The Scene:
Yesterday.
Morning Sometime.
My elaborate and very important office in Avitable’s house.
Boss Avitable: Are you completely opposed to Cracker Barrel?
Me: Adam, I am concentrating on my very important work. You know I hate it when you distract me from my very important work.
Boss: I know, and I do appreciate your dedication. But again, would you be willing to go into a Cracker Barrel for lunch?
Me: Well, I suppose if I have to be dragged away from my very important work, I could possibly go into a Cracer Barrel. Why?
Boss: Heather (A Coal Miner’s Granddaughter) is in town, remember? She wants to go go to lunch. Today. At Cracker Barrel.
Me: And? Why are you interrupting my very important work with this news?
Boss: Do you want to go?
Me: I don’t know. Are you sure I’m invited? I don’t want to tag along again and have someone else be all disappointed by my unexpected presence. You drag me to these things under the guise of being wanted and leave me feeling like a party crasher. You’re a fucker, by the way. Have I told you that today?
Boss: Three times. Well, now four. No, no, it will be fine. Do you want to go or not?
Me: Well, I suppose… I have very important work that I am very serious about getting -
Boss: K great, we leave in five minutes.
Me: Wait! Shit! Fuck! Today? I’m not wearing any makeup today. And I didn’t do my hair! And I’m wearing this SHIT!
Boss: So?
Me: So you’re expecting me to completely trash my carefully cultivated internet persona with one spontaneous lunch?
Boss: Are you ready? Let’s go.
Me: You’re a fucker.
And so I set out like this to meet Heather and her husband, Tyler*.
How do you distract a blogger and her husband from your own disheveled (and very OUT OF THE ORDINARY!!) appearnce?
Well, duh. You talk about politics. And religion. And abortion.
When trying to charm a new bloggy friend, it is always wise to laugh hysterically when she reveals her husband is a George W. Bush fan and make your shock and awe at the fact that there are actually Dubya fans left in the world painfully obvious.
If that’s not working, encourage him to start his own blog. So that you can send him hate mail. Make it very, very clear that you are already drafting said hate mail in your head while you munch on your buttermilk biscuits.
You can make casual small talk about work and be insanely impressed at the genius of his career. You may ooh and ahh over pictures of their crazily adorable children. That stuff is nice too.
But trust me, your stance on abortion and welfare is SURE to win them over.
Anyone want to have lunch?
*Please, please God let me be remembering correctly that his name is really Tyler and not Tayler. And please let this not be a closely guarded secret from the Internet. After all this work to make a good impression, I’d hate to ruin it with a silly husband naming
faux paus.
Posted in Blogging Tips, Tricks and Junk for Other Bloggers, It's All About Me, Photoshop is not an addiction
Well, duh! I needed someone to fake a heart attack or start projectile vomiting if they both turned out to be psycho killers. You were my protection!
What kind of crazy cool job do you have? And you do not look frumpy, you look very cute. The red sweatshirt reminds me of the Adam Sandler song. You can’t go wrong with Adam…
And for the record, I am the queen of royally fucking up small talk. I just stick my foot in my mouth when I sit down now to avoid any questioning the matter.
Men just do not “get” the prep time we want and need. And they don’t care what they look like.
I DO love the red sweatshirt. Very festive.
Hope you had fun.
J.
They don’t serve alcohol at Cracker Barrel.
What else need be said?
You actually TALKED at Cracker Barrel?! Are you anorexic? My mouth woulda been too full to talk. But I probably would’ve burped a couple times, just to let everyone know I was still there.
OMG. You went to CRACKERBARREL!!! I
Crackerbarrel!!! I 
the chicken and dumplings, and the ham, and even their meatloaf. When the opportunity arises to go to Crackerbarrel, you go… even if you have had a leprosy outbreak over 90% of your body.
I am jealous.
P.S.
You look neither fugly nor frumpy… but frumpy is the new debonair.
oh how i love breakfast at cracker barrel. no matter what time of the day. when i go with my little cousin we both get grandma’s breakfast (not always on the menu, but always available) and there is enough food to cover a table meant for four. for just the two of us. and we aren’t embarrassed. because in our head somehow cracker barre = nonstop shoveling of food that was sent from heaven. yum.
but back to you. because really, it is all about you. and you absolutely too hard on yourself. even if you were in a burlap sack you would be cute. accept it. embrace it. you are cute!
I think you looked very cute!
P.S. I think NYCWD likes Cracker Barrel.
Even fugly you look better than me! Can I hate you for that now? (just kiddin….no I’m not)
I just told Avi that there are some serious issues that we need to overcome before we meet. Since I am thinking that it is going to be in 2008 sometime, I will be drafting a list of meeting do’s and dont’s so that we do not destroy the world by having all of our powers harnessed under one roof. I am in fact, thinking that a preliminary video conference meeting may be the thing to kick this beyotch off for next year.
I like the dishevled look better than the made up one. You look so comfortable!
I think you looked adorable. And I really love Cracker Barrel.
You are neither frumpy nor fugly. But you do look about 13 in this picture. Bitch.
avitable: I think that’s what you said last time as well.
Kimberly: I think you would find me pretty stiff competition for that crown. LOL
HoosierGirl5: you people are crazy! It’s a zip up hoodie! LOL
RW: I don’t usually partake in alcohol at lunch. Usually.
BottleBlonde: yes, that’s exactly it, I’m anorexic. Can’t you tell by my chubby cheeks?
NYCWD: yeah, I think I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t swoon over “down home cookin’”.
hellohahanarf: cute: what every woman aspires to. *sigh*
Peggy: like a fucking bunny. ARGHHH! LOL
metalmom: I’ve always wanted someone to hate me for being beautiful.
Who am I kidding, you’re still talking “cute”, aren’t you?
ADW: is my inclusion going to be on the “don’t” list? :-(
Debkitty: ACK! No! I hate looking comfortable!!!
Karen: adorable = the new cute.
Finn: yes, exactly. 13. A 13 year old boy. A cute, adorable, 13 year old boy.
Ah, the glamorous life of Miss Britt.
cute is what you look like in a zip up hoodie with no makeup and your hair all zzzzt in a ponytail.
smokin hot is what you look like when you put on a more formfitting shirt, a little makeup and let your hair down.
that is as much as this girl is gonna say. don’t want you thinking i’m all into you in an inappropriate way.
I did not. I invited you to a threesome last time.
Yeah you do look VERY young……glad you had a great time…..I am debating on posting my “dubya” comments on my blog today!
Me and Tyler, a couple of psycho killers. LMFAO!! We had a great time talking with you two, hanging out, stuffing our faces, and I always enjoy talking politics and such with people I hardly know! Avitable was too quiet, though, and Britt, you looked great! See, I never wear makeup, so no makeup is the norm for me and Tyler.
Thanks again for the quick meet and greet. It was wonderful!
This is the second time that we’ve heard about “Avitable was too quiet” in a face to face.
Makes you wonder… why does he REALLY bring you… other than your wonderful company of course!
(truth to the puppetmaster theory perhaps?)
I expect everyone to be a psycho killer.
Eh, you looked fine. I would be happy to meet you when you were looking like that. Even if you weren’t with any other Florida bloggers.
hellohahanarf: ah man - inappropriate is my specialty!!
avitable: no, I must have invited you, clearly, since I am in control of everything you do.
Kristin: I’m hoping this “youthful” thing will pay off when I’m 50.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: yeah, he said it’s because I talk too much.
NYCWD: I don’t know why this whole “puppetmaster theory” is so insanely insulting to me. I mean, surely I should be flattered by the idea that people assume I am able to control every thought and action of a 30 year old man.
And yet, I’m not.
avitable: that’s because you’re a people hater with no soul.
And strings attached to your arms and legs.
Oops - Shelli, got stuck in the filter! :-)
And THANK YOU! I think Avitable is just trying to be nice because I never get invited to anything!! WAHHHH!
(Deanna, I’m just kidding of course - you more than make up for the other lack of invites!!)
disheveled is hot, don’t you know??!?!
It’s probably insulting because of the word “puppetmaster”. I can understand that… the idea of having your hand up someone’s colon… and considering what Avi eats… is relatively nauseating.
In reality though… I just think that its you using your fledgling hypnotical power in preparation for when you ascend the Celestial Throne as the Omnipotent High Empress of the Universe.
Either that or he really wants to sacrifice you to the serial killer he is bound to meet.
You looked fine. Silly.
I think you look cute but I still know what you mean. I hate impromptu meetings when I am not at my cutest and best. It makes me cry ;)
I think you looked cute!
I think you looked cute. I am assuming that you did get all the “very important work” completed after lunch.
I think you look “Library Hot.”
OK, what the Hell did you say about religion and abortion. I want the dirt of the conversation.
ali: I need to contact a modeling agency ASAP then!
NYCWD: for my next trick, I will make you all send me Christmas presents.
Look over here…. :dazed:
themuttprincess: I want my 2 dollars! I mean - APPLE PIE AND PRINCE!!
Hilly: OMG - a real winky cunt!!
AmyD: yes, “cute” seems to be the clear winner here.
NotaGranny: of course!
Rich: LOL, like real librarian hot though, not Librarian in ‘the movies’ hot. LOL
annie: heh, something about fiscally conservative and socially liberal, and welfare, and morally opposed to abortion but refuse to think it should be illegal because society isn’t fit to take care of those women (or those babies) at this point and that it’s all about priorities when it comes to picking a party or a candidate blah blah blah. :-)
To me, “real” librarian hot is the ONLY librarian hot. I’m a librarian hotness purist.
:lmfao: :lmfao:
It strikes me that you may have been overdressed for Cracker Barrel
I hope you are having a good day sugar
You were so pretty and charming when we first met at the party, that I am sure I will be disappointed at subsequent meetings.
Turnbaby: LOL, possibly (and thank you, a better one at the very least)
Mr. Fab: only if I don’t have time to plan.
You’re still a cutie pie no matter what you’re wearing, or what you’re not wearing. You have way too much personality for the outter appearance to sway anyone to NOT like you. And I barely know you. LOL