When you concoct a plan to take naked pictures of yourself for the Internet, something is bound to go wrong.
Especially if you’re me.
(Hello woman who took months to learn how to make guacamole properly.)
Fortunately, I am hopelessly naive optimistic and it never occurred to me that this whole undertaking might be awkward. At least, it didn’t… until I got home and found myself trying to figure out how I would stage a Playboy photo shoot in my house without anyone noticing. How hard can that possibly be?
The first sign of trouble was my husband deciding to get home from work early. He’s been working long hours lately and I had assumed I’d have plenty of time to take the pictures, photoshopicize them, and then show him how delightfully tactful this whole endeavor would be. In my head, the plan was flawless and not at all embarrassing.
As he sat there on the couch prattling on about the details of his day, I recited potential explanations to myself.
“Could you give the kids a bath while I run in the other room and snap a few nude shots? Should only take a minute. Once I upload them to the web, maybe we can watch a movie.”
“Oh, by the way, I picked up milk. And your mom called. Oh, and I’m going to be naked in the other room with a camera and a tripod for a little bit. But don’t worry, it’s totally tasteful. Are you working Saturday?”
I half considered not offering any explanation as I simply marched the tripod past him and disappeared into the bedroom for a while. But I was fairly confident I wouldn’t be willing to live up to the assumptions he’d be making about our plans for later that night. Letting your husband’s mind wander freely with visions of you and a tripod is never a good idea.
I finally decided to wait until he was good and distracted with something on TV and casually let him know that, “I’m going to be in the other room for a little bit. Can you make sure the kids wash their hair?”
I closed the bedroom door behind me and twisted the lock as quietly as I could. I stripped down and tried to avoid my reflection in the mirror as I began testing the camera settings and adjusting the lighting.
And the cycle began. I’d set the timer, run in front of the camera, twist myself into a series of the least revealing poses I could imagine in 2 second intervals, and ran back to check the results in the playback screen.
I tried to remind myself this was supposed to be about acceptance as I furiously deleted shot after shot of fat roll. Why the fuck was the camera insistent on focusing on my stomach? I wondered if I would ruin this whole grand experiment if I stopped to put on a full face of makeup. When the hell did I get back fat?!?!
I was mid way through trying to find a setting that would not add 5 pounds to my thighs when it happened.
I was crouched buck ass naked behind the tripod, concentrating on the various menu settings, struggling to avoid the ridiculous image in the mirror… and I heard the phone ring.
Shit. Shit. I know that’s for me. No one ever calls here for anyone else. Shit. Why didn’t I think to have a robe nearby? I lunged for the handset on my dresser, but it was too late. The call was already activated on another line and I could hear Jared’s voice coming closer to the door. I waited for the sound of him bumping into the locked door as I frantically searched the area for a robe or pajamas or WHO THE FUCK CLEANED UP MY PILE OF PAJAMAS!?!?!
The door opened.
“Oh my God it was supposed to be locked!!” I shrieked. And for just a second the world stood painfully still and silent.
Jared stopped and stared, the phone still held up to his ear but no sound coming from his mouth as he surveyed the scene before him. I was frozen, naked; the tripod, camera and mirror I’d been sitting in front of in plain view.
And just as suddenly as it had stopped, the world began to spin again. I grabbed the robe that seemed to have magically appeared at the foot of the bed and threw it around me as I tried to casually take the phone from Jared.
“Who is it?” I asked as nonchalantly as possible, pushing him out of the room and shutting the bedroom door behind us.
“It’s… uh.. um… it’s… phone.. uh… Adam,” he stammered.
“Thanks! Love you!” I took the phone and kissed his cheek before making a mad dash for the patio and a cigarette.
To Be Continued…
Posted in It's All About Me, Love and Marriage Tagged: embarassing stories
This would also explain why, when I called and said, “Hey Jared. Is Britt naked or can she talk?”, he seemed a tad confused.
You mean Jared has never seen you naked before? That’s odd, don’t you think? ;-)
If you’d just set up a webcam so we could all just watch you day and night you would have to deal with things like that.
Jay’s last blog post..Fine Dining …
That’s what you call suffering for your art.
Good one!
Selma’s last blog post..The Sound Of Time A-Passing
Dee’s last blog post..Like a Tiger *grrrrrrr*
OMG! That’s hilarious. I have a similar story, minus the husband barging in but still finding the shots and wondering what the hell I was doing with them. Me, too. I’ll share them with you though.
Shelli’s last blog post..Depression Is Depressing
How long before he finally moved from his spot?
kapgar’s last blog post..Say my name…
*snort*
That was funny - I can’t wait to read part two!
Jen’s last blog post..New Photoblog
I just want to point out that while the shoot may not have gone as expected, at least when you show up at the beach GreenPeace doesn’t show up dumping buckets of water on you.
And yes… I totally agree about the tripod and the imagination thing.
NYCWD’s last blog post..An Open Letter To Juno Fans
Oh girl, that is hilarious! He didn’t want to throw you on the bed after seeing that? I figured he would have presumed you were taking nekkid pictures of yourself for him!
The Absurdist’s last blog post..Stop Lights, Catholics, Cell Phones and Target
You mean you wouldn’t let the camera take a few shots of you and Jared together? why not? the pictures are deletable, and it could be fun.
I hear they have this thing called privacy… I’m going to look into it.
You could have been in that room for six hours doing your taxes and no one would have called or otherwise bothered you, but the minute your panties hit the floor it was like a butterfly flapping its wings…
Finn’s last blog post..Are You There Body? It’s Me, Finn
oh my dog, that was a riot! i’m cracking up at my desk. boss is in town. hope you are happy.
although i am thinking you should have asked hubby to take the photos in the first place. just have him click off a kerjillion, fill up that memory card, and then pick the one you liked, deleting the unsatisfactory ones later. this would have given you much more time to pose, instead of setting a timer and running.
plus he would have enjoyed taking nakey photos of his wife. it could have been a win - win.
although the classic confused look on his face must have been priceless. wish you could have turned the camera around and captured that for us!
HAHAHAHA, great story! Can’t wait to read about how it ends.
Nobody™’s last blog post..Contest
I really wish I had listened to you when you suggested we move next door…
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..I’m back…full of thanks and some new wisdom
OMFG to your post!!!
and then OMFG!!!!!!! to Adam’s comment!!!!!!
I seriously wondered how that whole scenario unfolded of you getting time to do naked shots.
avitable: hmm, I thought I had told him to just ignore whatever you say.
Jay: of course he’s seen me naked.
In the DARK.
Selma: lol, yes, I’m so dedicated like that.
Dee: exactly!
Shelli: oh God - and were they on the computer? THAT had to be interesting.
kapgar: well it FELT like forever.
Jen: oh that reminds me, I better write that, huh?
NYCWD: no, but teenage girls snicker. What do you think that’s about?
The Absurdist: oh I’m sure the thought crossed his mind. In fact…
well… there IS more to the story tomorrow…
Allyson: um, because I am a self conscious prude.
Finn: lmao - aint THAT the fucking truth.
Same applies to:
getting on the phone
opening a book
starting a movie that I want to see
peeing
hellohahanarf: I would have been way too afraid of looking/feeling stupid.
Nobody™: I hope the ending lives up to your expectations.
Mr. Fabulous: the house is still available… in fact, there are now THREE houses next door to us (left, right, and across the street) for sale.
Poppy: yeah, cuz you had to know it didn’t happen in this black and white studio with soothing zen music playing in the background. LOL
Ha! Too funny, hon! I remember taking “tasteful” nude photos for Ty-man for a calendar. My friend Christian took them and there I was, in a room stark nekid, my three friends watching, Christian’s husband in the next room.
Mortifying.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Reunited, and it feels so good!
Too funny. I can’t wait to read the next part. What a good lesson in acceptance! I can tell it’s going well. :)
Sarah is Ok’s last blog post..Oscar Recap
Amy’s last blog post..The Other “C” Word
I did too! I assumed Jared took those photos until you told me differently.
Oh honey, I laughed so hard mostly because I could SO see the look on Jared’s face!!!
Britt’s Mom’s last blog post..Letter to My Body - Hello, Gorgeous!
with your husband? hm. i wouldn’t have guessed. I thought husbands were the ones we could let loose with.
LMAO! I can so see Jared’s expression when I was reading this! I thought he took them for you!
Kristin’s last blog post..Is it working?!
I can never beat the timer on my camera, it’s got a setting for “blink and miss it”
The part of never letting them assume anything had me snorting coffee out my nose.
Marissa’s last blog post..Conversations between military wives
Um.
Erm.
Hi, I’m returning your call? You left a comment on my blog? And I thought, now, who is this nice Miss Britt person? Perhaps I’ll click over?
Lovely to make your acquaintance. I’m sure I will be hitting refresh several times an hour until you post again.
Maggie’s last blog post..Home.
So… um… what happened next? Did you get nasty with the hubster? Where can I see THOSE photos???
Kyra Sutra’s last blog post..An Ode To One Of My Manwhores (Dean)
that was hilarious!
I wouldn’t have even been able to take the pics, or if I did I would have done so blindfolded (tricky) and then asked someone else to tell me how they looked.
Yes - I have issues ;)
cynical bastard Jay sent me this way.
Dianne’s last blog post..Everyday Kindness: I Am the Village
I can’t wait to read part two. ROFL.
I thought the photo was very tasteful, btw.
Lynda’s last blog post..Nothing Wrong With Random
Totally living in my house… Totally…(except in my part two The Man gets out the professional light while I lay there naked freezing to death.)
Nat’s last blog post..All that you can’t leave behind
I can’ wait to read the next installment!
B’s last blog post..New Theme
I for one would appreciate those pictures for a purely educational purpose. As you know, I’m trying to improve upon my own talents and photography just might be one! If not photography, then maybe some “tasteful” porn!!
metalmom’s last blog post..Either You Have It or You Don’t
and THIS is why I heart you.
Cheers, Brittski
Wicked H’s last blog post..Worth the Price of Admission
I’m trying to imagine what I would do if I walked into a similar situation with my wife and I just… just… can’t. I’d like to think I would quietly back out of the room and pretend the last thirty seconds never happened, but I might also just stand there and say “Glork!”
Rich | Championable’s last blog post..Gettin’ back to it: Thanks, Ms. Chili.
“Glork!” seems like a very appropriate response, and made me laugh really hard.
This is so funny and beautifully written Brit. Poor Jared. He probably thinks it’s a birthday present for him! ;)
On a Limb with Claudia’s last blog post..Monday Meme
Britt! Please have Jared do a video post of what the hell he thought after having walked in on that situation
Janelle’s last blog post..A Letter To My Body
Oooh, I agree with Janelle!!!!
(I am chattery in your comments tonight. I apologize.)
hahaha, that Adam! Always ruining your fun!
Beth’s last blog post..Lies Women Believe (The Dummas)
You CANNOT keep us waiting too long for part two of this story.
Tense Teacher’s last blog post..Good in Bed
If I ever decided to do something like that, that is exactly what would happen to me, and for some reason, I can imagine the look on Jared face would be the same as my hubby’s.
Fantastagirl’s last blog post..Overheard…Conversations with Pan & Tink
I guess you will just have to take more practice shots, so Jared gets used to the process…
But then I don’t publish my naked photos on my blog where my relatives might find them… I hide them…
Maman’s last blog post..What I did this weekend…
Bwahaha! Too funny, play it off like it’s no big deal that you’re in the bedroom naked with the door supposedly locked. Nice.
Karl’s last blog post..He Said, She Said
CMG: oh you are so braver than me. No WAY I could do this in front of my friends.
Sarah is Ok: well… it’s going.. um… better than expected. Maybe. LOL
Amy: seriously!?!? Do you not know me?!?!?!
Britt’s Mom: um, no. I am not as open and comfortable as you and Amy.
Allyson: yeah, in theory. But I still don’t like to feel stupid in front of him. :-)
Kristin: I can’t believe the three people who know me best - ALL of you thought he took them.
Hello? Control freak?! Paranoid?! Hates to feel stupid?!
Marissa: I had to read the manual to figure out how to make it longer. Then the delay was TOO long and I’m sitting there like “ok… any second now… come on…”
Maggie : it’s not all nudity all the time. I promise! (HI! :D)
Kyra Sutra: heh, no.
Dianne: well, I wasn’t all about sharing until they were edited a bit. Everything looks better in black and white.
Lynda: thanks ;-)
Nat: oh dear God. Thank goodness we don’t have professional lights in this house!
B: crap - I hope it lives up to your expectations! LOL
metalmom: I would happily email them to you. At least SOMEONE would get to see them!
Wicked H: and here I thought it was my charm.
Rich: “glork!” huh?
Poppy: it reminds me of that book about the alien. Fuck - what was that called?
My mom will know.
On a Limb with Claudia: poor Jared, indeed.
Janelle: oh yeah, because he LOVES doing video posts for me.
Poppy: LOL, that’s OK.
Beth: I know. It’s like his life’s mission.
Tense Teacher: nope, just one day!
Fantastagirl: well I’m glad we’re not alone in our marrital awkwardness. LOL
Maman: I sent mine to my mom to have her help me choose.
But my relatives are funny like that.
Karl: I bet I was convincing too. How could I not be?
Stranger in a Strange Land?
Yep! That’s the one!
I don’t think I’ve read that…
I wrote a book about a stuffed animal alien that I named Gagloo when I was 10, but… it was never published for the masses.
Oh this is too damned hilarious!! Poor Jared thought he was gonna be getting lucky!
PS: I’ve finally figured out that its just my work computer that hates me and doesn’t let me use ANY links on your blog….no comments, no “show me the rest”, nothing. My home computer still loves me though.
Sheila’s last blog post..Stupid Say What?!