I’m face to face with the same brick wall and there’s no more avoiding it. I have to choose.
It’s not really a choice, in as much as there is no doubt about which path I will walk down. Making the choice is not what torments me. It’s finding a way to live with it.
But we’ve had this fight a million times. We’ve fought, we’ve discussed, we’ve cried, we’ve compromised. We’ve forgiven and let go… and still we end up at the starting place over and over again.
There is no equality in this marriage. We don’t share the burdens or the responsibilities. We don’t have the same feeling of obligation. The words house and home and family don’t mean the same thing to us.
And I don’t care whose “fault” it is or whether it’s “on purpose” or not – it’s fucking hard to live with. I’ve been living with it for 8 years. 8 goddamned years. Regardless of job or position or location. The variables all change but the end result is always the same:
I am the reliable one. I’m the one who makes it all work – the house, the bills, the kids. All of it. The buck starts and stops here.
And he.. well, he can be a great help at times.
I’m tired of hearing that it’s not his fault. I’m tired of having to accept work as an excuse. I work too! Full fucking time, thank you very much. I bring in half of the income into this house – and yet I am still expected to carry the rest of the load.
But then, this is old news. Old anger. Old frustration. Old resentment that has been scabbed over and picked open again and again.
It is not going to change. He is not going to change.
I’m not crazy. Or blind. I can see that I only have a few options from here. I can ride the merry-go-round over and over again and suck the life out of both of us – or I can jump off. And jumping off means learning to live with it… or not.
And living without him is not an option. For any of us.
The fact is, I do not know a better man than him. His soul is good. His heart is good. His laughter is the same as mine. He looks at the world with arms wide open and a smile across his face and he loves damn near everything that comes his way.
I will never in a million years know another man like him. I will never in my lifetime love another person the way I love him.
Walking away is not an option.
I know this. I know this. I know that his goodness is bigger than the long nights alone without a phone call. I know that my love for him is deeper than my frustration and weariness. I know.
And I know we cannot stay on the merry-go-round.
I have to jump off. I have to let go. I have to find a way to live with it, just like it is.
And I’m stuck. Face to face with another wall that I cannot move. I haven’t got a clue how to walk this road without a bulging bag of bitterness and resentment.
How do I get past the fact that it’s not fucking fair?!?! It’s not fair that I have to give up because he refused to work with me. It’s not fair that my resignation means doing it all by my fucking self all the time. It’s not fair that I will never, ever know what it is to have a partner.
It’s not fair. Life’s not fair.
I know.
I need to do the right thing. For me and for us. I have to be the one to break the cycle. I have to see beyond the inequality and embrace what we have. I know that’s what I need to do.
But I don’t know if I have what it takes – whatever it is – to do that. And that scares the hell out of me.
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Posted in Love and Marriage Tagged: marriage, relationships
It just always seems like he views you and the kids and coming home as an obligation, not a privilege.
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I hear you on this – oh – I fucking hear you all right!!!
i don’t know, either. It makes me crazy to hear my mom say, “He’s not going to change – you’re going to have to accept that and figure out how to deal with it”, because 1) DUH, and 2) WHY am I always the one who has to jump through hurdles to figure out how to deal with things?! His life just stays the same and IT ISN’T FAIR!
So I wish I had some consolation for you, but I don’t.
I suck.
Here’s a hug.
:hug:
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I don’t know you guys and can just say– OMG- if you feel that bad– something has to give. Sometimes Love is not enough. Need to stop giving advice now.
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Oh God do I know what you are saying!! I wish I had answers…but like you I’m between a rock and a hard place. HUGS.
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Life is never fair. And no matter what people say marriage isn’t always (or maybe ever) fair or equal either. Someone is always giving more. And hopefully it shifts and changes now and then so that it is not always the same person giving more. Hopefully there will be times when you need him to be the one to hold things together and he will. Hopefully that happens.
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Ah, :dunno: you’re preaching to the choir.
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This was probably not a good night for me to read your blog. I divorced my husband for many of the same reasons, and a few more. Today, I sent him an order to appear in court for a failure to pay for health insurance. For 6 years. I am terrified of the fallout.
I am not an advocate of giving up. But I also had to realize when my ass was kicked.
Please hang in. You and Jared seem to be well suited. Plus, your Mom rocks! She needs to update her blog though!
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I walked in your “pseudo-single-mother” shoes for about 21 years. My husband worked 60-70 hours a week. I woke up and he was gone and when he came home the kids and I were asleep. I did all the cooking,laundry,school meetings, driving to lessons, taking them to church,doctor’s appointments.
And we survived. But only because he accepted that it would be my rules and my decisions.
And we survived. The kids are grown up and life is amazing.
But he has come to the realization that his grown-up kids are closer to me than him. And he missed a SHITLOAD of stuff. Not the big things like recitals and graduations, but the little every day things. He doesn’t get our inside jokes. They call me way more than they call him. They think he doesn’t really understand them becausehe doesn’t really KNOW them.
And that was his trade-off. And he knows he missed a lot.
But we survived because I have loved him since I was 16 and I have never loved anyone else in 35 years
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I was a productive human being. I had marketable skills, I had ambition, I was a force unto myself. Then I had a child stricken at 16 months with diabetes. Suddenly I had to depend on another person to earn the “keep” while I had to deal with doctors, clinics, schools etc…. It took 4 and a half Loooooong years to get things settled where I could once again go out and contribute to the household. My career was no more however, and I had to reinvent myself as a chef/cook. To study under Memphis’ finest and take their secrets to heart! Then, like a badly skipping record, a second child was stricken with diabetes at 2 years old! WTF??? Do i have a secret diabetes gene I didn’t know about? So once more, I dropped everything and became the care giver again, while my husband had to support us all on his own.(not easy in today’s world). Sometimes life doesn’t give us choices, we just have to roll with the punches and get to what’s real…. crap, that was Van Halen, wasn’t it? Still, it does make sense, and if anyone can rock and roll with it, it is most definitely you! :rock:
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Obviously I have no advice on this, what with my extensive knowledge and all (snort), so I’m just here to offer you lots of hugs. I’m sure everyone else will come up with some sort of good advice or at least a few should. :hug:
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If he thought it WAS an option, would things change ever so slightly? Just askin.
Sending Strength your way. And Hope.
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Tonight, I am here in the trenches with you.
Today I worked for several hours putting together everything we would need for the attorney. I went to the appointment. And, it worked out well. I felt better. Better than I had in months.
And, I guess that was the problem.
Not long after we got home – I was accused of being irresponsible. Of making him carry all the weight. Basically. The details don’t matter, the end is the same.
So, tonight. I’m here… right along with you.
:heartbeat:
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Good luck. I’m on marriage number four. Life is too short for sour lemons. I choose the sweet ones. Until they’re overripe.
Fortunately the fourth Mrs. Me has remained ripe and still makes me smile.
There’s a “somebody” for everybody. Maybe he’s in front of you. Maybe he’s not.
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Even though you’ve already made your choice, the tough part is, you have to keep making that same choice every single day. You can do it.
He will face some consequences later for his actions now, but you just keep doing the right thing and your conscience will be clear.
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:hug:
I now know what it’s like to love someone enough to never want to walk away, so…
I don’t know what to tell you, except hang in there, we’re here to listen, we love you, and we know you’re right.
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really touching post. I´m so sorry you´re going through this. I wish I could give some beautiful advice, but for me marriage is just fucking hard right now too, and the alternatives seem harder.
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I haven’t been visiting your blog for long, so I don’t know all the history between you. You describe an all too common dysfunctionality. I’m a grandfatherly male, and I give advice to young women every chance I get:
I tell them;
when you visit his family, watch the way his mother treats her boys, and how she treats her girls. I’ve had many come back to me, amazed. I tell them I didn’t suggest this because I thought they could change the guy, but only because I don’t want them to do that to their children.
The other thing I recommend is that they watch how he treats people he doesn’t have to be nice to, like servers, sisters, etc. Because 18 months after they make it permanent, that’s how they will be treated.
Of course, none of what I’ve just said helps with your problem today, in any fashion. But I do think it might help to provide perspective.
If you haven’t read “How to Win Friends, and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, I suggest you do so. I only wish I’d read it at 18, rather than 50+.
If I were you, I think it would boil sown to two fundamental questions for me; what’s best for the kids, do I get up each day with dread, and do I see that ever changing?
In any case, I wish you love, peace, and a sense of hope. Do you know the serenity prayer?
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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Quitting a flawed partner is exactly like quitting smoking or any other addiction. It hurts, it’s harder than anyone can imagine who hasn’t done it, and it will kill you if you don’t.
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There is no equality in marriage. Briefcase has traveled extensively since our kids were born. I have raised them as a psuedo-single mom. I have been mother, and father to them. When he’s home he wants to be “the good guy” because he isn’t home often. Which means all discipline has always been my responsibility. He is like a fun friend who comes to visit. When he’s here? He’s tired from traveling and he still does nothing around here. He catches up on his sleep before he needs to leave again. I have had anger, I have had resentment, I have thought about leaving. This year our oldest left for college. It came as a total shock to him that she was calling me daily and “not even thinking” to call him. How could he have been surprised? I still think about it all the time. Do I want to grow old and gray alone? Because he is a workaholic and I know he will never be there for me. Life is full of tough choices.
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I’ve been in the same role of Wonder Woman juggling my duties as wife, mother, career woman. I was the glue that held it altogether.
Then one day I lost my shit. Totally.
I realized that I had to let go of some of the control. I mean, afterall, I was working 10-hour days, trying to be a full-time mom, and micro-managing the household chores.
I was doing it all. And this was going on while my husband was the SAHD. Yes. That’s right. He wasn’t working. He was home. 24/7/365.
I hired someone else to do the cleaning. No more vacuuming at midnight!
I cut back on cooking from scratch. Suddenly, Micky D’s didn’t seem like such a bad alternative.
I taught him how to do the laundry without turning white t-shirts pink.
We got separate checking accounts. He paid his bills. I paid mine.
The kids loved it when I jumped in the pool after work instead of going inside the house to change and make dinner, or dust, or whatever.
We had written, definable chores and responsibilities.
It doesn’t do you any good to talk or scream until you’re blue in the face if you keep giving him an out by doing it all yourself.
You have to pull back, let go of some stuff, spend more time with the kids and less time with all the other stuff.
What a tremendously huge relief it was to let go of that stuff and go back to being a better mom, wife, and career person.
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Oh, man, Britt. I’m sorry. Just…I’m sorry. I wish you all the best, always.
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I think you have a good grasp of things. I’m not sure how long you two dated before marrying, but this can’t completely have been a surprise to you. And you chose him. Also ask yourself if you’re being all that YOU need to be. You’ve said that you’re carrying the ball on most everything, making half the money, doing most of the work. You’re the administrator of the house but, are you being the WIFE you should be? If you really have all your ducks in a row in terms of how YOU are behaving in the marriage, and you really love him and want to keep him, then yes, you’ll have to accept that there are some things you won’t get from him and learn to fully cherish the things you do. You made a vow before God. Don’t take that lightly.
Please.
FMD
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As so many other have said before, you are not alone in feeling this way. All I have to say is don’t give up. If he is “that man” for you, jut keep fighting for what you know is true.
:hug:
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Okay, so I stay at home, but honestly, with the kids competitive swimming and commute, it’s more than a full time job. And my husband doesn’t do half of what he used to when we first married. Even then, early in the marriage, I was 9 months pregnant mowing the lawn on an army post.
Avitable can attest how much I have been whining about it lately on my blog.
Is it worth my marriage? I got to say no. Does it make me want to wap him with a rolling pin, umm, hell yes.
Right now I am working on making sure my sons don’t follow the pattern. Honestly, we lived together for over a year before marriage and we split all the work 50-50 then.
Listening to the commenter above about how he treated his sister was a lightbulb. He was so solicitous during the first 2 years of our marriage. Attitudes changed two years into the marriage. He treated his sister like a retard and surprise he started treating me like I was retarded. It didn’t help we were stationed in Alaska where I had no hope of getting a job or getting my law degree. Nope, just lots of examples of cave men metality and “little women.”
So, not much advice, just know that you are not alone. I think many, many marriages suffer from this. I have a relative that outearns and outworks her husband, has kids, cleans house, and he still criticizes her for not making him dinner and hands her the baby when diapers need changing or yells for her to take care of the baby as he cries while he sits watching the game.
It makes my heart hurt.
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this post hit home with me.
i’m in a similar situation. my husband, a good man, is nonetheless never changing a host of issues critical to keeping the union healthy and thriving. three years ago i made a conscious choice to “just accept” this; to accept him as he is and to find things in my own life that give me pleasure and which might not include him. i did this for awhile. it didn’t work. the reason it didn’t work is that while he loved me, he didn’t come to bed with me, he didn’t read my manuscripts, he didn’t check up on me when he knew i was upset, he didn’t take the initiative to make things right, particularly the situation.
i thought i could be a closed off woman; someone who did not feel and could be happy that way for the rest of my life. i thought i could just “resolve to life”, which means let be the things which are, but i will tell you honey, here’s what i’ve learned: there’s no just accepting it, not if you’re a woman with passion and heart, and not when there’s inequity involved. oh i think there’s some kind of Buddhist monk-smile we can learn to train on our mouths, where we nod and say “ahhh, okay, this again,” but that doesn’t mean we don’t hate it. we do hate it. we still hate it. and then:
the nights become days and the days become months and the months become years, and now here we are, all these years later, and it’s not that any of us don’t love each other, or even that we won’t always be some kind of family forever — it’s just that i am who i am and he is the man he has always been. and will ever be. nobody is to blame for these basic things.
as an aside, i often wonder, why did he leave his first wife anyway? they never talked. they never did anything together even remotely interesting. if that’s what he wanted, why then did he turn to me, a veritable tornado, a writer, a singer, a spiritualist, a social butterfly?
but sometimes we choose people because we seek to have for ourselves that which they possess naturally and easily. i think on many levels i sought from him his stability and serenity and that likewise, he wanted the tornado. all these years later, however, a cruel trick has been played: he is still that stable man, yet my categories have not only been downgraded, i am barely a gust of fresh air on anyone’s face anymore.
it’s heartbreaking sometimes.
i think i know what i need to do, too.
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I am sorry for what you’re going through, and I hope your answers and resolution come to you soon…
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avitable: oh babe, you are soooo hearing it from my side. Which isn’t necessarily fair. I really don’t think that’s how he sees it.
Sybil Law: you know what Sybil, being able to see that you get EXACTLY where I’m at right now is sometimes even better than advice.
Connie: but I don’t always feel that bad, ya know? That’s the tough part.
Mrs. Schmitty: wife hugs all around today. :hug:
Kathryn: I know that. I do. Although I’m trying to imagine that scenario you described… I’m not sure.
Sheila: our song sucks!
Mary: thank you. I cannot imagine fighting Jared in a courtroom. I just KNOW that is not for us. It can’t be.
Little Miss Sunshine State: you will never know how much stuff like this helps. Thank you.
Blondefabulous: Van Halen did have a point.
Sarah: hugs welcome.
Sarcastic Mom: yes, they would. For a little bit. And I know because I’ve walked that road. I’ve threatened when I didn’t think it was just a threat.
And at this point – I don’t want to go there. You know? I don’t want to threaten him with that to make him change.
AmyD: oh honey, I’m sorry. Love you lots and lots.
Jasonher: I go back and forth on that “somebody” for everybody thing.
Dory: sounds like smoking. LOL
Poppy: all of those things are exactly wonderful to hear. Thanks babe.
Blue Streak: that’s better than advice – being reminded it’s just hard. For everyone sometimes. And that yes, like you said, the alternative is even harder.
eggy: OK, I have to say this – Jared is amazing to people. Me included. He’s kind and wouldn’t dream of treating anyone like a retard.
Our struggle lies in his actions and the feeling that they come from a sense of obliviousness (WORD!!) or something.
georgeh: we are all flawed though.
Twenty Four At Heart: I guess there’s always retirement?
Mattie: oh I have definitely done that since moving here. Had to. My house is a fucking mess – but someone needs to play with these babies.
Iron Fist: thanks. Sorry, I know posts like these suck ass to read.
Fu Manchu Dad: we got married at 19 – so I had noooo idea how his work would effect us. Although the – well – yeah. To a certain extent I guess.
ANYway, you do bring up a good point about trying to remember to do MY job as a wife. Thanks for that. Truly.
Becky: ugh, fighting makes me tired! But I know what you’re saying – and thanks.
Scout’s Honor: I dn’t think I’m giving him enough credit here – because when he’s HERE, he will definitely help with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Anything he’s asked to do – as long as he’s here – he’ll do.
I guess that makes me luckier than a lot.
Crys: what happens to women like us, Crys?
manager mom: thank you – I’m sure it’s not nearly as bad as I make it sound here. heh.
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I am sorry that you are feeling so alone. But please remember that having someone to love, who loves you, who brings home a paycheck, and DOES do something….is infinitely better than paying bills and raising kids 100% alone. I promise. And yes, you may feel like you’ra already there, but you’re not. If you had an emergency and you called him, he would be there with you. True single motherhood does not have that security.
Hang in there.
J.
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From reading your response to Mattie, it seems like you already have a cleaning service. If you do, great. If not, I think it would behoove you to get one.
With that being said, although I don’t know you all that well I have to disagree with your resignation.
Marriage is a partnership, and you have the right to expect that. While it may not be in your nature, you need to be the kind of partner to him that he is to you. I’m not suggesting you do anything horrible, just make him be an adult. Let him take care of the things that he would have to take care of if he were single (specifically, I’m thinking his laundry, but I’m sure you can think of other tasks that you do that are totally for him – purchasing specific items such as gitch or socks, or even the types of foods he prefers for lunch).
Let him take ownership of his own shit, at a minimum. You can’t force him to be an equal partner, or an equal parent (and I believe that it’s more than a coincidence that those two words are anagrams) but you can stop taking care of him directly. Once he has some tasks of his own that have to get done, he may be more agreeable to distributing the load.
To be clear: I’m not blaming anybody for this. (In all honesty, it’s as much him for not doing anything as it is you for enabling it, but that’s neither here nor there.) However, I do believe that at a minimum he should be taking care of his own stuff if he’s not going to take care of anything else. It’s only fair.
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My parents’ marriage was like yours. The difference between my parents and yours is that I think my parents married out of obligation rather than love…and I don’t see that same thread between you and Jared. Every time I read about life with him, good or bad, I can feel the love you two have for each other. Being married so young and building a good life for you and your children is no joke! You guys should be proud of yourselves…lots of people our age are failing at that miserably. With that being said, maybe you could find ways for him to help you when he’s around – like leave some things that you do for him when he comes home, if that makes sense. After living my life with a marriage like yours, I know that you two can make it work because there is deep love there. I won’t wish you luck, because that’s so cliche and I know you don’t need it.
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i have my ideas, Britt.
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Bravo, SciFi Dad! I’m glad someone is finally saying that you are right to expect and want a partnership as part of your marriage.
And Fu Manchu, so you think part of the problem is that she might not be acting like the Wife she should be? It’s hard to act like a wife to an empty house, isn’t it?
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There’s more than one horse on the merry-go-round… so chances are he’s on a horse on the other side.
The thing is, do you hop off it without getting the brass ring and just wait for him to circle around and hope he hops off too? Or do you get the brass ring so you can stop the ride and get off together?
(BTW, if I read this right, your not talking about the D word… but if you are… just ignore me…)
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It seems that we are still stuck in the 50’s. The women still do the majority of the “house wife” duties. The only difference is now we are out making a living on top of it all. I don’t think it will ever be an equal partnership. We will always carry the bulk of the burden in child raising, cooking, cleaning, ect. I have wished for 13 years that Borg would see what I see. The dirt, dust, dirty clothes. Through several financial crisis I have been the one to make it all work. From finding bankrupcty lawyers to mortgage brokers. Just like Jared, Borg goes to work and comes home. We are his whole life but a little help goes along way. But Borg doesn’t do the long hours like Jared does. Just 8-9 hour days. So what do we do when we love them as much as we do? If you find the answer please share it.
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I know we have talked before about this and I know you know I feel the same way. I am not willing to give up quite yet, but yet I can not live the way things are. I can not be the one to be here while he comes and goes as he pleases. I can not be the one to sit here and wonder where he is because he leaves the house before I wake up (and I get up at 5am) and doesn’t call until he is on his way home…whatever time that may be. Sometimes 5 pm, sometimes 10pm. Yes, he is gone for work but he is still gone. He isn’t respectful of me by doing this, by not communicating with me. It doesn’t show that he values that I am worthy of anything from him even though this family is what we both chose together and yet we go round and round with him saying the right things to make me think things will change. They won’t, obviously, and I either need to figure out how to live with it without being resentful that we live two sort of seperate lives, or give up. I don’t know how a person does this. I totally get this post. I understand what you are feeling because I am there too. Like the kids and I are one family and he is his own. This is not what I expected and not what I wanted and I feel us growing farther and farther apart as I rely more and more on just myself to handle things because he is just never here. Emotionally or physically. If you want to email me later, we can talk more but I absolutely understand where you are coming from on this. I’m only sorry that I have no answers for either of us.
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Oh Britt, I’m so sorry, cause I know how this feels, believe I know. That’s why I’m no longer married to my daughters’ father. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I always said I was a married, single mother. And it sucked, big time.
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I know how lucky I am. Even with Daren gone all week, he still comes home and doesn’t hesitate to throw a load of laundry in, yanno?
I have no answers but I do hope you find some.
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Oh Babe,
I have lived through this with you. You were doing the same thing more than 8 years ago while you were sitting at home pregnant and waiting for him to call. It sucks, I know it does. But I also know Jared and I know how much he loves you and the kids. I also that while he’s working his butt off at odd hours, he really truly wants to be at home with you and the kids.
He and Dave are so much alike in so many ways. They rely on us to shoulder the burden of evertyhing. They let their concerns and aggravations roll right off their backs. Its how they are programmed.
“The fact is, I do not know a better man than him. His soul is good. His heart is good. His laughter is the same as mine. He looks at the world with arms wide open and a smile across his face and he loves damn near everything that comes his way” – This is my favorite description of Jared, because it IS him. I know this as much as you do. And while things are hard, and you know I know they are! Think of it long term, and years down the road when all is said and done, you will be sitting together on the patio reading the paper and having your coffee enjoying. I can’t picture you doing that and enjoying more with anyone else.
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I know exactly what you’re going through. I’ve tried to live with it, but found that I couldn’t. But since circumstances have precluded me leaving, I had to force a change.
It’s never going to be a complete 50/50 arrangement, but it can be more equitable (especially if his job is part of the problem — you know I live with that too). You simply have to expect it. Which means, for a while, you’re going to have to play mommy to him. Tell him what he needs to do and expect him to do it. My suggestion would be to give him tasks that directly affect him so that if he fails to do them he suffers. Things like grocery shopping, washing his work clothes, etc.
You’ll still have to shoulder the big stuff until he gets it. And if he doesn’t get it, you’ll have to decide if love is enough.
Three choices: Change, accept or leave. That’s what it comes down to.
Hope you find your answer soon honey. You know where to find me if you need to talk.
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There comes a time when you have given all you can and there is nothing left to give. It sounds like you have come to that place. I hope that you can find the strength to go on with what you need to do.
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A lot of good advice here. I am another one who feels a marriage should be give and take. Now, sometimes you give more and he takes more, and sometimes it’s the other way around. It all comes out in the wash…or, it *should*.
If it’s always coming from you and never from him, there’s a gross imbalance in the system that needs correcting. Otherwise, it’ll lead to a great deal of resentment, and that’s not good.
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Your marriage sounds very much like my parents. My mom got so fed up at times, we would eat dinner with my dad’s picture at the table. We spent a vacation with him working, sending fed ex packages back and forth and on the phone the whole time. She told him that it wasn’t vacation, and he wasn’t taking vacation time… she wanted a do over. But… look at the kids. Because we knew how much our dad loves us. We knew it wasn’t because he would rather be at work, but because he felt an obligation to give us more than he had. We knew he would be there if there were emergencies, and for the big stuff.
My husband is home every day at the same time. Early. He is willing to do many things around the house. I lose many hours to his running, but I know he is physically available. He just has a much harder time emotionally. He tries, but I have learned to take what I can get. I don’t call him, because no matter what is going on, I think that he is mad, because he hates the phone and won’t talk. I eventually learned how willing he was to do some of the work around the house, I just needed to let go of my notions of how it needs to be done. (I think my family may have written the manual on how to load a dishwasher properly).
I mention this, because I often get the grass is greener envy crap going on. Often, I wish my husband was more emotionally available like my dad, but then your post reminded me about the not so perfect parts of my parent’s marriage.
Marriage is hard work. And I bet my husband would have a lot to say about what he is contributing, even if I don’t recognize it.
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Maybe this is why one of my closest friends is a lesbian?
Hmmm. I wonder how I can make my husband into a lesbian… Nah, that ain’t gonna work, is it?
He’ll still have a man brain, and I’ll still have a woman brain, and rarely the two shall meet.
I have no words of advice. And I suspect that you’ll find a resolution on your own and it will work. You’re great like that.
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“And living without him is not an option. For any of us.”
And that right there is exactly why I am still married. I would rather be unhappy with him, than miserable without him – which I KNOW I would be…because when it’s good, it’s really really good. But when it’s bad – oh boy.
I have to give him a good kick in the pants on a regular basis for this set up to work though.
From what I’ve seen my whole life – from my parents to my siblings – the wife is always the one shouldering the majority of the burdens.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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oh my dear wonderful britt, i am so not the person to hand out advice on this one.
just want to say i hear and appreciate everything that you are saying. hate that i can’t make it all better for you.
:heartbeat:
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I am fairly new to your blog and from the start felt a sort of connection to what you. My OCD has me going back and reading all of your previous post and I sometimes feel like you are describing my life.
I don’t know that anything I can say will help, but I do understand. I have walked this road with my husband for what will be 10 years next month. Some months are better, some months are worse. I know I have never accepted that I will always be the responsible one, but I also know I usually am. When it gets to be to much for me I start to let go. And he is always there to pick up the slack. He will never be one to try and help me when I have it all together. But he loves me enough to know when I’m losing it (usually be I know myself) and he has to step it up.
I’m sure you already know, but when you are stuck in it sometimes it’s hard to remember….I was reading about your first months in Florida last night and you were talking about being so tired and stressed and Jared was their to hold you up. Specifically at one point you said you felt like an elephant was sitting on your chest and with a phone call he was able to hold you up.
As hard as it may be, let go some and I’m sure he will be there to make it all work.
One last thing, when you quit smoking everything always feels so much worse that it really is.
Sending you hugs and strength.
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i, sadly, have no advice. just hugs.
for me, going back to work saved my marriage. things didn’t get pinned to me because i was at home. we had to figure out how we were going to separate responsibilities. and for us, it worked.
also? having a nanny to do the laundry? AMAZING. i got the wife i always wanted!@
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Crys: Because you are the opposite of what he had before. It didn’t work with the woman who was just like him, so he chose someone completely opposite. And to him… you’re still there, so it’s working. And if you both have the agreement that you can accept your differences, then it stays how it is.
I like what Fu Manchu Dad had to say, simply because we often forget that we are the only people we can change. We can’t change someone else. We change who we are when we aren’t perfectly happy with who we are or when we want to fold something new into ourselves. And sometimes that act alone encourages those closest to us to change, if they’re brave enough to. Or not, and you either have to accept that or move on.
Wow, I’m going to have to call my therapist and tell her she did absolute wonders on me. Look at me, not just chanting “lose the bastard!” all the time!
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I’m also fairly new to your site, but read on a daily basis… and the only thing I have to say about this situation is this: I’ve been there. As a matter of fact, I’m still there. But one day I woke up and said, you know what? His idea of carrying the burden is going to work all those hours and providing for our family. At least, that’s how he puts it. I just came to terms with that. It’s the only thing that we’ve ever really fought about. And it was THE HARDEST thing I’ve ever had to accept. Yes, he comes home at night, and no, I don’t have to worry about being home alone all night long… but seeing him on the weekends and a little more at night (other than dinner and bed) would be really nice. For me and our son. But I guess I feel like in the end, he’s doing it for us… and that made it a little easier to digest.
I hope you work through it. It’s rough, but obviously there are people out there in bloggerland (those you know, and those you don’t) who are here for you.
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I have little to offer, I’m new to this whole world. I don’t know you two as a couple very well but I get a great vibe the way you talk about him, but there is so much more than that. I hope you guys find a way to make a new path to a new road for your life together. Obviously there is still something to fight for. I wish I had suggestions, only a hug.
((((((hug))))))
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HoosierGirl: I deserve a partner to be more than a paycheck though, ya know?
SciFi Dad: no, I don’t have a cleaning service – I’ve just learned not to expect as much out of myself in regards to the house. LOL
I don’t coddle him. At all. He does take care of himself. The difficult thing is that I have to take care of myself and the “US” part of it – including the kids. Although I could probably go farther in that direction also.
And you’re absolutely right that BOTH of us play a part in this. I’m finally getting to the point where I realize I cannot, no matter how much I want to, control what part he plays. So I have to figure out how to play mine in a way that works for me.
Robin: thanks for the encouragement babe.
Crys: and you are brilliant as always. I wonder if you know how valuable you are to some of us.
avitable: the thing is Adam, while you’re right about it being hard to be a good wife to an empty house – the only thing I CAN control is ME. And so, as far as that goes, there are some good points there.
NYCWD: no, I’m not talking about the D word. I’m talking about anything else but that.
That being said – um, please elaborate on this brass ring and how one might find it.
diva65: I doubt *I* will be the one to come up with any answers. LOL
radioactivegirltori: thank you. Thank you so, so much for hearing me.
Robina: was it worth walking away?
Karen Sugarpants: I have to stick up for Jared here and say that the man is definitely willing to do laundry and stuff. I AM lucky in that regard because he can do a lot more than a lot of men.
But like that thing you do with the gym? I could NEVER do that. Ever. Because I’d never be able to count on him to be home when he said he was to take over.
He was late for Devin’s birthday for Pete’s sake.
Kristin: I love you. Thanks for this.
Finn: I have to think on this some more. Nothing I’ve ever done has succeeded in “forcing” a change.
Jess: I don’t mean it to sound like that. I have more to give – I just want to know what the fuck it is I’m supposed to be giving! LOL
Karl: and THAT is where I’m at right now.
kim: I could list the Big Stuff and the emergencies that he’s missed out on – but there’s no point.
THAT being said, I would be interested to hear what he thinks he contributes. Honestly. That’s a good question to ask. I bet I’d be surprised at his answers. So thank you.
Dawn: I don’t know that it’s as much about finding a resolution as a new direction to try to walk towards.
Sheila (Charm School Reject): “I would rather be unhappy with him, than miserable without him ”
There has GOT to be another alternative.
hello haha narf: really? I was actually kind of hoping you’d have some kind of objective insight since you don’t have your own shit to wade through to see it.
Misty: I’m glad someone is reading my archives. I forgot about that one.
ali: hugs are good too. Not as good as loaning me your NANNY! But still good.
Poppy: your resonse have.. um… evolved, haven’t they? LOL
Meghann: here’s my problem with that – WE BOTH WORK. We both make almost the same amount of money. We are both “providing” in that way. You know?
Robin: it’s OK, sometimes hugs are even better than suggestions.
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well THAT was weird – why does my blog randomly log me in as hellohahanarf?
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Britt-You don’t want to give up right? Just want a “new normal”?
I have these books by Dr. Laura Schlessinger that I read when I was going thru my divorce and they are AMAZING!!!! I will meet up w/ you sometime this weekend and give them to you.
To read them though you MUST let go of the Feminazi inside of you-Ok?
Let me know- Lots of prayers for you and yours, you can do this. You guys are good together right? Right????
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My husband and I have been there several times over the years we’ve been married. We both work, homeschool, and I’m really sick on top of it all. There are many things as I get weaker that I just can’t do that he won’t pick up and do. We fight. It still doesn’t get done.
So I hired a housekeeper. I’ll hire a gardener soon too if he doesn’t start kicking back in out there too. Can we afford either? No not really. Can I stand to live in a mess? No. Can I stand to fight with him constantly over it? No.
Good luck in finding your peace. I wish I could say there was an easy answer.
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Misi, a book by Dr. Laura about relationships is like a book by OJ Simpson on how to treat your wife right.
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the reason i don’t have my own shit to wade through is because i am jaded and intolerant. and really not a huge fan of marriage due to the fact that i see too many unhappy married couples. as you know, i am all about the happy.
i love you and jared together. i see the way you two look at each other. i am afraid that if i get to rambling over here i will say something based on MY needs / desires / perspective / attitude and that it will come out wrong.
can i just go with “what poppy said” as my comment?
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p.s. i am kinda giggling that your machine thinks it is me every once in a while. too cute.
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Looking back over our 35 years of marriage I realize that marriage is a business. It’s very personal and very emotional, but a business all the same. I totally lost it one day when I heard my husband tell a friend that he was ‘babysitting’ our child. That must have been the last straw! We sat down and actually wrote TOGETHER an ‘equitable agreement’. I hated paying all of the bills and listening to, “Where does all of our money go?” We decided to have him pay the bills. Guess who couldn’t turn loose of the contol? Yep, me! We had to tweak the agreement to say that we would each have separate checking accounts and different bills to be in charge of. I even included emotional, make Lynn happy rules. For example: If husband has to work late he will call wife and let her know his ETA. If that time changes he will call again to let her know that he cares that she is having to take care of everything without him. As I am typing this, I realize how stupid it must sound. But the difference that it made in our marriage was wonderful. We tried to be as businesslike as we could when we were drawing up the agreement. He balked at the ’silly agreement’ at first, but he agrees that it was a very positive thing for us. I know that all relationships are different, but our ‘business meetings’ (a term he was very comfortable with spending so many hours each day sitting in meetings)really cleared up some hidden resentments and healed them. It was also nice to converse about really important things without tears and snotty-snot pouring out of my face. Just wanted to share something that worked for us. If it is worth it, it is worth fighting for.
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Avitable- LMAO at the description. No, seriously it’s good stuff, some of it. It helps women like me see men in a different non-condemning way that’s all.
OJ Simpson 101… ROFL…..
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We’re working on that – I sure as shit don’t WANT to be unhappy for the rest of my life, just to avoid being miserable.
But we’re working on it. CONSTANTLY.
Apparantly, this is the way most marriages to DO last, work.
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What Sheila said. I am divorced because neither of us cared enough to work on that marriage. We were roommates who had some good times, but not enough to justify the legal entanglement.
And what Been There Done That said. Marriage is something to work at, perpetually, just like a (gasp, I’m gonna say this, aren’t I, I’m so brainwashed from being the kid of AA’ers) 12 step program. You stop working it and it won’t work.
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Hmm…I’m a single mom to a 13 YO…never been married so I can’t exactly relate. I think it’s one thing to know you have to do it all (like me) and another when there are 2 parents/adults and 1 is doing all the work. I keep teaching my son, “Life requires work. Life requires chores. Your personal maid and servant died so get to it.” Seriously.
As soon as I could afford it, I hired a cleaning service. It takes so much of the anger and resentment away from cleaning yet another toilet with pee on the seat. I will give up dinners out, books whatever to keep the cleaners. They are worth every nickel for my own peace of mind.
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I’ve been married for 26 years with the same problem. Let me tell you – it’s the RESENTMENT that will eat you alive, kill your soul and kill your marriage and your love for him. Britt, RIGHT NOW, seek marriage counseling before it gets to the point where you hate him. He has to see this issue through the eyes of a professional who will tell him that he either SEES and ADDRESSES and FIXES this issue, or else.
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I can’t give advice because I’m smack in the middle of a similar situation. Things just aren’t meshing, but we’re working through it. I hope you can do the same.
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I don’t know the whole story, and I don’t know how much he works. But I know that up until 3 years ago, I worked second shift, noon to 10pm.
I’ve been on the other side of this, and I’ve seen it from a whole different perspective.
You have to find a way to deal with it for now, while hoping that things with his job will change and get better. Sometimes you have to put up with a lot of shit at work before things get better, especially when you’re one of the new guys.
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Dear Miss Britt:
My heart breaks for you — and for Jared. I wonder, though, about the back and forth of your post. You titled it “Scared.” Of what are you afraid?
You assert several times in italics that “I know.” I sense a very deep sense of grief and sadness, as well as a not very convincing attempt to convince yourself that, as the Beatles sang, “Love is all you need.”
Sometimes when this kind of anger erupts it’s a sign that there is more where that came from. I have an idea that maybe you and Jared find it hard to talk about feelings and other important stuff in a way that is respectful each other’s feelings. If so, I encourage you to seek marital counseling with a psychotherapist. I think maybe you both need to learn how to communicate in healthy ways.
I had two questions when you posted the picture of you and Jared at the beach. Why did Jared look like a statue? Why did Britt look like she was clinging to him for dear life?
One last observation: oftentimes depression can be the result of suppressed anger. You have said previously, I think, that you are, or were, taking antidepressant medication. How long do you think you can live with your repressed resentments before you have another depressive episode?
Am I suggesting that you and Jared part ways? Not at all. I hope very sincerely that you and he can make your marriage work in a way that is good for both of you. On the other hand, and maybe this is where your title enters, you did, very tentatively, broach the subject.
I see some real positives in what you wrote, too. Your love for Jared is deep and sincere. You and he both have some very good qualities.
Blog comments are very reassuring and comforting, but don’t you think a little professional intervention might be more helpful in the long run?
With all the best wishes for a happy life,
Don
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Then you’ll find the right direction. You always do.
:hug:
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I have been riding this very same rollercoaster for the past five years. I think I’m even more confused about it than you are. And probably alot more resentful, which is scary in itself. Hubby is bi-polar and refuses to take medication, insisting he can “manage it with diet, exercise, and stress relief”. I, on the other hand, suffer from a chronic, debilitating illness, and I am on 7 different prescription meds just to keep me functioning.
Which of us is at fault? Neither. Who is suffering? Both of us. But neither of us is ready or willing to let go of what is potentially (but for outside factors) the best thing we’ve ever had.
It’s a game nobody wins.
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Oh, hon.
(((((you)))))
I agree with the person who said it’s the resentment that will kill things. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you and Jared are on the same page. You can’t afford room for resentment, on either side.
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Oh hell now life’s not fair! And OH HELL YES you are too strong enough. Iowa grit baby, through and through.
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Oh. My. God. How I can relate to this post. These feelings. These things have gone through my head so many times. All of it. Exactly. Especially after we moved to AZ. It became harder because MY support system was gone. My family who I relied on for help and a break when I needed one were gone. My friends who listened to me bitch while never once telling me what I Needed to Do or Should Do.
And then one day I realized, it didn’t matter any more. Why fight about it. Why argue. Why resent and feel bitter? If I was single I’d still be doing it all myself but it would be harder. I’d be without the one I love, and who loves me. The dramas would be without a father. I’d have to work two jobs. And the only thing that would have changed would be that he wasn’t physically there. That’s it. That is when I decided.
I wouldn’t find another man who loved me the same way, or who I loved the same way. No man would ever replace my kids’ father. He doesn’t beat us. He doesn’t use drugs. He quit drinking because he had a problem with it and knew we’d be divorced by now. He isn’t a child molester. He has a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone (me included except for the taking for granted part.)
So why suffer? I’m still here and once I made that decision, it became easier and surprisingly, he stepped up a little.
I don’t know if that helps you Britt, but it is what it is and it worked for me. Many women would tell me to leave or not put up with the shit but honestly, I don’t care what they say. I live my life for me and my kids and what works and makes us happy. Period.
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Britt, you’re living my fucking life. No answers. No suggestions (other than to kick him in the nuts from time to time, but that’s just for fun).
Just know you’re not alone. We lose ourselves in marriage and become an “accessory” in their view, don’t we? Fuckers.
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Britt, I really, truly admire how honest you are on your blog. I wonder if you realize that your honesty and forthrightness make this world a little less lonely sometimes. Thanks.
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misi: I really, really appreciate that you’re trying to help and you mean well. I do.
BUT? Not a fan of Dr. Laura. At. All.
And I also don’t consider myself some man hating feminazi either. I have three brothers and a son. This is not about me bashing or needing to see Jared in a better light.
Fogspinner: this housekeeper thing has come up a lot.
avitable: well, I don’t know about that – but I don’t agree with her view of the world. At all.
hello haha narf: oh ok, ok. I’ll take your hugs.
Been there, Done that: we’ve never put it down on paper. But I’m glad that you guys found what works for you too.
Sheila (Charm School Reject): I agree with that 100% There’s no such thing as standing still in a marriage.
Poppy: absolutely, AAers or not – it’s true.
Patti Cake: it is different – it is very, very different. And thanks for pointing that out.
Bonnie B.: yeah, it’s the resentment I am most afraid of.
A Whole Lot of Nothing: ugh, I hate to hear that for you guys.
Nobody™: this isn’t just the job. Or just THIS job. It’s been every single job he’s ever had.
At some point you have to say “hmmmm, maybe it’s not a coinicidence.”
Don: just to be very, very clear – I did not post this in the hopes that blog comments would “fix” my marriage. I appreciate your observations, although I don’t agree with all of them.
Dawn: thanks for the vote of confidence babe.
Evil Genius: it sounds like you both have a lot to deal with.
maggie, dammit: no, that is absolutely true.
Darla – UltraBeautyBoutique:this comment just made me grin. LOL
usedtobeme: it does help a lot, and you echoed a lot of what a very good friend said to me at lunch today too.
Kris/Chicka Nuts: I am nobody’s accessory. Damn it.
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Faiqa: well, I know that it makes the world seem less lonely for ME sometimes – so that’s good. :heartbeat:
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Britt, I wish I could give you some useful advice, but the fact is that I am living this same situation. I have decided that I am here until my girls are old enough to go off to college… after that, I am not sure. I can tell you that I question weekly whether I am making the right decision… You have to go with your gut and hope you are right…
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Well, it’s clear from all of these comments that you are not alone. Add me to the column of people who TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. And I agree with whomever said marriage isn’t 50/50. I’m not saying it shouldn’t be, but it’s just not. There was an article in the LA Times lately about families who try to do this, and they were keeping elaborate charts, etc., which to me makes life even more unmanageable.
One thing that my husband and I learned from therapy (we go every week to keep our communication going, and this really makes things work better) is that while he may not take initiative to help around the house, I never ask him for help, either. I just get resentful when he doesn’t do it.
Not sure that this is your situation, but this was a major revelation to me. ymmv
Good luck.
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I didn’t read all the other comments, so I may be repeating something.
Breaking the cycle and pattern can be the most difficult thing you ever do. Know that I’m here to support you when you need it.
I can only encourage you to do what you feel is the right thing to do for YOU and your kids.
If you stay, then yes, you will have to learn to “accept” it and him the way it and he is.
While not the easiest road to take, sometimes the most fulfilling at the end of it.
Keep your chin up hon. You’ll figure out what to do. You have an awesome support system of friends and family who will be there with you every step of the way.
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I’ve been here a while reading comments. There is so much common sense that has been expressed here but it can be so hard to apply it when you are behind the closed doors of a marriage.
That being said —I hear you–I hear your struggle to make this work and make it right for you and for Jared and the babies.
Just remember to give yourself a break sugar.
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And I wanted to say that the lines of ‘partnership’ in successful marriages are often fuzzy and more like the lines of a jigsaw puzzle than a pie chart.
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Oh man, oh man, oh man! I feel your pain! During one of our many fights about a similar issue I told him to leave and to my shock and dismay he did! I have not seen him since that fateful night as he moved across to the other side of the country! There’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t miss him like crazy and wish things had been different. However, there’s a part of me that knows that things were not the way they should be and we both deserved our happiness. He has been much braver than me at this split. He’s started a new life, a new home, a new job. He doesn’t have a new love but I’m sure it will be just a matter of time. In the meantime I am doing fine and my career has taken off and I am more successful than ever in that regard, but I would give it all back to turn back the clock and handle things differently. Perhaps suggest counselling or just sit down and really have it out with him calmly and sincerely, not angrily? Who knows. We had so many good times together and it’s on the rare occasion that I remember the bad times. We had those too. Too many times really. But I love him. I can’t help it. And I miss him like crazy. But we weren’t doing each other any favours staying together and fighting and resenting each other. sigh . . . . there’s no easy answer. I just appreciate you giving me the opportunity to vent. And just know that you really have to weigh it all out. If you can live without him without yearning for him every single day then it may be ok to let go. If not, then hang in there. Don’t listen to people who say they can’t change, or you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. We don’t know what can trigger change in people. Perhaps he will see the light some day or you will find a way to deal with it all better. In the meantime, hang in there and keep track of all the good instead of the bad!
Take some time for yourself as well. Hang in there!! BIG HUGS!!!
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I don’t know the whole story. No one does, sometimes not even the couple in question. I just want to say I’m sorry. Because it sucks to the one doing all the work. Because it’s terrible to feel you’re the only one trying in your marriage. There is no easy answer, there are only the solutions you can live with and I hope you find one that works for your family.
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Man, it’s hard not to get bogged down reading all the comments. Then you think: What is left to say?
I’m sorry you’re going through this though.
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dealt with it for 4 very long years. I finally told hubby he had to get another job and be home to help or I needed to hire help to get anything done besides keeping kids safe and fed. He worked nights and a lot of 12 and 16 hour days with no warning. I don’t know what the easy answer is.
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As I’m going to be in a car with you for 9 hours on the way to NOLA, I wanted to come over and “meet you” and see what you are like. I think we’re going to have some really interesting conversations on the way north.
I sure wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I shipped my hubby 400 miles away and gave him his own apartment so he could work there while I stayed with my kids on the old homefront. Sad to say, it works amazingly well.
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Get out of my head, Britt!
Shove over on the bench…I’m on this team. I don’t think I have ever EVER ever known a couple that has a 50/50 marriage. And it is tiresome, sometimes you want someone to take care of you, of hte bills, of the house, of the kids, just to not have to be the responsible one…not to have to be the boss.
Just to be able to “be”. Geez we need to live closer, lol. I take the wonderful person that the hubs is and try to use that as a counterweight to the absolute blank that I sometimes feel from his side. I wish I had advice, but i am reading all the advice others are giving..hoping I can learn too. :hug: :heartbeat:
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I hope you and Jared can find a way to come to a solution. For some reason, I don’t think you are going to find your answer on the internet. (sounds harsh/witchy I know).
Speaking totally out of line – has he always been in the same line of work? In that case – sweetie – it’s the same “job”. As long as Mr. I is in his line of work – he may or may not be in the bed when I go to sleep at night, or there in the morning when I wake up. Does this suck – yes.
Do I understand it? – Now I do. 6 years ago, I didn’t, and he didn’t understand how frustrating it was for me.
What made things change? Me – and my acceptance of the situation. I quit listening to outside forces (my friends/some family) that were telling me he wasn’t a good husband, because he was working all the time. He was providing for us, he had a good job. Just because I was working 40+ hours per week, taking care of the kids, and keeping up with general housework, didn’t mean he was a bad husband, or Dad – part of it meant – I wasn’t asking for help, and the way I was asking for help wasn’t effective (passive/aggressive much?).
I made the decision, that I loved him too much to kick his ass out. I made the decision, that his job was important to our family.
I also made the decision, that if I wanted him to be home, I had to stop bitching at him the minute he walked in the door, until he went to sleep at night, and I had to stop bitching to my friends/family that he wasn’t home, when I thought he would/should be. I made the decision, to be the wife he married, not the resentful bitch I had become, and then life got better. He started helping make the meals, and help with dishes, keep the house clean, and in general – life is good.
Marriage is a give and take – finding the right amount is hard – but you’ll get there.
(and if you asked my hubby – he’d tell you that he was doing just as much around the house, as I was – but in my mind at the time he wasn’t. – funny how that works? No?)
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I haven’t read all the comments yet. This is a really touchy issue, and I’d like to give everyone’s words the time they deserve to sink in.
I think you know that I divorced Bri in 2005. It’s a long story that lead up to the divorce, but the jist of it is that I didn’t have a partner. I was always lonely, even when he was there, because I knew that we didn’t place the same value on our life together.
Things are better now. But there is still the attitude that his job is working and mine is the family management. I work, full time, and I am in college, also full time. We have four kids. Sometimes I think he views me as this superwoman who can manage anything. But the truth is that I need help. I need *his* help. Not just to accomplish everything I need to, but to do it without feeling that loneliness.
We haven’t found the balance yet. We are closer to it, but I am not sure if it will continue to improve or if this-him working steadily and contributing financially, which was an issue before-is the extent of what he is able to give. It’s really fucking hard to swallow that I will have to fill in the many gaps somehow to get by.
But, I love him, and he loves me more than any woman could ever hope to be loved. He doesn’t cheat on me, or hit me, and he isn’t a bum. Anymore, ha. I hate to be away from him; he’s my best friend. Our family needs to be together. Our boys, isolated from their absent parents by death and drugs, need us both. Our girls have the too rare opportunity to grow up with both of their parents raising them together, without the complications of separation.
It’s not fair. You’re right. It should be more evenly divided. Fathers and husbands should recognize that they have the same responsibilities toward the home and family.
But, it isn’t what it should be. It isn’t what it could be. It isn’t what is would be.
It is what it is.
Accepting something painful isn’t easy and I won’t pretend it is. It’s damned hard and the fighter in you will battle you over it every step of the way. I know this because I’m there, still fighting and only sometimes winning. But in those moments when my conscious acceptance of our dysfunction overcomes the spirited insistence that I be right, I am happy.
And I’d rather be happy than be right.
You’ll be in my prayers. (No clue who I’m praying to, but I figure if someone is out there, they’ll listen just to prove me wrong. ;-P )
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I’ve always thought that addictions serve to replace feelings, or at least lessen them, and what has come to the surface within you this week certainly indicates that may be going on. The feelings are always OK, it’s what we do about the feelings that determines our character, who we are. At least that’s what I believe.
Perhaps counseling should be considered, as Bonnie, and Don have suggested. But I couldn’t disagree more with your description of the counselor as some kind of Uber-parent that will straighten him out. In any marriage, IMO, it is always both parties that contribute to the problem, and it will take both parties to solve the problems, or at least improve the situation.
I was married to a verbal abuser for 17 years, until I finally divorced her. I got lots of support for my decision in my community, and I appreciated it. But at the same time, I realized I was at fault as well. One of the things that I became aware of, was that I had never made my marriage my #1 priority, and how unfair that had been to my wife.
Five years later, when I met my late wife, and fell in love. I made that relationship my #1 priority, and what a difference that made. We were together for 8 years, and married for 7 and 1/2 of those years until she passed. All decisions I made were based upon how it would affect US, not me. Best 8 years of my life.
My friend Sandi told her husband when their youngest was 2 years away from graduating HS, that they needed to work on their relationship, or there would be nothing left of them when the kids were gone. He listened, and then took action, and they’re still together 15+ years later.
Bottom line, I think good communications are essential in order to have a healthy, happy long-term relationship.
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I have been through this myself and it is not a pleasant place to be. About 3 years ago my husband and I almost split over the same things you and Jared are experiencing. The major issue for me was the going out all the time and not telling me where he was, as well as just sitting around watching TV when he actually was at home. I was working full time and doing everything else – shopping, cleaning, cooking, helping with homework. I nagged and nagged him but nothing changed. One day I just snapped, took the morning off work, packed up all of his stuff and took it into his work. I told him he couldn’t come home until he was prepared to change and act as if we were in things together. He was gone for three days. I tore my hair out and cried the whole time. Since he has been back things have changed. We now have a partnership and things are better than they ever have been. It’s a shame I had to take such drastic action to effect a change but because he saw I was prepared to lose everything, he took me seriously. I got to the stage where I would rather have been alone than put up with things as they were. I hope things improve for you, hon. Thinking of you.
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Maman: it’s OK, I didn’t post this to get advice.
anna: I do that. Or rather, I don’t do that – ask for help. Not regularly. Not clearly. I SUCK at that.
Sodapop: thanks babe – it’s not even an “if I’ll stay” – I will. It’s more “HOW do I accet this?”
Turnbaby: I love the jigsaw analogy. So true.
Lynnie: that’s just one of the reasons why I don’t want to threaten anything in a desperate attempt to get him to change.
kateanon: “There is no easy answer, there are only the solutions you can live with” – exactly.
fiwa: thank you. And yeah, the comments have pretty much run the entire spectrum, haven’t they?
Jennifer A: I don’t think there is ever an ‘easy’ answer when it comes to relationships.
Anissa@Hope4Peyton: oh man, I swear I am not always this morose! LOL
Stephanie: “the absolute blank that I sometimes feel from his side.” I know that feeling.
Fantastagirl: a couple of things -
No, hasn’t been the same industry. I’m accurate when I say, different jobs – same issues. I’m really not some bitchy wife saying “why do you have to work?!?!” – not that you’re suggesting that, but I get that feeling sometimes from people who don’t know the whole story.
And I absolutely am not expecting to get my answers from the Internet. That’s not why I posted this. At all.
Also, I have NO intentions of kicking his ass out.
What I was trying to say with this post is that *I* know that *I* have to find a way to make peace with this how it is, and *I* am scared because *I* don’t know if I have what it takes to do that.
Angel: thanks hon. This right here is what I was trying to say:
“Accepting something painful isn’t easy and I won’t pretend it is. It’s damned hard”
eggy: I am really confused by your comment. Are you refering to my addiction to cigarettes?
None of these “feelings” are new.
Selma: yeah, I don’t have the monumental fear of being alone that some people seem to. I’m so glad you got to a better place with your husband. You deserve it.
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Is counseling a bad word? I am just thinking here…you (if you haven’t already) will eventually reach the point of apathy. Something inside you just “clicks” and you suddenly don’t give a sh– about the marriage.
You then do the next step which is the divorce….then the single stage which can be fun at times and exhausting at others…At some point you find yourself in a relationship with someone else. But know what? HE has flaws too…..maybe not the same ones but flaws none-the-less.
I am NOT saying you shouldn’t divorce him. I’m saying NOT NOW. GIVE THIS MARRAGE everything you’ve got first. You have 8 years and 2 kids invested here.
Go to a Counselor.
Tell Jerod you are at the point in the relationship where you are ready to throw in the towel but you don’t WANT to, and ask him to go with you to counseling. If he won’t go, that makes a statement in itself. But YOU go anyway. You will learn so much about yourself and what YOU have done to allow the relationship to continue as it has.
Hopefully he will go too though, as ultimately that is what is needed to keep the marriage together. Perhaps the counselor can help you both realize the rolls you play in this marriage, and can bring to the table the work-a-holic ways he has….and how he can acknowledge and then change them. If not, if after some decent counseling, you still have this issue with him and he hasn’t changed and you know this is a deal breaker, then and only then find the divorce lawyer. But try the counseling first. At this point, you have nothing more to lose, and everything to gain.
Signed,
Been there, done that
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My apologies for my lack of clarity. Yes, I was referring to quitting smoking, and the flood of emotions that can be part of that process. Or at least it was true for me.
A funny post on my part, I started to respond to your post about 1PM, then had to leave suddenly when my friend arrived to go see a Willie Nelson concert. I returned about 12 hours later to finish the post, and never caught the ambiguity of the opening paragraph.
I know you’re not trying to have the “internet” solve your problems, but I applaud you for your frankness, and the conversation it has stimulated. This is quite a community that is responding, I’m sure glad I found you.
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Acceptance is soooo hard. And it can be painful in the process of finding that acceptance.
I have a pretty little magnet with the Serenity Prayer on it. I’d like to send it to you. If you’d like it, email me your address.
God (or if you are not a believer – you can leave that out)
Grant me the serenity to a accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
That prayer has gotten me through a lot. Some days I force myself to say it, just because in the long run, it helps me.
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I lived this same life. I let go a long time ago by reasoning it this way: I either live the live I have, with the added presence of my loving, wonderful and completely not replaceable husband, or I live life alone. Either way, I’m doing it all. I would much rather do it with him here, and so I consider him a bonus. With him, I am doing it all with a living, breathing person who is my companion. Alone, I will still work just as hard, and feel emptiness. No thanks, I’ll stay right here.
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Oh, and I feel I should add..it’s not a fear of being alone. I parented alone for 6 years, and was very satisfied with my life. Now that I met this man, however, I would never want to live my life without him in it. The positives by far outweigh the negatives.
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Oh, did I mention the part about my daughter having cancer and I often get on rants on my own site that if any given random day you were to stumble across me you’d run screaming for a xanax? Yeah. Good times.
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Sorry to read about this. I have similar issues in my marriage so I can understand.
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I’m sorry you’re having to live through this. I hope you’re taking the advice you hear in the comments with a grain of salt; we’re all talking from our world view and it may not work for you. But with that said, here are MY views.
)
Let me paraphrase Roseanne Barr, who said no one gives you power — you just take it. You certainly can’t control what your husband does. You can’t make him pitch in (which I think he should). He’s decided that if it’s getting done, it won’t be by him. But you can control your own actions. There is where your power lies.
You can stew in resentment OR change things. It doesn’t sound like you want a divorce, so I’d change the things that are grinding on your nerves. I’d drop off the laundry at a cleaners, bring in a maid service for the house, and get on with enjoying the rest of your day — even if that means you eat Hamburger Helper and bargain-bin macaroni and cheese that month in order to afford the help. Ditto for errand running; there are services and people who’d do that for a fee. If Mr. Workaholic-at-the-Office-But-Not-at-Home complains about the cost, you could sweetly discuss how you BOTH could reassume the home chores to save money. With him going first, of course.
And if that makes me sound like I’m being a bad-ass about men, that’s not my intention. Your hubby has chosen as an adult what he will and will not do. He’s made his priorities clear, and the things that *you* believe are necessary for a happy, healthy, safe, and clean home are either not necessities in his mind or he’s just decided it won’t be him doing them. So you, equally an adult, can choose what *you* will and will not do. Doing his share of the home chores doesn’t sound like it’s working well for you. (It wouldn’t for me either.)
You’re letting him make the decisions and trying to change his mind or his actions, rather than being a decision-maker yourself. You just need to decide for yourself what you’re willing to put up with. I don’t recommend the grin-and-bear-it approach. It’s very hard for that not to foster resentment in you.
I know it sounds easy for me to say all this. Maybe you can’t afford my solution. (I couldn’t either.) But maybe this will help you think creatively about a different way to approach this. From a position of personal power, rather than as a supplicant to someone who should view you as an equal partner.
Hugs. And for the tsk-tskers in the comments who preach about your Christian duty, they need to look up the verse where they’re supposed to “cherish their wives,” too. Funny how selective the patriarchial folks are when they’re scanning their good book for “helpful” verses. If he’s not cherishing you by doing his share at home, then cherish yourself by finding a more palatable solution. :peace:
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I sometimes wonder if there really is such a thing as a marriage that is a complete partnership. I know that we don’t have it: I have accepted my husband’s flaws and it is one of the reasons we will never have children (even though I had mostly come to this realisation before I met him). I could not have children as well as have him to look after or I would have to kill him.
I think that women tend to demand more of ourselves in a relationship. We’re still trying to be the perfect wife/mother/worker/cleaner/cook/accountant while expecting our partner’s to be “manly men” and just bloody well step up to the plate. They on the other hand only see that they are laid back and happy and all the work gets done somehow…
And of course this does not mean ALL women and ALL men – just a generalisation based on my own observation. As a woman, of course
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New commenter here, but I just wanted to chime in and say that I’m sending you my thoughts of support and encouragement.
I lived in a similar situation where I was doing all of the grunt work of the home and child-rearing while it seemed my husband thought his only responsibility was to work a job. It was frustrating as hell, but I think a lot of this had to do with his upbringing.
It might be helpful to remember that a lot of guys in their 30s & up were raised in homes where the mothers were in the more traditional roles (think Carol Brady or Mrs. Cleaver). For my ex-husband, that’s all he knew, so that’s how he thought it was supposed to be.
Trying to reprogram a lifetime of a way of thinking is no easy task.
We divorced for different reasons, but looking back now I wish I would’ve been a little easier on him at times. He didn’t need another mother, that’s for sure, but he also wasn’t completely trying to be an asshole on purpose.
I hope I can remember these kinds of things if I ever get into another “domestic” relationship with someone…that it’s a give & take and that everybody has a whole set of baggage they bring with them…even something as seemingly trivial as how they were taught to take out the trash.
Anyway…my .89 cents worth (.02 adjusted for inflation).
Sending you a big hug and well wishes from Nashville.
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Wanna know what I did? I’ll tell you and you can use it or don’t. I stopped doing it all. For one, I just couldn’t do it all anymore because of my health. Yeah, the house fell apart a little, but you know what? He picked up the slack. He does the dishes. I can’t remember the last time I did the dishes. The kitchen is his domain. By that I mean, he does all the cooking, he does the dishes, he does the grocery shopping and he cleans the kitchen. He also helps with the rest of the house and the laundry. I know I have it good. I know it because it hasn’t always been this way.
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Having the hindsight of your latest post, I know not to give advice (not that I had any, but still). I just want you to know that I’m listening and I care. :hug:
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It might have been said already but if not, IT’S JUST IN THEIR GENES. Most of them don’t get it and never will and that’s why we’re the strong ones because we’re the ones who have to learn to deal with the turbulance or jump out of the airplane without a parachute.
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Man, I didn’t even get through half the comments. Seems too many of us could have written this post. I have a really lovely husband compared to most of my friends and yet things in our household are not equal. He is aware of it too and not sure how to change it either, largely because I AM A CONTROL FREAK. I discovered very early on that if I want something done right, it’s just easier to do it myself. Except that I am doing it for six people. Something’s gotta give. I know you’re not looking for advice, catharsis is what blogging is all about. But as you told me, the comments are what keep us from talking to ourselves. Good luck!
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Hi, sometimes it is important to listen to someone because, just maybe, they walked in some shoes you haven’t – and thank goodness, you haven’t. My husband and I didn’t agree on everything – sometimes we were cross. I am 46 – we were together 20 years – he died.
I know you have no emotion for this, for you do not know me. But, you have emotion for your husband.
Love and keep loving (as you said) all that is good in him. Find a way to make the other parts work for both of you. I am sure, if you ask him – he will join up with what is frustrating you and be a partner. Don’t blog about him. He is sacred. Give him the respect he deserves as you also do. Love each other and never let another opinion of someone ELSE influence your love.
You love him
period!
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:hug: to Laurie
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I know you’re probably going to laugh at me when I say this Britt but I understand completely where you’re coming from. Being unable to live without someone, yet knowing that they won’t change is the hardest thing ever.
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I’m a first time reader…this post was featured on Marriage Hacks/League of Extraordinary Wives and I can relate. I read through all the comments and wanted to add one thing…
I used to feel really resentful until I came to terms with two things:
1. My husband shows his love for me and our children by being an extremely hard worker.
2. I needed to change my attitude. Once I adopted the attitude that everything I do is to BLESS my family, I became at peace with it. I dislike cooking and HATE cleaning up and so I used to grumble and complain about it all the time. It kinda consumed me to be honest. But now I truly don’t mind because I am cooking the meal to nourish my family and cleaning up is just part of it. Once I changed my attitude and stopped complaining, I felt MUCH better about it. And my husband started doing more too.
I’m adding you to my reader because I appreciate your honesty.
The bottom line is if you love him, NEVER give up.
Best wishes!
Lucky
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What does this part mean:
***I know that his goodness is bigger than the long nights alone without a phone call. ***
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