PART ONE:
Contrary to recent evidence and now popular belief, I can cook.
In fact, I can cook quite well. I can make apple pie (which is completely different than apple crisp) and delicious cheesecake - from scratch. I can make homemade pasta - and not just the thick doughy egg noodles that work so well for beef stroganoff. I can make spaghetti and linguine - from scratch.
And yet this is what I’ve been asked to bring to Thanksgiving:
- boxed wine
- orange soda
- folding chairs
I shit you not. I’m expecting a request for a pack of Reds and a bottle of Colt-45 any minute.
PART TWO:
Last year at about this time I earned a fucking incentive from my old job - a digital video camera. I asked for it specifically so that I can edit videos of the kids, etc.
Unfortunately, the camera that was actually purchased and given to me is a miniDV what-the-fuck-ever. Meaning - the memory card is only good for still pictures. I need a “firewire” - and a “firewire port” or some shit for my computer. I have no clue what they are, where to get them, how much they are, if they will work, blah blah break down into tears blah.
Which totally ruins all of my Christmas gift ideas for our parents and grandparents.
Fucking A.
I give up.
I’ll be in the corner with my orange pop and a smoke.
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I have a firewire port on one of my computers. I’ll help.
Now let’s go dumpster diving so that we can find a good centerpiece for turkey day.
November 20th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Hahaha, that first part just made me laugh so loudly. We always joke about the Colt 45 and the lawn chairs…
November 21st, 2007 at 12:46 am
My sister-in-law is bringing cranberries to my Thanksgiving dinner, even though I told my mother-in-law that I was already making them. And then my MIL says she will bring “extra dressing” which means she doesn’t want to be poisoned by my stuffing that comes out of the bird. And I’ve endured this same crap for 25 years. Sainthood, anyone??
I’m NO help with your fire-thingy. Glad someone else knows what the hell you’re talking about.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:08 am
Just say NOOOOO to “box wine” Buy “Yellowtail” Chardonay or Shiraz or merlot–or all three folks will LOVE it–it’s erm–inexpensive and won’t give you a headache (unless you drink it all yourself sugar;-))
If buying only one kind–do the (oh hell forgot it’s Florida) um—one Chardonay one Merlot—it’s okay wine–
November 21st, 2007 at 2:19 am
[...] Original post by Miss Britt [...]
November 21st, 2007 at 4:10 am
I was asked to bring the bread LOL
November 21st, 2007 at 7:17 am
Yeah, every year my husbands family asks us to bring cokes. He always insists on bringing some extra side dish (we are both very good cooks) and we always bring it home almost untouched.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:34 am
Dude, I just bring Krispy Kreme wherever I go. I can’t cook though.
Yesterday we had a Thanksgiving thing at work. About 80% of my company is Indian. I love Indian food, and I know that they cut the spiciness down for us total loser Americans, but it was SOOO hot!
Thank god most of the ladies who work in HR, Accounting and as Administrators can cook. If anyone were to rely on me, they would be eating peanut butter out of a jar. Even my assistant is all worried about me, and she wants to make me casseroles so I have something to eat when I get home at night.
I think you ought to take the Colt45 anyway. Take a big ol’ cooler of it, a carton of reds, and wear a trailer trash tank top. Have hubby wear a wife-beater, and make sure his underwear shows through at least four holes in his pants/shorts. Make sure too that your toenails are totally nasty and wear open-toe shoes. Better yet, dress like a Puerto Rican hooker. I have a couple of outfits that I call my “Puerto Rican Hooker Look”.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:44 am
Hey, folding chairs are important. Everyone always knows that only the most responsible person is asked to bring the folding chairs. Otherwise, people just end up sitting on the floor. And what does that mean? Anarchy!
November 21st, 2007 at 7:50 am
Are you the youngest (besides the kids) at this Thanksgiving? Could be that that is the issue. Ty and I always get asked to bring the beverages and disposable plates/flatware. Some years, it’s a relief and, I agree with you, other years it’s insulting. We are the youngest in the family and I think it’s the whole, “They’re just kids” mentality, that we can’t cook or handle anything important. Weird.
November 21st, 2007 at 8:20 am
Britt - quit posting about your kitchen mishaps and then maybe they will let you cook something. But box wine? Blech. I am teling you to go get Folie a Deux’s Menage et Trois RED. Not the white, the red. EVERYONE loves it. Very good wine for a very small price. Great buy.
And have a great Turey Day.
November 21st, 2007 at 8:21 am
I know exactly what you mean! I was a restaurant chef and manager for YEARS and then operated my own catering business for 5 years (until I realized people suck and they could cook for their damn selves). What was I asked to bring to Thanksgiving? Mashed potatoes “Make them plain, please” WTF, I should buy a tub of Bob Evans potatoes and be done with it.
November 21st, 2007 at 9:28 am
To Fab - I sit on the floor whenever I can. Makes it a lot less likely to fall down. It’s also in keeping with my carefully cultivated hippie persona.
I went to Miss Britt’s house last year for Thanksgiving and it was beautiful with awesome food. Britter, I posted photos for you.
November 21st, 2007 at 9:29 am
WHOA! Stop the presses!
Re: your mom’s comment.
Can I call you “Britter” now?
November 21st, 2007 at 9:48 am
Just make a side dish to wow them with! I’m having over 20 people over tomorrow, so I need to get my fanny in gear!
Happy Thanksgiving!
November 21st, 2007 at 9:58 am
People also limit me to bringing things like paper goods and liters of soda. But that’s because I truly can’t cook. And don’t wanna, either. Hate it, hate it, hate it. How I envy Oprah and her personal chef.
November 21st, 2007 at 10:14 am
Actually, mini DV is my favorite format… it’s terrific quality video, and you can get quite a lot of video on each tape. But, then again, FireWire is built into all Macs, so it’s easy to love.
Hey, they could have given you Betamax!
November 21st, 2007 at 10:22 am
This is the first holiday where I actually broke down and requested people bring things. I was informed by a little old lady to do that to make people feel needed or some shit. BUT to tell you the truth, it really has taken some of the stress off…. At least you don’t have to make guac or apple crisp. LOL Bringing booze is just about the most important job!!!!
November 21st, 2007 at 10:24 am
Uh you say you can cook but you never did say how your son lost that tooth… a spoon full of mashed potatoes per chance?
I always volunteer to bring the soda. I can cook a little but by nature I am a lazy bastid.
Oh by the way, if your family is 1,000 miles away and you are in Florida… who is it that doesn’t trust your cooking but likes your folding chairs?
November 21st, 2007 at 11:52 am
avitable: excellent idea!
Hilly: my lawn chairs don’t fold, or I suspect I’d be bringing those as well.
Bonnie B.: at home I got to bring stuff - I make awesome green bean casserole!
Turnbaby: I am following hostess orders! (Plus, I know shit about wine except it’s sweeeet in the box!)
Mel: ooooh, I should have offered to bring the world’s greatest crescent rolls!! So good!!
Ms. Understood: my husband loves it when my food doesn’t get eaten at a potluck - he is a leftover freak.
The Absurdist: I do have a lot of tank tops…
Mr. Fabulous: she just called and told me she doesn’t need me to bring folding chairs.
Hand to God.
Heather: actually, I am - which is weird because back home I am the oldest and/or most responsible child-adult at all of our family functions.
ADW: but the mishaps are funny! If y’all wanted GOOD food posts you’d watch Rachel Ray. Right??
Cary: add garlic. Just to spite them.
Mom: thanks for the pictures - they were awesome and much needed balm for the soul.
Mr. Fab: have you known me since birth? Either yours or mine?
Then, no.
Victoria: wow! Have fun with that!
The Mom Bomb: i love cooking FUN stuff. Dinner? Not so much.
Dave2: send me instructions and I might be woo’ed to the miniDV side…
themuttprincess: that’s true. Everyone knows the Indians and Pilgrims would have killed each other (sooner) if it hadn’t been for the booze.
Y2K: my friend and fellow transplant, D.
November 21st, 2007 at 12:09 pm
:lmfao: Just look at it as having to bring the easy stuff and enjoy everything else.
You know… you could have just flown here for Thanksgiving and been all jet-set-y and shit. Then I’d have your ass in the kitchen making pasta for tomorrow.
Oh… and there would be unboxed booze… lots of it.
But noooooooooo, it’s more important to see YOUR family at Christmas. Pfft. :tongue:
November 21st, 2007 at 12:17 pm
What if I were to obtain a special dispensation from your mom, waiving the “since birth” rule?
Any leeway there?
November 21st, 2007 at 12:17 pm
You know, not just anybody can prepare a Folding Chair. Bossy thinks this is a real compliment.
November 21st, 2007 at 12:40 pm
i can’t cook. not at all. and after the great coleslaw fiasco of 2003 i was forever put on dessert duty. simply because my family loves ice cream and knows i won’t bake anything. so i go crazy and by a dozen different pints of brusters or ben & jerry’s to bring to a party for 10. plus at least 2 boxes of dove bars. and a box of those good humor ice cream cones with the chocolate sauce covered in nuts. mmmm…i’m getting hungry.
speaking of wine, for a cheap bottle of chardonnay i love little penguin. good stuff.
hope your thanksgiving is spectacular. enjoy letting someone else do all the cooking. every once in a while you deserve to be spoiled, ya know…
November 21st, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I love how somehow I come off looking like a total douchebag, when my intent was to make your first Turkey Day away from family all about you guys just being able to come on over, enjoy the environment and not have to be too worky about anything.
Instead, it looks like I am intentionally making you guys out to be absolutely incapable rednecks.
Uhm…can you please bring a bag of ice and some cool whip in addition to the orange soda? And maybe a carton of reds and some MD 20/20 instead of that fancy schmancy boxed wine?
November 21st, 2007 at 3:18 pm
AmyD: if I came to see you, would there be presents?
Mr. Fab: my mother has no power here!
BOSSY: that’s true. And mine DO have cushions…
hellohahanarf: all kidding aside, I know it will be wonderful. Even with a bunch of Canadians.
DeannaBanana: now see, and here I thought I was the one coming off as a douchebag.
Tomorrow’s post you come off AWESOME :-)
November 21st, 2007 at 3:23 pm
DeannaBanana. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions.
I alway complain about my mom-in-law asking us to provide the beverages, but I’m always secretly relieved.
Mad Dog. Please. What about some Jagermeister?
November 21st, 2007 at 3:24 pm
I am a good baker - cakes, desserts, breads and so on - but I said at a family gathering about ten years ago how much I hated cooking and am now always delegated to bringing extra chairs, soft drinks, snack foods and so on. I have been banished to food purgatory because of that comment, so your post made me laugh and laugh.
By the way, I wanted to say how much I enjoy your photoshopping. You are the Photoshop Queen. Love the circled items and labels! Keep ‘em coming!
November 21st, 2007 at 6:21 pm
Your Mom is awesome
Hell, I bring stuff even if they don’t want it
November 21st, 2007 at 7:17 pm
So, if you bring a box of wine, what are the other people going to drink? Ha-ha-ha!
Most newer computers should have the port, mines right on the front. You just plug that puppy into the computer, then turn the video camera switch to “on” and it sucks your video into the computer. I make little movies with Windows Movie Maker. It should be in your “Program Files” it says “Movie Maker”. It’s super EASY to use.
November 21st, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Swooosh…right over my head. The only port I am aware of is the kind you drink slowly after dinner.
Pass the box here Brittski!
November 21st, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Seriously–Yellowtail beats ANY boxed fruit juice enhanced “wine” I know I have this argument with the DH–Um–well I used to–his headaches went away after I got him to understand what crap ‘boxed wine’ is
November 21st, 2007 at 11:01 pm
Heather: oh God, jager… blech blech blech, just the sound of it… :yuck:
Selma: thank you, thank you - it is comments like these that keep the Photoshopping dream alive!
gramps: she is pretty awesome.
annie: OK now I’m searching my laptop. It’s less than a year old! My husband says he doesn’t THINK he has it, but I might be able to install it pretty easily.
Thanks. ;-)
Wicked H: oh you know you’re classier than I am! LOL
Turnbaby: ssshhhh… I bought two bottles of yellowtail last night ;-)
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:17 am
[...] 6. Apparently, Britt really can cook. She was degraded into bringing the orange pop for the kiddies (I assume and hope). Poor baby. [...]
November 25th, 2007 at 9:27 am