Dear Potential Recipients of Gifts From Miss Britt Who Are Not My Children Or My Parents,
Clearly, you are confused.
You see, when I say “what do you want for Christmas?” or “do you have any gift ideas?” - I don’t actually want to know what about your heart’s one desire. This is Christmas, not The Make A Wish Foundation.
In other words, when I say “what would you like for Christmas?” what I need you to hear is “what $20 trinket have you not had the chance to pick up from Wal-Mart yourself yet?”. Or, possibly, “what size should I get this year’s fleece hoodie in? Do you have a new favorite color?”
Clearly “an iPod” is not a proper response to either of these questions. Nor is “we need to remodel our bathroom”. What the fuck?
Doesn’t everybody know this stuff?
When you ask me what I want for Christmas, do you honestly believe that “oh, I don’t need anything, really.”? Of course I need stuff! Hell - I want stuff! In fact, if we’re being honest here, I would very much like an iPhone. And also a GPS unit for my car. Oh! Oh! And I too need a new iPod! And I never have any cute shoes to wear when I wear pink - I hear Prada does pink well. Oh, and a Pool! And… umm… hmmmm well there’s the new digital camera, a wet bar in the great room, and a boob job. There you go, that should give you plenty of ideas to choose from. *muah!*
No. Everyone knows that “oh, I don’t need anything, really” is Christmas speak for “nothing I want is within a reasonable Christmas gift budget. I spend the year trying to block out the fact that I can’t buy the things I really want by purchasing gobs and gobs of “little things” every time I walk into a Wal-Mart or a Target. Therefore, there is not a god damn Under $20 Gift Idea Item left that I have not previously used to make myself feel pretty.
But thanks.”
Ahem.
Now, let’s try this again.
Me: “Do you have any ideas for Christmas this year?”
You: “orange is the new black, and Old Navy’s having a sale.”
And everyone wins.
XOXOX,
Miss Britt
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You want a boob job for Christmas?
Well, I can’t do that, but I can smack them around on a daily basis until they swell up and look bigger.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:23 am
I’m going to take your advice. I want to be a Christmas winner not a Christmas re-gifter. Did you know that in Australia this year they’re encouraging the Santas in stores not to say:’Ho. Ho. Ho’ as it may be offensive to some people. They want them to say ‘Ha. Ha. Ha.’ instead. It’s crazy!
November 29th, 2007 at 7:29 am
Okay, the ‘Ha Ha Ha’ Santa thing is the funniest thing ever.
Bitch, what does it mean that you haven’t so much as ASKED me what I want?
November 29th, 2007 at 8:12 am
First of all, for the Aussies:
Ho muthafuckin ho ho!!
Second, someone really told you that they needed to remodel their bathroom? Do they know that those jokes aren’t funny and the punchline may turn out to be a stilletto through their ear?
Just asking.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:13 am
FINALLY!!!
Someone other than myself has acknowledged that orange is the new black… and the new blue… and the new pink… etc…
November 29th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Just get them nothing and they’ll stop bothering you about it.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:54 am
Please tell me orange is not really the new black.
Amd ha ha ha?
*sigh*
Communists!!
November 29th, 2007 at 9:13 am
May I reprint this post and email it to EVERY ASSHOLE I KNOW??? Family and kids included!!!
You are a writer-drop by and see why.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:13 am
And now I just have the song ‘I Want A Boob Job for Christmas’ racing through my head. :whistle:
November 29th, 2007 at 10:12 am
:lmfao:
On the people who need a bathroom remodel? Why not get them a $20 gift certificate to Home Depot?
You know, along with some paint chips and tile samples in YOUR favorite colors. LOL
And, on the Santa Claus thing? WTF is the world coming to?
Seriously, if you are offended by Santa yelling HO HO HO - then look down at your feet and keep walking like the rest of us normal people do when we are ashamed or embarrassed. Damn!
November 29th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Okay, I guess when I said I wanted my bedroom redecorated I offended you. So, please just pick out some paint chips and mail them to me. :lmfao:
November 29th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
avitable: is that why men always insist on playing rough with boobies? They think that will make them grow?? :confused:
Selma: in the US we are encouraging our Santas to be politically correct as well as modern. The US Mr. Claus can now be heard chuckling “L-O-L”.
DeannaBanana: it means that you told me that you buy for Will and only Will. Duh.
ADW: you’d think by now… alas, no. Some people are slow learners.
NYCWD: that was all for you.
Poppy: oh now that’s just scroogey!
Mom: I don’t think Aussies are technically communists mom. That’s Canada you’re thinking of.
metalmom: I actually saw that earlier - thank you.
Bec: I think that play that on loop in the malls here in Boob Job Land FLA.
AmyD:
NotaGranny: not at all! (Now, please send me my GPS unit!)
November 29th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
ok, orange is SO not the new black. just coz you moved to florida and there are oranges everywhere doesn’t mean the rest of us are buying that crap.
and screw ha ha fuckin ha. santa has always hollered ho ho ho, no matter what bitches don’t like it. is nothing sacred anymore?
hey avi, if you want to keep your teeth for christmas, i highly recommend that you don’t hit a woman in her boobies. especially if she is pms-ing and they are sensitive. coz then? yeah, you are dead. t
November 29th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Pink is the new black, darling. Please check with me before issuing these platitudes.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
I just got a new iPod. *ducks* :whistle:
November 29th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
There are a few too many things on your list that other people in your house (such as the husband) can use. If I were you I’d add some “me-only items” to the list: DSW shoe store gift card ($5K should be a good starting amount: pink shoes galore), airfare to New York so Nick Arrojo (What Not to Wear) can color and style your hair at regular intervals (he is GOD!),a personal chef, a housekeeper, laundry service, and a masseuse to get the kinks out from working so hard every day.
After all, if people ask what you really want, I say, tell them.
PS: If RW should ask you what I want for Christmas, feel free to share this list.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:01 pm
hellohahanarf: if I’m buying you a gift, it is!
Mr. Fab: you want your hooded fleece in pink then? Got it.
Tense Teacher: but did you get it as a Christmas gift from anyone OTHER than your husband or parents? Hmmmm? Did you??
(and if so, how can I get on their gift list, please?)
Mrs RW: oh I love me some Nick. I wonder what an appointment like that would cost?
November 30th, 2007 at 9:27 am
An appt. with Nick is totally my number one gift wish as well. Maybe we could get a group discount??
November 30th, 2007 at 9:42 am
And if it’s a bargain, it’s totally not splurging!!!
November 30th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Oh, dear. I’m guilty of asking for the unattainable when I can’t think of anything else. I’ve always wanted a first edition copy of Frank Herbert’s sci-fi masterpiece Dune. Yeah, fucker costs $6,650.00.
I’ll take my humble pie with a pinch of nutmeg, please. Oh, and a fleece hoodie in purple. Heh.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Nutmeg and splenda! Coming right up!
November 30th, 2007 at 10:28 am
I want the DVD of “Clerks II”. Mine has gone missing in the shuffle. Feel free to send me anything you want. If you are buysing presents for all your friends, you must be loaded! So send me my DVD, bitch!
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:18 am
Oh, and I am still blaming the nails for my spelling errors…
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:18 am
Now see that would be a totally reasonable request!
Actually, this year is the first year we DON’T have a ton of friends to buy for. How strange is that?
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:56 am
Cool! Email me and I will send you my address!
:-)
Just kidding. I would never expect you to send me anything…Except maybe a lock of your hair that I can add to my shrine of you on the wall of my bedroom that I stare at for hours every day.
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:59 am