Dear Retard,
I’m sorry. You’re right. That was mean.
Dear Moron Men Of Central Florida Who Have Determined That 1-4 Is The Hot New Place To Pick Up Women,
Thanks for fucking up my salutation.
And also? Seriously?
What. The fuck?
What is in the reclaimed water you are sipping that has mutated your pin sized brain in such a way that you think that it is appropriate to hit on women ON THE FUCKING INTERSTATE?
Never in my life have I seen this bizarre phenomenon that only seems to affect Central Florida drivers. The honking, the hollering through rolled down windows, the cat calls across two lanes. Dude, it’s ridiculous. And honestly? A little fucking scary to a small town girl who is used to a friendly wave between strangers. And that thing you do where you pull right up beside my fucking car in rush hour traffic and then maintain my exact same speed so as to coast right. fucking. beside me? Do you not see the fucking traffic that is trying to get by you? Traffic is enough of a satanic pain in the ass without you clogging up the works with your roadway romantics.
And really. Seriously. I don’t get hit on in bars, for God’s sake. I have taken enough pictures of myself in the morning to know I am so not car accident worthy in the midst of the pre-dawn commute. Is it the cell phone up to my ear or the stereo cranked obscenely loud that does it for you, freak boy? Are you turned on by my impressive use of the turn signal?
But what I really want to know… what really, truly boggles the fucking mind…
WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND SANE DO YOU POSSIBLY HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THESE HIGHWAY SHENANIGANS?!?
Honestly. Please. Do you imagine that I will be so impressed with your rusted out shitbox that I’ll signal for you to follow me into the next rest stop? Does your redneck fantasy include me squealing with delight at the site of your cassette player on wheels and exclaiming “I was on my way to work, but fuck it! Let’s get it on!” just before I leap from my vehicle and sprawl out in your backseat? Are you hoping I’ll write my number on my the back of a grocery receipt and press it up against the window in hopes that you’ll call me later?
OK. That last one isn’t soooo far fetched. If I was on fucking CRACK!
Seriously.
Dudes.
Stop. Stop now. Or I will be forced to test how far my insurance company’s “bodily injury” limit will go.
Because we both know, I’m the only one in this scenario with good insurance.
Love & Kisses!
Miss Britt
(aka The Bitch In The Mustang Who Flips You Off Every Morning.)
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Didn’t you know that it’s a Florida law that you have to flash your boobs to any guy who stays next to you, catcalls twice, and honks his horn?
TITLE XXIII: Chapter 322. Motor Vehicles
322.161 Right to Breast Exposure
(1) Notwithstanding any provision of law to the contrary, any operator of a motor vehicle who is (i) female, (ii) above the age of 16, and (iii) a holder of any Class E license; shall display (A) both breasts, (B) one breast, if displaying both breasts would be a proximate cause to reckless driving, or (C) her vagina, if she is capable of standing while driving; for no less than nine (9) seconds if this operator is alongside another car on any road, thoroughfare or other environment determined suitable for operation of a motor vehicle by the state of Florida who maintains the same speed with said operator, issues no less than two catcalls, and operats the horn or other sound-making device on his motor vehicle.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Miss Britt - I adore you.
Avi - you f**king rock.
That’s all I have.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:31 am
I-4 is the strangest place. I’m afraid to drive it alone.
But the cat calls? I take those wherever I can get them.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:57 am
Jesus that’s strange. I make it a practice never to look at any of my fellow drivers for fear they will shoot me.
December 6th, 2007 at 7:18 am
Are you trying to say cassette decks don’t make you squeal???
Damn.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:06 am
I like to call it highway stalking and it has happened to me up north. The worst is when some assjack in a semi truck does it. That’s scary. And also why I carry a sawed-off shotgun in my car with me when I drive. Especially when I drive to Youngstown (very dangerous).
December 6th, 2007 at 8:31 am
This post is freaking hysterical because I know that not even ten years ago, we were dying for those cat calls as we rode through the streets in my jeep!
I guess that means we’re getting old now!
Love ya
December 6th, 2007 at 9:16 am
Ahhh Welcome to the South Sweetheart!! I assume you don’t get it from the landscaping crews like I do. 25 Loaded into a rusted out truck with tongues doing that gross thing and screaming eyayayayayaya. Or some other Mexicano speak!
December 6th, 2007 at 9:37 am
I think Avi’s right, Britt. They have laws like that in Texas too.
And you know what they say: the only thing worse than being cat-called on the freeway is being totally ignored.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:45 am
LMAO @ Avi!!
Two items….water pistol and paint…for when they pull up beside you!
December 6th, 2007 at 9:46 am
avi, i think you are my hero. nope. i know you are.
britt, those crazy fuckers probably love that you give them the finger. ignore them. (although i love the paint filled squirt gun idea!)
i tend to drive with my left foot resting on the dash, or with my red tipped toes hanging out the window. once while driving on the highway (headed home after work) i noticed a pick up pacing beside me, falling in behind me, pacing me again, falling in behind me again. when i put on my turn signal to exit i noticed the truck’s signal go on. at the light at the end of the long exit ramp pick up boy pulls up next to me and is staring at me. i drive to the nearest gas station because he sure as hell is not about to know where i live and he also pulls in. gets out of the large pickemup and walks over, opening the conversation with something about loving red nail polish. and toes. grrrrrrrrrrrrreat. i threatened to call the police, holding up my cell phone for emphasis, and told the fucker to stay until i was out of sight. then i drove to a male friend’s house just in case whackjob didn’t do as he was told. what is wrong with people that they think highway stalking is acceptable? sheesh!
December 6th, 2007 at 10:31 am
Roadway flirtation only happens when the person in question is super-hot. That means YOU. Be flattered, don’t wreck your car…. and make sure your door are locked and your windows are up.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:17 am
avitable: now if you could just, please, apply some of that ingenuity to selling more lifelike vaginas.
Bonnie: heh, that’ll do.
Peggy: but the honking and crap always scare me! At first I thought I had a flat tire or must have left my gas cap open or something!
RW: I know right, what the fuck?
NYCWD: only if they contain a personalized mix tape.
ADW: yes but you are actually ridiculously hot at all hours, I’m sure of it. And you get hit on in bars.
I ONLY get hit on in my car.
Kristin: yes, well, not even 10 years ago I was dancing on bars and pretending to be a lesbian in Cancun. LOL
Debkitty: holy crap, no. I think I would die right there on the spot.
Kelly: no, no, I think I would choose ignored during the commute. Fuck - I AM getting old!
metalmom: that? is brilliant!
Dear Internet, please send water pistols. I’ll supply the paint. XOX Miss Britt
hellohahanarf: what? why does he get to be your hero? HE DOESN’T EVEN DRINK!!!
Nina: oh no. Trust me. That aint it.
About 2 months after I moved here I had a guy at a gas station tell me I had a nice ass… while I was sitting in my fucking car!!!
December 6th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Holy crap - that seems worse than when we PURPOSELY would cruise down the street with our big hair and club music pumping back in the day.
It’s kinda trashy, isn’t it? Or is it just me?
December 6th, 2007 at 11:38 am
I bet he thinks you are playing hard to get.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Let’s be perfectly honest, if the guy were like Brad Pitt - hot, in a BMW or something… you would NOT have written this post.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:53 am
I am with Amy. You would be all over Prince if he did this.
December 6th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Ooo, excellent example Mr. Fab - why didn’t I think of Prince?
December 6th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
I’m reading between the lines here and seeing that you are totally flattered by the attention of being hit on.
No? Oh.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Hilly: it’s uber fucking trashy (the highway leering now, not the cruising back then - that was COOL!! LOL) - it makes me seriously uncomfortable.
themuttprincess: it wouldn’t surprise me if they were too stupid to distinguish horrified from coy.
AmyD: if it was Brad Pitt I would roll down my window and yell “Oh no! I know your game Mr. Pitt! You’ll just dump me for your next hot costar in a few years when you’ve stolen the best years of my life from me!!”
Mr. Fab: sadly, Prince is far too classy for this approach.
I’m still holding out hope however that he’s not above sneaking through my bedroom window.
AmyD: because you don’t know me at all! *sob*
Poppy: Um, no. I don’t really do between the lines.
If I was flattered I would come right out and say how cool it was that men were giving me attention rather than pretend like I was too innocent to appreciate it.
It’s not flattering to be leered at when you’re a woman traveling alone in a metro city known for it’s random violence.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Wow. After Avitable’s comment, there’s pretty much no additional comment worth making. That was kind of fantastic.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
I have an idea that you might wanna try. The next time this jerk off tries his shit again. Hold up a sign large enough so he can read it(if he can read) that says
MY HUSBAND IS A COP AND THANKS FOR SUPPLYING ME WITH YOUR LICENSE PLATE NUMBER. HAVE A NICE DAY
December 6th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Pardon me, I’m new here, but is your Mustang red? Doesn’t that constitute a fuck-me-machine?
December 6th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
I have a very dry sense of humor…
I assure you I was kidding. There’s nothing cute about assholes catcalling you, no matter where you are.
And I take offense to the red analogy, but I won’t continue my thought on that.
December 6th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Being inbred probably has caused a lack of useable brain cells–the poor guy. I guess you will have to continue to flick him off.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
As a girl from a small country this whole concept terrifies me back to sitting by the duck pond on the village green not looking at anyone in case they shoot me with a rifle.
December 6th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Rich: I know, he’s such a show off!
Mindy: dude, they kill cops down here! LOL
Rick: no, I’m sorry, you must have the red mustang confused with the Camry.
The red mustang is a don’t-fuck-with-me car.
Poppy: yeah, isn’t it fun when men (although I think Rick was kidding - but in general) assume that “you’re putting out the vibe” so that makes it OK.
Especially when “the vibe” can range from being blonde, wearing makeup, having on heels, or driving a red car to having a pulse.
themuttprincess: until I get a brush guard anyway.
Bec: did you just say you were from a small COUNTRY?
December 6th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Phonetically funny and geographically true - that doesn’t happen everyday!
December 6th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Very, very funny. I am so glad you have a Mustang because now I know you can outrun them if they decide to give chase.
December 6th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
“Cassette player on wheels” - damn. Couldn’t have said it better myself!
December 6th, 2007 at 10:23 pm
I have a cure for your problem. Hang a rosary around your rear view mirror. It wards off perverts. (I speak from experience) I think it tells them that you’re a sexless nun who doesn’t want their ween anywhere near her schnitzel.
December 7th, 2007 at 7:30 am
Bec: indeed :-)
Selma: well yeah, there is that thank God.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: I’m pretty sure I have to give Adam Sandler credit for that one.
BottleBlonde: OMG duh - I forgot to take mine out of the SUV when it got handed down to my husband. That explains everything!
And of course HE doesn’t need it - a man with any signs of virtue is like a freaking magnet for chics.
December 7th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Why has this never happened to me? Is Nina right? (She’s right about you…) Shit.
Or maybe it’s because down south here they’re too busy talking on their cell phones and driving 100 mph to even notice that there are other cars on the road, much less people in them.
Yeah, that’s it.
December 7th, 2007 at 9:46 am
I assure you, it is not an oozement of Hotness. LOL
December 7th, 2007 at 9:55 am
In answer to your question to redneck behavior, YES WE DO cruising up next to you on an interstate and showing our level of attraction (horniness) is enough to get you to pull over at the next rest stop. We believe it with our entire ebing because the good book of Penthouse Foprum told us it was true.
Just because we have never caught one does not make it any less true than Santa Clause or thr Tooth Fairy. Two other individuals that seem to create their own little Redneck sexual fantasy, but that’s a subject for a different blog Post.
December 8th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Boy Brains are weird.
December 8th, 2007 at 5:25 pm