There are two things you must know for you to full appreciate what I am about to relay to you:
1. I drive a red mustang convertible.
2. I am absolutely certain I look pretty damn hot in that red mustang convertible when I am driving it with the top down.
I left work yesterday at about 1:00 to meet the lovely Shash for lunch. The sun was shining and my hair was looking fabulous so I put down the soft top, put on my movie star sunglasses and cranked up the Prince CD.
God, I was glamorous. Seriously.
Right up to the point where I got stuck in a long line at an even longer red light. I hate sitting in traffic with the top down. I feel like everyone is staring at me and I’m not allowed to stare back because they can see me staring.
ANYway, I’m sitting at the light surrounded by cars that I imagine are filled with people gawking at my fabulousness. And while I can’t blame them, it makes me a little self conscious. Because I am humble like that. I begin to fumble with my iPhone as a means to distract myself.
Text. Text. Twitter. Twitter. Clear conversation. Text from Twitter again. Jeeezus, the people I follow have a lot to say at this exact moment.
HONK! HONK!
What the hell? I look up in my rear view mirror to find a full sized truck riding up into the ass end of my car and the driver laying on the horn. I look ahead of me to see - uh - nothing.
I am sitting in the middle of the road playing with my phone while the light has changed and every other car has driven through the light - except for the poor bastards sitting behind me.
Shit! Shit!
I drop the phone and pound the gas, flying up to the intersection. The light turns yellow. Shit! Shit! I have to get through this, this poor pissed off bastard is now going to have to sit through another - RED.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEACH!
That would be the sound of my tires as I realize there is no motherfucking way I am making it through this light. I come to stop just far enough into the intersection to potentially cause an accident. There’s no way to avoid it - the light is red red red and I am stopped stopped stopped.
I look in my rear view mirror and notice the full sized truck has stopped in plenty of time, leaving me ample room to put my car in reverse and sulk back behind the crosswalk line.
I wanted to die. I felt my face flush as I sat through the longest damn light in the history of traffic lights and wished I had left the cocksucking top up on this stupid car. I stared at the light and focused all of my Jedi mind power on making it turn green.
GREEN!
Thank you God. I pounded the gas again, desperate to flee the scene as quickly as possible.
What the fuck NOW?
Oh. Heh. Yeah. My car was still in reverse and I was now hurtling backwards, straight towards the front bumper of the now seriously annoyed driver I had already made miss one light.
I slammed on the brakes, threw the gear stick into drive and squealed through the intersection. Finally. I drove as fast as I possibly could down the street and whipped into the restaurant parking lot. I slunk low in my car and looked around for the monster truck that I was absolutely certain had not only been staring at me, but also swearing at my stupid ass. Loudly.
Needless to say, I put the top up for the return trip to work.
Posted in It's All About Me Tagged: driving, embarassaing stories, traffic
I can just picture your righteously indignant face, too. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Women drivers. ;-)
Wow, for someone that regularly curses the fuck out of strangers on the road, this is pretty ironic.
I kinda figured something of the sort was up when I saw your twats. Ah, well. It happens to the best of us, top up or down.
the “still in reverse” part got me giggling… other than that… totally normal story… I do shit like that more often than I’d like to admit
What are the odds that the guy has a blog and writes about this crazy bitch in a red Mustang convertible he had to deal with on the road today? :-)
I guess that answers my question. I’ve always wondered if you can put the top up while driving as long as you’re going slow? I’m sure if you could have … you would have. Of course, when you are going FAST, in REVERSE, towards a pissed off man in a truck … maybe it’s already too late!
My husband does not read blogs, so when I relayed the gist of this post to him it made me laugh the fuck out loud when he replied ” lemme guess, she’s a blond”
You know… this is the kind of bullshit that gives women drivers a bad name, right? I mean, that AND the freak-ass bitches who populate the school drop off zone with their Starbuck’s in one hand and their flitty wrist movements workng the other while all the other parents who have better things to do wait to drive through and drop their kids off…
Wait… now what were you posting about?
Best to put away the iPhone while you iDrive. You could wind up in an iAccident or get an iTicket. That would iSuck.
that seriously bites. you got distracted by your own fabulousness.
This would be the part where I say something snarky and laugh if I hadn’t just reversed into a PERSON while leaving work today. In my defense he knew I was going to back out and he chose to walk behind my car.
Are you Asian?
(Yes, I deserve a slap for that one.)
That is hilarious.
Ah, don’t sweat it. If I had a dollar for every time I did something idiotic in the driving department, I would actually be driving a Bentley instead of the Honda Civic I’m rolling in real life…
I’m going to have to say that, sucky as that might have been, that’s almost a universal experience (the car/distraction/light thing, not the “I’m hot in a Mustang”thing). Small solace, I know, but…
Although I would have LOVED to have hitched a ride in your brain for those few minutes, just to hear the crazed thoughts winging by.
i laughed SO loudly.
i have a mustang convertible too. i’ve been there. i feel your pain.
Long time reader, first time poster…and that was the friggin hilarious.
Laughing with you, WITH you.
Not AT you.
WITH YOU!
I don’t know if he was cursing at you near the end or laughing his ass off!
This is the part where I’m supposed to say something about women drivers, right?
…
Oh please! I’ve been married for five years, and before that I grew up with two sisters and no brothers. I’m not that stupid!
Put. The. iPhone. Down. And. Drive.
That is all
It is a lot of pressure to be so fabulous.
I can see why you panicked.
YOu’ll get used to it in time.
All those other people, they are just jealous.
avitable: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jay: UNITE!
Karl: I know, I know.
Winter: shhhhh, I did NOT immediately get back on my iPhone and twitter that!!
Rachel: not my finest hour.
Tori: oh not me. Ever. I am a perfect driver. Really. No, seriously. I AM!
Dave2: how sick is it that that is the FIRST thing I thought of?
Twenty Four At Heart: nope, you have to have the emergency break on and be in Park.
I seriously considered it while I was sitting there waiting for the light to change though.
bluepaintred: *sigh* I am so ashamed.
AmyD: I know. Not just women drivers, but stupid women in Mustangs.
B.E. Earl: iKnow.
Blue Streak: it happens.
Sarah: ha! That is WAY worse! Ok. Kind of worse. Maybe on par.
Howard: *slap* Feel better?
Selma: at least there is THAT.
manager mom: I need to find a way to get paid for idiot moves. I mean, aside from the blog.
Rich: winging by they were, too. LOL
Crys: mah sistah!
Peggy: and so, it was worth it.
Dawn: hehehehehe, it’s OK, you are. You really are.
Bucky: I’m gonna guess cursing.
SciFi Dad: smart man!
Lisa: oh you just hush.
Kate: Amen!
Ah,Britt….I understand. iPhones are like that. They are so easy to get lost in.
Humble pie is hard to swallow, but I think you took it well.
J.
keeeheeeheeeheeee
If I’d been in the car with you I soooooo would have laughed for way too long at you.
How was lunch?
This is what I have to look forward to, after I get my licence in September. =/
I was dying of laughter reading this, Britt. Seriously. I’m dead right now.
Thanks for the morning laugh to go with my coffee. Keep the top down, share your fabulousness with the world.
Hilarious!
Hmmmm, I thought I was the only one with Jedi mind power. We should totally start a club.
I bet the whole time he was like… I HOPE I have even a SHOT with that hot chick in that red Mustang…maybe if I honk she’ll notice me. I’ll even leave her room to get closer…oh look! she WANTS me, she’s backing up into ME!!!
…you probably broke his heart when you took off like that! ;)
But I’m glad you did, because it was a fantastic lunch. I had sweet dreams about that sandwich I had! :)
Must do it again before I go back to work on the 15th…ugh.
Shash
Too funny! Wait til you run into him again tomorrow!
LOL. Anyone slightly lower on the fabulousness scale would have gotten their ass kicked. : )
*snorts* The universe has a way of putting us in our place, no?
I am sure for the next several weeks anyway that you will be on the look out for that truck no? Thanks for sharing your not so perfect and glamourous moments.
I bet it won’t stop you from doing it again at another light you have the top down.
Ohhhhh, that was *YOU* yesterday!
;)
Dude, I’m surprised he didn’t follow you to the restaurant, all stalker like.
I’m pretty sure this is the first post that has made me simultaneously gasp and snort. I wish I had a badge to give you for this. This is SO painfully funny. Thank you for starting my day with it!
I just laughed and laughed all the way through this post.
Thanks!
I mean, what kind of tool are you? They’re all useful, you know. Like, for instance, you made me laugh and laugh and laugh. (Plus it takes balls to admit to being THAT driver. Which is funny, because I almost posted last night about some bitch in a freaking Mitsubishi who couldn’t drive and thought she was all cool. My fever won out and I went to bed instead.)
But thanks for the laugh. I needed it!
Holy Freaking Cow! This is the funniest thing I have read in so long!!! I love how you make me feel like I’m right there with you!!!!
LOVE IT!
Hee hee.
I know I’ve bitched about CA’s law about no cell phones while driving, but damn it, Miss Britt, you may have just proved them right.
This makes me really glad I do not have a convertable.
BWahahaha! Don’t you love how we have a way of humbling our own full-of-ourselves self? It happens to me all of the time.
Hilarious! Love it.
Wow. My face would have turned about 20 different shades from red to purple. Oops.
Oh, I was laughing at that one! The only thing better would be if he were having lunch at the same place you were. I get into trouble at long lights cause I always start reading and lose track of where I am.
Oh hell, Britt. I just about peed myself laughing at this post. Blonde in Red Convertible hurtling backwards toward angry man in Truck…totally will be in my head for days! Thanks for brightening an otherwise crappy day!
It’s hard to be cute AND a good driver. And really? Which is more important?
being the prince fan that you are, it should be a little red corvette.
ANYhow, i giggled myself silly here at my desk. when i should be working. awesome!
i’m just glad your lunatic self didn’t hurt yourself. sheesh!
the one thing i wanna know is…did you give the truck a wave and holler blessed be???!?!!!
Well… at least you didn’t smash his truck nuts!
HoosierGirl: heh, yes, well, thank you. If be ‘well’ you mean ‘with much blushing’.
Poppy: lunch was great!!
Lisa: I am dying at your comment.
Marsha: and my assholeryishness! (is a word!)
blondefabulous: heh. Mah bad.
Dragon: with SHIRTS!
Shash: it was a great lunch - thank GOD he didn’t follow me in there.
trishk: I am going to start wearing a disguise.
little_lj: then it was worth it.
John: well, thank goodness for my position on the scale then. I hate pain.
Finn: no shit.
Mindy: I thought I saw it after work actually and FREAKED.
themuttprincess: no, I have learned my lesson. PROMISE!
maggie, dammit: you read that guy’s blog, don’t you? Crap. Don’t tell him you know me.
Captain Steve: I would have shit. Seriously.
Tina: aww, you’re welcome. Although I kind of feel like I should give you some blog addresses that are much, much funnier than this.
Nahhhh.
Sybil Law: heh, yes, well - so you know how he felt.
Robina: the “like” is key. Because if you HAD been right there with me, I bet you would have wanted to shoot me.
Undomestic Diva: I wasn’t TALKING on it! I have bluetooth for that.
Robin: wanna borrow mine?
Queen of Shake Shake: I hope humble pie is carb free.
Although… that would explain my ass…
Ok, Where Was I?: thanks!
Kathryn: as did mine.
Mary Beth: you read in the car? Like.. books??
J…: any time!
Kimberly: I am torn on that.
hello haha narf: HELL NO I DIDN’T!! I tried really hard to pretend he wasn’t there.
NYCWD: no - there is that.
i have so done this. many times. only with me it’s in my less-than-glamorous civic.
Blogtations. You left a comment there and I found you and you seriously crack me up. Seriously. So glad I clicked!
I’m coming to Florida in Feb. to visit the parental units in Lakeland. I am so renting a convertable mustang!
Now that you’ve entertained me, put the phone down while driving. Really.
Too funny :) You need a Twitter time-out for that one.
LMFAO! I think I peed a little.
Ummm…oops? That was hilarious.
In the name of the Infinite! Why isn’t there a sitcom based on you yet?
Really?
Then you are a better person than I!!!
I’m guilty of this. Maybe not in a convertible, I don’t get to drive hubs’ 71 Buick GS convertible too often to be guilty, but I’ve done it in nearly every car I own.
Can I join you in the tool box? heh heh. Tool box.
Sorry, channeling 13 year old boys this afternoon.
I do this like every other day.
In my Accord.
That is awesome. I mean, horrible.
;}
OMG I would have DIED. You dork.
But - Shash made it all worth it, no? I LOVE her.
I don’t blame you. I blame Steve Jobs of Apple for creating the crack we all crave known as the iPhone. Wonder if you could sue Apple if you get in an accident??
Look at it this way - he probably had to go home and change his shorts after you scared him half to death by stomping on the gas while you were still in REVERSE! hehehe
Dang! That is just too mutha-fuckin’ funny! Thanks for the laugh and I’m sure when the guy in the truck stopped and thought about it, he was laughing hysterically, too.
Okay, you can even make driving sound glamorous. I hate you.
I really, REALLY can’t stop laughing. I’m sorry, I just can’t.
That scene is played and replayed a thousand times a day. I once got stuck behind a girl in a Honda Civic because she was playing with the phone.
I honked once. She gave me the finger and promptly backed into me. Sometimes Karma sucks, doesn’t it. ;)
Meh. Next time just show him our boobs.
Works EVERY time.
Or something.
And now I am the tool, because I forgot to subscribe.
Again.
Apparently I can’t remember to fucking subscribe ANYWHERE today.
Sorry.
And I meant to say “your” boobs, not “our” boobs. But I would have shown ‘em with you. Come pick me up, we’ll go for a drive.
ali: I would have KILLED for a civic at that moment. LOL
jennyonthespot: welcome to the party.
Summer: I highly recommend it. Although it might be a bit chilly in Feb.
Honeybell: yeahhhhh, I’m going to try that.
catnip: I so do, too.
sam (temptingmama): in my defense, you have a weak bladder.
Natalie: thanks
Freelance Guru: THAT’S WHAT I KEEP SAYING??!?!!
Doesn’t anyone here know a guy???
themuttprincess: well, there is that.
Sleeping mommy: you certainly CAN come sit in my tool box. Heh.
Aimee Greeblemonkey: does it get less embarassing with frequency?
Backpacking Dad: well HELLO!
And thanks.
(And I’m totally married, by the way. I’m not creepy slutty stalking you. Just OMG HIS SITE IS AWESOME creepy stalking you. Which is different.)
Karen Sugarpants: she did. She was FABULOUS.
Kevin: that thought crossed my mind. About 20 times.
Evil Genius: he hehehe, there is a possibility of that.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: that would be nice.
Cassandra Rae: ARE YOU READING THE RIGHT POST??
Girlfriend, you need to reassess your standards for glamorous.
Mrs. Schmitty: I forgive you
Jack: Karma?? I didn’t do any honking or flipping off? I should have damn good karma!
Stephanie: I like your first suggestion better.
Thanks! You made me laugh out loud at my desk. Now everyone wants to know what’s so funny, and I can’t share.
First time visiting… thanks for the laugh.
Those traffic lights are called “Punishment Lights.” For obvious reasons.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/372938_oblivioustexters31.html?source=mypi
You are not alone.
LOL
I’m always so glad there’s no one in the car with me when I do stupid car stuff. Hey, no accident; no foul, that’s my opinion!