Dear Jared,
OK, you’re right… estranged was a bit dramatic. I know. But it makes for a more interesting title. And our marriage is nothing if not a tool to make this blog more interesting for the Internet.
Heh. About that…
Thank you. I know you don’t “get it”. I know you can’t really understand why I blog or why I read blogs or why in the hell “these people” are so important to me. I’m sure you cringe a little inside every time you hear me spilling my guts – our guts – to The Internet. I know you don’t understand my need to put it all out there.
But you support it anyway. You support me. You may not fully understand how a group of people you’ve never met can add so much to my life, can give me so much strength and joy and reassurance – but you know that for whatever reason, it’s good for me. And that has always been reason enough for you.
So really, thank you. Because if it wasn’t for the Internet I might have lost my damned mine over the last couple months when you and I have been having such a god damned hard time connecting.
Ah, yes. Back to the “estranged” bit. It’s not really much of an exaggeration, is it? I mean, sure, we still live under the same roof. We share a bed and coordinate schedules and make pleasant conversation on the phone. We even get along well enough – most days. But I think we both know something is off between us.
We’ve stopped laughing together. We’ve stopped talking. When we force ourselves to spend time with each other, we both seem bored or tired or wanting to be anywhere but sequestered with one another’s company.
And you know what? It’s been hard. Really hard, if you want to know the truth. I’ve questioned whether we were “right” for each other. I’ve questioned whether I was in a good marriage with rough spots or a bad marriage with good days. I’ve wondered if you were ever going to pull your head out of your ass and come back to me.
But then, you already know all this. It’s impossible to know me and not know when I’m feeling lost. Or sad. Or angry. Or hungry. Or like I might maybe possibly have to pee soon. I am what we call a sharer.
What I suspect you don’t know, what you might not have heard as clearly as the bitching and nagging and the eventual pulling away, is that… it’s OK. We’re going to be OK.
As far apart as we seem right now, I know you. I know Us. And I have faith that the person I know and admire is still lurking beneath the absent minded workaholic I happen to be living with right now. I swear I don’t mean that near as condescendingly as it sounds.
I know that it seems like I’ve given up on us. I think it would be easy to mistake the fact that I’ve started living my own life for a sign that I am somehow moving on from the one we built together. But baby, hear me when I tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m living my own life because I trust you. Two years ago I would have refused to move on without you. I would have kicked and screamed and fought and clawed and demanded that we figure this out right. now. I would have thrown my hands up and cried “this just isn’t working” and made a dramatic show of the fact that “we are doomed! Dooooomed!” I would have insisted on heroic measures to save our relationship.
I’m better than I was two years ago. And honey, we are so, so much better than that.
As much as this sucks right now – as much as I miss the Good Times and the High Points right now – I hope you understand that I’m giving myself permission to be happy in the midst of this because the one thing I’ve learned in the last 8 years is that this is temporary. It’s not the first time we’ve struggled. It won’t be the last. But it’s also not indicative of Who We Are.
You? Are amazing. You are kind and good and open and strong and supportive. You are smart and wise and generous. You may be fumbling around in the dark right now – but it doesn’t change all of the things that I know to be true about you. And I know without a doubt that we will find our way back to one another again.
And I will be here. Living my life the best way I know how, holding tighter to my faith in the things I know to be true than to the fear and discomfort of The Temporary.
I love you,
Britt
P.S. You should really consider sending your mother-in-law flowers. My initial plan was to bury you under the garage.
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Posted in Love and Marriage Tagged: husbands, marriage, relationships
And I sincerely hope he doesn’t abuse that trust. Because you’d totally make me dig the hole under the garage and I hate getting my hands dirty.
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I already have the hole dug under my garage. So basically, I just have to whack my husband and slide him into it should he misbehave. Totally kidding…or not.
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It must be difficult for non-bloggers to get the whole blogging thing and just how important it is to us. Glad you’ve got someone to stand behind you.
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I would just like to add that I TOO love Jared, and he’s honestly the only man I have to look up to as a husband and father. Please let him know that for me, will ya Britter?
Love you sis
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Are men a pain in the butt! But they are so useful for so many things! LOL…
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I just want to give you a big ol’ high five… I’m glad someone knows what’s up!
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Good for you, it takes a lot to get to this place you are now . . . complete trust in your husband as well as your life as a couple is so impressive. Some days I’m there, other days I’m back to wanting to stab the Mr. with a rusty fork. I hope he appreciates you.
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Are you SURE you’re only 28? Because you are much wiser than 28.
Me and mine have been together for 34 years and there are times when you LOOOOOOVE each other. There are also times when you can’t stand the sight of each other and times when you are just 2 bodies living under the same roof. You might as well be wearing a sign that says Don’t Look At Me, Don’t Talk To Me, Don’t Touch Me.
And then time goes by and you can’t imagine spending the rest of your life without each other. The hardest times we ever had was when our kids were little and he was working constantly.
If the marriage is good, you’ll survive it all and be happy that you did.
I have to say, the best time is NOW, the kids are grown and we still remember why we fell in love.
You understand. You’ll be OK
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Knowing and understanding The Temporary is a very important thing. Good for you for finding happiness in the midst of it. Because life will always shift and things will always change. About the only thing we can count on, right?
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You are so far ahead of me Britt, despite my having almost 10 years on you (dammit!)
My ex and I got to the “sharing a house” stage and we gave up. I don’t know why, not even now, I guess we just didn’t care enough. You obviously do care, more than enough for both of you, and as long as even 1 of you cares, you’ll be fine. I have no doubt about that.
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Oh please.
First of all, you would have to jackhammer through the concrete to even start to dig the hole. You don’t have the upper body strength to use a jackhammer.
And you can’t get Adam to do it, because I am pretty sure he has even less upper body strength than you do.
Which leaves me, and I would be totally up for it except I am putting on my skates and playing Hans Brinker in 10 days.
So…good choice. Although I kinda like the idea of you in a women’s prison. That’s caged heat, baby! :clap:
Damn, this is much longer comment than I usually leave.
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Good for you sugar–just so good.
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Kudos to Jared for understanding you. There are not many out there like him.
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My wife doesn’t read my blog, or anyone’s blog. She also doesn’t “get it” but that’s ok. At most, I might go to a specific blog post on the Wii so we can see it on the TV, and generally it’s a post specific to the dogs or the children.
She highly prefers I do not blog about her at all, so I honor that.
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You’ve got a great man, and a good marriage. The fact that you recognize this is just a “bad patch” is phenomenal. I’ve seen bitter divorces for less. That Jared supports you so much is a miracle….one that I am lucky to have with Misk as well.
I’m telling you, you and me? We hit the husband Jackpot. I feel inspired to write about Misk today….:)
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Can I change the Dear Jared part to Dear Mr. Schmitty? You seem to be living my life!
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Oh I so know what you are going through. But man am I jealous of well you are dealing with it. Because the reality is that sometimes? Marriage really fucking sucks. And nobody tells you that when you get married (or at least nobody felt like cluing me in). So here I was expecting this ridiculous sappy fairytale that I grew up watching and as it turned out? My parents were total freaks.
Who knew?
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A really beautiful love letter, Britt. It’s really easy for people to forget all the good in the midst of the bad, but it sounds like you’ve got a clear perspective on both.
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avitable: no, no. Of course not. I would simply suggest that it might NEED to be done. And wait for you to hire someone.
Shamelessly Sassy: two words: Quick Set.
Karl: yeah, I suppose it is difficult to “get it”.
Creed: I’ll pass that along baby.
RiceWenchie: I think people in general are a pain in the butt. LOL
Tori: I’m cool with high 5′s.
Honeybell: well… “complete” trust might be a bit of stretch. Because yeah. There are still lots of stabby days.
Little Miss Sunshine State: well, to be fair, I’ve been doing this since I was 19. And believe me, I don’t have shit figured out. LOL
sizzle: I think that’s the only thing I can say with confidence that I’ve “figured out” about life – that it changes.
And it only took me 28 years to master THAT bit of rocket science. LOL
Penelope: I’d be lying if I said I haven’t tried to give up. But the housing market? Well, that will snap you back to reality pretty quickly.
Mr. Fabulous: why do you assume I’d get caught?
You don’t know me at all.
Turnbaby: thanks sugar.
(Did that sound fake? Did I pull it off?)
Mindy: God I hope that’s not true.
whall: I don’t think I’ve ever asked Jared if he’s OK with me blogging about him. I’m not good with respecting other people’s boundaries.
Cissa Fireheart: I don’t know. Jackpot implies lots of Loot….
Mrs. Schmitty: I recommend a Sharpie for crossing out names and rewriting new ones. It has served me well.
PaintingChef: really? That surprises me. I always assumed your marriage was perfect. Seriously.
jenny: OMG! You can comment!!!!
Meh. I was having a clear day.
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Dear Britt,
:hug:
Kisses,
Poppy
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I’ll tell you why, sweetie. Because I don’t think you are a very good liar, and because I think you would panic.
But that just means you are a good person. :heartbeat:
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I sometimes feel like you and I are living very similar lives. I can very much relate to a lot of your posts!
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Kinda paraphrasing your Mom here… you are truly encouraging — to yourself and to everyone whose life has been touched by you.
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I’ve been doing the same thing — living my own life. Amazing what can wash right over you when you’re not basing your happiness on one thing.
Why don’t they print this shit in the handbook?
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Just don’t stop talking. The reason Daren and I are coming up on 10 years of ups and downs is because we never stopped talking. Especially through PPD and last year’s hot mess.
That and we’ve always had our own lives, our own friends, our own time away from each other. It works.
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I feel so, so diabetic.
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Dear Poppy,
:heartbeat:
Kisses,
Britt
Mr. Fabulous: I never panic. Ever.
But I am a horrible, horrible liar.
That comes more from my lack of a filter than being a “good person” though. LOL
radioactive girl tori: hopefully the good parts.
Dawn: :blush: gosh, thank you.
You know, I wonder if my husband would agree with that…
Finn: they invited girlfriends instead of handbooks. :heartbeat:
Karen Sugarpants: don’t stop talking. That sounds great in theory.
But I’ll be honest here. It is really, really hard to keep talking when you’re holding up the conversation on your own.
RW: you know, I swear I can’t win with you. I’m either too sweet or too angst.
You’d think you’d have adjusted to my extremes by now.
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I have holes plotted at all gun ranges and ponds here on post. There are at least a dozen different places I can ditch his body, and Florida isn’t that far from Georgia. You can have one of them if you really need it.
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Britt, you live in Florida, there is no need to dig… There is this wonderful place called the Everglades. They throw bodies in it all the time in movies and on TV. Use that.
(you know, if it comes to that…..)
On a more serious note, it is great that you understand that there are UPS and DOWNS, sometimes huge ones, in a marriage. That doesn’t mean it is over, it just means you have to hang to the faith, because really, after 8 years, you guys are probably golden.
:hug:
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Aww Britt. Sorry that you are experiencing the opposite of the high points right now. Sucks.
Still, I love that you accept the low points with such grace and aplomb. People still use the word “aplomb” right? It will be alright and it’s not the end of the world and the marriage isn’t over until someone walks away and never comes back, right?
P.S. – I envy the fact that you are able to blog about this stuff without creating a major rift between your husband and yourself. If I wrote about my marriage it would be over in a flash.
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What I find is that even if you know that marriage is made up of ups and downs, highs and lows, and you separate the “life challenges” from the “relationship challenges” – it’s still just a little disappointing to see that after all that time you can slip into a low and it usually sneaks up on you.
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Well written, well said. I think you’re both lucky to have each other.
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Ha Ha! Love the PS.
But man, this is SO my marriage, and you know what? I don’t know that we CAN come out of it. Too much has happened. Too many promises not kept (as in the alcohol he seems to love more than me) and all the bad things that alcoholics do.
Wow.
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If he doesn’t agree with it now, I’ll give him a kick-ass kick in the ass… then he’ll agree. And then he’ll wonder how come he didn’t notice it on his own.
:heartbeat:
(I don’t comment often because someone — or everyone — has already said what I would have said. So when I do comment, and it’s unique, know that it’s the truth.)
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Marissa: I so love a good accomplice.
themuttprincess: every time I think that – that at X years, we should be golden – I hear about a couple who got divorced after X times 2. Or ten.
Steph: First – I assure you I am not nearly as “graceful” off the page. Not always anyway.
Second – I am in awe when people say they “couldn’t” blog about something. Whether or not I am “allowed” to do something very rarely enters into my mind.
See what I mean about grace?
AmyD: you are so, so right. Saying you know and living through it are so not the same thing. At all. And I can’t help but think to myself “fuck!?! AGAIN?!! Already?!?!?!”
Carly: thank you.
Robina: addiction is a whole ‘nother ball of wax.
Addiction is not a hard time or a low.
It’s a third person in the relationship.
Dawn: gosh, thank you. That is very… encouraging.
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That was a really lovely letter. I wish I had thought to write something like that before it was too late for me. I have nothing but best wishes for the both of you.
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I’ll have to have my husband read this. I sure needed this. Just last week the Big D contemplation started in my mind for the one thousandth time in the last six months. Yet another one of those “rough patches”.
I’m glad this totally normal. We’ve still not fully recovered from my PPD and a whole slew of other crazy things.
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My fiance encourages me to blog. She doesn’t completely get it, but she knows what my main objective is behind blogging, so she supports it. And she does read my posts, mostly to play editor and catch any glaring errors before I make it public for all of the world (and RSS feeds) to see.
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Let me know if you figure out how to deal with that because Fun Daddy doesn’t acknowledge that issue at our house even though it is about 8 years of it. But then you don’t have to fix what you don’t see as broken.
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I’ll say this much… I wish my ex wife would’ve had the balls to call me out like this last year.
Great post, was like being punched in the gut, seriously.
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Don’t worry — I’m not all hearts and flowers, and my sappiness today is making even me a little bit barfy. But it’s my birfday and so I’m all “love all around!!!!” today.
I’m usually as snarky and snippy as you are.
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There is an art to figuring out how to get through the “challenging” times. I feel like I’m in one now, although I’m not sure he knows it. Still, wouldn’t want anyone but him in my house or my bed. Working through it, in my own time. We’ll get there. We always do. And so will you.
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Well said, as usual!
I saw some show – I have no clue what it was, but it featured some couple who’d been married for eons (I think it was 60+ years), and they said some stuff that really struck me. One of those things being, that they hated each other for a long time. Things will not always be good. That they, too, had contemplated divorce. They thought at one point of living in separate homes. I’d never heard anyone say that before! usually, I saw these couples who’d been married forever and said the same old BS like, “don’t go to bed angry and kiss each other every night”, so it was awesome and refreshing to see, finally, people actually admitting REAL problems. It also made me feel good about my own marriage, which sounds a lot like yours in many ways, and to realize that it’s possible to hate someone and contemplate divorce and even killing (haha) and yet still love them – wow.
Rock on, Britt – rock on. :rock:
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It does take a lot more confidence and trust to be able to live your own life within a marriage regardless of whether you are in a “good” spot or a “bad” spot at the time. It’s taken me a while to get to where I was confident enough to do the same.
I hope Jared takes this in the spirit it is intended.
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Wow Babe, that is an amazing letter from the heart. Total RESPECT, that is all I can say..
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I know. My parents waited until they had been together 20+ years…
BUT the thing is, they were NEVER happy together. EVER. So that has to count for something.
Hell, I have never had a relationship last 8 years.. Married or no. So, you have that on me!!
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I’ve got nothing but love for you, Britt. And as you well know, I understand your place completely. Have I ever told you that I admire your courage? Because I do…today more than ever.
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Wow, reading this was kind of searing, like I was reading someone’s private correspondence. You are brave to put this out there on the web, brave to be confronting this issue with your hubby. Sometimes things wax and wane, and it’s hard when you are in the low points to remember the high points. Hang in there.
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Lady Jaye: I sincerely appreciate your well wishes. I wish there was more I could say.
Sheila: it’s hard when it feels like you’re CONSTANTLY in a rough patch. You start to wonder if it’s a patch or the Sate of the Union. I know.
martymankins: that’s awesome. I really wish my husband would read my blog.
Maman: yeah, the “seeing” is the tough part.
that guy: wow. I’m really sorry. I wish there was more I could say than that.
Dawn: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Meg: an art that requires practice, unfortunately.
Sybil Law: it is really, really helpful to know I’m not the only one who has those thoughts.
Sleeping Mommy: honestly? I just hope he reads it. That would be a great start.
DutchBitch: thanks sweetie.
themuttprincess: yeah, I suppose that counts for a lot.
Hilly: you give me wayyy too much credit. This isn’t courage.
This is lack of other options.
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Fluffycat: heh, yeah, um – I have no boundaries or “privacy”. You get used to it.
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It sure does.
This too shall pass!
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dear jared,
i’m so thankful that you are supportive of britt’s blogging because believe it or not, she has made a positive change in my life. in about a month i’ll be in orlando and i hope i can buy you a beer.
becky
dear britt,
i’m incredibly happy that you know a happy britt will make your marriage stronger. :hug:
love,
becky
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Holy Crap. We are in the exact same marriage! Well, married to different people, of course.
I am going to have him read this. Wow. Just…wow.
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You’ve got guts, Blondie.
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Stumbled onto your blog – love it!
Will be back for sure!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
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It’s the highest of highs, the lowest of lows. I find the lows make you stronger, bring you closer. And well, make the highs that much more magnificient…
Now next time Jared gives you grief you can tell him “Well, you know what Nat did? Well she signed herself up for a 200 mile, 24 hour relay and they were short a runner so she signed up her man for it too. So he has to spend a day in a van with 10 smelly people he doesn’t know because she wants to run it.”
All relative.
Hang in there kiddo.
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Wow. Okay, so I lurk around here. But I lurk with a PASSION. This has been said a zillion times before, by others more articulate than i…but I really appreciate your gift, Britt. You seem to pull all of the unsaid thoughts right out of the crevices of my brain. Thank you so much for this one
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I was gonna comment. Somehow though, between your words and my life, I can’t put the words together. The writer rendered speechless. You don’t know me, but if I ever meet you, remind me that I owe you a hug.
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themuttprincess: Amen to that.
hello haha narf: he is always up for someone buying him a beer! :heartbeat:
TSM: heh – glad I could help?
Dragon: well – yeah, I suppose THAT’s true.
LOL Thanks.
Hallie: hi.
Nat: now there is an empty threat out of my mouth if I ever heard one.
I don’t run to the mailbox.
Rayne: thanks for coming out of lurkdom!
Winter: :hug:
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Fuck you for making me drop a tear.
That is all.
(psssst? i love you!)
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I wish I had had your wisdom in my marriage. You two are brave
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Good on you. You are wise for such a young ‘un. Recognising the temporary moments has kept me married for 17 years. As well as a supply of blunt objects under the bed. Just in case. XX00
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Wow, can I relate. Sometimes I just think of us as roommates. It can be darn right frustrating and quite sad. I appreciate you verbalizing this moment of your life, I often feel like I am the only woman who dislikes her husband far too frequently. And, just because someone has it worse than we do does not make it okay. I have contemplated life with him and life without him. What saddens me is, I think I would be okay without him. Marriage and relationships should enhance our lives, not hinder it.
Thanks for sharing, this could not have been easy…
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I think of marriage like a city, guarded by a tall watchtower. Over the past 16 years, my husband and I have taken turns keeping watch. When you’re both out of there, that’s when there’s trouble. But as long as at least one of you is up in there, even when it means you have to swallow your pride and compromise like crazy, everything will be OK. But somebody’s always gotta be up there, and sometimes each individual tour lasts years. Lonely, but so very, very worth it.
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I am just now finding time to get around to reading blogs I’ve missed in the past month, (and yes, I started with yours)
I very well could send this letter to Batman right now. There are walls between us. Oh I know I have given him more reasons to build the walls than War and Peace has pages. But I also know that I have put him and us through so much worse. And he stayed. He may have put some distance between us, but he hasn’t walked away.
I know that somewhere he still believes and he still knows that we belong together. I know that right now it’s hard, but it’s been hard before, and we made it through. This time will be no different.
Thanks for writing a letter I could have written. You have an amazing way with words.
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