Do you ever notice that when you talk about rape or abuse or sexual assault, people come out in droves to tell you that they’ve been through something similar?
And no one is surprised.
And why should they be? We’ve all heard the statistics. 1 in 6 women (and 1 in 33 men) will be sexually assaulted. 60% are not reported to the police. Every 2 minutes, someone in the US is sexually assaulted. Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants.
It is alarming how often women are used and abused, seen as nothing more than a means to an end. Or at least, it sure as hell should be alarming.
Although, if you turn on the TV or sit through a modern day film, you’re probably not at all surprised to see women exploited and objectified over and over again. Hell, you may not even notice it anymore.
So, what do we do?
We can donate money. We can counsel survivors. We can listen to people tell their stories and we can even try and tell our own. We can do everything we can to help these victims heal and get on with their lives.
After the fact.
But is that enough? Shouldn’t we be trying to prevent this from happening in the first place?
I thought about this on Wednesday as I watched the comments come in. I watched as person after person shared that they knew the pain intimately, and I wished that it wasn’t so easy for so many people to relate. I wondered what we could do to make a difference – what could I do to stop this from happening over and over again?
We can teach our daughters about safety. We can talk about dangerous situations and teach them self defense. We can build them up so that they know they deserve better than that. And to some degree, I think that helps.
Except for the 73% of rape victims who are attacked by someone they know, and in most cases trust.
It occurred to me that perhaps the fatal flaw in our efforts is in our focus on the women who so rightly evoke our compassion and sympathy.
The problem is not inherent in the victims and would-be victims. The problem is inherent in the attackers and would-be rapists. The problem is in the men and boys who grow up seeing women as objects to be controlled and dominated.
In as much as it is our daughters who are most likely to become victims, it is our sons who are most likely to become victimizers.
And that’s who needs to hear your story.
Your brothers. Your friends. Your nephews. And especially, your sons.
They need to know that “boys will be boys” is not an excuse. They need to hear that the same morals and ethics and sexual standards that we apply to our daughters apply to our sons. They need to know that every woman they encounter, no matter how she’s dressed or how she dances or how much she has had to drink, is someone’s daughter. Or sister. Or mother.
They need to know that you don’t have to be better than a woman to be a real man.
They need to be told that “you’re such a girl” is not an acceptable insult.
They need to be taught that it is not tolerable to leer at a woman and strip away her humanity so that you can get a better view of her tits and ass, simply because you don’t know her.
And they need to hear it from us. They need to hear when we shut off the radio and turn the channel on the TV as a reminder that exploitation is never “normal”. They need to hear it from their fathers who refrain from objectifying women in the name of male bonding.
If the statistics and climate of sexual assault is going to change, it is our sons as much as our daughters who need to hear our stories. And they need to hear it from you.
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Posted in Serious Discussions - Politics, Religion, Society, uncategorized Tagged: parenting, rape, rape prevention, sexual assault, sons
It’s due in large part to the lessons my mother taught me and the excellent example that my father set for me that I have the respect for women that I do. And if a boy can be taught that respect without having the potential chilling effect of scaring him from doing or saying anything for fear of offending or assaulting, I’m all for it.
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We teach our kids that all people are to be treated with respect – you respect their space, their property, and them. At 5 and 7 – it’s what they understand. At 10 and 12 – they’ll get a different lesson. And they are also learning by seeing how their Dad treats me, and how other members of my family treat women. The violence can stop with our generation… we can teach our children to know better.
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Sometimes it is really daunting when I realize I have two boys (and a girl) and I’m responsible for the people they will become. My husband and I talk about this all the time, and it’s scarey. But we do our best to teach them to be gentle and considerate of others and to stand up for themselves too.
Did anyone ever say it was easy? No. But I’m not sure we ever really knew it would be this hard.
Excellent post Britt.
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I agree wholeheartedly. As does my son. And husband, for that matter.
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These are things I hope I have instilled in my 15 year old son. I may have him read this post tomorrow morning.
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It’s not enough to just teach them this specific lesson. They must also have the strength to adhere to it when the gang mentality pushes them to the brink.
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It is posts like these that make you my hero.
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avitable: I don’t think I’m at all raising my son to be scared of offending someone. At. all. (unfortunately)
Fantastagirl: yep, you’re right. It definitely starts young and is taught in age appropriate ways. In our house that right now that translates to “a hug isn’t a nice thing anymore when the other person doesn’t want to be hugged.”
Sleeping mommy: in part you are. But just in part – as scary as THAT is.
Yeah, I wish we could raise our kids in a box. Like chickens or something.
TSM: and your husband probably has just as much influence (if not more) in that regard than you do. Good for him.
Turnbaby: you’re absolutely right. Especially after reading Karen’s post, I’m wondering how we instill that in them.
Mr. Fabulous: really? Thanks babe.
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Yes. No more being the silent ones. Men must start talking. Telling others they won’t stand on the sidelines anymore. Thanks for inspiring us.
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I think the lesson of respect is lost. Doesn’t matter who is getting. Teaching our daughters to be proud of who they are, and teaching our sons to respect others. But for everyone a large helping of self-worth and self-respect.
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My reply to this, once again, turned into a blog entry – I’ll link to you again, and you can read it at your leisure…heh.
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Another notch in your Blog Hero belt!
You are absolutely right. Again.
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I think you are right on. Boys should be taught about the dangers of being assaulted too.
When do you think is the appropriate age to start having these discussions?
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Woo Hoo! You go girl!!!
http://www.endabuse.org/cbim/ has a great campaign called “Coaching Men Into Boys” Take a look at a couple of the posters, especially the one “Awaiting Instruction”
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This post raises more questions for me. Questions like:
1. Why will the majority of abused women who finally find the strength to leave an abusive situation, most often place themselves into yet another abusive situation with another (usually) man? Are these women like the style of victims for bullies classified as “seeming to ask for it?” (If you ever taught school you recognize the geeky kid who delibratly pushes all the other kid’s buttons and ultimatly sports a shiner given to him/her from one of the other kids)
2. Is watching porn disrespectful to women? Because Avitable THINKS he is respectful but you KNOW he’s a big hairy perv.
3. What about the women who abuse men and boys? This is the silent crime that seems to be accepted by society. Why I even know of a blogger that made her male boss get a pedicure, took pictures of it, and posted pics of his purple painted toenails on her blog just to embarrass him!
The truth is I sit on state and local boards that address family and child violence. I work in two counties that lead the state that is a national leader in family and child violence. As a result I hear horror stories that make me tear up “like a little girl” on a regular basis. But teaching social skills to boys and men is not an effective approach. Years of trial and effort has proven that in a controlled classroom setting your “life skills” students will swear up and down to never engage in a non-respectful manner… and they hold firmly to those convictions until they are no longer in a controlled setting and feelings and emotions can run unchecked.
The real solution is put the crimes out in the public. Define them! Most people don’t realize they ar ein a cycle of abuse because it has never been explained the behavior is wrong. Allow the media to show the bruises, the cigarette burn brandings, the imprints left on little bodies after getting beaten with a “Mattel” product. Most importantly, victims need a safe, easily accessable way to report violence and they need real investagators. Don’t get me started on the investigations… that’s a whole new layer of abuse.
Oops! I completely screwed up my funny response and got all over your soap box.
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Very well said Miss Britt.
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I think I could say unequivocally that all of your readers will do all they can to ensure their sons, nephews, brothers, have respect for women. The hard part is getting the message across to those parents who don’t give a damn how their sons behave, who are not necessarily outraged by an assault on a woman. Back in the day when I was teaching, I saw that attitude of disinterest and detachment all the time from people from different socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds. In one particular case a 17-year old student of mine raped a girl in a younger grade in a story very similar to yours. His parents said to my face that there was no doubt in their minds the girl ‘deserved it.’ That she was a known ’slut.’ And they weren’t just saying what they felt they should in order to defend their child – they thought of the girl as nothing. I was chilled by it. That attitude is where the real problem lies. But it doesn’t mean it is an insurmountable problem. Education is the key, particularly with regard to the enablers who egg their rapist friends on. This boy was tried and convicted. I convinced his friends who knew he raped the girl, who had been there when it happened, to testify against him and we changed our Sex Education policy in the school as a result. I hope that because of it we saved many other girls and changed the attitude of many boys but it was such hard work. So in addition to getting parents to talk openly to their boys about rape we need it discussed in schools so we can counteract the damage done by the parents who think it doesn’t matter if the girl is a ‘bad apple.’ Sorry to go on – I feel quite passionately about this.
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Angry African: thanks for speaking out – before I ever wrote this post. Men like you are an example to the rest of the world that “boys will be boys” doesn’t mean “men will be pigs”.
You raise the standard.
Nat: I think you’re right. It all comes down to respect.
Squeaky Wheel: I’m looking forward to it.
Finn: “You are absolutely right. Again.” Do you know how much happier I’d be today if I heard this at home more often? *Le Sigh*
debkitty: I think it starts at birth – it starts with a culture of respect in the house.
It starts with kids SEEING it before they can vocalize it, you know? Turning off cartoons that are inappropriate, even if they don’t understand why.
Actually – Trish’s link in the comment below yours has some excellent examples.
Trishk: I am so, so excited to see this. You know, I don’t know where in the hell I will find the time, but I think this is a “cause” I would really like to devote my time to here.
Thank you for the link. And for doing what you do.
Y2K Survivor: here are MY thoughts on some of these questions.
1. Learned behavior. Lack of self respect and self worth. A need to connect with other people and not having other alternatives for doing so.
2. Yes, actually, I believe that it is. And it’s funny, because Avitable and I had quite the “discussion” about this last night after he’d read my post.
Making a conscious effort to look at a woman as “just a body” is disrespectful to ALL women, in my opinion.
3. OK – um… that’s a lot.
And you are ABSOLUTELY right about male victims going largely unnoticed. And again, it’s about respect.
Now, right at this moment (thanks to my husband) I am kind of hating on men. But in general – I don’t. I think it is possible to teach women to be proud of being women without swinging to the other extreme where we start lowering men.
Treasia: thanks.
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For the record, I don’t look at porn and see a woman as “just a body”.
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Selman: Wow – that is quite a story. I am so proud of you that you actually made a difference – both for that girl, and for the girls who may never know you helped them.
I think that we have to educate, like you said – in schools, etc. I also think there is a much LARGER issue of how our entire society views women.
But those seem like a lot of steps.
My son is one step I can take today. And my brothers another. And this blog another. And my purchase decisions another.
Etc, etc, etc
Seriously – I am freaking honored to know you, Selma.
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Avitable: for the record, you know I have a lot of respect for you.
But since you brought it up here…
Do you look at porn and see those women in a way that you would want another man to look/think about your wife?
Or me?
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This isn’t the forum for me to explain how the way that I look at porn isn’t objectifying women.
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This was an amazing post Britt. I’d never thought of it from that angle before.
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Right on sista!
I have three little boys and nothing is more important to me than having them learn a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
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Amen, sister. Amen. In addition to teaching Miss-Miss how to be aware, not place herself in dangerous situations, and make sure she’s educated in subject, I want Bubba and J-man to respect all women as they would me, their sister, their grandmothers. What you’ve said is a great point. Every woman is a daughter/sister/mother/etc. Think of them as family.
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Yeah that’s unfairly picking on Avitable in a post about abuse. Besides I like porn, and it is not because I want to objectify women but because I want THEM to objectify ME!! They would only have to do it for a really really short time… honest!
It’s an interesting and important topic we could discuss for day and just scratch the surface. I’m referring to Abuse… not porn watching motivation.
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I think it’s a complicated issue. My understanding is that the statistics are worse than you present – 1 in 4 women, 1 in 8 but probably 6 men. That’s virtually 25% of the population. Among these folks you have kids who were in child porn as well as people who had one time assault situations. So it’s impossible to really look at this wide range of situations with one solution.
IMHO, abuse is about power – always. It’s almost never about sex, sexuality or even respect. It’s about power and control.
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I know I have always made a conscious effort to teach my son these exact things. But, here is another thought… you know, there are men out there who’s mothers TRIED and there is just something BROKEN there.
On the flip side of all this. I know a very nice guy, VERY NICE, completely gentleman, dated my friend, adorable, has a successful business, HAD a house, etc. He pissed off the wrong girl. She filed rape charges. He lost his house and it nearly ruined him. Later, it was found out that this wasn’t the first time she had done this.
Which all of this has very little to do with your post. I know. Sorry.
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I think that children need to see first hand adults interacting (even arguing) to see that REAL adults handle such situations with words not fists, force.
I have to admit that I have tried my best to show my son to treat women with respect and to be thoughtful and mindful. The thing is it only went so far, now, I have a boyfriend that SHOWS him how to respect and treat women–even when that same woman pisses him of to such an extreme.
Leading through example. Hopefully this simple yet loving and logic filled teaching will show him that it is ok to be himself, but also to respect everyone.
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avitable: OK
Princess of the Universe: really? Well cool. I’m glad I could give you a reason to look at it from a different perspective.
Undomestic Diva: yeah, I think as moms we look at our sons as a unique challenge.
CMG: knowing you, they will all three be amazing.
Y2K Survivor: well, I think that whole porn thing could be an interesting discussion as well…
On a Limb with Claudia: I absolutely agree that it’s about power. But I also think that the need (or right) to exert your power over someone else is part of the whole “respect” thing.
But you are 100% right that there are MULTIPLE solutions. The ones I mentioned here are just a start.
AmyD: of course. That’s the scariest thing about parenting. You can do your best and something can still go terribly wrong.
But we do it anyway.
themuttprincess: I TOTALLY agree that it is OK, even a GOOD thing, for kids to see adults argue. It gives them examples of what to do with their anger and frustrations. It teaches them how to deal with arguments when they encounter them – because they will.
And I’m really, really glad for you AND your son that you have your boyfriend you have now.
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It would help parents out a lot if there weren’t so many school administrators who take the “boys will be boys” attitude when it comes to harassment on school campuses.
Not to mention the number of elected officials (both male and female) who honestly believe that women who are sexually assaulted “probably provoked it” and shit like that.
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I have twins daughters, who at the age of 4 were sexaully molested (they are now 6)…by their uncle, who is 15. Every day for 3 months….we had him arrested and he confessed to everything. He only got one nite in juvenile detention, and 6 mths probation. The “system” said they have great counseling for him…that was it! They also told us there were SO MANY files sitting stacked on the floor all the time with these type of cases….that defeated me completely. If we have GREAT counseling for “these” people, then why are there SO many doing it…and keep doing it?? There has never been any kind of remorse from him, and this is something that we as parents will have to live with forever as well as our girls. Nothing we ever be the same, we will always second guess everyone and thing. I have 3 nephews (my side of the family) from 5-10 yrs old…and my sister has never even talked to them ab what happened and says she won’t. Not even talk to them ab treating women or girls. Her 1st response was to what happened to HER nieces, “if that happened to us…we would leave town!” Wow! it is the parents who need to educate the kids….and protect them.
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Good post.
But I had also heard that the stats were higher. Twenty years ago it was like 1 in 5 women had reported a rape or attempted rape, with the actual number being guessed at closer to 1 in 3. And I think I had heard that 10 percent of sexual assault victims were male, though most of them were attacked as minors by other males.
More recently, I had heard of a study of male college freshman. When asked how many had raped a girl, 1 in 20 said yes, which matched up pretty close with the numbers that they had from arrest records and students known to be in therapy and such. But there was more to the questionnaire, and the number of male college freshman who admitted that they had had sex with someone who had said no or had sex with someone who was drugged or otherwise had forced a sex act on someone was 1 in 9. Like half of them didn’t even get it that they’d raped someone.
Scary.
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This is another article for the wall at work. Oh, Britt, I feel like I should be standing in a hall shouting Hallelujah with Jazz hands!
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AMEN, BRITT. Amen.
Gloria Steinem says it’s like going to the head of the river to stop people from falling in, rather than standing on the shores pulling them out.
Amen.
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I really would like to see more of a forum on why looking at porn isn’t objectifying women. Because “good” men argue that all the time that they don’t do that, but how can you look at a glossy anonymous naked woman and say it’s anything else?
Not trying to start trouble, just wishing we as a society would address that very question instead of burying our heads in the sand so we can have our guilty little pleasure.
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(“Good” was perhaps poor wording, but I mean the ones that claim they support women’s rights and don’t think women should be objectified like they are by their sleazy counterparts who openly objectify women)
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Wafelenbak, men are visually oriented. Women aren’t. (Generally speaking). A man masturbating to porn is using the images to create a fantasy, much like a woman might use erotic literature.
If I’m somehow objectifying women every time I masturbate, simply because I’m fantasizing, whether I’m using the Sears catalog, porn, a drawing, or nothing at all, then I guess here’s one “good” guy who’s objectifying women and must be a horrible person.
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