget someone who loved them that much, even if, and I simply take your word for it, if they didn’t love that person back to the same degree. And just because he doesn’t ask, doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t wonder… or care.
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I felt that way about someone as well and finally reached out to him.
Now he is INSIGNIFICANT. He turned out to be someone I didn’t know. He is different – as am I – and I would have been unhappy with him.
It still took weeks to let him go again, but now I don’t think about him every minute. I don’t wonder what could have been.
I am free of him.
You, my dear, are NOT forgettable.
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sorry dear, but you’re not forgettable. and i think it’s a strong assumption to think he doesn’t think of you — maybe he knows the dangers involved in trying to reach you. i mean, YOU do, right?
hooooooooooo boy.
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There’s someone in everyone’s life that brings out the feelings that you’re talking about. There’s someone in my life that brings out those feelings.
You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not forgettable.
xo
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Odd that you would post such a thing today. Are you in my head!? Seriously!?
Because all those things that are so important to me about “him”, he’s still carrying them too. I know how you feel about “him” and honestly, I know that you are right, but the fact that HE too still thinks about all those little mundane things that happened when we were just 16 and 17………..
I think I would feel better if I knew he didn’t think of all those things. He’s recently brought up things from when we were young that I had completely forgotten about!
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Here’s the thing: it’s YOUR life story, not his. You are the lead character, and all others are actors in the play. The fact that he is a significant (albeit ultimately secondary) character in your story while you (theoretically – I don’t necessarily believe this, but since I cannot prove my contrary idea I will accept yours) occupy a lesser role in his is irrelevant.
That’s the “I’m OK, you’re OK” portion of the comment.
The reality is, sometimes people forget people. Sometimes they forget them because the part they played in one’s life is insignificant (like the guy in freshman homeroom who pulled your hair). Sometimes they forget them because they have to, or want to. Regardless of the reason, it hurts to be forgotten.
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I agree that he has not forgotten you. I think, too, that it is a part of his past that maybe he has trouble thinking about.
Hugs!
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You can’t possibly know for certain what he thinks about, in the deep recesses of his mind, in those moments when it’s just him.
There is always That One, the person from your past that stays vivid in your memories. It’s okay to still have those feelings associated with them because, well, sometimes they just never go away. (Especially love at the age. Been there, done that.)
Being forgotten sucks and it’s a continuous cycle as friends come and go, but, on the other hand, there’s probably someone out there who may feel that you have forgotten them.
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This was actually painful to read. You made it so real for everyone, everywhere.
Hallie
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I can relate to you on SO MANY LEVELS of this post, it’s really scary.
What’s worse though? when you do actually TRY to connect with them, and you are shot down/ignored. That is like pouring rock salt on those deep, already pain-filled wounds.
Trust me.
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I’m positive that you have not been “forgotten”. Even though he may not ask about you, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t think about you. It does suck though, when you allow yourself to get caught up in the “well maybe”. Because then you start to doubt yourself, and you should NEVER let yourself travel down that path. I am speaking from experience on this one, Britt. You are a good person…too good for him.
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You are not alone. Many have been left and scarred forever by Black Hockey Jesus.
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This story is my own. I finally came to terms with my lost love at 32 and then realized it was for the best, not my path to take. I am much happier with this path, with someone I love unconditionally who loves me back unconditionally. My “lost love” did friend request me on facebook and I did add him but I have no feelings for him other than happiness that his life turned out so well.
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avitable: um, have you seen how I am around men? Really? Come on, you know there has got to be some heinous shit in his memory.
Hilly: thank you, babe. Thank you.
Rachel: actually, the not being alone on it actually does make me feel less pathetic. Thank you.
Melissa: *sigh* that sounds so impossibly romantic!
Eva J. Mah: well that sounds much nicer than my version.
Except, he would know he was the one. I was married at 19. There hasn’t been room for a whole lot of other options in the timeline.
Kelly: “I try to remind myself that it’s not a loss because of things that happened.” OH I SO DO THAT!! And my husband, who knows the story, cannot for the life of him fathom why I don’t just LOATHE this guy.
Janelle: well, to be fair, I probably wasn’t neeeaaarrrly this fabulous at 17.
Redneck Mommy: I know this is dumb, but that’s actually really soothing to “hear”.
Little Miss Sunshine State: I’m going to share that story with Jared. Thanks.
Sarah: woah. That would suck. Having to come face to face with it – um, yeah. Wouldn’t cope well with that.
Mr Lady: I believe you have mail.
Robin: something about you always perks me up. I think it’s the way you always refer to my husband as an Abercrombie model. LOL
Blondefabulous: I know someone who has been through that, and you’re right. In the end it was far, far worse for her. It’s like a drug. It feels better at the time, but it’s worse when you no longer have it.
The Bug: do you know some people don’t? My husband swears he doesn’t. Or rather, that I’m his.
I remember when he told me he loved me, and said it was the first time he’d ever felt that way. MAN that was rough – because he KNEW that my story was different than his.
Faiqa: there was a time when I would have sworn he loved me to the same degree. Possibly more.
But I don’t think that’s possible if you can walk away so easily. Move on so easily.
Whew. Man. I’m just dredging up alll kinds of unresolved issues for myself today.
marni: “free of him” – that sounds heavenly.
Crys: *lalalalalalalala* I’m not listening! *lalalalalalalala*
Dawn: thanks, love.
Kristin: yeahhhhhh, I think your situation is worse. You’re right. (HUGS)
SciFi: are you always so damn practical?
Sandi: I think he has had a lot more to his past than I have.
steen: now I’m wondering if I’ve forgotten anyone – anyone who would care, I mean. You know? Hmmmmmmm….
Hallie: I kind of feel like I should apologize for that.
Cissa Fireheart: oh ouch, ouch, ouch. Couldn’t bear.
becky: yeah, sometimes the brain is a sucky place to hang out.
Black Hockey Jesus: it just occurred to me how anonymous you are. Do you know how much I would shit my pants if I actually knew you?
Although, your kids are too old for that to be possible….
LOL
Poppy: it’s not even that I’m unhapy with my current path – which is what’s odd. It’s not like I’m pining for him, it’s just that there is still so much THERE.
Sister obviously needs some closure. LOL
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Many people have those great lost loves, real, embellished or imaginary, in their past. If you don’t, you haven’t lived.
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Seriously? I guess some people get lucky enough to stay with “that person” and your husband is one of the lucky few.
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Not to encourage any further self-flagellation… but do you really know for sure that he doesn’t think of you? I’d bet he does.
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I get all of your feelings about this guy. I know how you feel. Really I do.
But, you are saying, your ex is a Facebook friend. Right. Because I found him first. Because we have mutual friends on Facebook. Trust me when I tell you he did not go looking for me. And if he did he wouldn’t have let me know about it.
He knows he devastated you. He doesn’t know if he’s welcome (unless he read this). He doesn’t want to bring up the hurt he caused. He wants you to be happy and knows that means he needs to stay away. He most certainly has NOT forgotten you. I can say this with certainty because in my relationship I was the one who devastated him. And after I found him I stayed away for those very same reasons. But there is no way in hell I could ever have forgotten him.
You’re a part of him just as surely as he’s a part of you. xo
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I’ve got a couple of old girlfriends I still remember, and one in particular. We broke up for a number of reasons, but the biggest was that I was an ass. I’m curious about how she is doing, but I don’t think it would be appropriate to look her up.
Doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten.
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Ooh – sorry to dredge up such painful feelings for you…
You can’t be fully sure he doesn’t think of you. Sometimes its relationships like the one you describe that are best left unkindled – if he’s married and you’re married, well, what’s the point in reconnecting? If he *did* find you on facebook, well, what, you’ll send each other a couple of snowballs or whatever and then…what?
Its good to always have those memories, but trust me, they’re probably sweeter the way you remember them…
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Unforgettable, that’s what you are…
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It’s not pathetic. Or ridiculous. That was a profound part of your life.
Here is a little podcast you may want to listen to on the subject.
http://www.onpointradio.org/shows/2008/10/past-loves/
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I think that perhaps your guardian angel was looking out for you. Imagine if the relationship didn’t end and someone so thoughtless had been the father of your children. That would be a nightmare. To promise to love you forever and then to not even remember is the characteristics of a cad. You are lucky to be free of him, you deserve someone who really does love you with their whole heart and is not just saying the words to get something from you.
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I absolutely hate to admit that I feel 100% the same way about a certian someone from my past. I’m married now, and (disclaimer) LOVE my husband, but still have unresolved feelings about a man whom I loved very much. It’s confusing at times, hurtful, and I don’t fully understand why his footprint on my heart is much more prominent than others. Sometimes I am able to turn everything off, and his memory gets forgotten and fades away for a while. Then sometimes out of seemingly nowhere, it all comes back, by way of a song, movie, or a single word.
To add to my inner turmoil, I have been in touch with him since. And you know what? He’s fine. 100% totally fine. Happy, content. No confusion. He’s dated, had a child with a woman he is no longer involved with. Even sent me the link to his online baby photo album a while back. I don’t speak to him much, because even while I am not forgotten by him as a person, I am forgotten in love. I’m sure his heart doesn’t ache everytime My Big Fat Greek Wedding comes on cable, and that he doesn’t have to make a mad dash for the remote in an effort to keep the feelings from rising.
What if. I hate those 2 words together.
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Oh, hon. I feel the same way about so many of my old friends and about my two ex-boyfriends. One of said ex-boyfriends turned out to be prick who I gave up my life for. And it drives me nuts that he doesn’t care. And yet if he showed up on my doorstep, I’d probably slam the door in his face. I can’t figure the emotions out.
I’m with you, hon.
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All I can say is- ME TOO! And I’m not even sure I wish it to be any other way.
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Britt – I could write a book about this very subject. Believe me. I usually keep these pieces hidden away though bc it’s still hard to admit to even my husband.
I know I promised to come here and throw down loads of love and support but damn, this is not what I was expecting and hit me in the solar plexus. I’ve been trying to shove “those” feelings back into their pit since this morning.
But hey – here to giving you loads of love and support even if I don’t know what to say!
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I’ve always had a theory that it’s not necessarily the person we miss, but that time in our lives.
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You’re right, the brain is a very dangerous place to hang out. Especially when it comes to matters like this. As you can tell from all the responses, you aren’t the only one dealing with feelings like this. Its funny how one post can knock the wind right out of you. I only hope that you can escape the thoughts that swirling around your head long enough to clear them out…and I am going to try to do the same.
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It’s easier to think that he’s not thinking about you and that you never mattered than to think that he does think about you because then you must face the what ifs and what could have beens and that, my dear, is a most dangerous place to dwell in life, for there are no answers. Ever.
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Oh honey you are not alone in your dilemma. I too have an old flame who holds my heart in his hands. Only he lives close and I see him often and we remain close friends. When we are together the months or years since we talked last just melt away and we are like we once were, you know, without the groping and smooching. I don’t know if my situation is harder or easier than yours.
However you are not forgettable! As I try to remember I am not forgettable. We are just a page turned in a memory book for them. Women just tend to turn back the pages more often than men I think.
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It’s not pathetic, it’s real. It’s honest, and I think many other women feel the same way.
The thing is, men can’t admit that they still think of their high school sweethearts, they can’t go there…because it’s not what they do.
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wow. That was a very well written post. I do, from time to time, think of those in the past that had a hand in who I am today. I married the one who I FIRST gave my heart to (after some years of wandering) and still feel a flutter……
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wish i could take some of the hurt from you, dear britt. i don’t feel this way about my great loves. yes, plural. loving passionaltey and deeply and with every once of your being can happen more than once. but something in my brain doesn’t register the great “what if” and longing that you describe. i think it is because i honestly feel we ended for very strong, smart reasons. at the time i was devastated, but now? nope. just thankful i had the passionate love in the first place. and even more thankful that i didn’t marry young love!
i want to point out that, as much as i am not a gambling kinda girl, i am willing to put money down that he still thinks of you. those songs still get to him. don’t ever think they don’t.
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I would like to tell you that I know what you mean. My greatest fear is to be forgotten… by anyone.
However I just can’t muster that sense of emo camaraderie with you today.
Probably because I didn’t get 142 comments from the most important people in the world telling me how PRETTY I was.
Really. He’s not even worth 5 of those comments.
It’s all about us… right?
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I can virtually guarantee that even if he doesn’t think of you, there’s someone you were once so important to that thoughts of you stir up the same emotions in them. It’s possible you’ve totally forgotten about them. Not that it makes it easier to think about your ex, but I’m positive that you are unforgettable to many, many people and there’s at least one who still has some part of their heart on a shelf with your name on it.
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I love that this post is so real and honest. I have found myself feeling the same way.
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I think about one of my exs a lot and realized that no matter what I do, I got a hell of a better deal than being with him. But it took me a few years to get to that point. I have a hubby that isn’t threatened by a strong woman or one that has a career. And last time I saw him, he got fat. But its interesting to think what my life would have been if I did have his 8 kids.
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Oh Britt…sometimes I think you live in my head. I went throught the SAME thing…but then a mutual friend found both of us, got us all in an email loop, and then we all ended up getting together for dinner and drinks. And you know what? All those nights of dreaming and wondering and remembering his touch ended up with me saying, “WTF? Did I actually love this guy?”
I’ll be he has found you, and is admiring you from afar. How could he not?
Hugs, Britters.
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That should read, “I’ll BET that he has found you.”
Hiccup.
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Boy am I with you. I can still say that I’ve never loved anyone like I did “the one” -wife included. Fortunately we still talk often. Unfortunately, it still tugs at my heart when we do.
Interestingly, I’m happily married with 2 great kids. She’s been through a series of dead-end relationships and is still single and somewhat miserable over it. My pain of losing her at 19 years old has been repaid tenfold by 32.
Here’s an odd thought though. How different would it be if you had married “the one” and then divorced? Somewhat the same but a different legality/promise attached. Would he still be “the one” after that? Hmmmmmmm.
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This is the stuff of Jane Austen, my darling Miss Britt…
Now open a new document and write. Your masterful weaving of the comedic with the ironic is in you. Each person, each pain, each pet name is significant to finishing. The process is magnificently cathartic, and you’ll be left cleansed… and probably very wealthy when your work is purchased for a screenplay. Then you get to tell this guy that your main character isn’t him at all…
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I could have written this exact post, from my heart. I feel your pain.
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always home and uncool: agreed. It is the stuff that living is made of.
The Bug: he is kind of a lucky bastard. Although, he also has to deal with being married to ME – so there’s that.
Izzy: I guess I don’t for sure, but I think I have to come to terms with the likeliness of it, given what’s happened in his life since me and his complete lack of any attempt to contact me. Ever.
Finn: thanks love. It’s nice to think that anyway, even if we never know for sure.
Sevesteen: that’s reassuring to some degree.
Colleen – Mommy Always Wins: yeah, that’s true. Nostalgia does tend to pretty up reality quite nicely.
LeSombre: and forever more, that’s how you’ll stay…….
Becky..Absent Minded Housewife: thanks!
Marsha: I absolutely know that it is better we didn’t end up together.
Anon: you actually captured all of the subtelties – including my own love for my husband – perfectly. I guess, at least, we’re not alone.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: Ok that is SERIOUSLY comforting because I KNOW how much you adore Ty, and how perfect you guys are together. I think I’ll use that as a reference point next time it comes up between Jared and I.
Erin: would I wish it to be any other way? Hmmm… now I’m wondering. Interesting point.
Sheila (Charm School Reject): that’s the best kind of love and support. xo
twinkie: that is so entirely possible.
becky: yeah, I will. It comes and goes sometimes unexpectedly. This was a moment it came, I guess.
J…: I suppose that’s true. I decided long ago, for reasons having nothing to do with love, that the land of what ifs was not the place for me.
fogspinner: “Women just tend to turn back the pages more often than men I think.” You know, that would explain my husband’s apathy towards his own ex-girlfriends also.
Fantastagirl: sometimes I wonder how one species can be so completely and totally different.
vodkamom: thank you. You know, it’s funny how that works because I thought it was total crap when I published it. I’ve reread it several times now and STILL don’t feel like it’s any good. So odd.
hello haha narf: ah baby, this kind of hurt is a part of life. It’s not unbearable. It just is. It’s one of those emotions that tempers us.
But this is definitely not a “what if”. At all. I have two children and a husband. He also has a child. What if would mean they didn’t exist. That’s inconceivable to me.
I don’t wish we stayed together. I just hate the idea of being forgotten, I guess. It makes me think I’m crazy for having cared – for still caring – so much.
NYCWD: well aren’t YOU a grumpy fucker this morning?
Missives From Suburbia: I’ve been thinking about this comment since I first read it yesterday. That might be an entirely different post.
Melissa: thanks for appreciating the “real and honest”. It’s nice to get that kind of feedback sometimes.
Jennifer A: oh no. No way. God that reminds me about the other memories – the insecurities and the jealousy and – no freaking way. Jared’s personality, in MOST ways, is perfectly suited to be married to me.
Stephanie: off topic – only two people in the world call me Britter. So that made me smile.
rebturtle: that is interesting. Hmm. I’m scratching my head on that one.
Sharon – Mom Generations: I wonder if I could pull it off. Hmmmm….
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Sherendipity: Oops! Didn’t mean to forget you.
There’s some kind of bizarre comfort in knowing other people feel the same way we do. Even though we know that means they hurt.
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I am catching up on my blog reading and just read this today (friday) and actually shed a tear because this hit so close to home. I share the same story, almost exact to the last detail. Dam.
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Oh I have one of those and when I tried to find HIM on Facebook I could only find an old friend of HIS, then I noticed that that friend had a bunch of friends with HIS unusual last name and after a moment I realized they were noted as being in high school themselves.
Then from a distant corner of my mind I remembered a rumor that reached me a college about HIM and the old friend’s sister…
The math and the old grapevine made me realize those “friends” where HIS children. And then I felt kind of stupid.
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Jesus. I could have written this myself. I feel ya. I really feel ya. Despite the husband and the 2 kids … man, it’s a tough cookie.
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there is a special place in heaven for Jared.
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Wow, Kris…God forbid that people who are married ever reminisce. While we’re at it, married people who freely admit to how they feel about their marriage on other things should be totally shot too.
Fucking honesty. Who needs it?
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Wow, I really don’t know what to say, other then you definitely AREN’T forgettable
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well, I’ve just been made aware that I am forgotten and uninvited.. by friends, people I thought were really good friends.. and now chose to forget me hardly 3 months after I was (unwillingly) relocated at work?! damn! I though I meant more to them.. than to just cut me off and not invite me to the very event I used to plan for them.. and knowing how much it meant to me? the fact that it was one of the very few times I could see them at all?! fuck! I thought I meant more to them than this crap! so I’m trying hard not to think about it too much.. it’ll hurt too much. sorry to dump on you -all-, but I’m also grateful I can vent here.. and that I found your blog Britt =) your posts really let us relate.. evidently =S
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Hi Britt.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and never posted before but this post has struck a chord with me as it seems to have done with many others.
There are three men in my past who the very thought of whom provkes very strong emotional responses in me. One my highschool beau who I shared such a simple and beautiful love with… I don’t know where he is or what has happened in his life and I try to tell myself that I like to remember him the way we were. The second, a man from my 20s who I loved so deeply but it was never quite reciprocated as it should have been… I haven’t spoken to him in four years (his wife forced him to discontinue our friendship as she was distrustful of over past) and I literally cry when ever I wonder how he is. The third lover is a man I’ve managed to remain friends with… but everytime I see him and his with his wife and child it feels like someone has kicked me in the guts.
We are the sum total of all our parts. Our experiences make us what we are today and your youthful experiences both painful and joyous have combined to make you who you are.
I applaud your candour and your honesty in recognizing and admitting out loud that these past hurts and past loves still have the capacity to move us.
RMB
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Facebook has opened up a whole can of worms, hasn’t it? God, the angst and the passion of teenagers…
You’re certainly not forgettable; but honestly it’s a blessing in disguise.
I was contacted by my ex through FB (the high school sweetheart I thought I would marry, who broke my heart, who I thought I would never get over, who then wanted me back, but I’d moved on…); he’s married now and we have mutual friends on FB. And initially the e:mails were nice, just catching up on what family was up to, siblings etc. But then it started getting weird (him commenting in a rather overly complimentary fashion on my looks, remember he’s married, then my kids, then sending me messages at times when he should have been spending with his family)… ugh. So I just ignored his FB friend request. I thought it was best.
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