I’ve been trying to eat healthier and force feed my family more nutritional stuff as well. Part of this involves me buckling down and getting back on my low carb diet. Part of that involves me running all over hell and highwater (where is highwater, exactly?) in search of all the ingredients needed for various low carb recipes. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to find soy flour?)
That’s the preamble. Now, let’s get to making “Low Carb Quick White Bread“, shall we?
Officially: whey protein powder*, egg white powder*, baking powder, Splenda, salt, heavy cream, eggs, water, and olive oil.
*Will require a body part (preferably an arm or a leg) in exchange for.
THEN! You mix the DRY! with the WET!.
Then you wait for 15-20 minutes. I recommend you pass the time having a cigarette. Because this is all about getting healthy.
Popularity: 3% [?]
Posted in Photo Essays Tagged: baking, low carb, Photo Essays
Next time, don’t get your recipe from http://www.foodthatwillpunkyou.com.
Reply
could be worse…i could have made it. seriously.
although to cook in your kitchen would be a hole bunch better than cooking in my kitchen. but i still ain’t gonna do it. besides, don’t they have bakeries down there in orlando?
Reply
Wow, that totally looks like time well spent.
Reply
Clearly, those of us with straight hair are only noticing your amazing hair. I have hair envy. I have tried making bread, it’s never worked out for me.
Reply
And THIS is why Crys swears that low carb is a joy-less diet.
There is no joy in that. There is only…
“Wow, I need to drive to the store and buy some fucking Rainbo White Bread!”
And… you can’t, because you are low carb dieting.
And yet, there is joy in a smaller ass.
If only I could reconcile those two.
*sigh*
:blush:
Upside! Your ass is WAAAAAAY smaller than mine!
Reply
So was it tasty?
Reply
Mmmmm, half-risen eggy goodness. I made a similar thing once and it puffed up like a big souffle and was raw in the middle. Good thing was, it put me off bread for a few days!
Reply
heh heh heh When you hold up those big red bowls that are the same color as your shirt… I kept thinking you had giant red plastic boobs. I really enjoyed this post til I looked closer.
Reply
Heh.
I got the most perfect chocolate chunk cookies this weekend.
So you know I just have to gloat about that fact.
Oh… and I do like the purple writing. Although next time… try orange. Orange is the new purple dontcha know?
Reply
I wanna cook in your kitchen – it’s much better than mine!
Reply
It looks like a giant, rectangular Egg Mcmuffin. Put some cheese and bacon on it. Oh wait ….. it’s supposed to be “healthy”, isn’t it?
Reply
aaaaaaaaahahahaha! i don’t understand…you’re always such a good cook when I’M around! :clap:
which MEANS…it is my DUTY to come see you this summer! love you sis!
Reply
That is one sexy looking loaf there :clap:
Reply
You could have dazzled us by calling attention to your gorgeous countertops. Those things are beautiful to look at in those pictures. I could stare at ‘em all day.
Oh — and the granite surfaces in your kitchen are nice as well.
Reply
Ah, my favorite kind of post. I’m addicted to these.
Highwater is in Ohio.
Reply
avitable: what do you mean? It’s from GRANDMA!!
hello haha narf: they do have bakeries, but I don’t think they bake low carb bread.
Karl: I know. To think I could have been roller blading instead.
kim: man, clearly you people with straight hair have low standards for what looks amazing… I like that in a girl.
AmyD: I already had bread (for the kids) AND low carb tortillas on hand – I mean, come on, with MY track record?!?!
I’ll let you know how my next effort in the bread machine goes.
Jay:
Jared says he thinks it would be “fine” with some cheese and bacon.
Selma: yeah, I’m not exactly craving a slice myself right now.
Y2K Survivor:
yes, I have giant plastic boobs. Is that hot?
NYCWD: I SHOULD try Orange. Why do I always forget that?? Oh… and I don’t really “do” chocolate, so :nana:
CharlieDaniels: my kitchen must photograph well. LOL
Zom: it’s supposed to be low carb – that would totally count!
Creed: I only make stuff I’ve mastered when you’re around I guess.
Dee: oh yeah, especially the left side.
Shiny: but I drew borders!!
Rich: Ohio? That makes sense.
Reply
Did you just make a quiche out of a white bread recipe? Good sport of your hubster, that picture is priceless!
Reply
Kick-ass counter tops, hon!
And now, you can officially tell people that you’re a mad scientist ’cause that looks like a Judge Dredd/North Korean cloning experiment gone horribly wrong.
Reply
You have the best photo essays!
Reply
And to add insult to bread disaster, it looks like your husband laughed at you.
I’m sure there will be payback. I’d like to see a tutorial on “Jared knits a sweater”
Reply
Keep at it babe, I think you’re on to something!!
Reply
I do not think bread is meant to be low-carb. I’m just sayin’. And also, I must warn you. The next time you circle TINY CUTE PARTS OF YOUR BODY and call them NOT FAT, clearly meaning you think they ARE FAT… *I*, who clearly AM FAT will come to Florida and kick your ass.
Seriously, you are so adorable…
Reply
You have many fine qualities. It doesn’t matter that you are a shitty cook.
Reply
Like everyone else, I love your countertops. Let’s just keep talking about how pretty your kitchen are. We will forget all about whatever it was that you were trying to make or not make or something.
I never did understand how you can have low carb bread, though. That is just wrong.
Reply
:banghead: yep, this keeps me coming back
… this and the vagina stories
Reply
Ok–only you could make a recipe post this funny. which is good, because I haven’t had a decent carb in about a week, and I was all excited.
*Sigh* Off to eat more pepperoni and string cheese.
Reply
Ok… I think it is time to have a heart to heart talk with your oven. You didn’t cook the bread, the oven did. You just put the ingredients together. Apparently your oven does not know what team work is. If it doesn’t shape up soon. I think you should fire it!
Reply
I’m sorry. You lost me at the whey…
Reply
I think you can buy low-carb bread in the store, in this day and age.
Reply
Sue: a quiche? Uh…yes! Yes, I did! Genius wasn’t it?!?!
CMG: horribly, horribly wrong.
Jen: lol, thanks. Luckily, I have lots of screw ups to document.
Little Miss Sunshine State: nah. He was too busy spitting in the sink to laugh.
Britt’s Mom: yeah? Well after the $XXXX I spent, I have to keep trying.
Miss Anne Derstood: a HA! Success! My massive scribbling is clearly working on you!
Mr. Fabulous: I am NOT a shitty cook! Honest! I just can’t BAKE. Or “improvise”.
Trishk: not as wrong as me walking around looking 4 months pregnant. I swear I have posted a gazillion pictures of my kitchen. There must have been more interesting things to look at in those photos. lol
Willie G: oh man, you must HATE when I get all deep and shit then, huh?
Honeybell: good for you!!!!!!!! I PROMISE I will let you know when I get it right.
And also? Spaghetti. Squash. Will save your sanity, I swear.
Mindy: you bring up a good point. Damn oven!
RW: ohhhhhhh… is THAT where I went wrong??
Reply
Lynda: yes and no. It’s hit or miss if you can find it and it’s not REALLY low carb.
Besides, I thought if I could bake my own it would be less expensive.
Reply
Do you have a whole foods, central market or sprouts near you? They should all have the bins of all those types of flours and other very weird stuff.
Reply
This is why I say that Low-Carb is evil. I eat whole grains instead.
Reply
*giggle*
Low-carb = unnatural.
(Yep, smartass right here. And bigass. Big, lovely ass.)
Reply
@Dawg: Those cookie bottoms were beautiful, weren’t they… Have any left to take a picture? All the cookies I had left are being devoured by LittleOnes.
Reply
I have three words for you:
Sunbeam Bread Machine
Reply
you could maybe get a biscuit cutter and drop them on top of a bowl of chili or something?
Reply
Ahh Ha Ha! Thanks for the laugh, once again! Looks like something I tried to make for Christmas one year. I had to let it “rise” and forgot about it, till the next moning, when it had grown to encompass the whole kitchen counter! LOL
Reply
If you are fat then I am underweight. I will be laughing at that all day.
Your bread looks interesting.
4 days until Philly!
Reply
Dear.God.Woman.
Low carbing isn’t that difficult. LOL
You are too cute though.
Reply
Ok, I was thinking bread machine as well and then I was also thanking God that you weren’t making banana bread.
Did I miss the post where you decided to go all low carb?
Off to eat a loaf of bread…
Reply
hey, you didn’t make fun of me for fucking up the spelling of whole!
p.s. since jared likes bacon so much, you might wanna consider the look that is rocking over at my place today. as mattman said, all you would have to do is lay in the sun for a bit and jared would be a happy, happy man.
Reply
The Absurdist: not that I’ve been able to find. I did find a healthfood store close by yesterday though.
Finn: my problem is I don’t do anything in moderation. Low Carb is the only way that won’t kill me.
Poppy: well MY big ass is not lovely. It’s jiggly. In a bad way.
Marissa: yeah, I know, I know. I have one too. I thought this would be “easier”. :rolleyes:
Crys: OR I could throw it away. I’m leaning towards that.
Robina: oh please God tell me there are pictures of that.
Shelli: I can bring you a slice to Philly! It’s only 4 DAYS AWAY so it should still be fresh!
themuttprincess: no, it’s really not – but after three years you start to look for some new things to add to the diet.
Lisa: I’ve been on a low carb diet (mostly) since my daugther was born three years ago. I lost about 40 lbs doing it. Problem is, I haven’t been paying attention to what I eat at all for about 2 months.
And I love banana bread!!
hello haha narf: I saw that. And then I thought… you know… I have a hard enough time keeping him off my tits during the day.
Reply
And the only person I make fun of for spelling mistakes is Avitable, because he’s a pretentious ass.
Reply
I get that…
I just came back to tell you that you are, in fact, NOT FAT. And that I hate it when my fucking strapless bra slips and why can’t they make one that doesn’t or at least make tank tops that you can wear with a regular bra so the fucking straps won’t show and you won’t look like Trailer Trash Barbie sans the large boobs and ciggie dangling from your mouth?
I’m just sayin’.
Reply
Looks like the oven was too hot on top – did you preheat or just turn it on and stick it in? 450 is really hot for bread (btw). Sorry – I was baking when I was like 2.
Hope you had something better to eat.
Reply
I’m feeling crappy today and this post totally had me laughing.
That’s it. You’re definitely getting bookmarked.
Reply
…and that’s why i stick with my best friend Cinnabon…
Reply
Hey, what’s wrong with that? Most of my brilliant creations look along those lines…
I’m into pure Pillsbury white-ass dough boy for all our nutritious transfat laden baked goods.
You’re too funny :lmao:
Reply
Oh my.
Reply
Don’t toss it out, that’s methane just waiting to heat up the planet.
(This is why my family doesn’t like to talk about Global Warming with me, I’m still crazy enough to think I can change the world)
You could always use it to feed the local birds. Birds love bread, and they don’t seem that picky about what kind it is.
Reply
OK, I can’t stop grinning. For once one of these damn recipe entries people are always doing was INTERESTING.
(sorry, other people.)
Reply
I was thinking that the bread looks like it would be good with some pie filling, maybe cherry, on it. Does that defeat the purpose?
Reply
Oh, and whipped cream. Yummy whipped cream.
Reply
Are you positive that is bread? It looks more like styrofoam.
Reply
Umm low carb bread? what’s the point? I guess all the butter you’d have to put on the bread to make it edible won’t be so bad.
Reply
You first problem was trying to make low carb bread.
Reply
Blech!!
Reply
I eat low carb too, so I was all excited to see what your bread came out like. Hahaha – that was funny.
Mission tortillas have low-carb tortillas that I have been eating to make sandwich wraps. Yummy.
Don’t know for sure but I think ezeikiel bread has less carbs than regular – it’s in the frozen section.
Reply
Finn: I KNOW! Although I shouldn’t complain. I got this in particular one for $4 at Papaya’s this weekend. $4!! With padding! I bought two.
On a Limb with Claudia: oh yeah, I did. I know better than to not have back ups. LOL And I did preheat! Fully!
Stacey: well I’m glad I could make you laugh today then.
ali: mmmmm…. it smells so gooooood…
karen meg: yeah, my husband is a Dunkin Hines man.
Turnbaby: admit it, you’re impressed.
Marissa: hey, that’s actually a pretty good idea.
Although – wouldn’t birds eat it out of the landfill too?
maggie, dammit: OMG, is this the first of my recipe posts you’ve seen?
Dude. You have to see what I can do/can’t do with guacamole.
Shelli: oh no. Believe me. It looks better than it tastes.
Yay for no carb whipped cream!
Crazy Lady in Vegas: you bring up a good point. Maybe I’ll use it as packing material for the books I have to mail out.
Jennifer: well, the POINT is I get to trick myself into thinking I’m not eating low carb. I’m easily fooled.
Aimee Greeblemonkey: oh just you wait. I am going to get this right and you will all bow down!!
Summer: yes. Exactly.
mcat: he he he, sorry about that. And yeah – I live on those low carb tortillas!
Reply
Really. If you think you’re fat, you are going to be calling my Orca next weekend
.
Reply
1) you are not fat.
2) low carb bread? Is that possible? Don’t they have stores that sell that kind of thing?
Reply
Um…Britt?
I think your bread threw up on itself.
Reply
That’s some funny bread. It looks like a bad omelette. And your kitchen is gorgeous. And I was fascinated by the logo on your husband’s shirt. That was a very amusing photo essay! No go buy some low carb bread at your local Whole Foods Market or it’s Florida equivalent. Heh. It’s MUCH easier. And pretty tasty.
Reply
Next time just go to whole foods in Winter Park!
Reply
Hilly: Orca? That’s an interesting nickname.
Fantastagirl: yeah, they do. But I figured if I could learn to make it it would be less expensive.
Stephanie: is THAT what went wrong?
Winter: I didn’t even think about the logo. Oops!
Hockeyman: I will not be defeated!!
Reply
Feeding the bread straight to the birds, it cuts out the middle man of methane release and sitting in a landfill.
Reply
Ok, I’ve just made this same recipe, but big difference in the results. I didn’t mix the dry, mix the wet, blend with mixer. I threw it all into a bowl, mixed with a spoon, “whipped it real good”, threw it into a loaf pan, and 17 minutes later, it was a loaf, and a decent one. The whey makes it dry tasting, but works well. Give it another try, it’s not too shabby.
Reply