I bet you thought my husband was the only man I would trot in front of the Internet for my own amusement. Didn’t you?
Well, you were wrong.
My disrespect for manhood extends far beyond the narrow confines of The Man I Have Sex With. My irreverence knows no bounds. And yours shouldn’t either.
To prove my point, today we begin with a subject who is in no way at all my husband:
My boss.
(OK, so if you know my boss you might suspect he is an easy target. Play along.)
Once he is good and tied down comfortable, it is best to get to work quickly before he comes to his senses. In other words, roll up his pants and fill up the tub - so that it would be awkward for him to try and leave.
Before she pulls his hooves feet out of the water, it is helpful to thank the nice Asian lady. A lot.
After much poking and prodding and clipping and scraping and rubbing and cutting and shaving and tweezing… it is important to stop and check on The Subject.
And then, once you’ve ensured that everything is fine…
You break out the Purple Polish.
And that, my dear readers, is how you take another bite out of manhood.
Want to see the pretty purple piggies in all their glory? Bask in their awesomeness here.
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OMFG BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I was laughing at the photos on the way down but the last one nearly made me die because I was sucking in on my cigarette and nearly choked the fuck to death. Haaaaaaaaaa!
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 am
Your skills in Photoshop have improved dramatically.
Or you found a really good look alike for Avi.
Or…
Or…
Or he has absolutely lost his fucking mind!!!
Did you make him drink your kool-aid?
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 am
Oh thank god my dinner has digested!
Thanks for the laugh!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:24 am
Did you get him to load up on hair and skin products too?
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:30 am
haha. ha. Good, I think he needed that to prove that he does in fact have a vagina.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:42 am
HOOOOORRRRAAAAYYYYYYY!!!
I LOVE this boy!
And I want a pedicure SOOOOOO bad!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:47 am
Oh Lord, If I can face seeing it all again, I am showing this to my 15 year old son tomorrow. He had his pedicure last week. He wanted to kill me. At least I didn’t have to try and saw through dinasaur toenails!
Shit, I didn’t get them painted though! Always next time.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:01 am
Avitable’s a pretty pretty princess!
I am so jealous.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:03 am
OMG - too cute!
Britt, can you do a how to on how to add lettering to pictures like that in photoshop please. Or email me REALLY SIMPLIFIED WITH PICTURES directions?
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:04 am
Wow, you must have promised him some major sexual favors to get him in that chair. Though I’ll admit I’ve had pedicures before and really dug them. Seriously, a massage chair and a nice warm foot bath? Nice.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:09 am
Is he still pissed about it? I mean… normally he comments by NOW.
And you think I’M bad about my detest of all things male… you just hide yours better.
Of course, not so much after today.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:17 am
I can feel his heel scraping pain as he grabs onto the chair.
Otherwise fucking funny.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:35 am
Haha! How you two don’t have your own sitcom yet is a great mystery!
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Is there any man that cannot be metrosexualised?
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:42 am
Oh geez I’m sobbing laughing here! The hand gripping the chair - priceless! I can’t type, seriously, laughing so hard!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:12 am
that, my friends, is the photo definition of priceless. i was with you all along, thinking that it really is not a big deal to get a pedicure & that adam would enjoy it once he realized how good it feels to have your feet massaged by some crazy lady who speaks in tongues. but the purple paint?!??!! shitfuck, even I don’t use purple paint! wow. just wow!
love you two.
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:23 am
p.s. why can’t i get the link to them in all of their glory? what did adam do to the link?
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:24 am
BEST. POST. EVER.
I can die a happy man now.
That pedicurist lady should have received hazardous duty pay for dealing with those feet.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:00 am
Total awesomeness!
It’s about damn time someone did something about his feet!
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
I meant that in the most loving way…no offense to Adam or anything…
I keep forgetting that no one can hear my “voice” when I type!
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:20 am
By the way, my post is working now. I don’t know why it wasn’t working before.
I keep looking down and surprising myself with my own feet!
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:22 am
Awww, what adorable feetsies… I’m impressed. You got game, Britt…
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:29 am
Ummmmm…could you write me a note? I don’t think I feel well enough to go to school today.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 am
Man, that is one brave, brave, brave woman.
I wonder what I’d have to do to get my man in for a pedicure.
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 am
That’s hawt!
Why’d you leave out the photo with the belt sander?
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:58 am
HAHAHA!! You have TOTALLY given me a reason to take Misk to the salon now!! If Avitable can do it so can he!
Although, I probably run the risk of making te pedicure lady losing her lunch since Misk has GROSS NASTY SCAR TISSUE on his feet….
muahahaha!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:03 am
Well, that’s pretty awesome.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 am
That’s beautiful, maybe I should take Erik for a pedi…I think he’d like it a lot. He’s always painting his toenails anyway.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 am
Girl, you gotta make sure he wears those beautiful purple toes to TC!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:23 am
OMG DYING LAUGHING!!! You are a goddess.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:24 am
Now that’s a REAL friend!!
I almost died at the pic of Avi gripping the chair!!
Now, can you get my hubs to get a pedi too? Just show him yer tatas, I’ll let you.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:31 am
Wait. Did you show him your boobs or not?
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:31 am
That rocks!!!
Showing it to The Chief. Let’s see if he will dare to defy me after that. I’ll tell him I’ll have Miss Britt on his case if he doesn’t…
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:37 am
Britt, that is awesome.
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 am
YOU.FUCKING.RAWK!
OMG awesome!!! That lady will be talking about his feet for months–omg I hope he tipped her accordingly.
I know who is going next *giggling*
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:49 am
Dear God! You must have some spectacular dirt on him for Avi to do this!!
You DO have dirt on him right?
It was a dare??? PLEASE SAY IT WAS A DARE AND NOT HIS CHOICE!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 am
Now that takes guts! Anyone who would touch those feet deserves a metal.
But they do look a little bit better. He needs to go every other week for a bit longer (like maybe a year)
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 am
The both of you are fucking awesome. Do you talk about how to shock your following first before doing these kinds of things? I would seriously like to know what the Asian lady was thinking that whole time. Thanks for the laugh… I SO needed it
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 am
And ya know, it’s amazing how good they look!! So what’d you black mail that man with??? HMMMM????
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:01 am
Way too sexy!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:02 am
beautiful!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:06 am
Kentucky Girl: Oh God - I’m glad you didn’t choke. I’d hate to have your death on my hands!
NYCWD: We serve no Kool-Aid here. Only Crystal Light.
Jen: any time!
Jay: the man already has more hair and skin products than I do.
Amanda: next step - tampons.
Britt’s Mom: make Creed go with you.
Mary: it’s not a pedicure without polish.
Dave2: you want me to make you an appointment in Philly? I’ll hold your hand.
bluepaintred: I emailed you - I’m not sure if that’s what you were looking for though. Let me know if you were wondering about something else.
Karl: nope, no sexual favors. You seriously underestimate the power of my awesomeness.
AmyD: what do you mean? Here you can see I am clearly CELEBRATING manhood.
kim: the scraping doesn’t hurt though! He’s just a pussy.
Creed: you bring up an excellent point. Who here knows a Hollywood producer?
Ella: I don’t think so.
Penelope:
yay! I love laughing so hard you cry!
hello haha narf: yeah, he screwed up his link. It’s working now.
Mr. Fabulous: oh believe me, she did.
Lisa: I know - they were skeeving me out. I’ve been trying to get him to have this done for MONTHS.
avitable: ohhh Adam, there are so many jokes I could make right now.
But, well, it just doesn’t seem fair now. Considering.
Miss Anne Derstood: thank you *bows* thank you *bows* *blows kisses to the crowd* *waves like a winner* thank you
Kimberly: Dear Kimberly’s school -
She has been traumatized by man feet. She will need to stay home today.
Signed,
Miss Britt
(how was that?)
Nat: I recommend bribery and much stomping of feet.
kapgar: actually, much to my surprise, they don’t use belt sanders here. They did in Iowa - must be some kind of code or something.
Cissa Fireheart: yes! yes! carry our message onward!
Rich: see what you’re missing?
Robin: oh you absolutely should! They feel AWESOME - and men get treated like VIPs in the salon too.
The Absurdist: well, I don’t think he’ll be able to get it off himself - and I’m refusing to help…
Karen Sugarpants: I’m just a humble servant, doing the Lord’s work.
sam: I assure you - my tatas do not inspire. I recommend berating instead.
Nobody™: MY boobs? Oh God no. No one wants to see that. Believe me.
DutchBitch: damn straight, keep that man in line!
Mike: well thank you.
Turnbaby: well *I* tipped her - and she wanted her own pictures. lol
metalmom: well, I do have dirt - but that was unnecessary.
I simply bargained with the possibility of my company at lunch.
Funny thing? I am totally not kidding. That was our deal.
Trishk: yep, that’s what the manicurist said, “You bring him back here every two weeks. Two weeks! It not hurt so bad you do TWO WEEKS!”
Mindy: lol, no, we don’t talk about how to “shock our following”. LOL It more goes like “OMG, I wonder if I could make him do THIS… hey… adam?”
Robina: having lunch by himself.
debkitty: lol, oh yeah, absolutely.
Jules: awww, he’ll appreciate that.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 am
I hope you tipped her at least 50%. AT LEAST. That’s fucking amazing, and she’s a very brave woman…lol.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:18 am
Where the fuck AM I ans who ARE you people!?
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:24 am
And what have you done to my ability to spell???
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:25 am
It wasn’t the scraping that hurt. It was the tickling. I almost kicked her in the face once, so I had to hold on tight to avoid that from happening.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:34 am
OMG this so rocks! What cute little cupcake toes he has now!
I laughed at him gripping on to the chair because I do that too but only because I hate getting a pedicure. Don’t kick me out of the girly club though…I DO it cause beauty is pain but I hate it!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 am
Aw, damn! Avitable torture! FUN!
Thanks for the laughs, hon!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
I hope you tipped that poor woman well; I still have nightmares about how his feet looked.
Think he’ll keep the polish on until TequilaCon? Maybe we can all go get pedis together!
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:02 am
OH. MAH. GAH.
I am
I am thoroughly revol — no,
no
SPEECHLESS.
I am speechless.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
I think I just threw up a little. No offense to your boss. Who looks like a very nice man.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
I think you deserve a raise.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
oh man, it was a pedi day? fab!
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Your photo essays are the best. Purple! Unbelievable.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:14 am
What about the HAIR Britt?? THE HAIR!! sheez. Who cares about his toe nails! Could we discuss his lack of body hair grooming???
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Yeah, I agree with Claudia - we need to get him manscaped. I mean, he’s gotten a pedi, so what’s the problem? He can handle it. We’re relying on you Miss Britt!
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
And his feet are so white! He has “golfer’s feet” meaning his tan line stops at his ankles. Just like my husband does (um, minus the purple nail polish - there ain’t enough tequila on the planet to get him to do THAT!)
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
One question…how many pair of nail clippers did she destroy in the process?
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
You are my hero. HERO!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Squeaky Wheel: I think it worked out to about 80% tip, actually.
RW: aw, man, I’m hurt.
avitable: I forgot about that. That was funny.
Or at least, it could have been.
Hilly: I think getting a manicure hurts like a sonofabitch.
CMG: it is fun, Condi was right!
Finn: I’ll do my best to keep them purple.
maggie:
now I know you’re lying.
All Adither: you don’t love man feet? Doesn’t everyone love man feet?
OK, I think I just threw up a little too.
themuttprincess: me too.
Crys: you should come with us next time.
Black Belt Mama: why thank you.
claudia hall christian: he takes care of that himself once a week.
MyWeeWorld: he gets waxed and shaved once a week!
Bonnie B.: I know, it looks fake it’s so bad.
Trukindog: I only counted two.
Sybil Law:
I get that a lot.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I had a pedicure once. But I also got sex afterwards, too.
So where was the picture of the boobs? Did it not make the post? Get deleted?
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Good Lord, I love you.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I also let him know that I thought so as well. Because, I knew you thought so. How could you not?
You got your BOSS to get a PEDI with colored POLISH!!!!!!!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
You are terrible. I love you.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Wonder what Hermione will say about those?? The person I mean not the ‘tiddler’!
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
You are my freakin’ hero. I didn’t really see him as a ‘purple’ nail polish person but damn it suits him!
A goddess are you!
April 22nd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
April 22nd, 2008 at 7:14 pm
You are teh magnifico. Inspired and inspiring!!!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Well, at least you selected a manly shade of purple.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:17 pm
I’m so speechless… I wonder even if I could convince Mr. Incredible to do it, if this small town could handle a guy wanting one….
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:18 pm
this has completely made my day.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I am truly amazed. You have a gift. Please promise me you will use your powers for good and not for evil.
J.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:48 pm
[...] Confused? Befuddled? Horrified? Concerned for the fate of my sexuality? Go find out how the hell this happened. [...]
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:28 am
martymankins: oh there were no boobs. There are never boobs when I promise them.
Scout’s Honor: getting laughed at is OK, when it’s for a good cause.
Maria: he he he, the things that inspire love just amuse the hell out of me.
themuttprincess: this is true. I need to add that to my resume.
Suebob: terribly AWESOME!
gail: ummm… ??
Bec: remember that whole “hero” bit, I might ask you to repeat that. Soon.
Tracy Lynn: we all have to do our part to make the world a better place.
Deb on the Rocks: sweet. I’ve been going for “inspiring” forEVER!
Emily: I think that’s what it was called. A “manly shade of purple”.
Mrs. Nobody: oh honey, I know where you live. Don’t. He’ll be hung.
ali: glad to help.
HoosierGirl: I can promise MOSTLY good.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:09 am
Those are huge feet. And just the thought of clipping someone else’s toenails makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:05 am
I don’t think I could do pedicures. I tickle myself when I touch my feet.
You have very pretty toes.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
[...] someone promised him boobs if he would get a pedicure. He did, even going so far as to paint the toenails [...]
April 24th, 2008 at 3:16 am
That is totally hot. Especially the purple polish.
Drool.
April 24th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Okay, the nail polish was a bit over the top! But then again, what with all of the grooming, primping, & preening that even regular guys are expected do these days, it’s enough to make you wonder… Are we all becoming metrosexual?
April 26th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
So I’m browsing my Google Reader recommendations because I’m sick and don’t feel like working…up comes your blog. This post convinced me to hit the subscribe button and stick around. Girl, you made my Sunday!
April 27th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
One word: awesome.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:01 pm