It seems Hell has come to Orlando.
Or at least, that was my first thought when I started hearing all the “buzz” about a new IKEA opening up.
I hate IKEA. Hate. Loathe. The mere mention of the place causes me to wrinkle my brow and desperately try to hold back the bile that rises up in the back of my throat.
I will offer this brief explanation of my hatred of that place and then that is it. End of discussion. I refuse to entertain any dissenting opinions on the subject.
My hatred for IKEA has nothing to do with any disdain for cheaply made Oh My Gawd We Are Sooo Trendy and Contemporary yuppie furniture.
I hate IKEA because it sullies everything that is good and pure about shopping. I shop because it makes me feel better about myself. shopping reminds me that I am pretty and smart and everyone loves me. When I shop, I know that I am the master of my domain and in control of my own destiny.
At least, that’s what shopping is supposed to be.
The one and only time I walked into an IKEA there were instructions posted by the front door. I giggled a little at what I assumed must be some cute little marketing ploy. And then I learned that there were instructions for a reason, because IKEA is the brainchild of Satan.
For those of you who have never been, you have to take a little menu card or some shit into the store with you. You are then forced to wander through a maze, marking down things you have an interest in on your little menu card. If you dare to stray from the Predetermined shopping Path you will find yourself hopelessly lost. And trapped. There is only one way out of an IKEA and it is along the marked path.
When you get to the end of the maze, you can then go retrieve the items on your menu card, either from a “bin” (shudder), or from an associate if the item is too large for a “bin” (shudder).
I left IKEA drooling and shaking and feeling like a retard.
shopping is not supposed to make you feel retarded.
Thus ends my brief explanation for why IKEA is a horrible, horrible place.
ANYway, apparently Satan is targeting old people and tourists now and the newest IKEA is opening here today.
I know this because they have been running radio ads constantly.
For weeks I have been hearing:
“Blah blah blah HELL IS COMING blah blah SATAN blah blah SALE blah blah blah.”
Then, the other day, I heard something different…
“Blah blah blah HELL blah blah HATE YOURSELF blah blah blah FAT blah blah blah SATAN blah blah blah FREE CHILD CARE WHILE YOU SHOP.”
Excuse me? What was that, Lord of Darkness?
Oh yeah, you heard that right. IKEA offers free child care while you shop. Apparently, you can “drop off the little angels (ohhhh the irony) while you enjoy your shopping experience.”
Now, I’m pretty sure this is merely an attempt to get my “little angels” alone and defenseless so that their souls can be sucked out through their nostrils and stored in a bin discreetly marked “A109B76 – Souls”.
But I’m wondering how loose I can be with the interpretation of “while you enjoy your shopping“. Do they mark you with an ankle bracelet or something in order to ensure that you don’t leave the store? I mean sure, leaving the store with your children inside is probably frowned upon, but how far do you think they are willing to go to ensure that they are only supervising for IKEA customers? Because, if there’s no actual security…
There are plenty of non-demonic stores relatively close by the new IKEA. Do you think it would be wrong for me to drop my kids off in the Free Childcare Holding Pen while I “enjoy my shopping” some place else?
Not that I need you to tell me whether that’s right or wrong. I mean, clearly.
What I really need to know is – would that be considered actually illegal?
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Posted in Dignity Is Overrated - Funny and Embarrassing Stories
I hate Ikea. It makes me feel dirty. Everything is so cheap and strange and you have to like use tools and glue and stuff to make it work. I don’t understand that AT ALL.
BUT, the childcare would be a nice thing…you could always run away upstairs to the cafe, have a nice long lunch and then run back and get the…mini-human things.
But I’m still not sure even if I had kids if that would be enough draw to make me walk into an Ikea. Eww…. :yuck: :what: :yuck:
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Good question! Try it out. It would make an interesting story either way.
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I went to the IKEA store here once and felt like a stoopid person because I couldn’t figure out the rules. Even though childcare is offered here too, there were little
demons running around being loud and pestery. I will not go back. They send a catalog every now and then, and I go through it. I like the storage stuff.
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I’ve always liked looking at their stuff. Then I found out that you have to assemble everything yourself. Blech.
I don’t have one here but where I lived outside of Philly had one. Some woman went into labor there and guess what she named her newborn daughter? You guessed it, IKEA!!! :crazy:
BTW, here by way of Fabio.
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The tinker toy furniture is actually packaged by the children dropped off into the pens when the parents aren’t looking.
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I think you should drop the kids off there and then go shop at a real store. I hate Ikea with every fiber of my being and will never go into another one of their stores again.
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So far no IKea in Hell, SC. Really if its run by Satan how can that be? I guess its part of their master plan!
I am here Via Fab, nice place
But just because I showed up dont show him the other nipple. He is hard enough to live with now.
Oh I say HELL yeah take advantage of that sitting service, but I have no scruples so what do I know?
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You know not of which you speak.
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Bossy, uh, Loves Ikea?
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You used the word sullied in a sentence. Correctly. I think I love you!
Plus, I feel the same way about IKEA. And the leaving the children thing? While it may not seem illegal, some idiot will end up making a big deal out of it and the next thing you know they’ll be talking about your parenting skills on Fox News. A few hours of peaceful, blissful shopping are not worth the shitstorm that will surely ensue. Trust me.
Thanks to Fab for pimping you today!
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That seems like an awful lot of work for ugly ass furniture.
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I hate IKEA because you HAVE to go through the entire store regardless of what you are going for. I do not need to look at cheaply made bedroom/kitchen fixtures if I am only going to look at the kitchen stuff–which is at the end.
I guess I should have taken into consideration the fact that they have a damn resturant in there. HELLO, why should I have to stop to have a meal while shopping at ONE store? That is just wrong. I understand the food court concept, but there are LOTS of stores in a mall. Sometimes a diet coke is in order.
I doubt it would be illegal if you used their childcare. Just frowned upon. So pfft on that.
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i have never ever been to one. it’s such a production; hordes of people grabbing at crappy stuff. no thanks!
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Not a fan. And, their online shopping is a fucking joke. And, you know how I feel about being able to shop online.
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Hmmmm–seems the internet is hungry today.
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Kentucky Girl: at least when you buy need-to-be-assembled furniture at Wal-Mart there’s no pretense of it being any kind of “chic”.
Brandi: and we all know my children come second to good blog fodder.
Geeky Tai-Tai: the only rule to shopping should be – How Low Can You Go?
Lola Magnolia: :wave: y’all come back now! Or maybe, we could meet at IKEA?
RW: well that’s just brilliant.
avitable: by “IKEA” I assume you mean “your house”
Mel: no nipples were promised. He’s crazy. And :wave: HI!
Turnbaby: :confused:
DeannaBanana: I do! I do! Now if I had said Costco, that would be different.
BOSSY:
Says: Bossy uh, Loves Ikea?I’m sorry, what?Finn: oooh, do you think I could get on Oprah though?
Honeybell: yes, yes it does.
themuttprincess: EXACTLY! I cannot be constrained by rules and mazes while shopping.
Crys: yeah, if I want that I’ll go to a bar. At least there they serve drinks.
AmyD: OMG, can they even be called a STORE then??
Turnbaby: I thought you just left it blank because you could find the Flippin’ The Bird smiley.
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I share in your hatred. Hatred grows. It multiplies. We will soon fill the world with hate. :clap:
IKEA sucks.
Hey, don’t ever show Fab the other nipple. Give him something to anticipate and squirm about for years to, uh, come.
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Visiting from Mr. Fab.
IKEA is like an evil adult Candyland game.
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I despise IKEA for exactly the same reason. I’ve been there once. Never again.
Also, their stuff is crap.
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Okay, who is this Mr. Fab we speak so highly of and why does he want to see your other nipple?
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Were we supposed to be speaking highly of Mr. Fab? Oops.
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One of my living room’s has an IKEA couch. My first time going was when we moved to Southern California and it was pretty much my (almost)last time going too. I wandered around and found the least heinous couch that I could, but ended up leaving the store without buying it because I felt like a total tard….when I asked how I was supposed to get the couch, they threw me attitude too.
So I ordered from IKEA online, only to have them never contact me to let me know that part of my sectional was out of stock. They just reversed my charges and I would have never known had I not been hawking the bank site. I should have given up then but I wanted that damned couch…I ventured back into IKEA, ordered the damned thing for home delivery and thought that would be that. The worst part was not having to put the shit together but rather the delivery man telling me I would have to pay 10 dollars for each flight of stairs he had to climb. OMFG!
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I hate Ikea too. What’s the point of buying furniture that takes you 5 days to put together? And the people who work there are the sons and daughters of the Stepford Wives, I’m sure of it, all perky and pleasant with their high-waisted pants and patent leather slip on shoes. Send all Ikea stores back to the underworld, I say!
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I think the word “premeditation” might come up in court. Especially if the judge is a fan of your blog. Or at that point, WAS a fan. heh
And I’m not unchecking the box because I don’t love you, ‘cuz I do, but my sad little email box is still reeling from all the responses to one of your blogs t’other day. ;-*
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I promised Mr. Fab, your pimp, that I would drop by, and here I am.
I enjoy IKEA. Not because it is a nice trendy place to shop, but because I like breaking the rules. Oncce you figure out THE PLAN, you can short circuit the paths, and quietly slip between a couple of beadsteads and magically appear in storage systems.
There at the left is a small cranny that will magically transport you to housewares. Salespeople are startled as you suddenly appear in stemware.
Spread chaos! Go in and violate the paths. It will make you feel better, as long as you don’t buy any of their cheap crap.
Here in Latteland, they offer free jazz on Tuesdays. Another way to insinuate themselves into the populace.
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You kind of have to pick and choose, because I’ve got some very nice minimalist IKEA pieces that I’ve never seen anywhere else. My DVD shelving is barely bigger than the DVDs they contain, and I love that. IKEA is also a fantastic place to get good-quality picture-frames at great prices.
That being said, they do have a lot of crap so, as I said, it’s pick and choose time.
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Uck, I hate IKEA and I’ve never even been, I just hear everyone talking about it as if it’s the only place to get furniture. My computer desks and my bookcase I had to assemble and I feel INFERIOR when I can’t afford furniture that comes ALREADY assembled. WTF?
Dang, before your post was finished, you wrote what I was thinking, they put the children in a neatly marked bin until you come pick them up.
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I too feel the same as you about IKEA. It is a horrible place!
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I must say I feel slightly less sad and lonely since I left my comment here earlier, resulting in a small deluge of other comments in my mailbox. It’s almost as if I have… friends! *sniff*
(I didn’t even notice the checkbox last time, but now I see it I obviously can’t uncheck it…)
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On the front page of the Gainesville Sun today is a picture of alllll those people outside the store.
It’s just furniture. WTF?
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cindra: it’s good to have goals – and thanks for stopping by!
Nessa: and normally I love board games! (and hello)
the grumble: exactly!
Bonnie B.: I dunno, some crazy person.
cindrarella: only the odd numbered responses
Hilly: see?
Selma: i had to put my coffee table and end tables together, so it’s not THAT bad – as long as it doesn’t look like ass when you’re done.
Michelle: if I’m ever in court arguing over “premeditation”, I assure you it won’t be because of this.
(and yeah, gmail is a wonder for subscribing to comments because it keeps them all in one email string.)
Al Warren: :wave: so you’re saying there’s teleportals? in IKEA?
You’re one of them, aren’t you?
Dave2:
You kind of have to pick and choose, because I’ve got some very nice minimalist IKEA pieces that I’ve never seen anywhere else. My DVD shelving is barely bigger than the DVDs they contain, and I love that. IKEA is also a fantastic place to get good-quality picture-frames at great prices.That being said, they do have a lot of crap so,
as I said, it’s pick and choose time.
Exactly!
annie: I feel inferior about things I can’t afford all the time. But not IKEA.
deb: sing it sister!!
the grumble: if you WANT, I suppose you can let it go *sigh* – or you can get gmail which makes subscribing to comments and stuff a THOUSAND times easier to do.
Or just pop back periodically to see what witty responses I have crafted.
Mr. Fab: what’s that you say? “Welcome To Florida”?
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Our Ikea is next to the Mall of America so that would be a good deal if you could drop your kids off at Ikea and go shopping/movie watching/bar hopping at MOA. Yep they have a movie theater and a lot of bars inside the MOA. I don’t have kids that need babysitting anymore, but I do have a granddaughter, so if you find out that it isn’t illegal, let me know. I could totally drop her off there and go shopping with her mother at MOA.
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OMG – THAT is the IKEA I went to! My friend and I were at MOA for our annual pilgrimage to our Shopping Mecca!
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See? And I thought that IKEA’s evilness came mainly from the use of cute little made-up names with umlauts that’s supposed to make you think it’s truly European.
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