I’ve been trying to eat healthier and force feed my family more nutritional stuff as well. Part of this involves me buckling down and getting back on my low carb diet. Part of that involves me running all over hell and highwater (where is highwater, exactly?) in search of all the ingredients needed for various low carb recipes. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to find soy flour?)
That’s the preamble. Now, let’s get to making “Low Carb Quick White Bread“, shall we?
Officially: whey protein powder*, egg white powder*, baking powder, Splenda, salt, heavy cream, eggs, water, and olive oil.
*Will require a body part (preferably an arm or a leg) in exchange for.
THEN! You mix the DRY! with the WET!.
Then you wait for 15-20 minutes. I recommend you pass the time having a cigarette. Because this is all about getting healthy.
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Next time, don’t get your recipe from http://www.foodthatwillpunkyou.com.
April 27th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
could be worse…i could have made it. seriously.
although to cook in your kitchen would be a hole bunch better than cooking in my kitchen. but i still ain’t gonna do it. besides, don’t they have bakeries down there in orlando?
April 28th, 2008 at 12:08 am
Wow, that totally looks like time well spent.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Clearly, those of us with straight hair are only noticing your amazing hair. I have hair envy. I have tried making bread, it’s never worked out for me.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:15 am
And THIS is why Crys swears that low carb is a joy-less diet.
There is no joy in that. There is only…
“Wow, I need to drive to the store and buy some fucking Rainbo White Bread!”
And… you can’t, because you are low carb dieting.
And yet, there is joy in a smaller ass.
If only I could reconcile those two.
*sigh*
Upside! Your ass is WAAAAAAY smaller than mine!
April 28th, 2008 at 12:16 am
So was it tasty?
April 28th, 2008 at 12:22 am
Mmmmm, half-risen eggy goodness. I made a similar thing once and it puffed up like a big souffle and was raw in the middle. Good thing was, it put me off bread for a few days!
April 28th, 2008 at 12:30 am
heh heh heh When you hold up those big red bowls that are the same color as your shirt… I kept thinking you had giant red plastic boobs. I really enjoyed this post til I looked closer.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:44 am
Heh.
I got the most perfect chocolate chunk cookies this weekend.
So you know I just have to gloat about that fact.
Oh… and I do like the purple writing. Although next time… try orange. Orange is the new purple dontcha know?
April 28th, 2008 at 1:11 am
I wanna cook in your kitchen - it’s much better than mine!
April 28th, 2008 at 1:44 am
It looks like a giant, rectangular Egg Mcmuffin. Put some cheese and bacon on it. Oh wait ….. it’s supposed to be “healthy”, isn’t it?
April 28th, 2008 at 3:00 am
aaaaaaaaahahahaha! i don’t understand…you’re always such a good cook when I’M around!
which MEANS…it is my DUTY to come see you this summer! love you sis!
April 28th, 2008 at 3:19 am
That is one sexy looking loaf there
April 28th, 2008 at 5:48 am
You could have dazzled us by calling attention to your gorgeous countertops. Those things are beautiful to look at in those pictures. I could stare at ‘em all day.
Oh — and the granite surfaces in your kitchen are nice as well. ;)
April 28th, 2008 at 6:18 am
Ah, my favorite kind of post. I’m addicted to these.
Highwater is in Ohio.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:48 am
avitable: what do you mean? It’s from GRANDMA!!
hello haha narf: they do have bakeries, but I don’t think they bake low carb bread.
Karl: I know. To think I could have been roller blading instead.
kim: man, clearly you people with straight hair have low standards for what looks amazing… I like that in a girl.
AmyD: I already had bread (for the kids) AND low carb tortillas on hand - I mean, come on, with MY track record?!?!
I’ll let you know how my next effort in the bread machine goes.
Jay:
Jared says he thinks it would be “fine” with some cheese and bacon.
Selma: yeah, I’m not exactly craving a slice myself right now.
Y2K Survivor:
yes, I have giant plastic boobs. Is that hot?
NYCWD: I SHOULD try Orange. Why do I always forget that?? Oh… and I don’t really “do” chocolate, so
CharlieDaniels: my kitchen must photograph well. LOL
Zom: it’s supposed to be low carb - that would totally count!
Creed: I only make stuff I’ve mastered when you’re around I guess.
Dee: oh yeah, especially the left side.
Shiny: but I drew borders!!
Rich: Ohio? That makes sense.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Did you just make a quiche out of a white bread recipe? Good sport of your hubster, that picture is priceless!
April 28th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Kick-ass counter tops, hon!
And now, you can officially tell people that you’re a mad scientist ’cause that looks like a Judge Dredd/North Korean cloning experiment gone horribly wrong.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:24 am
You have the best photo essays!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:13 am
And to add insult to bread disaster, it looks like your husband laughed at you.
I’m sure there will be payback. I’d like to see a tutorial on “Jared knits a sweater”
April 28th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Keep at it babe, I think you’re on to something!!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I do not think bread is meant to be low-carb. I’m just sayin’. And also, I must warn you. The next time you circle TINY CUTE PARTS OF YOUR BODY and call them NOT FAT, clearly meaning you think they ARE FAT… *I*, who clearly AM FAT will come to Florida and kick your ass.
Seriously, you are so adorable…
April 28th, 2008 at 9:30 am
You have many fine qualities. It doesn’t matter that you are a shitty cook.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Like everyone else, I love your countertops. Let’s just keep talking about how pretty your kitchen are. We will forget all about whatever it was that you were trying to make or not make or something.
I never did understand how you can have low carb bread, though. That is just wrong.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:35 am
… this and the vagina stories
April 28th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Ok–only you could make a recipe post this funny. which is good, because I haven’t had a decent carb in about a week, and I was all excited.
*Sigh* Off to eat more pepperoni and string cheese.
April 28th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Ok… I think it is time to have a heart to heart talk with your oven. You didn’t cook the bread, the oven did. You just put the ingredients together. Apparently your oven does not know what team work is. If it doesn’t shape up soon. I think you should fire it!
April 28th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I’m sorry. You lost me at the whey…
April 28th, 2008 at 10:00 am
I think you can buy low-carb bread in the store, in this day and age.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Sue: a quiche? Uh…yes! Yes, I did! Genius wasn’t it?!?!
CMG: horribly, horribly wrong.
Jen: lol, thanks. Luckily, I have lots of screw ups to document.
Little Miss Sunshine State: nah. He was too busy spitting in the sink to laugh.
Britt’s Mom: yeah? Well after the $XXXX I spent, I have to keep trying.
Miss Anne Derstood: a HA! Success! My massive scribbling is clearly working on you!
Mr. Fabulous: I am NOT a shitty cook! Honest! I just can’t BAKE. Or “improvise”.
Trishk: not as wrong as me walking around looking 4 months pregnant. I swear I have posted a gazillion pictures of my kitchen. There must have been more interesting things to look at in those photos. lol
Willie G: oh man, you must HATE when I get all deep and shit then, huh?
Honeybell: good for you!!!!!!!! I PROMISE I will let you know when I get it right.
And also? Spaghetti. Squash. Will save your sanity, I swear.
Mindy: you bring up a good point. Damn oven!
RW: ohhhhhhh… is THAT where I went wrong??
April 28th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Lynda: yes and no. It’s hit or miss if you can find it and it’s not REALLY low carb.
Besides, I thought if I could bake my own it would be less expensive.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Do you have a whole foods, central market or sprouts near you? They should all have the bins of all those types of flours and other very weird stuff.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:22 am
This is why I say that Low-Carb is evil. I eat whole grains instead.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:34 am
*giggle*
Low-carb = unnatural.
(Yep, smartass right here. And bigass. Big, lovely ass.)
April 28th, 2008 at 10:49 am
@Dawg: Those cookie bottoms were beautiful, weren’t they… Have any left to take a picture? All the cookies I had left are being devoured by LittleOnes.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I have three words for you:
Sunbeam Bread Machine
April 28th, 2008 at 10:55 am
you could maybe get a biscuit cutter and drop them on top of a bowl of chili or something?
April 28th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Ahh Ha Ha! Thanks for the laugh, once again! Looks like something I tried to make for Christmas one year. I had to let it “rise” and forgot about it, till the next moning, when it had grown to encompass the whole kitchen counter! LOL
April 28th, 2008 at 11:12 am
If you are fat then I am underweight. I will be laughing at that all day.
Your bread looks interesting. ;)
4 days until Philly!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Dear.God.Woman.
Low carbing isn’t that difficult. LOL
You are too cute though.
April 28th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Ok, I was thinking bread machine as well and then I was also thanking God that you weren’t making banana bread.
Did I miss the post where you decided to go all low carb?
Off to eat a loaf of bread…
April 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
hey, you didn’t make fun of me for fucking up the spelling of whole!
p.s. since jared likes bacon so much, you might wanna consider the look that is rocking over at my place today. as mattman said, all you would have to do is lay in the sun for a bit and jared would be a happy, happy man.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
The Absurdist: not that I’ve been able to find. I did find a healthfood store close by yesterday though.
Finn: my problem is I don’t do anything in moderation. Low Carb is the only way that won’t kill me.
Poppy: well MY big ass is not lovely. It’s jiggly. In a bad way.
Marissa: yeah, I know, I know. I have one too. I thought this would be “easier”.
Crys: OR I could throw it away. I’m leaning towards that.
Robina: oh please God tell me there are pictures of that.
Shelli: I can bring you a slice to Philly! It’s only 4 DAYS AWAY so it should still be fresh!
themuttprincess: no, it’s really not - but after three years you start to look for some new things to add to the diet.
Lisa: I’ve been on a low carb diet (mostly) since my daugther was born three years ago. I lost about 40 lbs doing it. Problem is, I haven’t been paying attention to what I eat at all for about 2 months.
And I love banana bread!!
hello haha narf: I saw that. And then I thought… you know… I have a hard enough time keeping him off my tits during the day.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
And the only person I make fun of for spelling mistakes is Avitable, because he’s a pretentious ass.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I get that…
I just came back to tell you that you are, in fact, NOT FAT. And that I hate it when my fucking strapless bra slips and why can’t they make one that doesn’t or at least make tank tops that you can wear with a regular bra so the fucking straps won’t show and you won’t look like Trailer Trash Barbie sans the large boobs and ciggie dangling from your mouth?
I’m just sayin’.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Looks like the oven was too hot on top - did you preheat or just turn it on and stick it in? 450 is really hot for bread (btw). Sorry - I was baking when I was like 2.
Hope you had something better to eat.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
I’m feeling crappy today and this post totally had me laughing.
That’s it. You’re definitely getting bookmarked.
April 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
…and that’s why i stick with my best friend Cinnabon… ;)
April 28th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Hey, what’s wrong with that? Most of my brilliant creations look along those lines…
I’m into pure Pillsbury white-ass dough boy for all our nutritious transfat laden baked goods.
You’re too funny
April 28th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Oh my.
April 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Don’t toss it out, that’s methane just waiting to heat up the planet.
(This is why my family doesn’t like to talk about Global Warming with me, I’m still crazy enough to think I can change the world)
You could always use it to feed the local birds. Birds love bread, and they don’t seem that picky about what kind it is.
April 28th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
OK, I can’t stop grinning. For once one of these damn recipe entries people are always doing was INTERESTING.
(sorry, other people.)
April 28th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I was thinking that the bread looks like it would be good with some pie filling, maybe cherry, on it. Does that defeat the purpose?
April 28th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Oh, and whipped cream. Yummy whipped cream.
April 28th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Are you positive that is bread? It looks more like styrofoam.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Umm low carb bread? what’s the point? I guess all the butter you’d have to put on the bread to make it edible won’t be so bad.
April 28th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
You first problem was trying to make low carb bread.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Blech!!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
I eat low carb too, so I was all excited to see what your bread came out like. Hahaha - that was funny.
Mission tortillas have low-carb tortillas that I have been eating to make sandwich wraps. Yummy.
Don’t know for sure but I think ezeikiel bread has less carbs than regular - it’s in the frozen section.
April 28th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Finn: I KNOW! Although I shouldn’t complain. I got this in particular one for $4 at Papaya’s this weekend. $4!! With padding! I bought two.
On a Limb with Claudia: oh yeah, I did. I know better than to not have back ups. LOL And I did preheat! Fully!
Stacey: well I’m glad I could make you laugh today then.
ali: mmmmm…. it smells so gooooood…
karen meg: yeah, my husband is a Dunkin Hines man.
Turnbaby: admit it, you’re impressed.
Marissa: hey, that’s actually a pretty good idea.
Although - wouldn’t birds eat it out of the landfill too?
maggie, dammit: OMG, is this the first of my recipe posts you’ve seen?
Dude. You have to see what I can do/can’t do with guacamole.
Shelli: oh no. Believe me. It looks better than it tastes.
Yay for no carb whipped cream!
Crazy Lady in Vegas: you bring up a good point. Maybe I’ll use it as packing material for the books I have to mail out.
Jennifer: well, the POINT is I get to trick myself into thinking I’m not eating low carb. I’m easily fooled.
Aimee Greeblemonkey: oh just you wait. I am going to get this right and you will all bow down!!
Summer: yes. Exactly.
mcat: he he he, sorry about that. And yeah - I live on those low carb tortillas!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Really. If you think you’re fat, you are going to be calling my Orca next weekend ;).
April 28th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
1) you are not fat.
2) low carb bread? Is that possible? Don’t they have stores that sell that kind of thing?
April 28th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Um…Britt?
I think your bread threw up on itself.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
That’s some funny bread. It looks like a bad omelette. And your kitchen is gorgeous. And I was fascinated by the logo on your husband’s shirt. That was a very amusing photo essay! No go buy some low carb bread at your local Whole Foods Market or it’s Florida equivalent. Heh. It’s MUCH easier. And pretty tasty.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Next time just go to whole foods in Winter Park!
April 28th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Hilly: Orca? That’s an interesting nickname.
Fantastagirl: yeah, they do. But I figured if I could learn to make it it would be less expensive.
Stephanie: is THAT what went wrong?
Winter: I didn’t even think about the logo. Oops!
Hockeyman: I will not be defeated!!
April 29th, 2008 at 7:00 am
Feeding the bread straight to the birds, it cuts out the middle man of methane release and sitting in a landfill.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:52 am
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