I used to think that I could change the world.
I believed in the power of words to change the way people think. I believed that compassion and persistence could alter people’s perceptions. I believed in a society that wanted to do the right thing.
I used to believe I could make a difference.
The realization that I can’t is crushing me.
I cannot make my husband see me. I have exhausted the limits of my vocabulary, and still I cannot forge a connection of genuine understanding. I have run out of ways to explain, and still I cannot see a light in his eyes when I speak to him.
I cannot make my best friend believe that everything will be OK. She reaches out to me, and my attempts to comfort and strengthen her continue to fall short. I am overwhelmed at how futile my words have become. Powerless. The words and I.
I cannot take the darkness away from her. I stand by and watch her stare into the valley, safe on the other side. Safe, and helpless. My experience has given me nothing that will make this journey easier for her.
I cannot give her peace. My empathy is useless in the face of her nightmares.
I cannot make him believe in the good in the world. My attempts to do so leave me feeling like a silly child with unrealistic ideals that hold no weight when compared to reality.
I cannot answer her calls for action. I am overwhelmed by my own inability to be the catalyst for good that she seeks.
There is so much, and I am so small. My inadequacies taunt me, laughing at my old optimism. I never imagined how big my own insignificance could be. I never considered that I would one day find myself completely ineffective.
My words are useless. My desires naive and empty.
I stood in the shower tonight and tried to cry. I imagined that the waters rushing over me would draw out the tears, and with them my soul would awaken and I would see what I have been missing. I would find the words that have escaped me. I pulled at my soul, begging it to come pouring out amidst grief and anger and desperation.
But I could not cry. Nothing flowed, nothing moved. The sweet hiss that signals the pressure release never came. And the water ran cold.
I used to think that I could change the world.
I know better now.
Posted in just rambling Tagged: words, writing
You did, however, give me wood.
And what did Johhny say in response?
Don’t say that, Baby. Don’t ever say that, MY Baby.
I believe that, online, we have only extremes. We see the worst experiences people endure and we see the best. And, 99% of the time we cannot be there to offer a hug or shoulder to cry on and neither can we be there to pop the cork on the champagne.
When people say “yes, but you just know them online” you have to, even in the back of your mind just a little, have to think, “yes, and that’s the bitch of it.”
Johnny might have had a point, but he’s not allll right.
You DO have an amazing ability to make a difference. Lets hope this feeling passes so you are able to continue to do just that.
Some days, it’s like shouting into a vacuum.
Well, changing the WORLD is a pretty lofty goal. I think you’ve changed my perception on a lot of different things, really. Or made me reflect on how I live my life sometimes, so that’s something!
Also, I am now scared of eggplant. That’s gotta count, right?
Just keep writing. I really believe you can change the world, with your writing.
We cannot change the world. We are the world. We only control how we react to the world.
Without you, we wouldn’t know Eye of the Tiger as well.
There is no spoon.
You most likely change people more than you know..
Don’t ever give up :o)
And then you picked up the phone when I called….
Our sphere of influence can be very small in a very big world, and the differences we make may seem inconsequential when juxtaposed against all the big shit out there. But really, we each make more of a difference than we know. Sometimes it’s just the simple fact that we made a crying child suddenly giggle and forget what made them cry. Those are not insignificant things, especially when you do those things on a regular basis. Don’t sell yourself short. Maybe there are big consequential things you want to make happen… and just can’t. It doesn’t negate all the small things that you do every day. Sometimes, life is in the details.
You are definitely NOT insignificant!
You do what you can, when you can. The point is that YOU DO GIVE of yourself, and some people don’t even do that.
You’re way ahead of the game!
Drinks on me on Monday…mmmkay?
Shash
You can always just save a tiny piece of the world. I think you have it in you.
Sweetiekins, changing the world is a little lofty…Being yourself and being a good person is enough…trust me. :) I find that it’s the little things that are of more substance than doing big all the time…
You’re awesome…that’s enough for me :)
I get what you’re feeling. God, do I.
But.
Maybe your words can’t do just exactly what you wish they could do every time, but they damn sure make a difference. I’ve read things here that make me know someone else understand. The human in me craves that, needs that. Every email you’ve sent me has changed my life in some way, even if it was just to show me you cared.
And that makes all the difference.
i don’t know if it’s about changing the world, Britt. that’s too tall an order for anyone, and you will always feel like a failure if this is your standard.
all you can do is change you, if something about you in fact needs changing. and maybe what needs changing is your sense of responsibility for others? that you have to smooth over, make things right or deliver them? because it really doesn’t work like that; people go through things for a reason, particularly trials — and that’s how they grow. lots of times when they do grow, they grow themselves right out of our lives, into the next lesson.
one of OUR lessons, i think, is to learn how to let people go without feeling we’ve failed them somehow, and to be okay with it everything just as it is.
olive you.
Fuck, I feel like slitting my throat now. Thanks for that.
the problem too with words is that even if you think it´s the most effective thing you could ever say and should hit home, the person hearing them might not even hear what you wanted to transmit. that´s the bitch of communication.
You’re right — you can’t change the world.
But you can make it a better place. And you do.
Honestly…? I’m staggered a bit by the context that links me. Say WHAT??
We may not change the world, but we sure give it a run for its money!
You do not need to change the world Britt, you just need to make sure that the world does not change you.
I dunno, I think if you can make even a small difference in one person’s world, that counts in a big way. Like, you can’t take on all of those weighty things at once, and that’s overwhelming, but start small.
What? Not helping? Sigh. Sorry. I do feel ya.
Be the change you want to see in the world. I’ve come to realize that it’s small things and rising above it all that make a difference. I still have hope.
Unless you folks decide to elect McCain. Then we’re all fucked.
I don’t think you should undervalue what you do give to people. Your caring and compassion means more to most people than you give yourself credit for.
I think we all have idealistic goals when we’re younger that we’re somehow going to make the world an beautiful utopia. As we get older we realise the reality of that dream - but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to keep trying right?
This may sound corny or cheesy, and will likely induce more than a few eye rolls from the more cynical out there, but you already have changed the world, and will continue to do so long after you’re gone.
You have brought two children into this world, and are raising them to be the best people they can be. And great people do great things, so even if you were to stop doing anything now, you would still change the world by your children and the things they will do.
As parents, sometimes we can feel like our family-centric perspective prevents us from tackling the world’s bigger problems. But the reality is that by focusing on our own house, we are preparing more people for the task of changing the world.
(OK. After I reread what I wrote, I feel like it sounds like I’m drunk. I’m not. Somewhere in there is a coherent thought; I swear.)
Baby, you can’t solve everything for everyone and boy, do I know how I wish you could.
But sometimes the point of it all is just to BE there with people when they’re going through stuff.
We all have our own stories - not as you or I might script them were we given the chance, but our own nonetheless.
And “just being there” is the hardest part of all.
Which you do very very very well.
And that makes all the difference in the world.
I love you, Peanut.
You do make a difference - maybe just not in the way you would like to or that you think needs to be made.
YOu have made a difference in my life just by having your blog here and posting your honest thoughts, feelings and experiences.
YOu reach out and touch many hearts and lives.
Do what you can, every day, just a little at the time. You do a lot for others simply by being yourself in this space.
Your Mum is right. Being there for people, being the type of person who would drop things in an instant for people she cares about, standing up for what you believe in, honesty, compassion - these are all agents for change. Knowing someone is there for you can change many people’s perspectives quite significantly. I believe the world is changed through little steps, not big ones. And that’s what you’re doing.
My words are useless. My desires naive and empty.
Quite the opposite. Your words are inspiring. Your words, you thoughts and your emotions spilled out on canvas for the world to see.
It makes me want to be a better person. Thank you for that.
of all the people i know, YOU are NOT the one with words which are useless. my dear britt, you will never know how powerful your words truly are. i’m incredibly thankful i found this site, and you. believe it or not, you make a difference. whether it is making me laugh or cry or think, your words without a doubt have a strong and meaningful impact. and i know i am not alone in that thought.
no one can fix and make perfect everything wrong with the world and with our friends. the important part is you do actually help make it better. and better is good.
You have already done SO many things to change the world. When I was born (a Godzillion years ago) ‘ladies’ were taught to accept the world. You have firm beliefs, and you relate them very eloquently. YOU make people think! We stand in front of classrooms every day trying to get people to think, and you DO it every day! Please don’t stop believing. I don’t even know you, yet I admire you.
Also, SciFi Dad is exactly right.
Muahaha… that is the greatest validation of my “act” I’ve ever gotten!
You may not be able to change the world, to make it everything it should be, because some things are just completely out of anyone’s control. But you do make living in the world that much brighter. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Britt,
look how different we are, yet you pulled me in and had me coming back day after day to see what YOU have to say again!
I love your words, the witty humor, your DEEP compassion for ALL people…
It’s brilliant and so refreshing!!!
You made a difference in my life just by saying “yes” when I asked to get together in “real’ life. Do you know what that meant to me when everyone else who are supposedly friends have left the scene w/ no fingerprints when my life was turned upside down?
So stop it! Your an amazing woman and keep saving the world, one step at a time!
You cannot change the entire world, but you can change your corner of it. I know this to be true. Your presence, your energy and your caring do make a difference. You may not be able to see it right away but it’s there. One day you will see it: When your son stands up for someone who cannot stand up for themselves or when your daughter gives her only dollar to a homeless person.
The butterfly beats its wings and we see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing. But later, an ocean away, a hurricane forms, a hurricane that started with the tiny breeze the butterfly made.
You are the butterfly, babe
.
Honey, you don’t change the world, you just have to deal with your corner of the universe. What you need to do is laugh a little each day, instill values in your children, give them and your friends and family tons of love, and get yourself a pedicure now and then. If we would all just raise our children with lots of love and no hate, we could change our world within one or maybe even two generations. I know, it won’t happen any time soon, but you can start with yours.
I love you. Do what you can. Don’t change the world. Just take care of you.
You alone cannot change the world, but you can be a catalyst for change. You CAN use your words spread kindness and hopefully others will follow suit.
Sorry you are feeling this way today, but things aren’t always what they seem. See RW’s comments above. Well played, RW. Well played, indeed.
You’re being entirely too hard on yourself. You can’t put it on yourself to make everything alright for everybody. It’s impossible.
But, that doesn’t mean you haven’t made things better in some way for a lot of people. You just can’t make things perfect.
avitable: pfft. A stiff breeze gives you wood.
Britt’s Mom: can I tell you how much I love that you caught that reference?
AmyD: I don’t really expect to change the Internet.
But there are people who are more than “online” to me.
Kimberly: well, I felt much better about 4 hours after writing this actually, thanks to someone mentioned here, oddly enough.
Ms. Karen: yeah, exactly. UGH I hate that dream.
Sybil Law: I am saving the world from Eggplant. There is that. LOL
whall: We arrrre the world. We arrre the Children.
Fuck. I’m going to be singing that all day now.
little_lj: that might be true. I’m sure it is. But it seems like the ways you DON’T help are the most glaringly obvious some days.
Lisa: and you made my whole night. I’m still grinning at you.
Winter: yeah, I think it’s perspective. Definitely.
Shash: LOL, deal. You are too sweet. Can’t wait to meet you!
Mrs. G.: I think I could live with that. ;-)
Robin: is it too lofty? I know it sounds crazy. I KNOW.
But it happens sometimes, you know?
Thank you though. Truly. You’re amazing.
Sarcastic Mom: I do care - I’m glad you know that. But I want you to have more than that - I know now what more than that feels like, and I cannot wait for you to be over here on the other side with me. You deserve that.
Crys: you know I love you. I do. Hugely. And a lot of what you said here is right on.
But that “growing out of our lives” part? That hurts. Like hell.
Karl: heh. Sorry about that.
Blue Streak: aint that the fucking truth.
Dawn: hmm - I’m not sure I do, really. Maybe though. And thank you. Truly.
And I don’t know why I’m talking like I have a syndrome of some kind.
RW: you cannot be surprised that someone like me doesn’t handle cynicism well. Seriously?
blondefabulous: hahahaha - that’s great.
DeannaBanana: someone needs to say that at a graduation ceremony. Wow.
Meg: no, no, that perspective is always helpful. :-)
Nat: aint THAT the fucking truth.
Princess of the Universe: I don’t want to get old and crotchety!!!
SciFi Dad: you don’t sound drunk or cheesy. I feel like I’m constantly thinking about what I’m sending out into the world via how I’m raising my kids.
Britt’s Mom: I love you too, Mama.
Kate: oh crap. Now THAT is going to make me cry.
Karen Sugarpants: you are so amazing. You do so much, and you never seem to get tired. I am in awe of you.
Selma: I love knowing that you are older than me and still optimistic and happy and believe in the good.
Heather: there is not a fitting response to that.
Thank you, Heather. Truly. Thank you.
hello haha narf: I can live with better.
(And I love you. We need to plan our next get together.)
Been there, Done that: thanks. I think it’s easy to take for granted making people think. That’s a good reminder.
RW: I am mentally stabbing you in the head right now.
Just so you know.
:-P
Mrs. Schmitty: when I die, they are going to put “she shouldn’t have been so hard on herself” on my tombstone. LOL
misi: I will allow you to reserve permanent judgement until after we have actually met. LOL
Finn: but I live in the hurricane state!! I want to see the damn hurricane!!!!!
Um. Wait. No, no I don’t. Never mind. Point taken.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: I love you too. Sweet thing you.
Jen: “You CAN use your words spread kindness and hopefully others will follow suit.”
That would be so much more than enough for me.
B.E. Earl: well, technically, I was feeling this way YESTERDAY.
Don’t tell anyone - but I’m doing much better today. Heh.
Jay: is that a challenge???
No, no, I know. I know. In my head I know.
But wouldn’t it be AWESOME if I COULD???
Hun, you may not be able to change the world.
BUT you can change the lives of the people around you.
Think smaller. I know, I know… Seriously, you can make a difference. Just do it on a different scale than you were thinking….
I sometimes wonder if no one reads my blog because it ISN’T drama all the time. The posts that are drama usually get over 20 comments. People love other people’s drama, and no single person can change the world. We are who we are, people are who they are. It’s people who are capable of extreme empathy, like you and I, who care the most, and yea, sometimes it sucks. But we just keep going, just keep trying, and just keep being the best WE can be.
Hey Everyone,
Britt is feeling much better today!
I think you misunderstood my comment. We both know that some things are more than online. But, maybe I should have implied the distance more.
The bitch about caring about people that you have met online and gotten to know intimately so that it has gone beyond just “online” is that we don’t get normal day-to-day stuff, we get extremes a lot, and that makes it hard. Like I said - you can’t be there to hug and you can’t be there to pop the champagne cork.
(and btw, your mom was not the only one who caught the reference!
)
This is a work of fiction.
You change the world everyday.
xoxo
Isn’t the whole point that you try? Yoda can’t always be right.
The world is what the world is. We can only change ourselves… and love our friends while they find their own way. But, it is entirely possible that your words have meant more to them then you realize. (Can’t help you with the husband part though… do husbands ever have “a light in their eyes”?)
Your words are not useless Britt. At the very least, your words comfort others in letting them know that they are not alone in dealing with the human condition.
You have changed my life with your words and I don’t even know you online or through my blog because I don’t have one. But reading your words, mean so much to me.
One day, when I was feeling mighty low, I saw in my comments a message from this girl named Britt. The comment was “Peace and Love. Just Peace. And love. ((Hugs))” It meant the world to me and see? I remember it word for word right now. You made me feel comforted.
So don’t you ever try to say that you are helpless or that your words are not enough.
New reader here. I just wanted to add to the friendly and supportive comments. I’m entertained and touched by your lightheated writing and moved by the serious pieces. You may not know the difference you make in someone’s life, but you do. Not every good effect has to be a hero swinging in on a vine to pull a victim from the quicksand — it can be as small as making someone’s lips quirk into a slight smile on a bad day, lightening the spirit that critical small bit. Every small bit of good you bring to the world matters.
And caring enough to try — even when it feels like you aren’t making a different (hell, even when you actually *aren’t* making a difference) is ennobling for your own soul. Despair passes. The goodness in you remains.
I don’t know you yet as a regular reader would, but you sound like the kind of person I’d love to know.
Peace to you. Or I’ll wish for you what a dear old friend of mine used to wish me when I was going through a rough patch: Shade and Sweet Water to You.
I like this post. I don’t have anything all positive and shiny to say in response. It’s kinda weird too because I’m usually all bubbly and stuff. I guess this time it’s just nice to sit with it. Know what I mean?
I hope you know that you are a VERY special person.
yeah, it does, it hurts a lot. i think it’s better to not fight it when it happens, though. i’ve done that in my life (fight it when i’m on longer “clicking” with someone) and that just makes everything worse.
lots of people have come and gone from my life, and though sad, i get through it more easily now.
Your individual actions may not make vast changes in the world or even with other people but knowing that there are people out there like you and feeling that connection from reading your words gives me hope and even a bit of faith. And without hope and faith there just isn’t anything else worth giving a fuck about, is there?
We may not see the changes… we may not feel the changes… but to the person’s we are touching… their lives are indeed changed by our presence.
For better… or for worse.
Hi there! You don’t know me, but somehow I discovered your blog and read it pretty much every day. So, I know for a fact that you are able to change people, their lives, and their thoughts. Your talent for writing is exceptional. You have always given me a smile, which I look forward to every time I click to your words. Tonight, however, you did even a more significant thing. You touched my heart and soul with your writing/ your words. Your last post gave me “feelings,” you put my soul into your head and heart. You were able to convey not only with your words - they they made me “feel” too. I say, be more of yourself and your writing. You had me gripped to your paragraph, and I thank you. You do make a difference. You are important, and your gift for speech, for thought provoking words, for laughter - is a true gift that lucky for all of us, you share! WRITE A BOOK! I will be first in line to say, I KNOW HER! Or, I wish I did! Have a great night,
Laurie
Ain’t gonna happen, miss-britt. HOWEVER…..after 44 years of marriage I realize that our female friends are the ones who fill that perceived need. I often say that, except for the sex, I can understand why women love each other because of the connection.
BUT, he has your back. He is the one I trust more than anything. He is the one who sits by my hospital bed after surgery to watch that I am still breathing. He cherishes me and puts me first above all. But, his eyes still glaze over when I try to explain how I feel. He treats me like I am a princess. So, girlie, I know that it is more than enough. Coming close to losing him, I look at him as much as possible, touch him when I can, hug all the time. My sister, who lost her husband, said, what she misses most is hugging him. My Mom said the same when she lost her husband. So, I immerse in hugs, and when I need to have someone “understand”, I go to my friends or my daughters. They get it, just ask your Mom!
:
Preachy-preachy, sowwy
We do make a difference. Sometime we notice. And sometimes we don’t. Sometimes it is the change we want it to be. And sometimes it isn’t. But the world is different because of us. We can try and make it count for more. But in the end the change is not what we hope but what we become.
Chin up.