Hey everybody! Britt was too (tired/lazy/naked/multi-colored) to post today, so she asked me to fill in. I’ve decided that this is the perfect time to write Britt a little letter:
Dear Britt,
Today is one week and one day since you quit smoking. And I’ve stood idly by and kept quiet. I’ve thought about it and argued with myself. Is a good friend one who supports someone no matter what, or is a good friend someone who puts his foot down when enough is enough?
I have decided that I can no longer remain mute about something that means this much to me – I care too much about you to just let this lie. It’s time for some tough love.
Here are the top ten reasons that you need to start smoking again:
10. When the occasional ash would land on your nose, it twinkled like fairy dust!
9. I cannot continue to walk around wearing a full suit of protective armor. It’s fucking hot in here!
8. The only time I can convince you to listen to me whine about some girly thing was when you were taking a smoke break. Now I have to resort to IMing you from across the room.
7. I’d rather be lit on fire than stabbed.
6. If I can’t be one of the cool kids, at least I got to hang with the cool kids.
5. I got used to having full conversations in seven minutes.
4. One less vice means you’re that much closer to being perfect. And you let me know that every day. I can’t take it anymore!
3. I lost 30 pounds just sitting outside in the Florida heat at restaurants so you could smoke while we eat. Now I’ve gained 60!
2. Everybody knows lung cancer is just a myth, like the Holocaust.
1. The sound of you chewing celery is not nearly as easy to listen to as the gentle “SHMMOOOOOWAKKABOOOM” inhale and exhale as you smoked.
I only tell you these things because you are my bestest friend and I love you. I want you to be the person that you used to be. Someday we’ll look back and you’ll be all “Aww, Adam, thanks for the tough love,” and I’ll be all, “No problem Brittoni,” and then we’ll get on the backs of dolphins and ride away into the sunset.
Sincerely,
Adam Avitable
P.S. I hid a pack of Marlboro Lights in my shorts. You’ll have to search around for them.
Posted in Friends and Family Tagged: avitable, guest post, smoking
Step away from the dolphin
It’s been a week now… I don’t think she needs a smoke bad enough to be rooting around in your shorts. Maybe you should have tried that around day two or three?
if only “SHMMOOOOOWAKKABOOOM” weren’t so fucking true!!! hehe
You really go above and beyond for your friends. :lmao:
I don’t know about you but all this smoking talk makes me want to start up! Of course, then I’d have to quit and I have no one to make ME a Top 10 List.
Reason #11. Adam was secretly addicted to Britt’s second-hand smoke. He loved the smell, he loved the carbon monoxide high. Britt quitting means Adam jonesing for his addiction.
He doesn’t know how much longer he can go on.
Great. Now I want a cigarette.
*runs off to smoke one…or three…for Britt*
Adam is one of the cool kids. Just don’t get into his shorts…. Its a trick. (hint … it’s not a “whole pack”)
You had better hope that’s a cigarette she grabs and lights in there Adam dearest. Have you seen how fast that much hair goes up in flames?
What a pal – but since we all have seen what is in those shorts I think you are better off just buying a pack.
You are really good at sound effects.
You forgot to add the whole amazing smell of the cigarette when you first light it… sorta like the smell of a car’s exhaust when you first start it… and equally deadly!
Does “equally deadly” make sense? Hmm…
I say light his pee pee on fire!
What a pal!
Totally worked on me tho…I lit one up.
Way to go, Britt. You’ve done what I couldn’t. I’m gonna get back on the horse shortly, but I’m really very proud of you.
BTW, how is Jared doing?
Add a popcorn machine to the office. Popcorn breaks:)
That post actually made me want to quit smoking.
You mean the Holocaust wasn’t real? I wish someone would have informed my history teacher of this. No wonder I flunked his class…the damn conspiracy theorist.
Ash on her nose? Is she smoking upside down again?
So basically what you’re saying is, you’re worried about YOU?
J.
Adam, it sounds like YOU need to take up smoking.
LMAO. That was FUNNY. Do you think the dolphins will be able to swing carrying Britt’s OXYGEN TANK, though?
Conspiracy Theory #8.
———————-
What’s funny is that I’ve suspected all along that *Britt* is the one that has the creative, devilish streak, and that Adam loves Britt so much, he lets her vent that out by writing all the offensive posts on his site. The “normal” ones are actually Adam’s. All that 2g1c, dolphin porn, nutsack stuff is 100% Britt.
And now they’re really pushing the envelope. Britt wanted to be more risque on her own blog but wasn’t ready to expose that part of herself just yet… so she faked needing someone else to do a blog post and then once again made it look like Adam’s the one doing it.
You should start pro-smoking ads.
Don’t listen to Adam! You are past the “bad” point!
Has she found the Marlboro Lights yet? Was it as good for you as it was for her?
I love you guys.
LOL Yeah she might be thanking you with one of those artificial voice boxes and a ‘trach hole’ though
I agree with Dave… she’s probably just not that desperate. Especially now after we’ve seen your junk. haha.
Dammit Adam, you make me miss smoking and have reminded me of how much of dork I’ve become since I quit four years ago.
Thank you for letting us know that lung cancer is a myth because I’ve been hoping that this thing I’m going through is a big ole farse! :lmao:
Is farse a word???
Ply me with wine and I’ll root around in your Fruit of the Looms for Marlboros. Or I might just offer you a blow job and when you drop your pants take the cigs and run. :nana:
Ply me with wine and I’ll root around in your Fruit of the Looms for the Marlboros. Or I might just offer you a blow job and when you drop your pants take the cigs and run. :nana:
That poor poor dolphin.
Finn commented twice-I think she’s already plied with wine!
Britt, you’re so lucky to have a friend like Adam. Always looking out for his pals….
I think my computer’s been nipping into my booze stash. :rolleyes:
Britt,
Remain strong and carry lots of weapons. You can remain smoke free.
Don’t listen to Adam!
The Mutt Princess
Adam, what would Britt do without you? Your list was pretty damn good! Good thing Britt’s strong enough to overpower you :peace:
Awwww….you had me at smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. I gotta go smoke now.
Seriously though – I’m proud of you Britt, for doing what I am not brave enough to do.
I got a really good deal on a 5-gallon jug of gasoline.
Just sayin’… if #7 should be acted upon.
Ah Britt. Adam is lonely. Maybe he needs a hug.
Great letter!
Please don’t violate a dolphin. Poor, poor dolphin.
:lmao:
It was almost believable until you said the part about the smokes in your shorts.
You don’t wear shorts!
No pimping for the show today?! What the ?
No, Brit, don’t listen to Avi! It’s all a ruse to get you into his shorts – there aren’t even any ciggies in there!!! Run far, run fast!!!
Don’t listen to Adam.
Great! I quit over two weeks ago and was fine – until now :banghead: now I really want a cig, badly!
@Britt: Whatever you find in these short might feel amazingly similar to a cigarette in size, but it won’t taste the same when you suck on it and I can’t imagine that a cigarette ever spit in your face
mg:
Greets Julia
Adam’s just being selfish Britt stick to it darlin. In my best Rob Schneider voice
YOU CAN DO IT!
I was laughing really hard at the smokes hiding in Adam’s shorts… then I read Marty’s comment. My ribs hurt now. A lot. LOL
With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Amanda, I said we were going to ride them, not fuck them!
Dave, oh, I’m sure she does.
Hello, I know! Nobody will ever believe that’s what she actually sounded like.
Sarah, I’m like a rock.
Hilly, I’ll be there for you.
LMSS, oh just shut it and give me a fuckin’ cigarette already GARARHAGAGHA!
Dana, that’s very noble of you.
Marty, it’s a cigar.
Fogspinner, ooh, good point.
Judy C, she’s too cheap for that.
Catherine, I’m an onomatopoet.
Undomestic Diva, it does smell good, you’re right.
Kay, why would you want to burn my big ol’ cigar?
Lexi, I’m like some crazy hypnotoad.
Karl, get on that fucking wagon!
Clayton, she’s eating low carb, too!
Blue Streak, good!
Bucky, that’s what my Aryan brothers tell me.
Kapgar, no, but her exhale blows them around like a snowstorm.
HG, exactly!
Britt, I probably should.
Blondefabulous, I wear that tile proudly.
Faiqa, dolphins have strong backs.
Whall, now we’re going to have to kill you.
Robin, I just did.
Kristin, you know I’m joking, right? I want her to stop.
DB, well, it is sticky in my pants.
Maggie, you’re just trying to bum our smokes.
Turnbaby, that’s sexy.
Sue, which means she’d be even more desperate to get in my pants.
Lisa, I know – it’s all a myth! And you mean farce.
Finn, now I’ll never fall for that.
Angie, they like it.
Metalmom, I know. I’m a mensch.
Finn, suuuure.
TMP, I’m clearly joking! I support her quitting completely.
Becky, yes, she is.
NYCWD, how’s your quitting coming along?
Robina, a hug in my pants maybe.
Steve, what if it’s consensual?
Sybil, c’mon. It wasn’t believable at all!
Evil Genius, there’s a cigar, though.
Shelli, nobody should ever listen to me.
Julia, it will taste better and be less filling.
Trukindog, oh, if anyone can, she can.
Winter, he’s just jealous of my cigarette penis.
SciFi Dad, exactly!
Britt…step away from Adam’s shorts….that is NOT something you want to put in your mouth and suck on. But the lighting it on fire part is an idea…….
Some of the lower numbered ones made me laugh really hard. I know, an inspirational comment. Whadda ya want? I’M FULL OF TOFU!!! NUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple more suggestions. 1) My dad lets his employees leave three times a week to work out and pays for their membership at a local gym. 2) Ever thought of installing a punching bag, aside from getting sweaty, which sounds like its happening any way, in 3 minutes you could have your conversation, get tired and decide to quit, and get out any need for physical release.