I wrote this post yesterday afternoon, but I saved it to see how I felt about it this morning. (Which means this post is going to be a mess because I apparently do not have a future as an editor.)
Part of this whole “depression” thing is that I don’t trust my thoughts or emotions right now. I wanted to make sure all of this “Oh My God I can fucking BREATHE again! Oxygen is so AWESOME!” stuck around for more than 45 minutes before I started declaring an epiphany. (I’m still breathing this morning - and I’m wearing make up.)
Part of who I am, depression aside, is that I worry constantly about what people will think of me. I obsess about whether or not I’m being a “good person” or a “bad person”. I’m constantly stressing about what people will think about me, or my marriage, or my parenting.
My friends and my mother have told me a million times that I’m too hard on myself and I’ve sighed that “I know”, but inwardly I’m thinking that if I let my true self run rampant they would all recoil in horror at how selfish I really am.
So OK, fine, I don’t want to be a bad person. That in and of itself is not so horrible an idea. I think it’s good thing to strive to do better. At least, in theory.
The problem is that all that guilt and stress and worry is crippling.
And in my case, it’s gotten extremely counterproductive.
My need to “be a good person” - or rather “not be a bad person” - has morphed into a bizarre cycle of bitching and moaning. Namely, my friends will say “well just do this/tell him this/say no/don’t worry about it/xyz blah blah blah”.
And I predictably respond with, “I don’t want to be a bad person and your solution would make me seem like a bad person and therefore I am not going to do anything to fix my problems and I will just continue to suffer in silence.”
Oh, wait, except I don’t do silence well. So, “I will just continue to suffer and bitch about it until neither of us can no longer stand it.”
This hit me while I was peeing yesterday (shuddup) and it occurred to me that maybe it’s not so much fun to be friends with a martyr. Especially one who hasn’t mastered the Suffer In Silence Course.
So I’m sitting there peeing and thinking to myself and I say “self, would you rather be friends with a happy and possibly selfish person? or a whiny cry baby martyr?”
“Well, self, I think I would prefer a happy and possibly selfish person. Because I bet they are funny and a hoot at parties. But between you and me? Martyrs are kind of exhausting.”
“Yes, exactly. Plus - you know how it ends for martyrs, right?”
“Oh God, that’s right! And we both know I wouldn’t handle a hanging or burning at the stake well.”
“Good point. And good job self. Wait, get back here, wash your hands, self.”
My effort to be someone that no one would ever think badly of has led to me being someone that I, personally, couldn’t stand to be around.
Here’s the other hysterically ironic thing about trying to ensure no one ever thinks badly about you: they do anyway! You can bust your ass trying to make a good impression and someone will still say you try too hard or think you’re a drunken gutter slut who treats your husband like shit!
Can you imagine!?! It’s almost like it doesn’t matter what you do, someone is going to decide not to like you! It’s like.. like… like you have no control over what people think about you!!
I know, it sounds crazy. But I swear to God - I think it’s true!
So.
I’m done being a “good person”. I’m done carrying around guilt and shame and flogging myself regularly instead of just putting on my big girl panties and DOING SOMETHING about it.
Even if that means being a burden. Even if that means asking for help. Even if that means saying no, or dealing with the in-laws, or NOT dealing with the in-laws, or my husband thinking I’m a fucking nag or the Internet thinking I’m a bad mom or whatever.
Enough is enough. Because in the interest of trying to make sure I was a good enough person for everyone else in the whole fucking world, I’ve turned into someone that no one should have to put up with. No one.
Not even me.
It’s time to get fucking HAPPY.
(Which yes, I know, still means taking my happy ass to the doctor. And possibly stapling a honey-do list to my husband’s chest. :-) )
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I know that this whole post is a lie. There’s no way your inner self would tell you to wash your hands after you pee!
December 13th, 2007 at 9:19 am
I just gotta say I already think you are a drunken gutter slut who treats your husband like shit!
But I totally enjoy you, the most beautiful and most wonderful things about you are your flaws. I think you should flaunt them, perfect people are not likeable. I like seeing that you have flaws because to me that means maybe you can accept mine.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:43 am
Isn’t it amazing how the bathroom is the only place where everything makes sense?
December 13th, 2007 at 9:46 am
yaaaaaaay, britt! this is exactly what i hoped you would arrive at, although i figured it would take a bit longer. way to exceed the curve!
when i would tell my mom, “i should do this or i should do that” she always (ALWAYS) told me not to should on myself. said i might as well shit on myself if i planned on shoulding on myself. took a bit, but eventually it sunk in. some might call it selfish, but i think we all need to love ourselves first (not like that kind of self love, avi) and not put so much damn pressure on ourselves. i have a feeling you will be the best wife, the best mother, the best employee and the best friend when you love you & take care of you. only when you are happy can you make others happy.
wait. i take that back. you can’t make others happy. but being the best you that you can be is one hell of a start.
p.s. wait until you see the little present i picked up for you last night. you’ll giggle. and maybe snort. i did when i saw it.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Funny how it all becomes clear when you’re sitting on the can. Maybe getting rid of all that sh*t is helpful. tee hee
Anyway, kiddo, your condition is unavoidable…….you’re blessed with that non ending guilt because you’re a CATHOLIC!!!!!! Goes with the territory, or, in some Catholic conciences, it’s totally suppressed. One or the other, no in between.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:52 am
I recently discovered your blog and I must say that I have you in my faves. I read your blog EVERYDAY.
Without further ado….
I THINK YOU FUCKING ROCK!!!!
We can’t always be happy and depression is normal…especially this time of year.
I will now stop playing a pyschiatrist. :doh:
Have a drink on me!!!!!
December 13th, 2007 at 9:59 am
You can’t make all of the people love you all of the time… but you should make the most important person in your life love you most of the time. The most important person, contrary to popular belief, should be you. To hell with the rest… they aren’t wearing your shoes (which is a good thing, really, because who knows WHERE their feet have been) or having to walk in them.
Maybe that can be considered selfish… and if so… oh well… so I’m selfish.
Oh… and this line…
“Yes, exactly. Plus - you know how it ends for martyrs, right?”
This made me choke on my buttered roll.
December 13th, 2007 at 10:09 am
So glad you are feeling better…
December 13th, 2007 at 10:34 am
Yep, the reminder about how things end for martyrs is fabulous!
I am one to suffer in silence, but then the bad feelings get pent up and one day I explode in the middle of Sears over something extremely mundane, like why boys and girls toys are still so damned gender biased. Except really, explode. :violent029: (this is a true story–I recently lost my shit in Sears over this b/c I was made about something since the previous Saturday but hadn’t said anything to the offender)
December 13th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Mad, I mean. Mad. Argh.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:00 am
hahaha@ my Mom. Dude, the guilt sits on one shoulder, the shame sits on the other! I’m tellin ya!
December 13th, 2007 at 11:00 am
I am friends with a martyr and they ARE exhausting! I took thirty years to realize that I was trying to impress the wrong people.
Once I let go of that, I was WAY happier!
December 13th, 2007 at 11:11 am
The western idea of selfishness is really an erroneous one. In Mandarin there are actually two terms for Selfish (I learned this from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Love, Pray a book you might like); one positive, one negative. The positive definition concerns self-nurturing, positivism, purpose in life, fulfillment, etc. The negative one, however, deals with cruelty and harm to others, and is negative.
What I’m saying is, it’s not WRONG to be selfish, it is actually a good thing. It is not egoistic to look after your own self-interest…you should! If you do not stick up for yourself nobody will do it for you, PLUS nobody will respect you for it.
You have a brain in your head because God gave it to you; same with your mouth and your feet. Use them to make yourself happy!
December 13th, 2007 at 11:26 am
December 13th, 2007 at 11:41 am
Drunken Gutter Sluts of the World… Unite!!
December 13th, 2007 at 11:51 am
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time!
December 13th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Yay for epiphanies! I used to be exactly like that until….hrm, well until I got medicated, LOL. Now I just do what I feel is right and figure that someone somewhere is not going to like my choice. But, that’s on them…good people make mistakes too :).
December 13th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
I have those same good/bad person thoughts, and also the not doing your solution because it will make me a bad person. I just tend to internalize a lot.
What I am trying to say is, sometimes you have to bitch and moan, or you will explode. (My husband hates when I have bottled so much I explode.) It isn’t a pretty sight.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
avitable: that’s not true! myself tells me to go wash my hands lots! It’s just, sometimes I tell myself to fuck off and quit being such a pussy.
Debkitty: I’m really going to have to drink more if I’m going to carry this title off.
NotaGranny: yes - either the toilet or the shower. LOL
hellohahanarf: present? Did you say present? I love presents!!!
Momma: I can handle worrying about what GOD thinks of me. At least with God I can say *shrug* well, YOU made me like this.
Lisa: thank you. The longer you stay, the more you will appreciate my awesomeness.
Or, you will develop a secret hatred of me that you passive-aggressively let out in little snippets here and there.
It’s a coin toss, really.
NYCWD: plus everyone knows I have the best shoes in the room.
Nina: thanks
wafelenbak: wow - I probably shouldn’t tell you then that I decorated my daughter’s room in “princess” - huh?
DeannaBanana: so explain to me, fellow Catholic, how it is that YOU so clearly don’t give a fuck??
metalmom: uh, thanks, information I could have used YESTERDAY!!
tee hee, I kid.
Crys: I need to learn me some Mandonese! (Ok, fine, Mandarin - jeeez!)
Mindy: normal is relative, LOL but thanks
ADW : WE NEED SHIRTS!!!!
AmyD: and some bites go down better with *water*
and by *water* I mean *booze
and by *booze* I mean *drugs*
Hilly: really? wow - imagine how brilliant I will be when I get medicated!!
December 13th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Lynda: sorry - simulposting here!
Yeah, my explosions are messy and always include collateral damage.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Dead wrong my friend, dead wrong. I entirely give a fuck, I just internalize everything rather than show any weakness at all, because that is just oh-so-much mor healthy.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
What is it I said to you a few months back?
“Let out your inner bitch, darling!”
I am sitting here thinking about all the “bad girls” on soaps and TV shows - hell, even our beloved Scarlett O’Hara. Would you rather be a fabulous Scarlett or that mealy mouthed Melanie?
I’m proud of you, baby girl.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Recently came across this little nugget and I wanted to share - What other people think of us is not our business. Now……ponder THAT for a moment. It’s way too simplistic and much too true. We have NO CONTROL over what other people think of us and we can’t CHANGE it so it’s none of our business.
Funny thing is, we keep trying to please everyone else but did they ASK you to please them? Probably not. Did they ASK you to be perfect? Probably not. We do this to ourselves, isn’t that a pisser? I have a feeling men don’t do this - is that true?
December 13th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Oh, I have no issue with a princess themed bedroom. Provided I haven’t been bottling something totally irrelevant up for an entire week! ;)
December 13th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
I’m done being a “good person”.
Does that mean your all set on going on that international killing spree you’ve always dreamed of?
December 13th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
AMEN Girl! And Hon, being yourself is the best thing that can happen to you and ALL the people around you. We’ll love you no matter what!
Need to borrow my boots and whip?
December 13th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
doesn’t it just suck… i’d like to say “just be yourself! it’s worked good so far!!!”… but then, who knows if your real sel f and your overthinking self are the same self…
huh?? :confused:
nevermind!!
December 13th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Awesome! I am so fucking proud of you right now. And you BETTER take me up on that offer for next month!
December 13th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I came to that same realization a long time ago. It’s a good one to remember.
December 13th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
DeannaBanana: oh Dee, that makes me so sad. And it surprises me, to tell you the truth.
Mom: yeah well, let’s see how I’m doing in two days. LOL
Bonnie B.: you know, I’ve heard that “it’s none of our business” bit a while ago. Of course I probably dismissed because everything is ALWAYS my business. Pfft.
wafelenbak: LOL, good to know.
Dan: no, it more means I have less people I give a shit enough about to kill.
DutchBitch: a whip could come in handy…
Tori: I think I’ll still be the same me - just slightly less neurotic. :)
Mr. Fab:
annie: good - I’m putting you in charge of reminding me next time I flip out. K?
December 13th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
How is it that we homo-sapiens do our best thinking while squatting on the Porcelain God? Who knew?
Good for you! Good for your epiphany! Just don’t give up!
December 13th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
I used to worry obsessively about everyone liking me.
This quote has come in handy, to snap me back to reality:
“If everyone likes you, you’re doing something wrong”
Bette Davis
December 13th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
December 13th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
Yay! Good for you for realizing all this confusion that is life. I’m still getting there. I saw your twitter that you got an appointment - so that’s awesome news too.
In the meantime, I appreciate your honesty - it’s refreshing and I’ve learning something today, so thank you.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
:thumbsup:
Well done.
December 14th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Nothin’ to say. VERY glad you’re back.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Worried about what other people think of you, and you have a blog? Hello?
December 14th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
I remain amazed at the number of snobs in this world and how they haven’t been taken out.
I would put in a word for martyrs (the real ones): as the Word says that while they were abused beyond belief, the world was not worthy of their presence. I find some incredible beauty in that.
December 15th, 2007 at 2:50 am
I don’t think being honest about who you are and what you want/need is being a ‘bad person’.
December 15th, 2007 at 7:22 am
Is it me, or did Jack just say that snobs should be murdered, and then try and paraphrase scripture?
It’s probably me, because I haven’t had enough coffee.
For a second there, I thought he trying to imply that by using the word “martyr,” you meant to equate yourself with a Biblical Scale Martyr, as opposed to how you clearly and obviously meant it.
Again, I need more caffeine. Off to fix that now.
December 15th, 2007 at 10:16 am
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: one. day. at. a time.
DeppFan: well, i’ve never been able to pull off everyone liking me anyone - i guess that means I’ve been doing it right all along! LOL
Mrs RW:
Karen: I don’t know, today I feel like the only thing I’ve figured out is that damn doctor’s appointment.
Finn: thanks!
Rich: heh, back is relative anyway.
Gecko Rock: yep!
Jack Flinsbaugh: hmmmm - well, THIS martyr I’m sure is not doing much of anyone any good right now.
Turnbaby: even if what you want is to lie on the couch and have someone feed you grapes and rub your feet?
December 15th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
On this subject:
http://www.dooce.com/2007/12/13/because-i-couldnt-say-it-phone
December 15th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
It sure is nice when we embrace out inner bitches, isn’t it?
The thing is, you’re not really a bitch at all when you say no or whatever. You’re just being nice to yourself.
I actually like saying no, but I am a hardcore bitch like that.
I love seeing someone’s face when I say no.
There is probably something wrong with me. :)
December 15th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Sorry, didn’t consider in my 2:50am posting how my words sounded; gee, probably safe bet I’m not for murder. Just an observation that it’s surprising how they incense others that they haven’t pushed *others* over the line. Not a call to do so - please.
On the scripture thing, I work with people who go to dangerous places, putting themselves on the line continually. We wait for the day that we may lose 1 or all from a project. Yeah, I think they’re beautiful and that’s what the Word has to say about them.
December 16th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
You are who you are. Make you happy and to hell with the rest of ‘em! And I think it’s safe to say you make your readers happy or we wouldn’t be back…ya know.
We are all like snowflakes…each one of us different.
December 16th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
I too suffer from the throes of martyrdom and it took an earthshattering, life-changing experience for me to overcome it…oh, and a great marriage counselor. I learned you don’t have to be a bitch to speak your mind, you can voice what you need or want, and you can say no when you need to. There is a way to reach a happy medium, trust me.
I am proud of your conclusion, and thumbs up on the handwashing…it is the flu season!
December 16th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
A-fucking-men! (Am I going to hell for saying it that way? lol) I am you. You are me. I swear it. I have been catching up on your posts and, OMG, I can so relate. I want everyone to like me and I do NOT understand it when they don’t. Or that when they say mean things about me, it’s on them and not on me. They haven’t taken the time to know the real me. Or the real you. Am I right?
HUGS! HUGE HUGS!
December 17th, 2007 at 11:20 pm