No? Well. Lucky for you then that BUG-EYED BLOG: Pissers and Shitters.”B.E. Earl linked to his own pee pee story yesterday in the comments.
(Quick aside: My dear, sweet editors at that very wholesome site that I somehow wormed my way into posting on – I humbly apologize for choosing today to link to you.)
Anyway. Back to the story about rampant urination.
I was roughly 183 months pregnant with Devin. Or so.
Jared had been drinking, heavily I presume, because that is what good father’s do when their 19 year old girlfriends are knocked up. Or so I’ve heard.
ANYway – Jared had been drinking and now the two of us were passed out in bed. Well, one of us was passed out and one of us was trying to figure out how to get some sleep while being attached to a 183 month pregnant belly.
I had just finally fallen asleep when I heard it.
I thought I was dreaming at first, about waterfalls or leaking faucets. Or my water breaking. Or – shit! shit! My eyes flew open in fear as I realized the sound I was hearing in my sleep was probably my body’s way of telling me that I was peeing! In bed! Crap! Crap!
I sat up and frantically groped for my crotch.
Hmmm… nothing.
I realized I was alone in the bed. “Jared? JARED?!?!” I started to panic. There’s something about waking up alone unexpectedly that is absolutely terrifying when you are 183 months pregnant.
“WHAT?” I heard his voice, obviously annoyed with me for screaming.
“Jared? JARED?!?!” I hollered again.
“WHAT!?!?” more annoyance.
“Where are you?”
“I’m going to the bathroom! JEEZ!”
And suddenly I realized that his voice was not coming from the bathroom. Instead, it was coming from the walk in closet we shared that was a mere 6 feet from the side of the bed. I also realized that I was still hearing that constant flow of water.
“Jared, what are you doing?”
“Britt! I’m trying to take a piss! OK?” his annoyance had morphed into full on frustration.
I threw back the covers and heaved myself out of bed. I waddled over to the closet door as quickly as I could and turned on the light.
And there, in all his indignant glory, stood my soon to be babby daddy. Buck ass naked, penis in hand, pissing in the corner of the closet.
“Jared! What are you doing! Jared! Stop!”
He turned his head towards me, slowly. He narrowed his eyes and the disgust was evident on his face. “I am going to the bathroom, for God’s sake Britt.”
“Jared! You are peeing -”
“I know!”
“Jared, you are peeing in the closet!”
I could see his brain stop for a moment, his mouth still open to respond. He glanced down at the spot where he was STILL PEEING and seemed to be considering the validity of what I’d just said. He didn’t respond.
“Jared – ”
“What? OK! Jeez!”
And he stopped. Shook. Walked past me out of the closet. And flopped back down in bed.
I stepped into the closet to survey the damage and realized that he had not only peed in the closet, but that he had peed on MY side of the closet all over a stack of my maternity pants – a very small stack of maternity pants that represented the last bit of clothing that I could still squeeze my fat ass into.
“Jared!” I stormed out of the closet, “Jared! You peed all over my stuff! You peed all over the floor!”
No response.
“Jared?”
And I swear to heaven, he snored. SNORED at me!
“JARED!! Jared you just peed all over every pair of pants I owned! You were not in the bathroom! Do you get that?? JARED!!”
He grunted. And stirred a little. “Britt, I’m trying to sleep. Man…” and he rolled over and went back to sleep.
I shook him. I yelled his name. I bounced up and down on the bed as much as my grossly oversized body would allow. And nothing. The only thing that was going to wake that man up was – well, nothing I could think of. Except maybe a full bladder, obviously.
I had no choice. I could go back to bed and leave a puddle of urine soaking in my closet, or I could clean it up myself. I pulled out the pants and threw them in the wash, hauled out the carpet cleaner and somehow by the grace of God managed to get down on my knees and I scrubbed the floor.
And I wondered how in the hell I got to this place in my life where I was 183 months pregnant, cleaning up another person’s urine at the bottom of a closet the middle of the night.
God help me, this was before I married him.
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Friendly reminder, if you missed Avitable and I arguing about the death penalty last night, you can download it here.
You can also read my oh so sage advice on fashion and style on Blissfully Domestic (it won’t publish until 6am for those of you reading this beforehand.)
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Posted in Love and Marriage Tagged: embarassing stories, humor, Jared, marriage, peeing, relationships
Well, at least now I don’t have to worry that much about you finding out about me jerking off in your closet the other day.
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My husband pissed in the corner of our bedroom about two months ago. Except he chose a pile of nasty tshirts I’ve been nagging him to get rid of for a very long time. I totally won with the tshirts. They were in the trash six point two seconds after I screamed him awake. It turned out beautifully.
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I have walked in your pregnant soggy shoes. I was sooooo PISSED at him. Haha.
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awesome. just awesome. jared has gotta be proud today! (if it makes him feel better, i have a coworker who won’t touch hard alcohol because he peed on his parents curtains one vodka induced night. seems he thought they were on fire. hehe.)
one VERY drunken night i tried to crawl into the ex’s lap as he was sitting in the recliner. seems i didn’t want to wait for him to be done on the toilet, so i was gonna go on his lap? i still don’t understand that one. but one shout of my name and i was WIDE awake, even if my jeans were unzipped. :blush:
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Wait, is that wrong? Peeing in the closet? I thought everyone did that.
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:lmao: I have had 2 boyfriends do that very same thing! One peed in the SILVERWARE drawer, and another time he tried to do it in the microwave! It was like, he knew he had to lift up something (sort/ kinda/ not-at-all like the toilet lid), so instead he opened things! The other one peed all over the coffee table. I married that one, too.
I don’t know personally of any girls that have dropped trou and pissed in odd places (like closets, laundry hampers, etc), but I know of MANY more guys who have, whilst drunk.
What the hell is UP with that?!!! :crazy:
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I remember one time in college pissing into the sink while wondering why the damn urinal was so high off the floor. But, I’ve never just wandered into the closet and let er rip like that. That’s great!
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Pissed…
pardon the pun.
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Wow. So I take it this is NOT just something that happens very rarely? Because I had one pee in the oven – and pull out the rack beforehand. Same “it must be the toilet seat” theory.
This is interesting….
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My husband has done this, except it was in the kitchen, on my freshly purchased groceries sitting on the floor. From that day forward, I never put off putting the food away after a late night of shopping.
Oh and I pee’d once in my (then) infant sons dresser drawer. All over his sweet little clothes. Then I stood up, tripped over the shorts on my ankles, hit my face in the carpet and passed out like that. They found me like that the next morning. There is way too many pictures od my birthday that year.
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I once knew a girl who pissed in her roommate’s clean laundry. Another time she shit on a guy’s chest. That chick was from back country and could chug a beer in 6 seconds. Go Jared! YEE HAW!
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:lmao: The other responses are killing me!
I forgot the time we had a party, and one of my husband’s friends opened our crisper drawer in the fridge and peed all over my freshly purchased vegetables. THEN they thought they could just clean them off and stick them back in there! :slaphead:
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Thank You for making my day, I spent a very unproductive day at work reading all the posts from your comments today, and that was one of my favorites! I think you topped it.
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Rott hasn’t peed in the closet. He has peed on the side of the house while sleepwalking after passing out drunk. Okay, the house, the car, the neighbor’s car, the neighbor’s flowers, in the cat’s water dish, in the bathtub, in the street… and, apparently, he did worse in his 20’s before I met him. Ah, men and their beer that must be let out of their bladder. Such great blog fodder!
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This would be the part where I’d point and laugh because, ya know, I’m an awesome friend like that and all.
But my dog just peed on a corner of my bed so I spent a good part of yesterday bitching and cleaning. He’s 12, he does this for revenge. Forget to walk him when you promised him too and suddenly he pees on your bed. Right before you go to sleep. At this point I can rest assured that at least I raised him well enough to take revenge, I didn’t didn’t think it was going to be on me. :dunce:
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My husband’s college roommate not only pissed in the middle of their dorm room floor on one such drunken night, he then proceeded to start jerking off. So foul.
I just threw up in my mouth.
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Glad I could be of service!
PS – looks like the link you provided up top there isn’t working.
PPS – I just like saying Pee Pee Ess. Hehehe.
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ohmyJEEZUS! So, my first husband… again, drinking one night when our boy was teeny, and he got out of bed, and instead of going to the bathroom connected to our room, he walked out the door and down the hall. I waited a minute, thinking he was maybe getting something to drink, but didn’t hear the fridge open. Being obviously curios, I got up and walked down the hall, to find him holding the trashcan lid up like a toilet lid, pissing into the trash can. I was all, ‘what are you DOING??’ and he like suddenly ‘came to’ and looked at where he was and what he was doing and just started LAUGHING. No pause whatsoever!
I still think it’s funny as shit. HOWEVER. Jared sucks. Being that pregnant? That bites.
xo
b.
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At least he shook. Ya know?
And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve grabbed at my crotch frantically in the middle of the night. Did I just really type that?
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At least it wasn’t a number two. Now that would’ve been nasty. :wha:
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I’m kind of sad that I don’t have a funny pee story to share.
What was Jared’s reaction when you confronted him?
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Apparently, when I was like eight or something, I got up, walked into the kitchen, opened the fridge and dropped trou. Thankfully, my mother was awake and watched me walk into the kitchen and was able to stop me before the seal was broken.
And now, I have to thank you. For the last year, at least once or twice a month I get a google search hit for “my wife peed herself” or “my husband peeing”. NOW I know what they’re looking for, and can direct them accordingly. Thank you so much Britt.
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haha, and I thought my ex was the only one. They must be related.
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Now we now where Karl got his inspiration from.
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Bwah ha ha ha ha! I just spewed my tea reading this…..
Worst thing my Hubs ever did was be a lazy asshole and make me do all the cooking and cleaning when I was 183 months pregnant! But then, don’t they all do that anyway?
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While my husband never peed in the closet, we’ve had damn close calls where he almost whizzed on the bed because he thought he was in the bathroom.
You actually got to sleep while pregnant? I was camped out in the bathroom waiting on the all-day sickness or the sudden urge to pee which gave me .1 seconds warning before letting loose.
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avitable: *sigh* I hate you.
Pamela: I think they call that Karma, yes?
Little Miss Sunshine State: oh, my sister.
hello haha narf: thankfully Jared has not repeated that particular indiscretion. He just finds new ones.
Karl: it sounds like a lot of you bastards do.
Sybil Law: I don’t know if it’s because it’s EASIER or what – but yeah, men seemed much more inclined for that type of thing.
Jay: at least the sink came with it’s own water supply to clean it out!
AmyD: I couldn’t even wake him up to kick him out of the house!
Britt’s Mom: I remember that story. hehehhe
melanie: oh no! I can’t even imagine how you must have felt when you came to!
Karen Sugarpants: oh. oh. ew. ew. ew.
Sybil Law: new fridge! new fridge!
Mary: he he he he – thanks, and you’re welcome.
Winter: oh we won’t even get INTO Jared’s obsession with peeing outside.
Sarah: and you can’t even make the dog clean it up!
SportsFan’s Daughter: you know, that’s more common then you would think. Sadly.
B.E. Earl: fixed it!
just beth: being that pregnant DOES suck. Bad. Jared? Was sufficiently embarassed the next morning.
Undomestic Diva: that’s true, I mean, we’d hate to have drippage in bed.
Selma:yeahhhhhh… I’m not sure that we would be married. I don’t do well with poop.
Maria: a mixture of embarassment and defensiveness. LOL
SciFi Dad: great. Now I’m going to be the pee queen of the Internet.
Lauren: I forgot my little brother used to do that when he was young – and obviously sober.
NYCWD: apparently. Although, Karl took it quite a few steps.. uh.. further.
blondefabulous: oh no, now, see, THAT would have been grounds for a serious fight. With shanks and stuff.
Marissa: a friend of ours had a run in with the whole “mistaking a bed with your spouse sleeping in it for a bathroom” bit. Not pretty. Funny as hell – but not pretty.
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Haha. Alcohol. The fuel of all foolishness.
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When I was 18 I had way too much to drink and I peed all over the sidewalk in front of my boyfriend’s house. Not only was it in front of his house, it was on front of 10 of our closest friends. My boyfriend got a garden hose and hosed me down until I was beyond soaked. Everyone got a huge laugh at my mortified expense.
I’m not proud of that moment….
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Bwahaha! You made me laugh today!! Thanks Britt…
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The guy I dated in college thought he wandered down to the bathroom in his dorm one night to pee. I heard him right outside his dorm room door… peeing on the neighbor’s door. To this day he denies it, but hell he was drunk and thought he was in the bathroom. I was sober and mortified.
I rest my case.
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Oh my Lord. So, you know you have to tell us what happened the next day, when he woke up, and you told him what REALLY happened, right????
Thank God I have never peed anywhere I’m not supposed to. But my husband??? I don’t even want to go there.
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I think I would have plopped my big, fat pregnant ass up and down on the bed until he woke up and cleaned that shit himself. Or just screamed bloody murder. I was not in a good mood when I was pregnant.
On the evening of Mister’s bachelor party, I came home from my bachelorette party to find him asleep. On the floor. In the bathroom. With his pants around his ankles. He’d passed on the toilet and fell off. :dunce:
Men are charming creatures. More so when they drink.
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I can not believe you cleaned it up!!!
Pregnant.
I would have totally left it.
But I am a bitch like that.
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And I thought it was bad when I found MM peeing on the hearth where the wood stove is, I still make fun of him for that. This is way worse and much funnier. If I told my story on my blog he’d cry.
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Ha! A very similar thing happened to me & my now husband when we were in college. The main differences are I wasn’t 183 mo. pregnant & was probably drunk as well.
After a night of binge drinking our sophomore year, I woke in the middle of the night to a “tinkle” sound in my boyfriend’s room. I see the boy standing in front of his bookshelf with his pants pulled down, peeing on his textbooks. I screamed at him to stop. He stopped and wondered back to bed. We hadn’t been asleep that long…we had been pretty wasted…it was all so surreal… we both just passed out. The next morning he didn’t remember a thing & to this day he refuses to believe that this ever happened.
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I shared a room with my sister and then BIL at a horse show a few years back. He had WAY TOO MANY beers and in the middle of the night went and peed in the sink. Niiiiiice.
How’s your hair today?
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Alcohol can be bad news…LOL. I once peed on my front porch and I lived in an apartment complex. My husband STILL talks about that.
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Well, look on the bright side – at least it wasn’t shit…
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I literally laughed out loud – - in the office – - with a lot of echos! lol This was pretty damn funny! I had an ex that decided to take a leak… in my car, but thankfully in a fast-food cup. Oh, men! :secret:
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Pleased to say that I haven’t done THAT since I was a small boy.
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Oh, honey! Not only is that just friggin’ hysterical, but I can imagine the absolute rage you probably felt. My fervent wish would have been to rub his nose in it… literally!
OK, fine. I’ll do it. I’ll share my embarrassing pee story for all to read on my blog tomorrow. There. You’ve forced me to do it. Please let go of my arm, now. Enough twisting!
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What’s cracking me up even more is that almost everybody who commented has a similar story! And so do I! When i was in college, i was partying at a friends apartment, but this was when i still didn’t believe in drinking. Anyway, these 2 boys were passed out on the floor from Zima, and one of them “woke up” and wandered into the kitchen, and suddenly we hear the sound. My friend realized that he was peeing in her pots & pans cabinet! The boy came back into the living room and passed out again, and my friend was horrified. The next day, i helped her disinfect the cabinet and cover every inch in contact paper.
Or rather, Jester will!
Strangely enough, as much as i’ve been passed out drunk since those days, that’s one thing i have never done. When i do, i’ll let you know, though!
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i cannot believe you got down on the floor and scrubbed. you are a WAY WAY better woman than i!
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Apparently the peeing in inappropriate places thing is quite common. My man has never had this issue . . . that I know of. Something to look forward to!
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I’m afraid to go to sleep tonight. The best thing to do is to install a lock on my closet and put my favorite shoes up really high.
No kidding. If I can’t sleep I’m coming back here to stalk you all night long. I might even piss on Avitable’s side of the closet.
For fun.
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Once a drunk Marine buddy of mine got up in the middle of the night and pissed in his own open suitcase. Not quite as dramatic as Jared doing it on your clothes and the whole 183 month thing, but funny and Karmic as it was his suitcase. I myself am refined enough to save my drunk peeing until I could hop out of the car I was riding in and pee on a wall at a busy intersection. Not everyone can be as classy as me. Seriously, everyone told me so the next day.
FMD
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John: have you ever heard the Brad Paisley song, “Alcohol”? It says it perfectly.
Lisa: on the plus side, it was before the onset of YouTube and camera phones. Otherwise, you know that shit would have been all over the Internet.
Krystle: you’re welcome. Hope you do more of it!
Ms Batman: if you ask Jared about it in front of people, he will say “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t listen to her, she exaggerates.”
Robina: well, let’s just say he did NOT do the groveling he SHOULD have been doing.
Finn: yeah, why can’t they be more like us totally charming women?
themuttprincess: if it hadn’t been MY clothes in MY closet, I would have too.
Robin: thankfully, Jared is beyond crying at the thought of me using him for fodder.
Raychelle: oy, that sucks. Those damn things are EXPENSIVE!
Turnbaby: I think I would have preferred the sink.
Lynette: oh wow – you’re one of the rare women with this affliction, eh?
Robin: LMAO, that’s true.
Tink: oh ew, that’s still a little gross – but much more easily disposed of.
Freelance Guru: it is starting to sound like that makes you a rare catch!
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: YAY!! Can’t wait!
UnkeyMonkey Michael: oh no! In the FOOD section?? Not cool. Not cool at all.
(And yeah, what is with all this rampant urination??)
ali: I was 19 and less stubborn. Now I probably would have faced throwing out my clothes if need be and making him buy me more – just to prove a point.
Stacey: hold on to him!
Mocha: hahahahhaha – I hope you slept OK!
Fu Manchu Dad: you are, obviously, a perfect example of class.
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Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. It MUST be love if you actually got up and cleaned up after him.
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I’ve peed in a laundry hamper while asleep, it needed washing anyway
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I…
) 
can only sit here and laugh at the visuals I’ve got now embedded in my skull (tysvm
Seriously… even though I’m TYPING words … I’m, at a loss LOL
:clap:
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I remember this. In fact, I think I have recounted this story a few times to people I know that have husbands that do the same thing.
LOL!
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Now I’m slightly less embarassed to admit that my husband has peed:
in the camper sink,
in the corner of the bedroom (x2),
behind the dresser (yes, he even moved it first),
just outside the back door to our house.
It mortifies me to think that there are probably many more times that I don’t know about.
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Wait, doesn’t everybody have a sleep-peeing-in-the-closet story?
Or was that just me?
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