I can feel the old procrastination creeping back in.
When the depression was at it’s worst, I would go days and days without accomplishing anything. It all just seemed like so much. It was so easy to let each day slip by without taking any action, hopeful that tomorrow would be better.
When I first started on the Cymbalta, I experienced a rush of energy and ambition. I painted the house. I organized my cupboards. I did laundry and scrubbed tile and emptied out my junk drawer.
But lately…
My thoughts are scattered.
I imagine getting an hour or two to work on a project and am immediately made tired by the follow through that would require.
The prospect of a good nap on the couch after work consumes my thoughts as I drive home.
The most productive thing I’ve done in the last two weeks is read the first four books of the Harry Potter series.
I’ve sat in front of this screen for two days trying to come up with something funny. I feel like the blog needs a new dose of well crafted funny… like I need it. But the words taunt me, just barely out of reach.
And I’m afraid.
What if it’s not working anymore?
What if that immediate burst of “mania” was just a short term placebo effect, and I’m just now starting to settle back into reality?
I’m terrified of going back into the darkness. But maybe even more than that, I’m afraid I may end up living in the gray area. Not really “depressed”… not really happy… just… here.
I always thought I’d be more than just… here.
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I :heartbeat: you.
And you can punch me in the crotch today if it will bring a smile to your face.
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I have never felt closer to you than right now.
Not in a gay way but in a “that is exactly how I feel” kinda way.
It sucks! :banghead:
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It’s worth talking to your doctor about maybe changing scripts – sometimes you need to shop around before you find the right one…
You could punch me in the crotch too :lmao:
Dee’s last blog post..Like a Tiger *grrrrrrr*
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I’ve been through depression, a couple of times, but haven’t gone on medication so I can’t speak to its effects firsthand. I do have many loved ones who have though and they’ve often had to get their dosage checked. It’s hard to get out of the rut when you’re just feeling so…eh. At least it was for me. But putting it out there, asking for help, admitting you’re feeling stuck- that makes a difference. I had to learn that the hard way.
Hope things look brighter for you soon.
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I’m sorry you feel this way. I can kick this Avitable guy in the crotch if it makes you feel better (a long time ago he called me a stinker. I don’t forget).
And I know it’s much easier said than done, so forgive me if your reply to this will be a big “Duh,” but maybe now, in the pit of bottomless nothingness, may be a good time (the best time) to be the most productive you’ve ever been. It doesn’t have to be on this personal funny blog. Make an anonymous blog filled with depressive poetry no one here will know about and judge you for, start that book you’ve been meaning to write. If pairing socks and reading nerdy books doesn’t make you happy, it only means you’re normal. Leave the computer for a day and take a long walk, and maybe by the end you’ll have your book (or at least a new perspective. Maybe you’ll just catch a cold, but that’s also something).
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I share my mind with bipolar and am always up and down and sometimes in the middle so I soooo feel for you, it sucks donkey balls if it lasts too long Id go see the Doc.
But I think the only real answer is to punch adam in the crotch (sorry Adam, I’d offer but you know the whole atlantics in the way an all *take one for the team*)
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If you read the label you will discover that after X amount of days the next thing to do is to actually, by all means, punch avi in the crotch.
I’ll wait here.
(humming)
RW’s last blog post..:-/
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The healing power of a punch in the crotch is a little known medical fact, I am told. Haha.
I know about the gray. It is a scarier colour than black because it is almost neutral. It’s a colour you think you shouldn’t complain about. Just remember you’re not alone. Not ever. Go and see your doctor and remember – we all love you and we’re here.
Selma’s last blog post..I See A Full Moon Rising
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If you do punch Avitable in the crotch, please post a video.
I had the same thing going on with Cymbalta, I started it about 10 weeks ago, it seemed like around week 8 I lost the energy burst. It’s coming back though. Hang in there, the effect may be temporary.
Nobody™’s last blog post..Contest
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You’re leveling out on the medication. Happens on all mood stabilizers, after so long on it, your body begins to get used to the new feelings and accepts it as normal. It’s no longer a rush of happy.
Still, talk to the doc. If you don’t need, dear God, don’t upped the dose. Zombie mode is not fun (and people tend to get pissy when you try to gnaw their brain while it’s still in their skull)
Marissa’s last blog post..Lunar Eclipse
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Do I ask the tough questions or do I just say “hope you feel better soon”?
Ok, one tough question. or two.
You know that the pills just help you to focus so that you can deal with the shit that made you depressed in the first place, yes?
So… are you dealing with the shit that made you depressed in the first place?
… :hug:
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avitable: aw, thanks.
Around noon then?
Peggy: don’t lie. You know you wanna hit this. *pow, snap, sizzle*
Dee: well, I’m keeping an eye on it anyway.
sizzle: you’re right – just feeling like I could say “um.. I’m… mm… meh” actually helped.
People in the Sun: actually, I appreciate the suggestions. They are very, very good ones.
L: I think we have unanimous decision!
RW: GAH! How did I miss that before??
Selma: God thank you for saying that. It sounds crazy to be almost more afraid of the beige than the black. I’m glad to know someone else “gets” that.
Nobody™: thank you. Really. That is very, very comforting. I’m right at about 8 weeks right now I think.
Marissa: I think I’d look bad in Zombie. It doesn’t go with my complexion.
Poppy: always ask the tough questions. Always.
AND… you’re right. The difference this time is that I didn’t panic and sink.
And I didn’t shut down completely.
I told Jared how I felt.
And then, I took a nap. But I felt like I was stopping and taking stock and going “hey, are we repeating some patterns here that got us into that spot last time? Are we stopping to take time out?”
I don’t know why I refer to myself as “we” in my head. Surely that’s odd.
OH. AND. One of the biggest things in my life obviously is my relationship with Jared. Which can lead to mondo stress or heaps of happy. And we have both been working on our marriage daily since I got on the medicine.
So… at least in part… “yes”.
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I refer to myself as we in my head. I think it’s healthy, because we are multi-faceted, are we not? (And this “we” is English, so we is to be expected.)
But, I digress. I am really happy to hear that you are making positive progress. I hope you see that too. Do you see what you just did? Yah, you may be slipping back in a little bit, but at least you spoke up to Jared before you took the nap.
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i seem to stay in this gray… always recovering …. ever sliding
regardless of what Mr. Cruise would have you believe, therapy can be extremely helpful
but then again, punching someone in the crotch never hurts either
except the one being punched of course
Willie G’s last blog post..almost and yet
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You are not alone. Don’t settle for the gray area! It took me a long time to find the right drug and the right dosage, but you can be your happy self again.
Remember, the meds are not going to give you energy or happy feelings that you wouldn’t normally have if your brain chemicals weren’t being bastards.
Fight the bastards and punch Adam in the crotch!
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I feel like you’ve just described exactly what I’ve been feeling for *months.* I wish I could tell you how to get back from the gray/beige and into the happy happy yellow. For me, it helps to just get up in the mornings with a plan and stick to it beyond the skuggishness that seems to overwhelm me. It helps to be honest with you husband. He seems to be the supportive type… when he’s not clueless. It would probably also help if your family came with my family to the circus this weekend. :blush:
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Lurker here … love your blog. Just wanted to add, it sounded like your original doc was a bit of a quack. I hope you get some references and can find a new one. (if insurance permits)
again, thanks for great posts everyday!
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God, I know it, Britt. I’m. Here. Too. Sleeping is much easier than dealing with the shit.
Hugs. :hug:
Shelli’s last blog post..Five Silly Things
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Is there no limit to the depths Avitable will stoop, just to get your hands on his balls? Just remember this is still the middle of February, and as such it is the height of Flu season. I recommend you use latex gloves and wash thoroughly afterwards while he is rolling on the floor, content in his sick little “happy pain” world.
But could you wait until Amy is home so she can take pics for your next blog post? I think you may have discovered the funny gold mine!!
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i don’t think it’s uncommon to have those types of meds phase out on you. many people have to keep trying new meds until they find the “supreme” right fit. definitely talk to your doc, Britt. you don’t have to go back into the darkness.
Crys’s last blog post..Most Awesome Person Of The Day:
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My doctor told me that very rarely do you find the right combo of meds right off the bat. Doesn’t matter what they start you on… Sometimes it just doesn’t work.
That said, it seems that this time it isn’t as bad as last time, plus you are noticing it earlier and dealing with it… More or less.
If you can’t stand yourself after a week, go back to the Dr. They are there to help.
themuttprincess’s last blog post..Stolen MEME.
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I was thinking Avitable was a real friend for offering his balls up like that, but then I read the other comments and saw that it could just be a ploy. That seemed kinda believable.
I hope you get to feeling better. Really. It sounds trite, I know, but in my head I’m saying it in the most un-trite way.
Sarah is Ok’s last blog post..I get to it: Part 2
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Time to up your meds, ha ha.
When I started Wellbutrin, totally had the same effect where I just felt like I was energized and able to do everything. But it passes. The meds are just part of the solution, I think.
Fluffycat’s last blog post..Dating Redux
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You took the words right out of my mouth
Kyra/the108’s last blog post..the109 speaks out
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Same thing has been happening to me lately along with a side of snappy to go with it. And, my first thought when I realized that I really, really wanted to just crawl out of my skin and run screaming down the street was “Oh dear God, NO! NO!!!!”
Which, of course, almost set off a panic attack.
It’s not as bad as before… but, I talked to Mike (and bawled). That helped a bit.
Amy’s last blog post..*KaBLAM* *POW*
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Your moods weren’t constant before you started taking the meds, and they won’t be constant now. Because the effects aren’t instant, it’s hard to learn to adjust dosage to match your current mood. It really will get better with time, or perhaps with a similar but slightly different drug.
It’s a struggle.
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I can completely understand how you are feeling, I think. I feel like I have been in the gray area for sometime and occasionally in the darkness. I am trying to get myself to realize and understand how to be happy, but old ingrained thought processes are hard to stop. I think I am making progress though (the meds might be helping, but hey that is what they are for right?) as per my blog.
Keep your head up, happiness isn’t in things or accomplishing goals, it is being ok with who and where you are. Spending quality time with family. Those are the important things, things that mean something in the end.
Here is where you are, so what if you thought you would be somewhere else by now. Things rarely work out perfectly, and if life is spent trying to reach some goal that is constantly out of reach, what was our life for? Focus on the important things, the lasting things. If you were where you thought you would be by now, would you be content? Most likely you would have a new goal that you think you should have achieved by now.
Yes work toward your dreams, but don’t make them the ultimate goal that defines your happiness. Be happy now and reaching your goals is just the icing on the cake.
Wow, I didn’t mean to ramble so much, but this exact thing has been on my mind a lot lately. I have never been happy, and I feel like I have wasted my years away with worry and disappointment for nothing.
I hope you get something from this or a good laugh at me, whichever.
maninthekitchen’s last blog post..Sliders anyone?
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Oh and the blog I mentioned is not themaninthekitchen blog, but it is linked to it at the top of the page below the banner, if you are interested.
http://zion-neosworld.blogspot.com/
maninthekitchen’s last blog post..Sliders anyone?
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Poppy: I am absolutely definitely making progress.
Willie G: I’ve never actually done therapy. I’m not sure what my aversion to it is.
Melanie Marie: that’s a good point – and I don’t want fake happy anyway.
Allyson: oh man I would love to! And we were supposed to meet this month too! But now I’m behind for getting ready for 6 straight weeks of company. Crap.
misty: I could have sworn there was a wave smiley around here somewhere. Damn it.
Well.. hi! And yes, right on about the original doc.
Shelli: the difference is, this time I lot of extra sleep yesterday really did make me feel better today…
Y2K Survivor: I am busting a gut at this comment.
Crys: blech that sucks. I am really hoping it’s just a “mood” and not a chemical thing.
But I will. not. go back there.
themuttprincess: no, you’re right – there is definitely a difference in how I feel today/now compared to before.
Sarah is Ok: I’m hearing it in a very un-trite way in my head.
Fluffycat: funny, I think they are the easy part.
Kyra/the108: really? fuck. That sucks.
Amy: bawling always helps!
George H:
“Your moods weren’t constant before you started taking the meds, and they won’t be constant now.”
This was very good. Good to remember.
You can ramble here any time.
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maninthekitchen: wtf?!?! i responded?!! where’d it go?!?!
ANYWAY… you can ramble here any time.
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Oh, bummer. Does “getting ready” mean cleaning? I like to clean (other people’s houses) if you need help. We can do the ol’ Allyson’s drunken cleaning triathalon. We make margaritia’s, and get to have one after each round of chores is complete. It’s fun, and it gets the work done much faster than you might think. Or, we could put off meeting until your company goes home. I understand that life doesn’t always fit the plans made.
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I have two questions:
Are you getting enough sleep in the evenings?
Could it be hormone related?
I get into funks like that for both those reasons. Of course, I stopped taking my anti-depressant because it made me feel like I was just there (like a zombie) and I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. (And I didn’t think it was working well for me anyway.)
Lynda’s last blog post..Lucky Star
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you are making me face the fact that i am not the happy camper that i used to be. that all i wanna do is sleep. while i wanna holler, “knock it off, britt!” i am glad that you hold a mirror up to me. your masthead is fitting!
i’m glad you ask the world wide internetz for opinions. it takes a village or i am the villiage idiot or some such shit.
do me a favor, whether or not you really wanna, just punch avi in the crotch under the guise of “it will make me feel better” because you know it will make some of us feel better.
you are loved. kiss jared for being supportive. and call the doc if this doesn’t go away soon.
:heartbeat:
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Oh, sweetie. I don’t have the answers for you. I wish I did. Maybe call the doctor who prescribed the Cymbalta to you? Talk to him/her? See if this is normal or what’s going on?
No matter what, you can always vent here, funny or not, just say it.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Mystery Diagnosis, Part 1
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I’ve been reading your blog over the past few weeks, but I’m sort of shy and haven’t left a comment before now LOL.
This post is exactly how I feel sometimes – I’m bipolar, and I find myself in the gray area so often … but I never forget how ambitious I used to be. I never thought I would “just exist” – I always assumed I would excel and be a “success” (whatever that is lol).
Umm, so I really just wanted to say that I think I understand how you feel, and I love your blog … and I hope it gets better :heartbeat:
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I am not in any way offering a diagnosis, so keep that in mind. BUT…
Both my boys have attention deficit disorders. One has ADD, and one has ADHD. Through the process of getting tested and diagnoses, I have realized that I probably have it too. It was especially hard to deny when my youngest child’s therapist gently inquired if I had ever been tested for the disorder. It is often hereditary, and I recognize so many of my own behaviors in them.
It sounds very much like what you describe, and often, those kind of disorders have an astounding number of co-morbitiies, including depression/anxiety.
Just a thought. It’s worth mentioning to your doctor. Best of luck. I know how demoralizing it can be to feel so scattered. I recently stopped taking some medication that made me feel extremely stupid.
Blog Antagonist’s last blog post..Adventures in Sisterhood; Part Two
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I’m really sorry that you are feeling this way but wanted to tell you that you are definitely not alone. I seem to go in spurts of being really productive then longer spurts of sitting on my ass creating blogs I’ll never update.
Hilly’s last blog post..Free Your Mind And The Rest Will Follow….
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Ah baby I am really really proud of you and I am really encouraged because, like others have pointed out, “it” seems “different” this time.
Darling, maybe it’s just the ebb to the flow. Even normal people (or so I hear) get into a funk, and you definitely have a big plateful in front of you.
See how you feel after a few days – and talk to your mama!!
I love you!
Britt’s Mom’s last blog post..Things you Should Know About Me
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My experience with ADHD medicine (which is different, I know), is that the initial “rushiness / Eureka!” effects eventually get settled into an effect of degrees, instead of a revolution. It’s less magical, but it’s long term.
Maybe you’ve just adjusted a bit, and you’re going to have a normal, more subtle effect, vs. your initial one. I dunno.
Hi, by the way.
Rich | Championable’s last blog post..This pretty much says it all.
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Dont be afraid to go see the Doctor about adjusting med levels or even trying something different if this doesnt pass Britt. I absolutely refuse to believe that the changes were a placebo affect. They have been too remarkable.
And you, baby girl; you are not grey. You, my dear friend whom I dont get to speak to nearly often enough, are definitely red. Vibrant, rich, deep, with slightly blue undertones. Red.
DeannaBanana’s last blog post..Ghost Writers Unite…
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:hug:
Wicked H’s last blog post..Anatomy of an Idiot
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I have been on Cymbalta since it came on the market (2 or 3 years?) I absolutely couldn’t take it in the morning, it made me a zombie. I take it at night and thats what’s been working for me.
I still have days when I want to stay in bed all day. And sometimes I do. This is the 4th antidepressant I’ve been on in 12 years and by far the best.
I’d give it a little more time and see if it is just your brain adjusting to it’s new chemical levels. My doctor told me to not make any decision about it for at LEAST 6 weeks or more.
Jeannie’s last blog post..Chicky Girls Pix #2
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I hope that you will give it another week or two – maybe it will pass – BUT if you feel it getting worse, talk to your doctor. It appears that you are more aware of where you are and that is a good thing! Life does have some downs (that’s normal) but you shouldn’t have to feel this way all the time. Remember they are prac
Fantastagirl’s last blog post..Goofy Kids
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stupid laptop…
anyway –
Remember they are practicing medicine – it’s not perfect!
Fantastagirl’s last blog post..Goofy Kids
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Allyson: I would be crazy to turn down help!!
Lynda: both of those things are VERY real possibilities.
hellohahanarf: I absolutely, 150%, believe that it takes a village.
And please don’t let yourself get not happy. If there is anyone who doesn’t deserve that, it’s you.
CMG: I’m just kind of keeping an eye out right now.
Alycia: wow, hi. That was pretty open for a first time “shy” person. Good for you.
Blog Antagonist: I appreciate the insight in a very NON diagnosis way.
Sepehr: thanks for the info.
Hilly: maybe it’s just normal then, huh?
Britt’s Mom: yeah. If anything it’s good for me to see the difference.
Rich: I definitely prefer long term over magical. I guess. If I have to be all adult about it.
DeannaBanana: I so adore you, you know?
Wicked H: :kiss:
Jeannie: I have to take it in the morning too, for the same reason.
Fantastagirl: yeah, I’m definitely just watching right now. I mean, I feel a ton better just from when I wrote this.
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I think it’s more than just having a prescription drug plateau. It’s really the season. I’ve been bummed out too. Really bummed out. But it’s ending soon. The sun is showing longer in the early evening and it will only get better. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hang tight, okay?
kapgar’s last blog post..I’m a man, I’m a man…
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Since I’m catching up with all of your posts and commenting long past they’re due date (the Internet Link Gods have finally stopped hating me)so I don’t have time to read all 46 comments, so please forgive me if I do any repeats.
From the research I’ve done on depression, apparantly sometimes after you’ve been on the meds for a while, you need to up your dosage as your body acclimates itself. BUT it could be that you need to make some lifestyle changes. Obviously, I don’t know your whole life story, just what you choose to divulge, but I’m guessing as a working mom of two and wife to Jared, you don’t get a lot of time to do things for yourself. I’m sure you are beyond busy but maybe you can squeeze in a few hours a week to do something you love (other than amusing us).
Have you looked into any support groups in your area? I go to one twice a month and it helps out soooo much. Of course, I’d be doing better if I could get a freakin’ refill but the group does help.
I’ll be keep you in my prayers. I know how it is to do with depression.
Sheila’s last blog post..A Smorgasbord of Information
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Kapgar: Yeah, I am soooo ready for this gray dull blech to be over. I neeeeed sunshine. And I can tell it affects how I feel too.
Sheila: I haven’t looked into support groups. But I have talked to Jared about needing a little ME time.
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I too am on a catch up.
I just want hug you and help you get away from the grey. Bless you Britt. Bless you.
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