Dear Miss Britt,

The Mutt Princess

Oh, my sweet. I did indeed experience a skin revolt when I moved here. Up until The Move, I had basically perfect skin. Minimal blemishes, no oil slicks, very rare dry patches that could quickly be corrected with a little extra moisturizer, and I had no idea what people were talking about when they discussed “pores”. How the hell could pores be visible?, I wondered.

And then I entered a land of high humidity and my skin wigged the fuck out. Suddenly I had zits and oil and nastiness and these holes on my face. Big, gaping HOLES that I was just sure could swallow a small child with little or no warning.

I went in search via the Internet, TLC and Beauty Columns. I took full advantage of my new access to fancy schmancy beauty stores like Sephora and Ulta. Blah blah blah yada yada the tale of Miss Britt’s quest for her lost porcelain skin…

Anyway. Here we are. And I have to be honest with you, here is not exactly pretty.

That’s me, fresh from the shower (with shirt still on my head! (Because everyone knows you use shirts, not towels, on your head – right?)). No makeup, no nothing. Clearly.

You too can have red blotchy skin that requires make up to go into public!!

No, seriously. I have advice.

ANYway – the first thing I learned about big ass pores is that it comes from unbalanced skin. Which is NOT necessarily the same as OILY skin. So washing your face fifty times a day in order to get rid of excess oil? Not such a great idea. (And incidentally, NOT washing your face to make sure your pores don’t have to work overtime because surely that makes sense – also not a good idea).

Here’s how you get your skin in balance: wash it. First thing in the morning, and right before bed. (And yes, that one two over half the time that you are too fucking tired and just collapse into bed because you can no longer see the make up anyway? That counts. In a bad way.)

Seriously though, it has itty bitty scrubber things in it, and that’s enough for me. You can get expensive stuff. I have some expensive stuff. It’s just – meh, it’s basically soap. As long as it’s not actual soap that will strip the shit out of your skin, I’ve found that the washy stuff is less important than the moisturizer.

Which brings us to part two of the secret to balanced skin (and eventually smaller pores): moisturize it. Not too much, not too little, after you wash your face twice a day. Finding a moisturizer that is right for your skin (not too much, not too little) can be tricky.

My current favorite is some free stuff I got from AmyD actually. I also have loads of mini tubs in that cabinet full of really expensive shit that I hate. But they are mini tubs – which means they didn’t cost me a dime. Go to Sephora and ask for samples. You’ll be able to tell almost instantly if it goes on smooth and leaves your skin feeling soft, or if it makes it feel kind of tight and not right. Obviously “tight and not right” would be bad.

OK – so, wash your face and use moisturizer. I’m sure you’ve been doing that. And I’m sure, like me, what you’re really hoping I’ll tell you is that I’ve found some magical product that you can put on and BAM! No more visible pores! And BAM OVER TIME! The pores actually tighten up and disappear for real!

Something, perhaps, like this:
(cue angels singing)

That is Dr. Brandt’s Pores No More. And it represents the hopes and dreams of big pored women everywhere. It promises to cover and tighten. It uses words like porcelain and smooth.

And all of that is pretty much a load of $45 a tube CRAP.

OK, Ok, I’m sorry. It’s not that bad. Once I got over my initial disappointment that this very expensive shit did not give me instant china doll skin, I figured out there are some good things that it does – if you know how to use it.

First – SHAKE the tube. I know, it’s a TUBE – not a bottle. But shake it anyway. Otherwise it is separated goo. Shake the tube and it will be like foundation, basically.

Second – use a sponge. And this is crucial. Because you are going to use the sponge to BASICALLY SPACKLE YOUR FACE. Really. (Trust me, the TLC make up chics say so.) You put the crap on the sponge and rub it on your face and basically push it into your pores. Have you ever put puddy in a dry wall hole? It’s like that.

The nice thing about this really expensive stuff is that it is tinted – so if you can get the washing and the moisturizing down to an Every Day Yes Even When You’re Tired routine, you may be able to get away with just using this with no makeup.

Unless you’re me. If you’re me, you have two problems with this stuff. Number one: sometimes you are just TIRED and so maybe the whole face washing thing is HARD some nights, don’t you judge me! Number two: it’s $45 a fucking TUBE! Seriously.

So, if you are me, you keep searching for an alternative and find something quite strange on the Internet. Something so strange, it might actually work. And you think… well… maybe it’s worth a shot. Just maybe…

I swear. Really. I actually put this on my face.

It is like $7 a tube and it is some of the BEST primer/pore spackler stuff you can buy. It won’t do much to actually shrink your pores, but it will cover them up and fill them in enough that with makeup you can be fabulous.

And, I’m sorry, but leaving the house without makeup should end at like 16 anyway. I don’t care what size your pores are.

(Do you have a burning question you’d like Miss Britt to answer? Email me at britt @ miss-britt dot com and I’ll sure as hell do my best! Anonymous questions (or posted as anonymous anyway) are totally A-OK too.)

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