If you tell me that you like my earrings, I’ll tell you that I got them for $2 at Claire’s. And probably point out that they are fake.
If you compliment me on my outfit, I’ll let you know that I need to do laundry. This is the only thing clean.
If you tell me that you think I’m cute, I’ll assure you that if you saw me naked you would cringe at the cottage cheese dimples in my ass.
And if you tell me that you love the way I write, I might write a cry baby pee pee pants post about how “I am not a big deal! Really! Stop saying nice things to me!”
I’ve got issues. Issues in italics. Seriously.
Karen and I were discussing said issues on Wednesday after I publicly slammed my readers for being too nice and she crawled into a corner and hid when people started discussing her oh so hot new avatar on twitter.
At least I’m not the only one with issues.
Apparently a lot of us have a hard time accepting compliments. And it’s ridiculous, isn’t it? For all the talk about how we all want to connect and be heard and be appreciated – the minute someone does, many of us find ourselves flinching under the praise.
Some of you really brought that into focus for me with your comments on yesterday’s post.
Robin said, “It’s ok to be loved, dear.” And I thought – well DUH! Of course it is! I know that!
Don’t I?
Misi said, “Oh ok, I get it, your humble, I like that. But when you don’t accept compliments, remember it’s insulting the one who freely gives them, ya know??” And I thought – well DAMN! When you put it that way… that makes it sound downright RUDE! I don’t want to be RUDE!
Do I?
Lisa said, “It’s as if you feel like you have to apologize for the ability to clearly write your thoughts and feelings in a way that witty and readable. Not only that you aren’t allowed to enjoy it???” And I thought – now that’s just DUMB! Why would anyone apologize for talents and gifts? We’re always preaching to one another about accepting and appreciating ourselves!
Aren’t we?
And hellohahanarf said, “britt, it is ok to let folks see the good.”
And I was just humbled. And embarrassed as all hell.
I don’t want to be arrogant or cocky or pretentious. But I also don’t want to take self deprecating to a point where it becomes a lack of self respect. At times, that feels like a fine line to walk.
Over the last 28 years I’ve learned a lot about appreciating myself for who I am. It seems like the next step, for me at least, is learning how to be comfortable with others appreciating it too.
What about you?
Have you mastered the fine art of the simple Smile and Thank You?
Got any tips for a couple of newbies?
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Posted in uncategorized Tagged: communication, compliments, etiquette, Karen Rani, Karen Sugarpants, personal growth, relationships, self esteem
Not only can I take compliments, but I expect them and plead for them. You should sit at my feet and learn, young padawan.
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Funny. This is kind of like the last post I did – I have not at all learned the art of a simple thank you, but I am really working on it! I, too, hate compliments. I hate for anyone to think I am fishing for compliments. I hate when people give them to me because then I feel like I have to tell them something bad about myself.
But I’m trying!
I’m not going to say one nice thing to you.
:nana:
Okay – nevermind that shit.
I still find it eerie that you can write what comes out of my mind. In fact, I find it fascinating. And for that, I LIKE YOU. :cheese:
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I do this. especially the sale thing, I’m all, ‘Dude, these were only 59 cents..and USED.’
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sometimes i can smile and simply say thank you. sometimes i will smile, say thank you and compliment something about the other person. and of course sometimes i will smile, say thank you and tell them that i got this outfit on sale and it was the only thing i had clean because my cottage cheese ass needs to do laundry. all depends on my mood. BUT, i am getting better and stopping after my smile and thank you. baby steps!
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Well since I get compliments far and few in between I am usually just happy to hear them.
I just laugh and say thank you, best way to do it.
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I call this phenomenon the Permeable Teflon Skintm. The bad gets in but the good slides right off.
I have suffered from this affliction my entire life and still struggle with it. Someone tells me I’m great and I say internally, “Yeah, well, if you REALLY knew me you wouldn’t say that.”
Someone tells me I’m a good writer and I say, “Yeah, well, if you do anything for decades you get good at it.”
Someone tells me I’m good-looking and I say, “Clearly you need glasses. Or a new prescription.”
It goes on and on. I have learned to accept compliments gracefully and just say, “Thank you.” But I still dismiss those compliments as quick as I’d drop a hot plate.
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“If you tell me that you think I’m cute, I’ll assure you that if you saw me naked you would cringe at the cottage cheese dimples in my ass.”
Yeah … I’m gonna have to go ahead and challenge you on that one.
I’m not good at accepting compliments. Especially when I disagree with them. And I have a tendency to think that they’re “just being nice” a lot of the time.
Sometimes I’ll write a post and the first comment will be really complimentary and then they all follow that first post’s lead and it ends up looking like I was having a low self-esteem day and went fishing for compliments. I had to stop responding to hate mate on my blog because of that. I was just trying to be funny and everybody was trying to be so supportive and it was kinda embarrassing.
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I’m cringing that you linked to me and my stupid ugly picture on Twitter…rofl!
Especially in light of my latest post whereby I invite the entire internet over to say “I really fucked up and need my ass kicked. Please kick it, thank you.”
Oh the irony.
We are dorks.
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Wait. You’re only 28?
Well fuck.
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Jeez … I have earrings on right now that were $4 at Claire’s. I got 3 compliments on them today and I told all 3 people the same thing, “Thanks, they were only 4 bucks – they’re cheapies!” Now, you’ve made me realize I’ve got issues!!!
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I do both. If it’s something like clothes or accessories I can smile and say thank you. But if it’s something about me personally I end up saying something.
“The dresser you painted turned out great.”
“Yeah, but there are a couple of drips here, and here.” Can’t just say thank you. That might make me feel good about myself for a second. I’m working on it though.
Having said that…
I think your posts are great and the show was great! I can’t wait until next week!
You rock :rock:
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Britt… if it will make you feel any better… you are NOT a fucking rock star. K?
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If there is a secret, I think it’s just to keep it simple. You should see the acrobatics I do to dodge out of the way of a compliment. My project for the summer is to just say “thanks” without sounding sheepish and/or doing that downward eye-rolling thing.
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No tips but I’ll be looking to see if anyone leaves a few good ones.
I’ve lost 75 lbs and when people compliment me on that I have a hard time accepting it…I think because I still feel like I’m fat. Chubby yes….fat no more!
I’ve always heard that we have to believe in ourselves first and when we do we are more open to others believing in/complimenting us!!
BTW: you have awesome hair…great style, beautiful kids and a hot husband….blushing yet?? :hug:
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I do this all the time. The exact same thing.
Love my engagement ring? I’ll tell you that the stone was from my grandmother.
Love my outfit? I’ll tell you that I think it make me looks fat.
When my husband tells me that I’m beautiful? I make a joke. This drives him CRAZY. To the point of yelling at me sometimes. (I guess he thinks I’m beautiful when I cry too.)
Tell me that I’m talented? I’ll tell you that I don’t do anything that you can’t do either. And probably better.
So have I mastered the fine art of “thank you” and a smile? What? Are you crazy???? (That was a compliment, by the way. And I have a hard time VERBALIZING compliments too, even if I think them.)
Hey! Does this mean that I should stop telling you that you amaze me? (This, by the way, is apparently where I give a compliment and you smile and say “thank you.”)
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When people tell me they love my hair I just say, “Thanks!”
And I wear a wig because my hair is long gone to chemo…
Know what I mean?
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I can’t take a compliment to save my life!!!! HHH hates that. Oh well…. prob has something to do with my childhood! :crazy:
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Nope… I can’t accept a compliment without adding something to belittle it. And my inner voice always chastises me for it.
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Whenever anyone compliments me, I just say “I do it all for my public.”
And I do, I really do. All three of them.
And after that, I down some Valium and chase it with a bottle of vodka like a good icon. :martini:
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I used to be really bad about this. I mean, to the point where after a compliment I would say, “shut up.” A classmate finally confronted my about it.
This is the goofy part. You know in the movie Casino when that kid goes up to Robert De Niro and compliments his wife, and De Niro says, “Thank you. Thank you for the compliment.” Well, I liked the way he handled that. So I started making an effort to always say thank you, etc. It kind of turns into a habit, or helps you break the habit of not accepting compliments. Still, there are times when I’ll slip and not take one.
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No, I have not mastered that fine art.. yet.
I am better though..
I have a therapist one time point out to me “if someone gives you a compliment just say thank you”.. I used to downplay it by saying “but look at this..” and pointing out something sucky about myself – even if it was my outfit. She (said therapist) also pointed out that it can be hurtful to the person giving the compliment, when I don’t accept it.
I was so bummed. I NEVER meant to be hurtful to anyone.
So, I started practicing saying “thank you” whenever I got a compliment.
Now I have a new therapist.. I saw her Wednesday.. she complimented me.. and I got all flustered.. I didn’t deny the things she said.. at the same time I didn’t say thank you.
I was kinda in a state of “limbo”
So I feel I owe her a thank you.
Even with practice at accepting compliments, I still am not always good at it.
We are all learning. I think it’s awesome you have friends that tell it like it is and help you see what’s going on. And it’s also awesome that you have the ability to realize “hey, they might be right” and to work on those things within yourself that might need a little fine tuning.
I hope you have an awesome weekend!
Kate
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This took a long time for me too sugar.
I think that it’s always a work in progress but it gets better. At least you are aware you do it. Some folks never even get that.
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I haven’t even come close to being able to accept complements. It might just be a life-journey for me at this point. In time, I believe we we all get it.
We all have skills that others might not and you, my dear, have a way with words. I enjoy reading your blog & look forward to getting to know you through this. You’re quite a woman to put it all out there!
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Compliments on my appearance I try to redirect (I know I shouldn’t) but I always take compliments on my work with pleasure and a thank you. It’s nice to be acknowledged for something you’ve spent a lot of time developing. My Mum always told me as a kid to say: ‘Thank you. That’s very kind of you’ when accepting a compliment, so I try to do that as much as possible.
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In my case, I know it was because I grew up never hearing I was pretty or good at anything.
I come from a long line of people on both sides of my family that never expressed any feelings about anything.
Now, when people compliment me, I think “I can’t believe you said that out loud”
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avitable: ah yes. Thank you. You’ve reminded me why I have such a problem with the idea.
Sybil Law: OMG YES! I sooo worry about that fishing thing. Jay mentioned it in his post too – when people are overwhelmingly supportive I get all freaked out that someone is going to think I was pandering for it.
Shamelessly Sassy: “and USED!” hahahahahahhahahaha – laughing at my desk here.
hello haha narf: I KNEW I’d be able to learn something about this from you. You’re so fucking HEALTHY. Sheesh.
Sarah: awwwww – you need to start hanging out with a new crowd, girlfriend.
Karl: yep. That’s my skin. Exactly.
And it’s stupid Karl. For both of us.
Jay: do you know I just had a flash response in my brain of “OH YEAH! I WILL TOTALLY POST MY FLAB FOR YOU! DON’T THINK I WON’T!” Just.. um… wow.
And yeah, I have the same response internally to comments sometimes. Not that *I* don’t appreciate them, but I worry that *other* people will think I was pandering, fishing, etc. When you say it out loud, it’s ridiculous, isn’t it?
Karen Sugarpants: how did you not know I was 28? I have mentioned this a million times.
YOU ARE OFF MY CHRISTMAS CARD LIST!!!
Twenty Four At Heart: it’s what I DOOOOOOO!
elfenkate: thank you
Oh Look! Look! We’re getting it!
RW: I hate you.
:nana:
And by the way, TODAY is about you saying I am awesome and me handling it well!
Sheesh. Keep up.
Iron Fist: I am the master of the downward eye-rolling thing.
OK, let’s practice. Babe – you are hot. Super cute hot. Like, caught me off guard when I met you at TC cute. And I can say that because I’m married. Or something. Heh.
*scuffs shoe in the dirt*
Rachel: I *am* blushing. But smiling too. So… “thank you”.
Dawn: Personally, I think you give amazing compliments.
Lisa: you’ve got your shit together, yo.
blondefabulous: when in doubt, LET’S BLAME OUR MOMS! And Dads, too, if necessary. hehehe
~jtm: does that mean your inner voice is working double duty then?
ADW: you make the most fabulous icon, too.
student teacher: “Thank you, thank you for the compliment.” I LOVE that! I need to practice that.
Kate: that was the same reaction I had. I thought I was being a better person by keeping things real, etc. etc. etc. I was surprised to realize it could be hurtful to someone else.
I’m really glad someone pointed that out to me.
turnbaby: this is going to come down to an age thing, isn’t it? :nana:
Tink: Oh! I know this! I know this one!
Thank you. Thank you for the compliment on my writing and my blog. I appreciate it.
————–
GOOOO ME!
Selma: thank you, that’s very kind of you. That’s another good one. Thank you.
By the way – you’re gorgeous.
Little Miss Sunshine State: yeahhhhh… I come from a long line of very, very verbal people. Shocked, aren’t you?
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Just smile, blush, say thank you, and compliment that person.
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i do believe i am concerned about your definition of healthy. hehe
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I used to do the same thing. My husband kind of broke me from doing it. He would compliment me and I would put myself down and he would just say “Stop, just say thank you.” I still do it a little but not nearly as much as I used to.
Now, I just need to work on my need to apologize for everything.
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I get very uncomfortable when someone compliments me in person; I find it’s easier to take when it’s in my comment section.
But when someone does compliment me, I blush like crazy, look at the floor then say, “Thank you, you are very sweet.” Or something like that. I work hard to resist kissing them full on the mouth — regardless of gender. I usually succeed.
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/looks side ways, shoves hands in back pockets.
Well…thanks, Britt. Now it’s your turn:
You’re as refreshingly real as you are wicked awesome. Also you have curls to die for. Also you are a total fox, which I can say because you’re married.
(Oh shit, maybe that doesn’t work the other way around. Whoops.)
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It took some work but I’ve gotten to the “Thanks” with a smile phase. I still have moments of weakness though where I feel the “Gee, thanks but” coming on and I have to bite my tongue.
On the other hand, I’ve also gotten good at just flat out asking for a compliment … I hate fishing for them so I am just blatant sometimes (with certain friends only) .. “Hey, isn’t this shirt great? You haven’t said a thing about it.” – It’s nice. I like it. “Thanks!”
What can I say? I’m not the most patient person in the world sometimes.
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Here’s the thing: There will ALWAYS be haters. Or they are “TROLLS” here on the net. But whatever I digress, my point is throughout my life people have always pointed out my looks to me and I was always like “What? they are crazy”. I had many,many issues w/ my body and self-esteem BUT then I decided to go with it. If so many people thought I was pretty well damn it I must be!
And there is nothing wrong w/ that. Nada, you have a mirror use it.
Now what gets my goad is when all people see is my looks, I hate it w/ a passion and will get pretty bitchy about it.
Because let’s face it the outside all wrapped pretty enough but do you REALLY give a fuck what’s on the inside?
And if you don’t?Then your opinion matters.None.
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For someone so open and honest and outgoing, it really took me by surprise that you have a real hard time accepting compliments. I guess everyone does have their insecurities. I have always had a hard time accepting compliments. The best I could do was just smile and say Thank you and hoped to God that was the last one from that person. I would turn red from that incident alone. It was traumatizing. :help:
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I find the best way is to just say ‘Thank you’ and leave it at that. That’s all I got.
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Now I know why people call Adam the Alpha blogger.
He moved his comment on top of mine to be first!!
Well, maybe not, but I could swear mine was first.
Anyway, how ’bout you do something funny to him today? Like, :poke:
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Oh – and I posted my flab!
That took balls, I tell ya. BALLS.
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I do not take compliments well as a whole. Some days I feel better about taking them and others don’t feel worthy and feel like someone has a hidden agenda. Oh well.
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I have what Karl has.
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Darling do you not remember Nanna’s training?
“Just smile and say ‘thank you’ honey.”
I swear it’s tattoes somewhere on my body.
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I have what you and Karl and NYCWD have. Although I can say “thank you” I don’t believe the compliments. :wtf:
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Ok, so maybe I was off the mark in my understanding of your previous blog.
I thought you were saying, yeah, I have this gig and I’m successful to a point with it, but isn’t it kinda silly to measure ourselves by a blog with names like Alpha blogger and such?
Or maybe I was projecting my own internal conflicts with blogging onto you? hehe
I didn’t think you were being arrogant or cocky or any of that stuff. Just real!
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Thanks?
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I have FINALLY gotten to the point where I can just smile and say “thanks” to someone who gives me a compliment *but* I see your pointing out flaws and raise you a “pause and wait for the other person to follow up the compliment with the request of a favor.”
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I’m still working on this, but I’m much better at it than I used to be. It took two people to call me on it. First was a fling with a very swave man who complimented me endlessly – I’d never received such compliments, and he quickly caught on: “You don’t know how to take a compliment, do you?” he accused me. He was right. That’s when I learned to smile and say thank you. The second was the woman who is now my “best woman” for my wedding, who told me one day that I had to stop putting myself down everytime someone complimented me. “Good god Susan, Stop being so horrible to yourself, no one is more mean to you than you.” That’s when I learned to try and stop at “thank you”. I’m not always successful, mind you, but I’m learning.
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I do my best to just say thank you.
It’s easier when it’s something like “Great shoes” Then I’ll smile gleefully and say “Aren’t they??! – thanks!”
If it’s something like “you’re so pretty.” Then I cringe…
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I’m still learning. And I never actually believe complements when I get them. Unless they aren’t of my doing. For example:
That is an adorable haircut! This I can smile and say thanks, but I didn’t make the haircut, it merely dwells on my head.
I can’t believe you found that! You have such a good eye! This will cause hemming, hawing, oh, I was with a friend, she saw it, etc.
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Tell me about it.
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Yes, I’ve mastered that. You’re welcome.
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I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered it, but I’m getting better at it. I think something that helps is using instinct to tell when someone is being genuine, or complimenting you with ulterior motive. I hate those – compliments wrapped up in lies and bullshit.
That said, someone once told me that self-deprecation robs the complimenter of the joy they get to feel when they give you a genuine kudos. And who wants to make someone feel crappy for telling you you’re great?
(BTW, I take great pride in my $2 Claire’s earrings – it takes skill to find cheap jewelry that doesn’t look cheap!)
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Well that just means your a good little woman! No really, I do the exact same thing. I can even hear it in my head that split second before it comes out and I’ll still say it. I think it’s all part of our training. We pretend our society is all into equality, ‘no really, women can do whatever men can,’ but society doesn’t like women who think they deserve compliments. Mini-rant now over.
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I saw a post with your naked backside, and you didn’t look bad to me at all. In fact, I recall thinking, I wish I had a body like that.
Oh, wait.
Was I not suppose to compliment you? :nana:
Seriously, if someone says something nice to you, just say, “Thank you!”
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Ok, after I read the comments, I have to agree with Karl too. If someone compliments me, I say thank you, but then the thought goes through my head, “They are just being nice.”
Heck, if people talk to me, I even think that, because for some reason I feel people don’t really talk to me because they like me or value my friendship. How mess up is that? But then I realize it’s that same voice of negativity that tells me I am not smart enough, I’m fat, etc, and sometimes that voice just needs to be told to shut up.
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Even though I sometimes cringe inside and fight the urge to gush out about wtfever it is they just said, deeming myself somehow unworthy of the compliment, I have learned the simple “thank you.”
It wasn’t easy.
It didn’t come quickly.
However, with time, I don’t have to fight SO hard the desire to open my mouth and gush out that “it’s the only thing I had to wear” or “my kids gave me a bunch of shit until I painted my nails” or “That is too a blow job!”
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as i was leaving happy hour i told my coworker that her out fit looked so smoken on her that she should go out to a night club or something fun. told her she looked a wonderful combination of pretty and hot. she looked confused, said, “really?” and when i said absolutely she got a huge smile and simply said, “thanks.” and she kept smiling. which made her even prettier.
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Stephanie: you almost make it sound EASY.
hello haha narf: how about “more healthy than me”?
J.O.: “sorry” is the #1 used word in my vocabulary.
I’m pretty sure I have, at some point, apologized for the lack of peace in the Middle East.
Finn: I’ve noticed you are very much into kicking lately.
Iron Fist: :blush:
you’re just saying that because I said it first.Um, thank you.
(GOLD STARS FOR US!!)
patricia: I actually do that with a few people in my life. Like Jared. Or Adam. Or really close friends.
misi: so what you’re saying is… you’re kinda hot, eh? :clap:
Mindy: really? That’s funny. Because if you think about it, the shit I’m usually open and honest about is my insecurities. I HAVE TRUCKLOADS, BABY!
Employee No. 3699: oh we’re going the simple route are we?
Sybil Law: he’s a cheater.
And you looked gorgeous in that picture, by the way. Truly.
themuttprincess: “oh well”. That’s what I love about you girl. Seriously.
NYCWD: do you mean to tell me that all of the gushing and praise I have heaped on you for the last TWO FUCKING YEARS OR SO has just slid off?
Damn. That makes me sad.
Britt’s Mom: Hm. No. But someone here said it’s all your fault. I’m going to run with that.
Kailey: and does reading other people describe it make you see that that makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!??
Queen of Shake Shake: hey, aren’t you that girl who is in charge of the GoobHers?
Karen Sugarpants: MuuuuAH! :kiss:
Erin: OK. You win. I fold.
suze: well, I am clinging to the idea that learning is a pretty damn good start. So, good for you!
Princess of the Universe: oh yeah. The “you’re so pretty” one is the hardest for me.
My standard response is “nah, you mean cute. I’m just fun and so you think I’m cute. And you love me. And I KNOW I HAVE A FUNKY EYE, OK?? DO YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME?? wahhhhhhhh!!!”
Ahem. Or something like that.
Captain Steve: It is my firm belief that the ability to bargain hunt should always be appreciated.
Sarah:
Becky..Absent Minded Housewife: *snort*
Carly: yeah, I think it was putting it in the perspective of the person who is giving the genuine compliment that slapped me upside the head the hardest. I’m one of those people who LOVES to give compliments, so I don’t want to take that away from anyone else.
Ok, Where Was I?: I’m glad someone said it. I decided to leave that out of my post because.. well… I just didn’t want to go there.
But – yeah.
Lynda: Thank You! (like that?)
usedtobeme: good. I’m glad to know there are people out there getting it.
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Kicking? What did I miss?
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I know I am way late to the commenting party, but I still wanted to leave a note.
At one point it was extremely hard for me to accept compliments. I just had to tell myself that it was ok to be good at what I do and that it was ok to take a compliment in…that I was being (and am, 99% of the time) a good person and that I deserved them.
But yeah, it is easier said than done. And yeah, your compliments are well deserved. I mean damn, girl – you’re on ITunes! So accept them, damnit!
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I’m better about it but I could stand to improve.
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Why is my comment showing up blank?
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That was perfect! :clap:
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I am TERRIBLE at accepting compliments because I have such low self esteem. However, most people in real life would never know this. See, when I get a compliment, I’m so shocked by it that I can’t put together a coherent rebuttal. Instead I blush four shades of red, do my quirky nose scrunch thing, and look at the floor. Then on top of the compliment, I usually get told how freaken adorable I am.
So embarrassing.
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My pat answer for a generic response is “Thank you. I appreciate that.” It’s not too short, not too long and it has a nice summary to most responses.
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