Sometimes I like to be funny.
But sometimes, as in recent posts, there is serious business that needs to be discussed.
Today I bring you the most desperate issue to date. An issue that must be addressed. An issue that you can do something about.
Brace yourselves… steady your stomachs… and feast your eyes on this:
Do you see it? Look closely…
That, my good friends, is stupidity and insanity in a bottle. And also? Physical evidence of the pussification of America - Nay! of HUMANITY!
Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Light. Fucking. Mayonnaise.
And this wasn’t a passive-aggressive slap in the face from the disgruntled McDonald’s worker who insists on giving me Light Mayo when I ask for Mayonnaise to dip my DEEP FAT FRIED french fries into. Oh no. This was PURCHASED in a STORE, by a PERSON - of their own volition.
Light. Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise is grease and fat in creamy liquid form. Mostly fat - but just enough grease to make it delicious. If you are slathering your food with MAYO (or, say, using it as a dipping condiment for your deep fat fried potatoes), you have probably gone beyond the point where “light” is going to do you a damn bit of good. Use mustard. Mayo is for people who care more about the 3 seconds of heaven they are going to get out of that next bite than they do about next year’s swimsuit season.
Light mayo is an insult to gluttonous foodies everywhere.
But it plays like a hand delivered invitation to The Big Night Out compared to the insult that is this shit:
Fabio and his I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter have long been a source of disgust for me. But, whatever. You kind of want butter and you really hate cellulite - I can relate. I mean, except, that I really love butter, even more than I kind of would like to some day have sex with the lights on again.
But this is just insane! I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter has sunk to a new low with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Even I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. What exactly is it?
It’s communism, I tell you. Communism and sexism and fattism. And maybe racism, if you think about it hard enough.*
*(That was a joke, please don’t send me hate mail.)
If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
RSS Subscribe
You cannot taste the difference. If we did a blind taste test, you would have no clue!
November 27th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Is that Avitable’s refrigerator?
November 28th, 2007 at 12:30 am
Adam, you are just WRONG. There is definitely a difference. Butter is butter. Mayonnaise is NOT light anything. I’m with Britt on this one. If heaven doesn’t have butter I’m not going.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:34 am
I use “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter- Light” too. I honestly cannot tell the difference between that and real butter.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:41 am
Papa John’s pizza used to have garlic sauce with “Artificial Margarine Flavor” listed as one of the ingredients.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:20 am
You didn’t even pull out the Splenda on the bottom shelf…
November 28th, 2007 at 1:41 am
The main problem I can see is too much food, not enough alcohol…
November 28th, 2007 at 2:42 am
With the exception of the actual food… it looks like my fridge.
Mayo, margarine, and Buzz Cola… the true breakfast of champions and Simpsons fans alike.
November 28th, 2007 at 4:31 am
Butter is one of the core keys to a happy life. You might as well eat sawdust if you’re gonna sub out butter. There are a gazillion other ways to get healthy than to cut out the good stuff.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:24 am
avitable: well, since I’m never going to close my eyes and open my mouth in your presence - we’ll never know.
Amanda: yes!
Mrs RW: thank you, exactly!
Angel: I bet it’s just been too long. Go get you some reeeaaaaal butter and I bet you’ll remember. That has to be it.
Sevesteen: fake fake flavor? MMmmmm, good!
Sheila: as a carb addict, I’m totally OK with Splenda!
Dee: I think there’s already more booze than food in there!
NYCWD: but is it LIGHT mayo?
Rich: right! exactly!! yes, yes, yes!
November 28th, 2007 at 6:59 am
I think communist insists on real butter, the fake-light butter is a sign of capitalist excess (or something.)
November 28th, 2007 at 7:54 am
There is nothing wrong with Hellman’s Light Mayo. Avi is right, you can’t tell the difference. That’s what we use.
Now, No Fat Mayo–THAT’S icky,
November 28th, 2007 at 8:35 am
i just can’t get over how some people say they cannot taste the difference in fake butter or not “real” mayo. (or how they can eat miracle whip, but that is another post, i’m sure) there is a DRASTIC difference in flavor between butter and margarine. hell, even the consistency ain’t right.
i love ketel one vodka. went to the best friend’s house and she made me a vodka tonic, just how i like it (lots of ketel one, splash of tonic, both lemon and lime squeezed into the beverage, then tossed into the garbage can so as to not take up space in my glass). but i couldn’t stomach the drink. tasted terrible. for a moment i thought something was wrong with me. i could barely take a sip. best friend and her hubby notice that i am not drinking and ask if i feel alright. finally i break down and tell them the drink tastes terrible and i just can’t consume it. she says, “i was hoping you wouldn’t notice that all we had was diet tonic water. i’m so sorry.” who the hell buys diet tonic water. yuck! (don’t worry about me, though. i went to straight ketel with an olive or twenty and felt just fine for the rest of the evening.)
November 28th, 2007 at 9:25 am
You know what? I got nothin’. I do use real butter but I do also partake of the light mayo.
Please, I’m ready for my caning, Miss Britt.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:16 am
i’ve been eating icbinb light for so long now that real butter tastes like fat and salt to me. please don’t hate me, but i love light mayonnaise too. okay really, i hate mayonnaise mostly but eat the light. but i get a pass right? yanno, cause i am fat and am trying to diet, right? right? right?
winky cunt!
November 28th, 2007 at 10:42 am
May your cholesterol never rise, your blood pressure never fall, your heart never attack.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:56 am
My brother in law calls that:
“I can’t believe this shits supposed to taste like butter.”
November 28th, 2007 at 11:06 am
I dont care what you people say I CAN tell a difference in the mayo and the butter! Maybe my palate is more sohisticated haha
November 28th, 2007 at 11:36 am
:lmfao: OMG. I am sooo picky about my mayo and light mayo is usual much sweeter than normal mayo. And, don’t get me started on butter. Eeeeek!! We only have real butter and olive oil around here.
November 28th, 2007 at 11:43 am
I actually like the light mayo. It tastes the same and has less calories. But I’ve recently switched to canola mayo because… maybe because it doesn’t say “light,” but still has half the fat?
And I use Smart Balance. It doesn’t pretend to be anything but what it is, it tastes good and it can help lower my cholesterol. I loves me some butter, but compromises must be made if I want my ass to fit in my new Mini.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Nat: you may have a point there.
Mr. Fabulous: clearly your virus is seeping into your brain.
hellohahanarf: some things should just be Full Flavored Right, or Nothing At All.
CMG: :whip:
Hilly: yes, real butter tastes like fat and salt - that’s the point!!
Rick: um… bless you?
Fogspinner: he is clearly a wise soul.
Mel: in that you obviously have TASTE BUDS!!!
AmyD: you’re picky about butter and mayo? Excuse me while I put on my surprised face.
:what:
Finn: I can get behind the idea of Smart Balance - like you said, it’s not a big fat fraud wannabe poser!!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Wow, you put a lot of thought and emotion into that! Makes me wanna spank you.
Guilty. I use BOTH of those products.
Does that make me a Communist? Meh. I don’t mind.
Oh, and sometimes I even buy the Extra Light. So eat that.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
That is just wrong on so many levels.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
November 28th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Ohhh, I dip my fries in Mayo too!!! And Gravy, Ranch Dressing and Cheese Sauce.
You CAN taste the difference.
I’m that girl that pulls up to McD’s and orders a double quarter pounder w/extra cheese, large fry, hot mustard sauce, ketchup and mayo for dipping with a diet coke.
Mmmmm, lunch time.
November 28th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
People who don’t like Miracle Whip are made out of cardboard.
November 28th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
I totally use both of those products.
You REALLY cannot tell the difference.
November 28th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
“‘avitable Says:
You cannot taste the difference. If we did a blind taste test, you would have no clue!”"
Fabby gets a pass cause he is sick but you CAN tell the difference.
I only use real food—real mayo and I LOVE it that you dip your fries in it too!!—real butter—real sugar—real olive oil—real bread.
Folks started getting really fat when they came out with sugar free fat free foods.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
Miracle Whip lite. Country Crock spreadable butter lite.
I also drink Dt. Coke with pizza & burgers.
November 28th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Recent scientific studies revealed that there are two types of people. Tasters and non-tasters. Tasters have more sensors on their tongue and in their nose than non-tasters.
Tasters will obviously prefer things that have flavor.
Non-tasters will put any old crap in their mouth, like light Mayo and It’s almost like I can’t believe it’s butter.
Have pity for them, not scorn
November 28th, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Fact-Diet soda and soft drinks cause the body to crave MORE sugar.You are better off drinking the sugar and just having less. I for one can taste the difference in every single bite of ‘not’ mayo and butter. I hate FAKE food!! :yuck:
November 28th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
If the lights are on when I’m having sex does that mean I can keep eating real butter?
November 28th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
What do you mean that you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference Avi? The creepy gummy mouthfeel alone would be a dead giveaway…
Besides… you gotta die of something….
November 29th, 2007 at 12:03 am
I cannot possibly be the only person in this country that thinks it’s wrong … just WRONG to put mayo on everything. I can’t be. Fer crissakes, I went to Burgerville t’other day and ordered hot dogs and they put mayo on them. Now I have to ask for “No mayo” on my damned hot dogs?! THIS is why our country is doomed, I tell ya. Everyone else making my decisions for me. Pssht.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:45 am
sam: I have become very good at appearing to think very hard about pretty much nothing at all. Crabby.
themuttprincess: me, or the fake butter?
Amy: he he hehe
Victoria: me too - I prefer Diet Coke to regular, but I think because that’s all I’ve ever had. That or water.
RW: I’m not following your logic there, sir.
Peggy: *lalalalala I am not listening to dissenting opinions from crazy food commies!!! lalalalalalla*
Turnbaby: well for me, light/fat-free stuff is even worse because they have to add sugar and shit in it to make up for the fat they took out - and sugar is what my body can’t handle.
Tug: if you bring over Diet Coke, I suppose you can have a pass.
Al Warren: but I look so much cuter in my scorn face than my pity face! :-(
metalmom: I’m just drinking water from now on. Sheesh!
ginamonster: Yes. Absolutely. It also means you can KISS MY ASS. (i say that with the utmost love and respect)
Maman: true’dat
Michelle: mayo is the new ranch - this too shall pass.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:49 am
I knew Adam was a liar about having no food in his fridge. I feel betrayed.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:56 am
PS - Too lazy to read all the comments. Is that *Splenda* in the back? Who refrigerates their pure sugar substitute product?! WHO?
November 29th, 2007 at 8:57 am
Technically, I don’t think there’s actually any FOOD in there. Oh - wait - there’s bread! LOL
(and I think the refrigerating Splenda thing is a Florida thing because of humidity. I THINK - we keep ours in the cupboard like normal northerners.)
November 29th, 2007 at 9:02 am
Soooo, not because Adam’s an ice queen so needs all that he consumes to be icy cold?
(Just checking.)
November 29th, 2007 at 9:03 am
Oh, well, I suppose it could be that.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:33 am
Actually, Britt, I think I have decided for my own ego that the lights need to be OFF. Then my cellulite doesn’t show. or my spider veins. or my little pooch belly that simply won’t go away no matter how many times a week I go to the gym.
However I try not to think of those things because um, well, I’m busy being thankful for the lovin.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:46 am
You are clearly a better woman than me. LOL
November 30th, 2007 at 9:59 am
LOL. hardly. I frequently envy your permenance. Not in an “I want her life” kind of way, but more in a “perhaps I can achieve something similar” manner.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Are you sure? Really? Because seriously, if you decide to go the “I want her life” route… we might be able to work out some kind of deal.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:39 am
the grass, my dear, is always greener. I like my life, most of the time. I just miss the settled in part a lot of the time. I can change that though.
November 30th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
I’m with you. Eat REAL mayo you muthafuckers. and I use REAL butter. That’s right. I said it. REAL MAYO AND REAL BUTTER. Yea. That’s right. Bring it on bitches.
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:22 am
gina: I know, I know.
Absurdist: he he he, you’re curAZY on the weekends!
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:57 am