The first thing people ask when I tell them I’m going to New York for the weekend is, “who are you going with?”
“A couple of friends,” I tell them.
“Isn’t Jared going with you?” they inevitably ask, with just a tiny hint of “what are you doing cavorting around the country without your husband” in their voice.
The official answer is, “No. He couldn’t get the time off work and he’s watching the kids that weekend.”
But that’s not entirely true.
When I decided to go to New York City this summer, I sent my husband a text message. I told him I was going to New York at the end of June and that he was welcome to come along if he’d like. I extended the same offer by phone later that same day.
So technically, he can’t say that I didn’t invite him.
Initially, he expressed interest. He said it sounded like fun and he’d kind of always been interested in NYC too. And then he mentioned something about needing to put a request in to get the time off work - and I seized my chance.
Two days later when I confirmed that he hadn’t gotten around to talking to his supervisors, I booked my flight. And no matter how many times I’ve assured him that he could still get a ticket and join me, we both knew the decision was already made. I was going to New York City and I was going without my husband.
Jared and I have traveled quite a bit together. I took him to see Chicago on our honeymoon. We’ve been to California more than once because of my work. We went on a cruise with friends of ours several years ago. And of course, we went to Vegas to see Prince last March. We’ve had no shortage of vacation time together.
And every single time - I take Jared.
We go some place that I have been. Or on a trip that I have planned. I set the schedule, book the flights, reserve the hotel and remember what time we have to be at the airport. I am, in every sense of the word, the Navigator in our relationship.
To be honest, that’s something I’ve always loved about him. He’s supportive and has always been willing to go along with just about any wild scheme I can dream up. It’s no secret that I like to be in control, and Jared rarely fights me on that. He trusts me implicitly and I am truly, truly grateful for that. Nine times out of ten.
But sometimes, like this time, I don’t want to take Jared.
I want to be free to explore. I want to take in the feeling of The City without feeling like a tour guide or chaperon. I want to have absolutely no clue what I’m doing and not worry about the eyes I can feel looking to me for answers.
I want to feel the sweet release of my muscles when the weight of the world is lifted off of it for a moment.
I just want to stand on a corner and breathe without the responsibility of checking someone else’s pulse.
And I want to know when in the hell I stopped thinking of my husband as my companion and started seeing him as a responsibility!?!
I wonder if it’s always been like this with us. Have we ever walked side by side, or has it always been me two steps ahead leading him by the hand?
Surely there is another way. He’s a grown man for God’s sake. And he manages to wander around in the Big Bad World without my help every damn day. Clearly he’s more than capable of functioning without my assistance.
I suspect he’s more than willing.
I wonder now, on the day that I board a plane without him, if this trip could have been something else. I wonder if we could have ventured into new territory together, as equals and partners and co-conspirators. I wonder if I could have learned to breathe just as deeply in his presence as I will on my own with my friends.
As much as I am absolutely thrilled to be going to New York today - and I am, believe me I am - I also find myself thinking about the next big adventure.
And I wonder…
if maybe…
perhaps…
…things can be different.
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Posted in Love and Marriage Tagged: husband, Jared, marriage, New York City, relationships
I get it. I don’t blame you. I’m glad I don’t feel like that, but I wish to God that you didn’t either.
:heartbeat: :kiss: :heartbeat: :hug:
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It’s not that he becomes a responsibility, it’s that when you are there as a couple, you’re both each other’s responsibilities as well as companions, and while that can be nice, it can also feel like you’re being limited, simply because there are two of you instead of one.
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It’s really because she can’t wait to sleep with me. In the same room, I mean.
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I’ve seen a number of women with control issues (big and small), small kids, and a mellow but overworked husband end up taking responsibility for the DH. Usually, one of those Sandals type excursions minus the kids gets them back in tune with being lovers rather than two adults responsible for each other, the kids, the bills, and the dog. Unless, of course the control issues were REALLY big. Then they went to see the shrink.
Enjoy yourself in NYC. You’ll feel great afterward!
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So when I invite Jared to DaveCon Amsterdam, it’s cool if you stay home and babysit then? Awesome!
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:heartbeat: Have a wonderful time. I am sure that maybe later you and Jared will take a trip where you will be on equal ground…and you will be side by side instead of leading him. Great, insightful post. :clap:
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Go on your freakin trip and have the fun. Giggle and explore, do silly things and hang out with your friends and blow off steam. Jared wont care because it is not a vacation guys really care about.
Sure we may follow you around and have good natured fun, but that is because we enjoy your company and well… we love you. But real guys dream of a chance to have wild sex so loudly it impresses all the neighbors. They want towns to enact morality ordinances with their names on them because of the stopped traffic from the screaming of OUR name you did in a hotel room one night on vacation when the kids weren’t around and you felt uninhibited.
So go have some fun. Jared has plans of his own for your welcome back home night.
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I could really relate to this post. I used to work in adult entertainment marketing, and I went to a few conventions while I was in the business. I always went alone, because it was a break from having to have all the details sorted out-not only for myself, but for everyone else in the family.
I love my guy-obviously, we’ve been married and divorced and are back together again-but he is very passive and while I like being in charge most of the time, sometimes it’s just too much pressure and getting away to have only myself to worry about is refreshing. It doesn’t mean I love him any less, or enjoy his company any less. It just means that I miss who I am apart from him and all the responsibilities having a family necessitates. And sometimes I need to be reminded of who I am in order to be the best me I can be to them.
Have fun, chickie!
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It always takes two - one who takes control and one who willingly lets the other take control. They complete each other. I’m somewhere in the middle, controlwise. With some people I have to take the lead, with others I can just totally give up all responsibility.
What would happen if you didn’t have everything meticulously planned for a change? Perhaps you sould try it sometime, it might be interesting.
Have lots of fun in NYC!
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shit, this was a rather heavy post. i love that you can do that…be so open and honest and “here it is” on this site. and in real life. you are a really interesting woman. but that is not what the post was about. ahem.
if you truly want things to be different, if jared wants things to be different, then absolutely they can be. no doubt about it. but i really don’t know if you do want equal. you seem to thrive on being in control, in getting your way and in sticking your face to the wind because you are leading the charge. (damn i love that aboout you…it is a fantastic part of who you are. these aren’t negatives!) i have to wonder if jared tried to step up how you would actually feel.
most couples have one person who tends to lead. you and jared are (gasp…should i say it?) “normal” in my opinion.
:heartbeat:
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And I want to know when in the hell I stopped thinking of my husband as my companion and started seeing him as a responsibility!?!
I wonder if it’s always been like this with us. Have we ever walked side by side, or has it always been me two steps ahead leading him by the hand?
Can I go and cry right now? Because I feel that way SO often with my husband. And we next to never travel. This is all of the time.
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I actually question more couples who can’t seem to travel without their partner. My ex-in-laws travel all the time without each other and their relationship is stronger for it. If you’re not free to go off and have your own adventures, then I always wonder if there are trust and/or dependency issues, but also, how else are you going to wind up with stories the other person hasn’t heard?
More often than not, taking off for a long weekend is a geat way of getting your partner to stop taking you for granted and it reminds you just how nice it is to come home to the person you love.
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I think each person has their weakness and their strengths… Maybe taking the lead is a strength for you, and not so much for your hubby. Doesn’t mean it can’t change. Just might be why things have been the way they are.
Have an awesome trip!
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You will have an AMAZING time in NYC. Then you can come home, greet the kids, feed everyone unpack, etc. etc. etc. and finally lay in bed with your husband, the human being you love enough to work for it, (which in and of itself is no small feat, as many couples can tell you), and you can tell him ALL about it. He’ll be curious about the city, and you guys will probably both say something about how you kind of wish he had gone, but it will be over and done with.
AND THEN you can plan a trip together. You, Jared, a huge city NEITHER of you have been to, ever, and only your intuition to guide you around.
OR something like that. Fuck, if anything, bring him an I (heart) NYC shirt and a kiss.
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I’ve taken the occasional girls-only trip and I really believe in doing this. To be fair, hubby has a boys-only outing or two every year as well. I think it helps you to remember the other part of you, who you were before you married, who you’ve become while he wasn’t watching. Not in a bad way, though, in a good way.
That said: On my 2nd girls-only trip to Las Vegas, which was last summer, all I could do was think, OMG, husband HAS to come here, he would so love it here.
So, we’re going in the fall to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.
So: scope out NYC, do some recon, and bring Jared another time. Meanwhile, don’t you dare feel guilty about going alone. You need this for YOU!
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I got as far as “Jared has to work” before I needed to come comment and say:
1. You don’t need to justify/explain yourself to anyone.
2. Taking a vacation by yourself is NOT a bad thing.
3. I’m pretty effing psyched for this weekend.
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So. Completely. Pissed. ThatIamnotcomingthisweekend.
Totally not fair.
But I am having an outside party where it is going to rain and sleet all day. Fun, no?
Have an awesome time honey?
I will be waiting to see the pictures.
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It’s cool that you’re the tour guide in the family, but you’re right about it becoming almost second nature. We all fall into our roles we are most comfortable in…..for me, it is the family photographer. I am the picture taker, and therefore not in 95% of out photos.
Go have fun, take Karl to the Sex museum, and get lot’s of photos for us to share!
Husbands will take care of themselves when they are made to.
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First: YES!!! I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about! Mister and Jared really need to get together. They’re two peas in a pod.
Can things be different? I think so. I thought I’d never get to go to Europe because Mister was “uncomfortable” about going somewhere when he didn’t speak the language. But we went to Italy a couple of years and he was a different person there. He also made all the plans for my birthday trip last year. You just have to let him know. Which you just did, didn’t you?
Have a wonderful time honey! You’ll LOVE New York, I just know it!
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I totally get what you’re saying here.
I feel like I have to hand lead my ENTIRE family everywhere so that they can experience things and they in turn tell me I am the vacation nazi.
Well if it was up to them we’d fly to NYC, sleep in until 11am, eat brunch in the room, watch a few hours of tv, then go sight seeing around 4pm.
That’s no good. I am up at the crack of dawn exploring the city, in bed a few hours before dawn.
Whew…I apparently needed to vent.
Anyways, Have fun, enjoy yourself, relax. You deserve it.
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I absolutely love how you can put it all out there in your posts…be completely and totally honest with yourself and everyone else. Now how do I find that kind of freedom?
Enjoy NYC! I’ve never been there so I am counting on you to let me live vicariously!
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Would Jared plan something if you asked him to? He could start with something small, like a ‘date night’, even if it’s just a candlelit dinner at home after the kids are in bed.
My Better Half and I plan ‘dates’ periodically just so we don’t get stuck in a rut. He’s actually rang our front door bell and when I answered the door he had flowers and a bottle of wine…so sweet.
As far as traveling without your spouse, there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. I do it twice a year with my gal pals.
ENJOY the Big Apple!
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Avi took the words right out of my mouth. Wise boy that Adam. Go. Enjoy those deep breaths.
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We’re always maintained that we should have our own lives and we have both traveled without the other many times.
It’s healthy to have space and time apart.
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Have fun in NYC. Wishing I was going to BrittCon. :rock:
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Sometimes you guys need that time away from each other….and I totally understand the feeling like a travel guide.
Tell any haters to just STFU.
Have fun!!!!!!!!
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Or maybe it’s just that you are a controlling bitch and the way he keeps the peace is by going along with your hairbrain schemes just because he doesn’t want to listen to you whine and scream and throw a tantrum when he disagrees. You are like the model example of a self centered psychotic woman. You praise him in one sentence for being willing to go along and let you lead because you are in “control”(I doubt you even know the meaning of the word), and in the very next sentence complain and bitch about the very same personality trait. It’s crazy. This poor guy just cannot win with you. You’ll probably disregard this comment because it doesn’t jive with the minions you have running around out here who kiss your ass but enjoy your dose of reality. I plan to bring you more.
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Wow MarkAntony, you do realize that our blogs are a mere reflection of just a fraction of our lives and to come to such a conclusion as you just did is to assume an awful lot. And you know what they say about assumptions, right?
If not I’d be more than happy to explain it to you.
And to call all of Britt’s commenters “minnions” who “kiss her ass” means that you are insulting me as well. I’m not kissing anyone’s ass and I support her in taking a trip without her husband.
I’ve actually met Britt IN PERSON and can tell you that you have no idea what the hell you are talking about.
Moving on…
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So, MarkAntony - you plan on bringing more of your special dose of reality? Well, then why don’t you man up and leave a link or contact info? Hmmm?
It would seem that such a stand up guy who is willing to offer this much needed dose of “reality” would at least have the balls to do that.
Clearly this means you are nothing more than a chickenshit troll who loves to antagonize but is too much of a coward to deal with the repercussions.
Personally, I think your version of reality is bitter and deluded. I’d appreciate if you would just keep it to yourself since you really don’t KNOW the people involved.
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Wow. I’m ass kisser and a minion. Nice. :rock:
And here Britt thought she was only famous in her own mind.
I don’t even want to spew forth all of the insults foaming at my mouth begging for release but I don’t want to start a re-play of the mommy wars….but I also couldn’t keep my mouth shut either.
Don’t ruin this for her MarkAntony. She deserves this trip more than anyone I know. :peace:
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MarkAntony has the same IP as someone with this URL: http://pulseofcentralflorida.wordpress.com/. I think it’s probably one of those idiots from the mommy group.
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oh! the dipshit mommies have returned! posing as men no less!
gotta love when they can’t let it go.
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What a coincidence — I also am spending this weekend in NYC sans hubby or kids. Heaven!
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oh and … lots of NY pics, plz!
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Doing one thing separately isn’t necessarily bad. You’ll know when you get back and that’s when you’ll be able to share everything. I believe you’re overthinking this situation. I hope you have a fantastic time. Post lost of pics so I can pretend I am there and not hate myself for not managing to go this summer.
MarkAntony should really learn to read and understand what’s being said in a post before commenting. Let him/her troll. It’s amusing and we’re laughing at him/her.
Lisa, try not to take it personally (although I would too if someone was trying to attack my friend). That person obviously doesn’t know what he’s/she’s talking about.
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I think getting away from one another makes you stronger in the end. Hell, I went to Egypt for two weeks without Ty-man. Just me, the sorority sister, and 18 other people from the local museum. It. Was. Amazing. That was eight years ago and the Ty-man and I are still together.
Enjoy this trip, hon. You both need it.
And MarkAnthony? Just fuck off, ‘kay?
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Feel free to contact me at concernedinsrq@gmail.com if you wish to engage in honest discourse. Requests to * off will be promptly ignored.
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Whew. I am SOOO glad I talked to my husband this morning and asked if he read my post.
And do you know what he said?
“Yep. And I really appreciated it. I know where you’re coming from. I hope you have a great time. Love you babe.”
I’m going to go ahead and take THAT perspective as valuable.
But thanks. Dumb fuck.
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Wow - MarkAntony is a douchebag!
Anyway, I, too, think it’s healthy to even be able to spend some time apart, even if that means traveling apart. I’ve done it, but oddly enough, sometimes I feel the same way as you wrote. As usual. It’s like you plucked thoughts from my head and typed them out for me, coherently.
Thanks!
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Baby,
First off, I want you to know I completely understand what you were saying in this post. I wouldn’t sweat this MarkAnthony person, He obviously has some personal issues to be able to read into your post like that.
Secondly, for all you minions let me give you some insight. Britt had done a lot of traveling before we were married and many of the places that we and traveled to together, she has been. So naturally she is going to feel like the tour guide. On top of that I am going to want to do many of the things that she may have already done. Once you get used to the tour guide roll, it is hard to give it up. Plus lets face it you all know my business I sometimes need my hand held. In addition it is only natural that the environment is different when your spouse is around for ex. if your mom was with you. As open as Britt and I are it is just a slightly different environment. Doesn’t mean we don’t love each other or love spending time together. I am sure I have said things good, bad, inappropriate around my friends that I would never say in front of Britt, or any women for that matter. Again this is normal.
So, MarkAnthony stick with playing guitar and let Dr Phil handle our relationship.
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MarkAntony - I’m all for the anonymity until you decide to get mean. Then it’s just fucking cowardly. It’s obvious you’re clueless about Britt, her relationship, and the people that love her. You left an email address, but I’m not going to bother because I’m positive you generated a new email address just so you could troll through the comments.
If you wanted “honest” discourse, you’d say who you really were and you’d leave a URL. Piss off and take your bullshit elsewhere.
(Edited to show the actual commenter.)
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Oops, that last comment was Karl…I’m just using her computer.
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i love new york.
i love britt.
p.s. she has not been a controlling bitch on this trip at all. (dammit! control me! dominate me! drag my happy ass all over this city!)
:nana:
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Jared — You are a good man, babe. I hope I get to meet you one day. And your wife? She’s the shit. But you already know that…
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I just discovered you by blog hopping and came upon this post and seriously I couldn’t be happier to come upon this right at this moment. I am not married but I do have a boyfriend that I feel this way about right now. It’s a very complicated situation and he doesn’t seem to be able to get his shit together and get his ass home (despite the fact that i am waiting here) due to a great amount of chaos. I tried everything I could, I got burnt out, and finally asked for some time to step away, and when we finally did talk again, he thought i was breaking up with him, forever. Sigh… Things are tense to say the least, but it’s good to know it’s ok to feel this way about someone you love, and know you want to be with. thank you!
p.s. and I’m pissed I didnt find you earlier because I have friends in NYC and i would have come to brittcon!
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I’m totally with you on this one. I love my husband more than anything on this earth…but still…it gets old ALWAYS having to be the responsible one. …sigh…
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I love New York.
I love Britt.
I do not love “Keith”.
(Dude…)
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I understand a little. But me? I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to go on a trip alone, no kids, no husband, just to be me, without eyes watching my every move and feeling like I can’t be me.
Sad, isn’t it?
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