My neck is officially wider than my head.
And lumpy. My neck is lumpy. Because there are two golf balls sticking out of the side of it just behind each ear.
My throat is swelling shut. It’s starting to get difficult to breathe.
My ears itch. The insides of my fucking ears itch.
And do you know why? Let me tell you why.
Because when a tiny blond creeps into my bedroom in the middle of the night and says “Mommmmmy, *sniiff* mommy? *sniff* I siiiiiiiiccck *sniff*” - I pull back the covers on my side of the bed and say “come here sweetheart. Come lay right up here beside Mommy and I will wipe your snot and rub your hair and rub your chest with and allow you to spew your germs all over me if that’s what makes you feel better.”
That’s why.
And how do they repay me?
By declaring War on my house while I am comatose in my bedroom.
Complete with a minefield by the front door.
Ungrateful little bastards.
Posted in Bitching Again Tagged: kids, parenting, sick
Kids suck.
why those un-grateful little angels
…. hope you are feeling better soon!
Awww, feel better sweetie. If I was closer, I’d come clean your palace for you!
That ain’t so bad. Wait till they decide to COOK something. Only you don’t have actual ingredients for anything, so they MAKE UP something to cook. And it tastes horrible, but could net you a million dollars as the BEST GLUE EVER, if only the little fuckheads could remember how they made it.
Ahem… I mean, I bet it would be WORSE if that ever happened to anybody…
And just think, they only get more selfish and messy the older they get!
That Spider-man thing is totally Jared’s.
I don’t know. I made a bigger mess with all my toys than that just last night.
I hate kids.
But, kids love me.
I find that very strange.
Kids are truly evil. They sneeze on you, the throw up on you and then they want to know why you won’t get up and make them breakfast/lunch dinner/ play with them. No sympathy.
And I want the totally pink minnie mouse!
When I was a kid, if I were to leave my toys laying around like that my parents would collect them then take them to an orphanage. Even worse, me and my brother would have to go with them when they delivered the boxes of our toys to other kids. Once that happened a couple of times, we learned to take better care of our stuff and put it away when we were done with it. Somehow, being face with consequences for our actions ended up being a real motivator!
My decision not to procreate seems smarter and smarter all the time.
Wait till they decide they are old enough to cut their own hair, like I did when I was 2.
Or pull a fire alarm in a public place…ya that was fun!
That is nothing. Wait until they hit puberty. Then you will want to stay in bed sick all the time.
sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling well. oh hate itchy insides of my ears. too strange of a feeling.
regarding the lumpy and sore throat, i respectfully submit the following remedy, even though it sounds, and truly is, disgusting:
have jared go to the store and buy ORGANIC apple cider vinegar. (it must be organic with whatever the hell “mother” is floating around in it.) shake the jar of vinegar well, then put three or four tablespoons of it into a mug. add at least a tablespoon of honey. fill to the top with hot water. stir well. sip this tea brew that you have made.
there is something about organic apple cider vinegar that is so good for you. i hate the tea so i do what can bring tears to my eyes and tilt my head back, then dump a tablespoon of the stuff straight back onto my tonsils. i attempt to gargle or simply hold it there as long as i can before swallowing. NOT EASY! weird thing is, my sore throat will be gone within the hour. magic!
no matter what you do, i hope you are feeling well soon.
The things we do for our children, most of them are unthinkable BEFORE our kids arrive on the planet. But we suck it up and do just about everything for them.
It’d be nice if they’d reciprocate.
Does she give you a ‘wet willy’ too just to make sure you’re listening to her? I hate those!!
Get better soon! You have to be in Philly soon!
Argh. Been there, dude. Feel better.
Awww… they are cute y’know. Feel better.
My kids decided last week to move ALL (really, all) of our shoes to the front foyer.
They pay you back even better when they’re 13 and you’ve slaved for five days repainting and decorating their room to get it done in time for their birthday and then they have a birthday sleepover with five other sweaty, farting 13 year olds who eat pizza and drink red punch in my living room and then have popcorn at 1 in the morning, but instead of eating it, they throw it at each other.
The gratitude never ends.
Don’t worry, even if you didn’t let them into bed with you (I usually don’t) they will still give you the germs.
We have a couple of those six shooter nerf dart guns. My daughter shot herself in the face with one yesterday. Twice.
this is why, when they are sick, i invest in purell. lots and lots. and i don’t allow any sort of cuddling or touching of mama. haha
My kids get me by being perfect angels with my husband while I’m sick.
Then as soon as it looks as if I might live, they bring their disgruntlments, bickering, and whines full force on me. A weeks worth of problems needing to be resolves right there. What the fuck!
Couldn’t they have left some of this for their father?!
Nope, just made me moan, want to slit my wrists, and hope for an illness so bad they wouldn’t dare bring me their squabbles about who drank my chocolate milk or who went into who’s room or who called dibs on that exact spot on the couch.
What the living fuck!
Errr..get better.
Seems to me that when you catch something from a kid it’s always 10 times worse you than it was for them. Feel better soon!
And all those bad feelings get washed away when one of them picks a flower from the garden, gives it to you, and says “I Love You” !
I hope you are feeling better soon.
I can relate. I just endured five days of fever and golf balls and itchy ears. Uck. Hope you feel better soon!
Moms are unsung heroes. Even with all the songs written about them, they are not nearly “sung” enough.
Hope you get back to yah smartass self real soon! Poor baby!
For payback, send them on an outing ad while they are gone you can hide all their toys somewhere they won’t find them.
Sorry the little germ farms gotcha.
I hope you feel better–Hello’s remedy works!
That’s how they sucker you in: first by being cute and then by being sick. Clever little buggers.
Hope you feel better soon.
You totally gave me your cooties in the Flaming Volcano, and now I am looking forward to infecting an entire room full of geeks who think they can stop attackers from penetrating their systems.
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Wait a sec here….! Are you telling me all it takes is like three magic words for you toss back your covers and invite people into your bed where you will snuggle them and “rub them” til they “spew”?!!
uh… Mommy I’m Sick!!
OMG, are you taking pics of my house again??? I usually bribe them with candy when I am sick to stay in one room. And only trash that one.
I think they were just trying to protect you from intruders “Home Alone” style.
Sweet, brave little toasters!
Ain’t kids grand?
Dogs do that stupid shit too.
Ungrateful little monsters.
I hate that when you’re sick, kids could give a shit. They still expect you to play with them, entertain them, read to them, when all you want to do is die a slow death, in your bed, while watching reruns of “Dallas.”
Feel better, hon!
“It’d be nice if they’d reciprocate.”
This will never happen, and I’m not so sure it’s supposed to. We as adults expect kindness for kindness in our relationships with others, and we too often think our kids will be the same way. “Surely they realize how much we do for them?!” we moan and wonder why they don’t *get* all the effort we put into raising them. But let’s face it - kids just don’t think that way at this early stage. I rest assured in the fact that one day they will come to understand how much we as parents sacrifice for their happiness and well-being. For now, I just keep dishing it out and building them up . . . as difficult as it is most days.
This is my first visit here, having read many of your comments on Maggie’s blog. Much fun here, and I’ll be back soon . . .
Brian
Sorry. That last post was from me, but I hit submit before filling in all the information.
I need a nap . . .
Brian
They really don’t look as though they’d be too big for the ol’ basket floating down the river solution. ;-)
Longtime lurker, delurking to tell you this is only one of the reasons why I enjoy your blog sooooooo much.
You keep it real. I also like you b/c you use the word “fuck.” A lot. I like that in a blogger.
I’m childfree for the reason you cited above plus about one bazillion more I’ve never head time to jot down.
I’ll return to lurking status now, plus I have to unpack. I need a vaca after my vaca.
Stepher
Don’t be too mad. I can clean the house for hours, go outside an hour, come back, and Ariana has all her shit piled in the living room again! I swear she plans on going behind me messing things up as I clean them.
Oh my gosh, it looks like MY house, only with different toys. That’s what they do to me while I’m deep-cleaning one of the bedrooms or the basement: they move to the living room and obliterate it.
Sorry. Hope you feel better soon.
J.
Oh, I hope you feel better soon.
My kiddos do the same thing to the house — BUT, they aren’t even sick! That is, not yet . . .
ahhh, the stool.
I always know things are very, very bad when I enter a room and see the dreaded stool.
LOL
I am much messier than my son - he is extremely tidy for an 11 year old. But he does like sharing his germs with me. Hope you feel better soon.
my gf hate my kids even her own, i gotta take care of them all the time she wants nothing 2 do with them