Where to begin…
First, I’m OK. I mean, I’ve obviously got some “issues” going on that need to be addressed - and they will be. But today is better than yesterday.
Secondly, thank you. The emails I got from some of you were so overwhelming - in a good way. I responded mainly with “thank you” because I knew there was no way I could match your kindness and depth of emotion in any way. But I still needed you to know that I read your words… that you reached me. It never ceases to amaze me how kind “strangers” can be, and how not at all like strangers you can be.
It’s a funny thing, this “blogging” stuff - isn’t it?
There’s always someone talking about why they blog, or why we should blog, or what blogging is supposed to be. And I’ll admit I’ve pondered all of those questions myself from time to time, wanting to define my own motivation and goals for maintaining this web site. Is it a desperate need for attention, as some would suggest? Is it a need to connect?
Sure. It’s all of that. And more.
The thing is, I don’t care anymore what this site is supposed to be. It doesn’t matter anymore if someone thinks I have a pathetic need for “internet validation”.
What I know is that when I was falling apart, I needed to put it out there - to put it here. I know that it makes me laugh to make you laugh. I know that sometimes words are rattling around in my head and being able to get it out of my head and turn it into a post that someone else “gets” gives me a strange sense of accomplishment.
I know that somehow, I feel safe here. And I realize that’s ironic because it’s the Internet - but it’s true. Here I can be funny or bitchy or deep or aloof or completely falling apart. And I need that.
I know some of you don’t understand that. Some of my closest friends - even other bloggers themselves - can’t understand the openness I put here. But I couldn’t do it any other way.
So. All that being said…
I need to see a doctor. I know that. Yesterday was bad - really, really bad. And today I’m better - or rather, I feel better. That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. That doesn’t mean I still don’t need to work on the things that led to yesterday’s melt down.
But I am going to tell you that I am still going to be funny here. And irreverent. And pissed off from time to time. The Darkness doesn’t define me - it just can’t.
I guess I have this fear that now that you’ve seen me at my worst, you won’t be able to believe the other parts. You’ll see the funny and the laughter and nod to one another knowingly about how “well, you know, she looks happy, but she has problems” - like some how the dark sides make the other parts less genuine or less real.
I don’t know why I’m telling you that, as if I have a right to expectations of you.
Whew.
Anyway.
There it is.
Here I am.
And I’m going to be OK.
Posted in Blogging Tips, Tricks and Junk for Other Bloggers, It's All About Me, Love and Marriage, On A Serious Note
Britt, You are sooo freaking loved!!! You are NEVER alone and thanks for being “human” - thanks for being a voice for those of us that can’t put our feeling into words as beautifully as you can. You are Blogger Rockstar and never stop being YOU!!!
Wow, was I really the first comment? It’s my lucky day!! WOO HOO
Pharmacology is a beautiful thing. I’m the coolest guy here and I swear by it. Just sayin.
Wow. My yesterday was impossibly dark as well. But today is 1000% better. Weird to know you were going through that same “can we please move on from this totally shitty and horrible ‘nobody loves me, including me’ feeling so that I can be happy again, please please please?” feeling one blog-door down from me…
Glad to hear your better, Some days are just that way. And your right even if it is “Internet validation” its what gets you threw it.
PS - I just read yesterday’s post (I was in no frame of mind to read a lot of blogs yesterday) and it made me smile to read that post after knowing your today is better. I love the part where you get mad at us for being supportive, because I totally understand that. Wanting to let people know what’s going on with you but wanting them to leave you the fuck alone after… I get that.
Two weeks ago was my ‘dark’. I went to the doctor and got something to help me chill a little bit. A very good friend said that she couldn’t deal with being numb. I am NOT numb! I just don’t want to throttle my family anymore!
Do what you gotta-we’ll be hanging out anyway!
“This too shall pass” has became a mantra for me in my life (good or bad ;)
Welcome back.
I almost emailed and then thought I was being intrusive… and then I almost emailed Avi and realised that would be going too far… So instead I did the British thing and made a cup of tea in your honour.
Write this down and tape it to your mirror:
“Today is just one day…it’s not “forever”. This really helped me when I felt like the hole had no way out. *big hug*
As someone who has spent years battling the darkness, I know how you feel, and if you need me, I’m here for you. Always.
We’re here for you, girl.
Oh dear britt welcome to the dark side! It is nice and cozy over here and medication is wonderful. You can definetely be all of those things and get depressed or psychotic too.
Welcome to the world of reality where we ALL have problems and most people could use a trip to the doctor or the pharmacy. Congratulations on realizing you need it. It is kinda like a drug or alcohol problem, admitting there is a problem is the hardest step!
You are human, it’s okay. I (we) are here for you when you need.
Sending many hugs and much love!
Everybody has issues… it’s just that most of us don’t have the guts to blog about them, so take comfort in knowing that people relate to you more than you might think.
Whew. We were worried there for a minute. And by WE, I mean the Royal WE that we are now going to refer to ourself as.
Oh and by the way, this is what WE did today:
This proves nothing except that you are REAL.
Soooooooooooo nice to know that other seemingly-normal people have those horrid, dark days, just like me. I usually chalk it up to PMS, but…….I don’t know. I have taken the attitude of “It’ll pass” and it usually does, but sometimes I feel like I’m just ignoring it and waiting for it to go away, which probably isn’t very healthy. I will never forget telling my OB/GYN many years ago that I had horrible depression during my period. And the old fart just smiled and said “No, you don’t.” To this day, I could shoot him in the face on sight and step over him his cold, lifeless body. (Anger issues? Me???)
Anyway, glad to have you back. We love you and we understand.
Don’t try to second-guess what others think. I think you would be surprised at how many people are just like you. We all have our insecurities, out bad days, our bad months, our bad years. Sometimes we need extra help. Life is messy; it’s not meant to be organized into ziploc baggies. Sometimes, for me, worrying about being worried escalates things more than just allowing my life to be messy from time to time.
We live in a world where society tells us that our lives should be healthy, we should have healthy boundaries, we should behave a certain way in any given situation… But these psychological teachings do not allow for the complications in life that come up frequently.
Like I said; life is messy. Imagine a world where everything is perfect; people didn’t make mistakes; there were no problems. What would motivate us to engage in life? We, as humans, are problem-solvers. We are also emotional beings (yes, men too). Society teaches us that our emotions are not necessarily a reflection of reality, and that we should ignore them, or at least train ourselves to listen to our mind and not our emotions. Problem is, our emotions drive much more of our behavior than we are willing to admit, and we try to supress those emotions instead of embracing them and listening to them for the next best thing to do.
Feeling the way you felt yesterday had to have sucked. Never let anyone tell you that you are messed up. You read my post; did you think I am totally messed up? Did you think I was looking for sympathy online? I bet you didn’t. The same is true back at you. You have every right in the world to express yourself. You have every right to own your feelings, and your feelings are completely valid. They do not make you crazy. They actually make you sane. Realizing your feelings is much healthier than telling yourself not to feel them because they aren’t “right”. So relax. Your feelings will not kill you. They can seem overwhelming, and it may feel like they will kill you. but they will not.
Did you know that it takes considerably more physical energy to suppress a feeling than to release it? There is a true physical response to suppressing feelings. It causes us to become depressed, tired, and generally feel like shit.
I have a punching bag hanging in my garage. I have a metal baseball bat. I focus on what I am angry at, and I beat the living shit out of that bag. I scream about what I need to scream about while I hit that bag. Don’t go hit pillows and crap. Get something that makes loud noise, allows you to scream, and get it out. You would be amazed at how your energy will come back.
Humans are emotional beings. We laugh, we cry, we question ourselves, we grow. And we do all these things through emotions. Those who never question themselves, allow themselves to feel, even the “bad” feelings are the most unhealthy of all of us. So anyone that would write or think that you are “messed up”, or that you are looking for sympathy are probably the most unhealthy of the bunch.
Read around. See how many people empathize? You are not alone. Ever. Can a doctor help you? Absolutely. Medication can be transitional during situational depression, or any other issues you may be having. It allows you to work through your feelings and get to a healthy place.
Write me if you need anything.
I think you are the only one here who has such constantly high expectations of yourself. Most of us come here just wanting to learn a little bit more about who you really are, and that goes for the dark parts too. We all have our dark sides; just some of us are more honest about them than others. Blogging helped me come out of my dark place; you just keep doing your thing, and let those of us who love you just keep coming back here to show you just how much.
Sometimes the blogosphere provides a much needed affirmation that we are not alone. I read your post yesterday and did not want to intrude, since I haven’t been around all that long.
Glad to hear you made it though the shadow.
I think you said something so true with
“”I feel safe here”"
I think you hit the nail on the head with that sugar–I think so many of us feel the same way about our little corner of the blog world–we feel safe with “our peeps.”
So glad your day was better and do what you need to do. It just makes sense.
Damn, I missed your meltdown. Seriously, I’m glad to hear you’re ok. Trust me when I say I’m no stranger to dark moments like that. The most important thing to remember is that life is bigger than this moment. Get some help. You’re going to be ok. :)
i love your openness. truly love it. and wouldn’t want you any other way.
i read this blog for the variety…some hilariously funny posts, some angry posts, some posts where you examine the world or your place in it…love it all.
honestly, i don’t care WHY you write here, i’m simply thankful that you do. my days are actually a tad brighter with you in them. (yes, that sounded cheesy, but it is true. i have a phenomenal life so that was meant as high praise.)
when my mom was getting down about being a sinigle woman dealing with breast cancer she told me to live 20 minutes at a time. 20 minutes is managable. 20 minutes can be a long time, but it is survivable. whenever i get overwhelmed i remember mom’s 20 minutes theory and somehow i get through those 20 minutes and then 20 more.
p.s. even if you have a need for internet validation, that doesn’t make you a bad person. and it sure as fuck does not have to be pathetic. whoever told you that you have a pathetic need for internet validation should meet me in a dark alley. i’ll be the one with the baseball bat waiting for the inconsiderate and judgemental fuck.
I used to care what other people though and what my writing motivations, but I have come to terms with the fact that it’s my blog and I could care less of what people think about what I write. First things first I write for me, no one has to read it, they choose to. I’m very open about my opinions and thoughts and I will continue to be. I’ve had mean comments and I just ignore them and keep on blogging, people can and will always be insensitive.
I am sorry that I am so late in responding! I’ve actually been thinking about your two posts a lot because I completely identify with everything you’ve said. I think I make that obligatory “why do I blog?” post almost once a month, just to help me to define my own damned self. But here’s the thing….you are completely amazing for being able to be so real. I admire that in you!
Also, I’m no stranger to that Darkness and trying not to let it show all of the time. I hate it when I have days where I let it consume me, maybe a week. Then the next time I make a happy and fun blog post, someone will say, “Phew, it’s good to have the real you back again!”. They are all the real me, jackass.
Anyway, I see a doc and I take the pills….if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here :).
I am so glad you finally decided to go. I too felt “numb” at first. Meds were too strong. Just backed off a little I still can laugh and cry with the best of them. Keeps the darkness at bay. And that is very good.
You put it all out there - and we want the good and bad - with the best of them. You do not know how refreshing it is to read someone have the same reactions to everyday life as you do. The “THREE. FOURTEEN. A FUCKING M.” - I have so been there and done that. And laugh at your posts so hard because I can so relate!
So keep your head up. See the DR. and watch out blog world - once she starts feeling better, we won’t be able to keep up!!!!
I read your post, and kept you in my thoughts. I didn’t e-mail you because we are only just getting to know each other.
But -
You have an open invitation to e-mail me any time you want. I know about the darkness, and I know about coming out of the darkness. I’d be more than happy to lend a shoulder to cry on or let you vent at me if you need to.
It sucks to feel like no one understands, so I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
We all have the need to “connect” in some way. And instead of “strangers” I like to think of all my internet friends as stranger friends!
You’re human, and humans are whacked out creatures. We think too much. I happen to think that the more intelligent a person is, the more susceptible they are to *ahem* “problems”.
I laugh at people who think they are “Mentally stable” and stay the fuck away from them; they are in serious denial.
It is often the wittiest, most creative people like yourself who grapple with the dark side the most. I just wanted you to know that I understand what it’s like and that I’m here if you need me. Take things easy if you can.