POP QUIZ:
Is this a cute picture*, or what?
ANSWER:
Fuck. No.
And NOT because…
- The Packers lost last night to the most hated Cowboys AND Brett Favre aka The Future Mr. Miss Britt got hurt, pretty badly.
- And it’s not really cool to wear the team jersey the day after a bad loss – even if they are matching.
- Or the fact that my unmade bed is a little overwhelming of any possible cuteness.
- Or the fact that my son looks like he’s about to be led to the guillotine (which is still an option).
- OR even that there is another spot in the picture, making me wonder if in fact I do have a ghost – or very badly need a new camera.
No, no – while all of these things are disturbing, they pale in comparison to the real disaster here:
THIS IS WHAT THESE LITTLE SHITS LOOKED LIKE AT 3:14 THIS MORNING!**
THREE. FOURTEEN. A FUCKING M!!
I can’t remember what exactly it was that woke me up – mother’s instinct, the sounds of an intruder, mysterious snickering in the next room maybe. I don’t know. But whatever it was, I looked at the clock and noticed that it was 3:14 AM!!! and something was not right.
I walked out into the living room to find both of my children not only awake, but up, dressed, and having already eaten fucking breakfast!!!!! At 3:14 in the damned morning!!!!!!!!! (really, there are not enough exclamation points in the world!!)
I calmly explained to my offspring that it was 3:14 IN THE DAMNED MORNING! and therefore not an appropriate time to get up. Everyone was going back to bed. And no, I actually don’t care that you’re wide awake. Or dressed. Or have eaten. Yes, I know you just ate breakfast but no you are not brushing your teeth because it is not teeth brushing time. It is still Please For The Love Of God Let Me Get Some Sleep Time!
Ahem. So. Everyone went back to bed.
For about.. oh… I think… forty-five fucking minutes!!!
Yes, I think that’s right. I’m pretty sure it was about 4 AM when my son wandered into my room and woke me up to ask me if I would initial off a couple more spots on his Reading Challenge sheet. At four. AM.
No. Back to bed. Now. Immediately. Getting angry. Back. To. Bed.
I put the pillow over my head and prayed to God that over the next hour and forty five minutes I would somehow manage to achieve a deep enough sleep that I could forget all this in the morning – in the real morning.
4:45. Apparently my son is whizzing through his reading challenge and is afraid that if he waits until a less than unholy hour I will lose all ability to initial. So, although I’m pretty sure I made myself very clear at 3:14 am and 4:00 am, somehow my talented and gifted child assumed that 4:45 am was a perfectly acceptable time to wake me up AGAIN. To initial his damn sheet!
Now, I am not a monster. I understand that with parenting comes things like nightmares and desperate dehydration in the middle of the night. I get that. I do.
But seriously?!?!?!?! From 3:14 AM until I finally GAVE THE FUCK UP AND GOT UP ALREADY, he was waking me up for some inane reason or another every forty-five minutes.
Somebody tell me WHY children are instinctively wired to drive you to the brink of sanity?
Please, explain to me HOW IN THE HELL it makes sense in their little bitty brains that 3 o’clock is a perfectly acceptable time to get up and STAY UP?
And also, really, I’d like to know – how is it that after all of this I ended up getting up LATE? *sigh*
I need a nap.
*This picture was not actually taken at 3:14 am. Punishment for driving mommy crazy is to pose for the camera and have yo bidness broadcast to the Internet. Welcome to iParenting.
**If you send me hate mail for calling my children little shits, I will probably immediately fall to my knees and thank the Holy Virgin Mother herself for sending you to me and immediately repent of all my evil ways. Or, tell you to go screw yourself. So that you can try it sometime.
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Posted in Kids and Parenting - Real Mommy Blogging Tagged: Green Baby Packers, kids, mornings, parenting
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And now, even worse, you will have to deal with the cranky, bitchy, little shits after you pick them up this evening. And they will thereby fuck with your Friday evening. And want to go to sleep early, which if you do not stop, will ensure that they will wake you up at 3:14 tomorrow morning, thereby fucking with your Saturday sleep in.
Why didn’t someone tell us what parenting was REALLY like?!?
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Didn’t those little shits notice it was still fucking DARK?!?!
But they are such cute little shits!
*little shits…does that make them turds?*
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Ooh – did I forget to mention that when I was over there the other night I set the alarms in their room back three hours?
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They do look awfully cute though, honey.
And you have to admit, it’s pretty funny.
You know the family motto – funny covers all sins.
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They are adorable.
3:14 is a tad bit early though.
I think they probably will be in bed at 5:00pm so perhaps there is a silver lining to all of it!!!
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What I want to know is which one woke up first and decided to wake up the other one.
My money’s on the boy. He’s got that look about him.
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How freaking hysterical!! At least your son is using his insomnia to read and educate himself.
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OMG! You’re a much better mother than I. They would have been tied down in the beds and after the first trip into the room asking for initial, a beating would have taken place. Whew!
My husband likes to refer to those early hours of the morning as “o-dark-thirty.” What a geek.
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Sucka!
My five year old did that all week–she was sick though, so forgivable. But I’m not used to it anymore, so I’m still dragging. It’s nice to know that someone else is suffering too.
And um…
Go Cowboys!!! Go Cowboys, go, go, go Cowboys!
Come on, Britt, sing it with me.
Go Cowboys, go Cowboys!
NO?
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Your son does not look too happy to be wearing that shirt. I can send him a Bucs shirt!
3:14 am…hee hee hee
Now, go take a nap!
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I agree. Little shits is right.
I think you handled it rather well, I may have screamed and stomped my feet and locked them in their rooms had it been me.
But Thank GOD it wasn’t me. I slept like a rock and was toasty warm in bed at 3:14am.
:nana:
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The only thing that bothers me are the shirts. What is that, Packer shirts, like, ritual abuse?
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“Somebody tell me WHY children are instinctively wired to drive you to the brink of sanity?”
Well I can tell you that: It’s so you get to experience what YOUR parents went through, hence the Parent’s Curse. Duh. lol.
And I also know why your son has that look on his face. It’s because he’s wearing that lame-ass jersey when what he really wants is a Romo blue and white.
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DeannaBanana: oh no, if I have to make them run laps around the neighborhood, those kids are staying up LATE tonight!
metalmom: ah, turds, why didn’t think of that?
avitable: you probably did too, you fucking loser.
Mom: Nanas have no say in this.
themuttprincess: oh no, we must break the cycle!
Peggy: yeah, I don’t know, I think the little one is actually more evil – she just hides it better… which is a sign I think of of her more evil nature.
Karen: I suppose there is THAT silver lining. I kind of wish I hadn’t taken the TV out of his room now.
CMG: I have been nominated for Mommy Dearest Of The Year a few times. :angel:
Victoria: oh, I’m sorry, what did you say? YOU HAVE NO SOUL??? Ah, I thought so.
NotaGranny: do they actually sell Bucs jerseys? Weird.
sam: yeah, well, I haven’t puked recently, so – there! :nana:
RW: those are voluntary. Believe me dear God they are voluntary. Especially the little ones – I would pack away if I could.
Kelly: I embrace my children’s right to make their own decisions.
Unless they choose to like the Cowboys.
In which case, I will SHUN THEM LIKE A BAD AMISH!!
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Tonight you can enjoy your time of keeping them awake until a decent hour so that they sleep tomorrow. Each time their little eyes close, you can poke them in the ribs really hard and say, “want me to initial anything NOW?”
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Well babe, I will be thinking of you at that time tonight/tomorrow morning! That is usually around the time I get myself to bed after corraling all of our children to bed. I don’t know why they feel sataying up all hours of the night is acceptable in my house!
BTW….Sorry for their loss (Pack)
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This post brought to you by Kwikset Door Locks.
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So sorry for your morning, but I have to say I love ya!
Here I am a Texas girl living in the heart of cowboy country and I sure felt like the lone ranger sitting at a bar last night cheering on and screaming in disgust at times for my dearly loved packers!
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“I will SHUN THEM LIKE A BAD AMISH!!”
I. loved. that. line! It will most likely be repeated in my home. BTW, I think even Amish, when deprived of sleep repeatedly, refer to their offspring as little shits.
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Let’s get together and bitch. Maggie crawled into our bed last night… proceeded to have nightmares or whatever that caused her to kick me in the boobs and my nose (yes, she was upside down in the bed) which woke me up… it was 2:30. I didn’t go back to sleep until almost 5am.
I feel your pain. They are cute… but no they are not cute. I get it.
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In my mind, the only thing worse than kids waking you up all night long (without a near death sickness involved) is your kid gaining your attention in the middle of an intimate act, to tell you the new lock on the bedroom door is not working.
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Back in the day, my sister and brother-in-law awoke to the sounds of my nephews (deannabanana’s cousins) up to no good. They ran downstairs to find them sitting on the counter beside the stove, cooking eggs. They were hungry after having painted the kitchen cupboards BLACK!!!! yup, it was around 3am , and they were 2 and 3 years old.
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I have lots of deanna banana stories :cold:
:secret:
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OH
HELL
NAW!
My panties woulda been in a wad, too, if I had to wake up that early and the house wasn’t on fire. Invest in rope, ballgags, and handcuffs. That should keep the kiddies in bed.
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Fogspinner: he he he he, that’s brilliant!!
Kristin: maybe next time I should call you then?
BOSSY: I am glad the Internet has officially given me permission to lock my children in their bedrooms.
deb: Oh! Oh! Love you tooooo!!!!!!
Ms. Understood: that is a good line. I think I need to make up more reasons to use it as well…
AmyD: maybe we can get a bargain if we buy restraints in bulk?
Y2K Survivor: you’re right. You win. That is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy worse.
Momma: for some reason, I think I remember Deanna telling me that story.
I would have seriously lost my shit. Seriously. I am sure God has not allowed that idea to enter my children’s mind for their own protectin.
BottleBlonde: I do have pink fuzzy handcuffs. Maybe I can get a pair in blue for the boy.
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I’m sorry, but it is a cute picture.
(I think the ghost is just dust mixed with flash. I investigated that after I looked at a picture and was sure my house was haunted).
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thank you for the laugh, I needed that. Especially the iParenting comment….thanks….
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I suppose I could rub it in by proudly posting my picture of my whole family sporting their COWBOYS sweatshirts today…
nah, that’s just beating a dead horse.
Hope you get some sleep tonight!
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I reckon, you are allowed to yell in the middle of the night. I do.
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One word – Triaminic.
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What the hell?? I’m late to class almost everyday because mine won’t get out of bed, regardless of bedtime!!!
Surely there has to be a happy medium . . .
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Weekend movie recommendation:
Mommy Dearest
She knew how to handle shit like this. On with the harnesses!
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On the one hand, I’m impressed with his initiative. On the other hand, I would have heavily considered velcroing my kids to the ceiling if they did that with me.
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Gawd, they’re really cute little shits! Our boys did the same kind of thing more than a few times too. Wore my ass out, they did!
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Oh please. I call my granddaughter a little shit in hopes that she says “no, I not a ittew sit” in her mom’s hearing range.
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they are lucky they are alive…because mine, well, not so much….
(but i DO love the matching packers jerseys…EVEN if they lost…)
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Okay, I think that after reading this I maybe should give my kid a break: I’ve complained for going on 4 years now that her internal clock is set to wake up at 6:30, no matter what day of the week. Yeah, 6:30 doesn’t seem so bad anymore. (Bless your heart!)
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My daughter was so good about being quiet as a mouse when she got up early. After that very first time, when my head spun around and I screamed and yelled and she learned that mommy was definitely not a happy camper before a certain hour. Quick learner and smart kid, that one.
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I don’t mean to alarm you but I think that spot indicates a ghost or possibly UFO activity in the area. I saw the exact same thing on ‘Psychic Detectives.’
Sorry the Packers lost.
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Poor thing! They are damn cute though.
:heartbeat:
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People in the Sun: yeah, I think my lens needs to be cleaned or something.
Gudrun: I live to serve.
Blonde Chick: I’ve never understood how someone could be from a good wholesome place like IOWA and support the evil empire of football.
Nat: I don’t remember if I yelled so much as gave them the crazy calm mom is about to snap voice.
Yeah, I probably yelled too.
Heather: is that like vodka?
Honeybell: the upside is they NEVER oversleep. I guess.
NYCWD: is that the one with June Cleaver?
Rich: it’s hard to be impressed for more than the 2 second parental pride instinct moment at 3 in the morning. LOL
Geeky Tai-Tai: yeah, I fell asleep on the couch last night at like 8:30 watching Harry Potter. And somehow they stayed up for the whole movie.
Tug: I’m pretty sure my kids know that 50% of what comes out of mommy’s mouth is not to be repeated. Ever.
ali: ha! yes! come on over to the cool table!
Tense Teacher: I’m with you on that actually – that’s NORMALLY when they get up. Saturday and Sunday mean NOTHING to either of them.
annie: mine have no fear. I don’t know why, it’s surely not for lack of trying on my part.
Selma: I guess I’ll have to go with UFO. The house is less than a year old – if there’s someone dead in it I should probably start working on an alibi.
Kimberly: awww, you have to say that because you’re nice. LOL
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you are a good woman. i wouldn’t have been nearly so nice to them at that hour. hell, my dogs know better than to drink too much at night coz i ain’t getting up for anything short of the 2nd coming of christ.
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You should put those babyproof door handles on the inside of their bedroom doors so that they can’t escape
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You are a saint not to have killed them with a look… Well, paralysed them anyway… You deserve awards! Awards!!!
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hellohahanarf: if I told the story of today’s shopping… I doubt anyone would still be calling me a good woman.
I suck at parenting.
Beth: that’s brilliant!
Bec: accolades at the very least. he he he
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my mom always made sure to tell me that her greatest gift to me was the gift of bad example. so think of it as showing your little ones how not to parent.
meanwhile, i don’t even believe for a moment that you are not a good parent. taking kids shopping for anything between thanksgiving and chrismas should qualify you for hazardous duty pay. don’t be too rough on yourself.
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Kids suck! I don’t even really know why we have them anyway… 4 A.M.?!?!?!?!?! Sheesh! Your kids can NEVER talk to my kid… EVER… That kinda information can happily stay in the Britt House… Thanks…
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This is why I am getting a uterine ablasion (I think that’s what they call it). I am too old and don’t have the energy anymore for kids. So it’s time to burn out the uterus so I don’t have to use condoms like I am a fricken’ teenager anymore…
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hello: how the hell did my response show up before your comment??
Dutch: no, no, I think this is a message that needs to be SHARRRRED!
The Absurdist: I’m sorry WHAT?!? You can DO that?!?! Voluntarily?!?!
Sign. me. up.
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Oh HELL yeah. It’s less invasive than a tubal ligation, it doesn’t change any hormones, and you don’t have any periods anymore. They basically just burn out the inside of your uterus. Only takes a few minutes.
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I am so bummed the Packers lost, but I love the kids in their shirts. My kids get up early still (at least the 7 yr.old. and the 13 yr.old do), but if they bother me THEY. ARE. DEAD. And they know this. So they play video games until I get up and leave me the hell alone.
J.
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And incidentally, your daughter is WAY TOO cute to be mad at her for long. How can you possibly say no to that doll for anything?
J.
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The Absurdist: I think it’s time to start shopping for a FLA OB/GYN.
HoosierGirl: you think she’s cute because you can’t HEAR HER.
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Of course the little shits have to be cute–keeps you from killing them
It is funny though
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Brilliant!
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