It’s supposed to be hard right now.
That’s what I keep telling my husband. When the hours get long and one day runs into the next and you long for a weekend that is gone before you realized it was here… I remind him, it’s supposed to be hard right now.
I remind myself as well.
When I look at people who are older than me, or “have” more than we do right now, or whose lives seem to be “easier” right now, I remind myself that there is always a back story.
There are the years he worked two jobs, while she brought the kids and dinner to be enjoyed in a parking lot between shifts. And they both wondered how long they could keep up the pace.
There are the nights after she went back to school, and her children learned to cook and tidy and pack school lunches in her place. And she felt guilty because she wasn’t there to do it herself.
There are the years he missed games and practices and homework, while he was struggling countless hours to give them a chance at more than just “food on the table”. And he feared it would all pay off too late.
It’s supposed to be hard, I remind him.
Sometimes I know the road feels too long to him. There are times when I know he feels like he’s been doing “hard” since he was 19, and he wonders if he can shoulder another 9 years. I remind him it hasn’t always been like this. I remind him of vacations and breathing room and days when it was easier. I remind him that this too will pass, and we’ll have “easy” times for a while.
I don’t know if he believes me.
I remind him that his parents have not always had “easy”. I remind him about layoffs and pain and struggles that he has long forgotten, but that I’ve heard them recall with an accuracy that tells me they will never forget.
I try to explain that this is just what it’s like at this stage. When you’re building. When you’re both working. When your kids are young and growing and needing. I try to remind him that this is just part of life, and that you can still suck out the good while you’re at this point.
Because there is still so much good in these hard years.
There are snuggles and whispers and firsts. There are proud smirks shared above little heads. There are stolen minutes after bedtime and before breakfast. The laughter, the squeals, the cries that can only be comforted with rocking and humming.
I want to look back on these years some day and say that we did it. I want to encourage a young woman someday that yes, it was hard - I remember it was hard - but it was worth it. I want to look back on today and remember that I had enough energy left at the end of the day to squeeze a little more Good out of it. And it was worth it.
I know that it’s hard, I assure him. Hang on, I tell him. I concede that right now, in this day, it feels hard.
But I promise him, it’s worth it.
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With a few sad exceptions, there is some measure joy to be found in nearly everything. Lovely post. Rock on.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 am
All I can say is AMEN SISTER! And dear god I hope you are right!
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:33 am
Absolutely!
Believe me, you two are SO much further along than Mrs. Fab and I were at your age.
And, just saying, for a little R&R, the babysitting offer is still there…
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 am
Beautiful post, Britt. You seem to be a good wife and a source of comfort.(and laughs)
Yes it gets easier and even at my age, there are hard days.Keep up the great attitude and all this is DEFINITELY worth it! :thumbsup:
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:50 am
It feels hard to me.
Wait, are we talking about my penis?
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:58 am
There are always “hard” things, they just change and the number of them goes down as the kids get more independent. I remember looking back and thinking, “How the hell did we manage?” Somehow we just did.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:25 am
Boy ain’t that the truth. When I was a single mom, back in the late 80s, I started saying this and I someday intend for it to be on my grave stone: It will always work out. Think about that. It will. It may not work out the way you thought it would, but it will bring you to the places you need to go. I believe that.
BTW, don’t read my post from yesterday. ;)
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:47 am
My mother tells me that this place we’re in, the middle place, between young adulthood and middle age, it’s the roughest time. It’s hard, yes. But you’ll get though it.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:55 am
It was difficult when MrsRW held a full time job and went to school in the evenings, I had the kids and was Mr Mom almost every day till she graduated. One of us would get home early and hand off the kids. Then when she worked days I worked nights or when I worked nights she worked days and anyway we *just* qualified for our house so we never went anywhere for a while.
Yeah…. what the hell were we thinking??
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 am
This is such a wonderful post because it’s raw, honest, full of feeling and so many of us get it. I remember being in my late 20’s, having no car, walking 2 miles back and forth to work each day, counting money numbers as I walked through the grocery store, wondering how I would pay all of my bills without taking a weekend job and constantly working more and more overtime just to make it.
And you know what? It was just me…no kids, no spouse…just me. And now, 9 years later, that things have settled down, it’s still just us. Our life seems easier because we chose not to have kids. I think I would sacrifice some of the “ease” for kids any day.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
But how can you make this promise?? I only ask because things are hard and I want to believe that it won’t always be like this!
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
You are so right. We all have hard times and eventually get past them and look back with disbelief. Amazed that we survived and are now doing all the things we were jealous of years ago….
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that “this too shall pass” and then when it does you immediately think, “Oh dear, it’s gone… did I enjoy it as much as I should have?”
Coming from someone with a 16 and almost 13 year old… well, I guess that is why Maggie is spoiled. We just know that it goes by way too fast.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
Rich: I agree. Sometimes we just have to look harder.
debkitty: sweetheart, I promise. There are few things I know for sure, but this is one of them.
Mr. Fab: thanks babe - it’s rare we get an actual weekend because of Jared’s schedule. But we’ve found a sitter for Monday nights at least!
metalmom: some days I’m a better wife than others. Give and take and all that.
avitable: one of my favorite things about you is how unpredictable you are.
Doug: I’m careful to not fall into that “can’t wait until they grow up” thing - because then, they do.
Shelli: my mom always says that to me. She should have that on her gravestone too.
Finn: yeah, I hear that alot from people who have survived it.
RW: your wife’s words about those times are some that I hold closest to me when it gets rough, actually.
Hilly: oh sweetie, that comment makes my heart hurt.
Isabel: I can make that promise because NOTHING last forever. Nothing. Not the good, and not the bad. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that life changes.
themuttprincess: yeah, I’m lucky that I’ve had things I can look back on and say that… it helps when things get hard again.
AmyD: yep, exactly. Talking to you always inspires me to hang on while I can, to see the good even in the middle of the rough spots.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
Very good post Britt!
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 am
I’ve found the *only* time I have is *now*. “Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.” No use in worrying about (or living for) tomorrow: today keeps my hands completely full.
I tried to hold on to the moments while the kids are small, but time keeps marching on, so I’ve learned that I can’t.
Now for the upbeat part: I know this ride is ending in tragedy (”none of us are getting out of here alive”). I’ve found I don’t have to look far to find many in worse shape so gratitude has been easy to find.
Sure doesn’t mean I don’t also have moments of despair, so I empathize w/yours.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:44 am
When I was 28 I was single, lived alone with my cat, had a ‘vintage’ Volvo as my transportation and lived tiny paycheck to tiny paycheck.
Y’all have done an amazing thing and it’s all about being there for each other and never losing focus on the importance of the health of your relationship.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:47 am
Ah baby you make me so proud
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:49 am
you’re right. there’s always a back story. i think things can be precarious all the way up until the moment we die. i think your perspective is a good one. and i’m with fab, you’re way farther along than i was in my 20s.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
This gave me the biggest lump in my throat! You are so right! It is damn hard, whether or not you’re a couple or doing it alone, and some days you really just want to hide in the bathroom with a bottle of wine and cry (I know, I’ve done it), but then some days, despite everything, you realise it’s not a bad life :o)
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:54 am
I have gotten thru some of the roughest parts of my life by reminding myself that it was just temporary. I can handle anything if it is only temporary.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Wow….you have no idea how much I needed somebody (other than my mom) to say that to me today. Thank you.
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Great post, Britt! Days like today, when I haven’t slept, the kids are all sick and cranky, and I’m cranky, and I haven’t left the house in DAYS, I just have to keep telling myself that this isn’t going to be forever. I can make it. I can do it.
Then, one of them comes unbidden to give me a hug, a kiss, an “I love you” and I wish I could make it last forever.
January 22nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Do you ever get sick of people telling you you are right? ‘Cause you are you know.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:41 pm
As I told you before: some day your kids are going to write an essay titled “My Hero” or “My Role Model” and one or both of you will be the subject.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it you’re showing your kids how to work hard, get “it” a little at a time, and that the stuff you didn’t have didn’t really make a difference after all.
These are only some of the important things they’re learning. Along with: you still go to work when you don’t feel good, life doesn’t end just because you’re sad, tomorrow is always going to be better so don’t give up today.
Feel better?
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Someday, after the kids are grown and gone, you’ll remember these hard times as some of the best times of your life. It’s amazing how the distance of few years alters your perspective.
Beautiful post, Britt.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:48 pm
When my ex and I were building our house, his car died and the mortgage company wouldn’t let us take out another loan. He drove me to work an hour early every morning, then he went to work, and picked me up after work. It was ridiculous but we were so happy and so in love and didn’t complain. We were a team. We talked about those days often while we were breaking up.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Amen, sister.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Nice Post.
Thanks. :-)
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Janelle: thank you.
jflins: I thought the first part was the upbeat part.
Turnbaby: as always, you’re brilliant.
Mom:
Crys: i got a head start.
Penelope: or with an iPod and a pack of smokes. ;-)
Crazy Lady in Vegas: you’d think that was a simple concept, but it actually took me a while to figure out.
Sheila: you’re welcome.
CMG: I know, I look at Emma sometimes, with her itty bitty face, and I see how much bigger Devin is already, and it just rips my heart out how fast it all goes sometimes.
And other times, I’d pay someone to speed this shit along. LOL
Bec: ummmm…. no. Never.
Mrs RW: I actually feel fine - hubby is the one that’s been needing the encouragement. Thankfully, I had all these wise words from some very wise woman to share with him. ;-)
Aunt Robin: I’m trying really hard to remember them that way now.
Anonymous: Um, hm. I’m not really sure how to respond to that.
Stephanie:
Jillian: ummm… you’re welcome?
January 23rd, 2008 at 7:35 am
That was a little bit of a boost because yeah it’s DAMN hard! And it’s going to continue to be hard until we pay nine more years of Child Support or else find a judge that doesn’t hate men!
Thanks Babe….that was uplifting.
Have fun with my parents!
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:21 am
Awesome post, girl. Seriously.
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:44 am
Yeah… I didn’t really know else what to say. So many people had already expressed my thoughts. I could only come up with a simple “Thanks!”
But yes, as was said before, this was a great uplifting post. :cheesy:
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Kristin: I will enjoy your parents. :-D
J.: thank you, very much.
Jillian: LOL, I understand that - believe me. I always feel weird saying “oh you are SO welcome for my post!”
It feels so… I dunno.. weird.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Nice post, makes one think, as I often try not to. It hurts too much.
It was easy, but things just seem to keep getting harder, and with the accident #3 on the way, I feel lost.
January 23rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’m without internet at home at the moment, and so my reading is restricted to massive bursts every four or five days.
as such I’m coming to the party a little late.
but I just wanted to say this was a beautifully written post.
January 24th, 2008 at 7:57 am
TheManintheKitchen: that’s similar to what my husband has said, actually. It WAS easy, it WAS getting easier… and then we go and do shit like have another baby, or move to Florida.
And it’s then that you have to cling the hardest to the idea that there is a reason and a purpose and it will be worth it in the end.
Dan: coming from someone who writes the way you do, I very, very much appreciate it.
January 24th, 2008 at 8:57 am
This post is absolutely beautiful. If I ever have a family, I hope I can hold the same opinion and hopes as you.
You will make it! It’s that strong personality setting in ;) you definitely won’t give up! :thumbsup:
January 24th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I have an insane amount of friends who are literally millionaires in their early 30’s. Mostly family money, or businesses handed to them. Sometimes, I look at them and wish I had that life.
But then I remember that one couple has a cheating, alcoholic wife; another has to do whatever grandpa says to do with the money; another has a cheating spouse and serious drug addiction. On and on and on.
So the grass is definitely not always greener, which you obviously know. The backstory makes me happy to struggle and know where I stand in life.
Excellent post.
January 25th, 2008 at 8:12 pm