While talking about your child’s poop has become acceptable and expected practice online, discussing the personal details of your marriage still seems to be considered rather “radical”.
Especially when you’re not anonymous.
From the moment I hit publish on a post like Friday’s, I brace myself for the inevitable “what the hell were you thinking?!?!” from friends and strangers alike.
I’ve heard it enough times to recognize it in the “have you lost your mind?” emails and the “I don’t think the Internet is the best place for this” comments. And still… I write it. I edit it. I post it.
And then I wake up the next morning and open my email and see the comments, from friends and strangers alike, on the state of my relationship with my husband. I read the empathetic and the encouraging messages. I skim through the advice and the admonishments.
After about 10 comments I ask myself, “what the hell were you thinking?”
Marriage is a sacred thing. A relationship more private and personal even than parenting. So why hold it out for public consumption?
I sure as hell don’t do it for the advice.
Or as we bloggers like to call it, Internet Assvice. That’s not a slam on anyone who has ever tried to offer a helpful suggestion via blog comments (raising my hand on that one! all the time! I’m like the fucking Dear Abby of the Internet comment sections!) But it’s the truth. The chances of anyone’s assessment of your personal life being completely accurate because they read your blog are about the same as receiving the Secret Of Life from the Magic 8 Ball.
That being said, I’ve learned a lot from comments on this blog. And I’ve definitely been poked and prodded into new directions from the varying perspectives offered here. But even still – I never blog about my personal life because I’m waiting for the Internet to solve my problems
So, why then? Why bother? Why spill the details here?
A few reasons.
When I can’t think, I write.
Having to pull the thoughts out of the tangled underbrush and lay them out, each one, side by side in words and sentences creates order from the chaos. It forces me to think in terms of the tangible and the real instead of wallowing in the rawness of colors and feelings.
Of course, not everything that was written was meant to be read. Was it?
Maybe not. I used to write in a journal when I was a teenager, and I poured out my heart about the wrongs of the world. I was the star and the damsel and the victim in every page, and I knew that no one would ever challenge that assertion as long as my words remained safe from scrutiny.
Writing to be read forces me to be accountable, for my words as well as my ideas, beliefs and actions.
Because of that accountability, there are limits to what can be written. I will never post anything that I wouldn’t say “out loud”. I will never attack someone here who can’t defend themselves. And I will never, ever say anything to The Internet that I wouldn’t and haven’t said to my husband.
I might say it more clearly here, but the concepts themselves do not make their debut online.
(OK, that’s less of an explanation for why I blog about my marriage and more of a DEFENSIVE REACTION. Heh. ANYway – am. not. retard. Moving on.)
There’s another part of this equation for me, another reason why I detail the roller coaster that is married life here. And it is probably the most egotistical reason of all.
I do it because I think I was meant to.
I am a sharer. Some people sing and some people dance. Some people do miraculous research that cures cancer and slows beach erosion. I? Share.
I do it without thinking of the consequences or potential for humiliation. It seems I was wired together without those protective measures in place. I also seem to be missing a filter and something called shame. Naivety is A RARE GIFT, PEOPLE!
ANYway, it took me a long time to realize that not everyone was made this way. It took me even longer to realize that that did not necessarily mean I was some mutated freak. And it was longer still before I began to see that maybe I was made this way for a reason.
People seem to need sharers.
I know I do. I seek them out and cling to them to be reminded that I am not the first to find myself Right Here, wherever that may be Right Now. They can’t walk my path for me, but I’m grateful for the light they can shed on the next few steps I have to take.
About a month ago, I said that I couldn’t make a difference. I was lost and shaken by the notion that I was useless in the world.
The night I wrote that post, a friend of mine called and asked how I handled internet hate. I laughed at first and asked her why in the hell she would look to me for guidance on anything that involved “handling” and not “publicly falling apart”. Her response surprised me.
“I know you’ve been through it, and I’ve seen how you’ve handled it.”
Over an hour later, just before she hung up the phone, she said something that will stick with me forever. “Thank you. That’s exactly what I needed. What you said made perfect sense. You made everything clear for me.”
I knew, in that moment, that in some small way I had made a difference for her. I had helped her in a way that no one else had been able to. And not because I was wiser or smarter or more talented than anyone else she could have asked.
I had helped simply because I had been there before. And she knew because I had told her. She knew because I had shared, never thinking that anyone else would ever find my own struggle helpful in any way.
And that’s why I talk about my marriage in front of the Internet.
Because not everyone can. And somebody needs to.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Posted in Blogging and Bloggers - Tips, Contests and Stuff for Bloggers, Love and Marriage Tagged: blogging, blogging about family, blogging about marriage, internet privacy, marriage, personal life, privacy, public blogging, relationships
Now if only you’d talk about your boobs more.
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:heartbeat:
i am thankful that i found your blog.
truly thankful for you.
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Don’t diss the 8-ball, Lady.
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Um, AMEN. Thank you. That was a really well-written summation of the very same thoughts that cross my mind. When I read about the nasties in people’s lives that they’re sharing on the internet, at first I cringe because I think, “I shouldn’t be reading this! This isn’t for my eyes!” And then, I get absorbed in it. I can relate. And by the end of the post, I am so thankful for a glimpse into someone else’s struggles. I feel less alone and a little wiser from a different perspective. The world needs givers and takers, sharers and collectors. Thank you for your contribution to the blogosphere. I feel so much better knowing you’re out there- I know I’m not alone. And I hope you know that you’re not, either.
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I don’t like to get advice on things I haven’t done before, simply because I wouldn’t how I’d handle it so who am I to say, oh you need to do this and this and that or that.
I like getting advice when I ask for it because like you said it can point you in a direction you hadn’t thought of before and that’s awesome.
But a lot of it can be unwarranted advice and advice that is completely wrong for you and your family.
But yea, I will never be that person to be all dude you shouldn’t have done that and you need to do this because it’s better. Because ‘this’ is never better, it’s just different.
And besides you being a sharer is awesome. I’ve learned a lot from your sharing, things that will help me when I’m older and things that will help me now. So you are right, you were meant to share.
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Oi, that was long now wasn’t it?
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My life in black and white (written) is so very different than my life in technicolor (living it). To see it in black and white gives it a perspective the technicolor never can. When I put some of the things in my life in black and white I suddenly realize that I there is so much more for me to be grateful for than I realized. So much that I might not have really noticed had I not put it there in black and white. Many people don’t have the ability to use black and white, therefore, those of us to who do are not cursed, but blessed.
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What you said makes sense, and it was nice of you to post your thoughts about this. I am a sharer as well. I wrote 100’s of posts about my wifes death on a forum I’d belonged to for years. It was cathartic for me, as it helped me process what was happening. I drew strength from the process, so I have some appreciation for the process it represents for you.
I’d like you to consider the fact that you have an impact upon others, that a “community” has gathered here around you because you are willing to share. I’m sure just a small portion of your readership responds in writing, but I believe that your sharing gives others permission to think about the issue, recognize they are not alone, and perhaps make decisions they might not otherwise have been willing to make.
So I thank you for your willingness to share.
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I love this post. Plus, it is applicative to more topics than marriage.
Many topics that are written about by some on the internet are deeply, DEEPLY personal.
I kept thinking about the death of my son and how I feel on the occasions that I write posts. Many don’t understand why I put something so…personal out there.
This captured so many of my feelings and I really needed to read it today.
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I love you so much
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I admit that I cringed a bit when I read your post on Friday because I tend to stay away from the extremely personal bits on my blog, but then its YOUR blog after all. Not mine.
“When I can’t think, I write.”
What a wonderful sentence.
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The reason why your blog is so good is because you lay it all out there and now you give us a glimpse of the cost of that. I admire you and wish I had the balls to not censor myself so much.
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I think you’re courageous to share all that you do about your marriage here. I often question myself, and I am not visible. No friends, family, lovers or husbands read my blog. Doing what you do takes guts honey! Keep sharing, because we do need it, we crave it.
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Fair enough – it’s good to share. Whilst lurking quietly I wondered (idly for about 2 nanoseconds) whether you were posting it so he could read it. I’ve done that before… posted something I was really mad about both to get it straight in my head but also on the offchance that the person I ranted about might read it and change.
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Trying to think of a comment that won’t come across sounding like advice…
Still thinking…
“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”
There. That’s good.
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i’m happy you wrote the post friday, it’s why i like your blog so much. It’s honest, true to real life, and it’s always re-affirming to read that. So not that you need to hear it, but don’t change!
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I don’t get that detailed about my emotional life because I don’t have one. I do sometimes cringe when I read you opening your veins and all, but only because I wouldn’t want my friends being stomped on by cynical passers-by. Other than that I guess I’m old school enough to still think some things are none of anybody else’s business.
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Good for you!
And for me…
:heartbeat:
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Did I mention that you handle things with grace as well?
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I think you do very well. Most awesomely well! Someone has to share and it may as well be you, Lord knows I don’t want to hear about my marriage! :crazy:
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That’s exactly what I meant when I said you make the world less lonely.
I can’t imagine a world where everyone was like me and thought they had to suck it up and pretend to be happy in public even though they were feeling like they were falling apart.
When I read something as “real” as your blog, I feel less crazy, less mean, less alone *and* like a generally better person. You’re building up a lot of good karma, hon.
On a side note, I didn’t offer any advice. I’m such a kiss ass.
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:heartbeat:
You also seem to write from the heart, and the world can always use a whole lot more of that! (Or, at least, I can!)
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I too am a sharer and i wear my heart on my sleeve. I think It’s nearly impossible for me to just keep things hidden away, I just put them out there.
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I totally agree. I do the same thing. When I need to sort something out, I write it out. Sometimes I delete or save to read myself later, but I have the same rules for posting. If it isn’t something I would say outloud, or if it isn’t something he already knows, I won’t post it. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) there is very little I won’t tell people if it is true and real to me. People often send me emails saying my thoughts helped them sort things out, so I guess it is worth the nasty emails to get the good ones like that, right?
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Funny, I love your lack of filter but sometimes my lack of filter embarasses me.
I’m behind in my reading, so I just checked out your post from Friday. Wow, so many of us moms who can totally relate.
No assvice here. I hope you find your happy medium Britt. ~*
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avitable: there really isn’t much to say in that department. LOL
hello haha narf: and I am so thankful you found me too.
Mike: I’m not dissin’! 50/50 odds aren’t bad for a plastic ball full of colored ooze!
nik: I’m not alone – sharers need collectors, so I’m really grateful for this space too.
Sarah: I am a pathological advice giver. I know it’s not wise and it’s pushy – but I just can’t help myself. I’m a fixer!!
Winter: I love that – that black and white makes technicolor clearer. Love it.
eggy: “I believe that your sharing gives others permission to think about the issue, recognize they are not alone, and perhaps make decisions they might not otherwise have been willing to make.”
That would be a really awesome, amazing, humbling thing to a part of.
Loralee: what you’ve written about your son has changed me as a parent.
What you wrote about Her changed me as a person.
Britt’s Mom: love you too.
B.E. Earl: and that’s OK, I don’t take it personally anymore when people cringe. I know it’s just because we’re different and have different comfort levels. Neither is right or wrong or better – it’s just different.
Blue Streak: ah don’t wish for that – it’s not even about balls. Really. It’s more about being oblivious to possible consequences. LOL
kateanon: that’s sweet – I think courageous is giving me a bit too much credit, but thank you anyway. It’s still nice.
topchamp: LOL, that’s a fair assumption.
In reality, Jared rarely reads here and I never know when he will. Sometimes I will specifically have him read a post to give him a better understanding of where my head is at on something if I’m having troubles communicating it otherwise.
But other than that? This would SOOO not be a reliable medium for communicating with him. Passively or otherwise.
SciFi Dad: Oh no! But I love your advice!!!
kim: thanks
RW: I don’t think that’s Old School.
I think A LOT of people still believe that some things are none of anyone’s business. Hell, even *I* think that, my list is just shorter than most. Heh.
And there is a place for that too. It’s important to have people teach boundaries.
Dawn:
:heartbeat:
Lisa: hahahahahaha, ummmm – probably not. If you did, I would have probably written down, climbed up to a mountain top and said SOMEONE SAID I HAVE GRACE! HA! FUCK YOU PEOPLE! GRACE!
But… thanks. :blush:
Blondefabulous: LOL, well then I’m glad you don’t have to.
Faiqa: and by the same token, can you IMAGINE a world full of me’s?
OMG we’d be a giant hippy commune.
Sybil Law: I feel like we should be singing “what the world… needs now… is love… sweet love…” LOL
Robin: yep, exactly. And that is an awesome, awesome thing you give to people.
radioactivegirltori: I’m not sure if it’s fortunate or unfortuante either. The vote is still split on that in my life too. LOL
And yes – those emails outweigh the nasties.
Marney: the moment someone else points out my lack of filter to me, I am mortified.
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Yeah, we could sing that, but I’d rather sing some Prince, or Van Halen, or just about anything else! ‘Cause that song is vomit inducing – best reserved for drunken Halloween karaoke parties. :rock: :lmao:
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That’s exactly what I love most about your blog. You say the things I can’t. I live vicariously.
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First time commenting but I have to say “this is your blog”. You can say whatever you want to say here. Have you thought about turning the comments off, every so often?
Whether people agree with you or not, again, your blog. People and their blogs are their place to vent, write what’s in their heart, etc.
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Sharers are essential because they let the rest of us know that we’re not alone. And not entirely crazy.
Plus? Sometimes they give us things to blog about. :cheese:
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You blog about your personal life “because you can.” It feels good to write it, see it in print, and then sit back and wait to hear what others have to say. Nothing wrong with doing what feels right to you!
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My main goal in life is to find someone I can live in sin with, so somebody’s got to blog about real marriage.
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Without sharers the world would be a desolate place. :hug:
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This is a thought provoking post… not so much because of what it is about… but because it brings the concept of destiny and life vocations to the tool of blogging.
Interesting thought…
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I think your friend is right. Sometimes it just helps to know that someone has been through something similar to what you are experiencing and to see that they have survived it. That itself helps. Whatever your reasons are for sharing are your reasons. To hell what anyone else thinks about it. I’m happy that I found your blog :hug:
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You had asked in your Friday’s post (in response to my comment)”was it worth it?”. Yes and no. I was much happier, and free to be ME, and since I had taken care of the kids and the house all the time anyway, it really didn’t seem to change anything at all. But honestly? I’m happily (most of the time) re-married, but for some unknown reason to me, there are times I think about him and miss him. Then I have to remember the reasons why I left, and I’m okay.
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You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, and I sure as heck don’t have any good advice (not that you want it!) or know the whole story about your marriage. But I love reading your blog and I love that you share. It does help. So thanks.
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I blog about my marriage because I am afraid that I will lose perspective.. and start to believe that this is normal and to be expected.
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If you ever get the opportunity, you should read “Two-Part Invention”
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I think this (the Internet) is a lot like what happens at work or with your other girlfriends. We talk about the struggles in our lives and we vent and we commiserate and it usually feels better and gives us different points of view and we don’t feel alone.
You only have Adam at work, so it’s logical that you would do your venting here. Kidding Adam. Love you!
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i need sharers
bring it on, woman!
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Sybil Law: noted.
maggie, dammit: pffffffffffffft. Says the woman with freaking DIAMONDS for words.
teri: um, yeah, I know that.
I’ve turned off the comments on this blog one time that I remember. I don’t think it’s fair to spit it out here and then say “sorry, you have to shut up now”.
Finn: yes, yes they do.
Midlife Slices: honestly, it doesn’t always feel good.
Captain Steve: LOL
Selma: agreed
NYCWD: which people will say is cheesy, I’m sure. But I don’t think it’s any different than people who are meant to paint. Or plant. Or run. Or WHATEVER – you know?
Becky: yeah, I think sometimes just knowing survival is possible helps.
Robina: I’m glad you’re OK.
Em: you’re welcome.
maman: holy shit. That breaks my heart.
AmyD: thanks, I’ll check it out.
Shelli: yep, that’s true. And Adam is just one guy – not a gaggle of girlfriends.
ali: Oh IMA BRING IT! lol
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Who makes the rules? Why shouldn’t you share if it helps you?
I imagine a lot of people are concerned on Jared’s behalf, but I think all of us know that he reads this, as does your Mom & brother etc etc.
Aren’t a lot of problems in relationships causes because of “communication”? I don’t think Jared could ever say that he doesn’t know how you feel about something.
I think you’re doing an amazing thing, and no one has the right to tell you how open you should be. It’s silly.
End rant.
xo
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I have this friend that I can share anything with and we have a rule – when you just want to rant and rave and you don’t want any advice, we start out the conversation with “Can I just vent for a minute?” That’s our cue for “shut up and just listen and don’t give me any advice, dammit.” I think sometimes your blog is that-simply venting-which is really, really good because I honestly think a lot of us readers are grateful to hear that someone else’s marriage/kids/in-laws/whatever is just as screwed up as ours. So…….thank you!!
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Ah, the internet ‘haters’–fun bunch, no?
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Okay–back to finish my comment.
I learned very soon after I started reading you that you were ‘processing’ by writing.
And I don’t think it’s at all ‘cheesy’ to say you were meant to share this way. I think you are right.
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I’m sure I would share a LOT more if I knew my hubby and MIL weren’t reading.
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I think it’s cool that you don’t shy away form personal stuff here even though family reads your blog. It’s because members of my family DO read my blog that I stay away from a lot of personal stuff.
Of course you would think I would have offended them in many other ways by now, and run them off. But apparently not.
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I talk about everything. I don’t restrict myself. The reason I created the blog in the first place was to get things out of my system. I developed a readership from it. Never my intention but that is what happened. I didn’t censor myself back then and I don’t intend to now. You are perfectly brave and free to talk about your marriage. Good for you.
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You can blog about whatever you want to blog about and I’m fairly certain you’ll get tons of readers. You’ll have people on your side and you’ll have people NOT on your side.
My blog is my “space” to share my world, share my grief, share my anger, share my happiness.
I’m glad you share your world with us.
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I hate it when I get here late and everything I’d wanted to say is taken. So, I will talk about me me me
.
I share whatever *I* want to share and if others don’t like it, I don’t care. Of course, I also hide behind the cryptic so I am not as ballsy as I pretend to be.
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I’ll still be here reading. the reason I don’t write about my marriage problems is I don’t want my family’s advice or “help”. So I write about my kids, more fun for them to read. and I don’t get told to “talk to our priest for help”
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I think the only thing that keeps me from verbalizing every feeling every second i’m having it is knowing that my entire family would ban me from the funeral when my grandfather had a heart attack because some Asshat in my family showed him how to get to my site.
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# Princess of the Universe Says:
Who makes the rules? Why shouldn’t you share if it helps you?
I imagine a lot of people are concerned on Jared’s behalf, but I think all of us know that he reads this, as does your Mom & brother etc etc.
Aren’t a lot of problems in relationships causes because of “communication”? I don’t think Jared could ever say that he doesn’t know how you feel about something.
I think you’re doing an amazing thing, and no one has the right to tell you how open you should be. It’s silly.
End rant.
xo
Bonnie B.: yeah, my friend and I do that too. And my mom and I.
Turnbaby: thanks babe.
Kathryn: maybe I’m lucky like that.
My mom, dad, step mom, brothers, brother in law, husband and lord knows who else reads this site. And I still feel like I can say it any way.
Jay: LOL maybe it’s because my immediate family and I were always very verbal anyway, so I’m used to them hearing me talk a lot. I don’t know.
CP: and your non censorship is AWESOME!
Sodapop: yeah, it’s unrealistic to think everyone is going to hop on board and be all supportive. And that’s OK – sometimes you need that part too.
Hilly: you are the QUEEN of cryptic!
Jennifer A: and I soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo understand that.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton: oh believe me – I’m not verbalizing every feeling I ever have. THIS? Is just an itty bitty part of it. How scary is that? LOL
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I love blogs that are not sugar coated !! Blog for you and only you !! If they don’t like what their reading .. they know what to do ! :peace:
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It bothers me 10% more than it should that we are a society built on putting people into tidy little boxes and when anyone is outside the box we yell at them “what are you doing?!” and try to pound them back into that box.
You wanna say what’s going on in your actual life on your personal blog then you should do that, and instead of criticizing you for your honesty we can sit back and process and learn something from you.
So, thank you.
(Did that make any sense? hmm.)
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I write fiction, and at times it seems I can only write when things are going wrong … or if I can put myself in that place, even falsely. I publish poems on my blog and I fear people will wonder what’s going on behind the scenes … but what good is any of it if we can’t share?
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