In my younger years, I was a judgmental bitch.
You could easily measure the starkness of my own black and white morality against my mother’s rather colorful “perception is reality” view of life. As she tried to explain to me why this wayward friend and that misguided castoff was joining us for the holidays and deserving of “a break”, I would constantly remind her that no, in fact, reality was reality. She would tell me that good people sometimes did bad things, and I would affirm that the sun even shines on a dog’s ass sometimes (or, bad people can do good things and still be bad people).
My mother often tried to teach me that “life is not always so black and white”, and yet I remained steadfast in my own conviction that “the grey area is for pussies”.
I was always particularly hard on women.
It was easy for me to look at a woman’s life - the sum total of her actions and choices and mistakes - and quickly apply a label that easily identified her shortcomings. Whore. Slut. Weak. Needy. Victim.
I had no time or sympathy for a woman who “needed a man”. I offered no respect for a mother who “chose a man over her children”, or over anything, for that matter. If you professed to subscribe to a certain set of morals and your actions did not fall in line with those values, you were a fraud. You lacked strength of conviction and the fortitude to stick by your beliefs, and were therefore undeserving of my compassion or affection. Plain and simple.
During the best of times, my mother would gently tease me about my narrow view of the world while she quietly hid her own secrets from me. At the worst, more heated times, she would painfully point out my self righteousness and flash her frustration with my high horse.
To say our polar views on the world and the people in it was a source of contention would be being polite.
And then a funny thing happened - if you find hypocrisy funny.
I fell flat on my face.
Over and over again.
As I marched steadfastly through life, armed with a blind conviction in right and wrong, I found myself slamming into obstacles that I was remarkably unprepared for. Marriage… motherhood… loneliness… doubt… fear… insecurities… regrets…
I found myself making choices based on desperation rather than principle. I did things I am not wholly proud nor ashamed of, but that I will never discuss here on this blog. When faced with opportunities to thrive or survive, I picked survival - at times leaving my own oft professed values behind.
As the skeletons began to collect in my own closet, I realized that my perspective was changing. But what was not changing, what remained at the heart completely intact, was the fabric of Who I Was.
I learned that a person is not, in fact, the sum total of their past choices and actions. I learned that it was possible to fail to live up to a pristine ideal, and still believe fervently in the ideal itself.
And I started to look at the people around me differently. I remembered the time my best friend had reached out to me from the depths of a broken marriage, and I had chastised her for her “mishandling” of the situation. I vividly recalled both loved ones and strangers who I had been quick to judge, and I was ashamed at the opportunities I’d missed to offer compassion and empathy. I was simultaneously grateful for the compassion my own friends had offered me, and embarrassed for how unlike them I had been in the past.
And I remembered my mother.
Thinking back over the years on all the times she had been afraid to come to me - knowing that I was not a safe place and could only offer her reproach and disapproval - I was relived that she had been able to find other sources of comfort. Those same people that I had harbored such disdain for had been able to give her the support she so desperately needed. They offered her understanding and acceptance seeped in their own failures and regrets, while I clung smugly to the fact that I had no reason for things like regret.
I was humbled. And, I’d like to think, I was softened by the less prideful experiences of my own life.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the past several days. My tiny corner of the blogosphere has been positively aflutter recently over questions of morality and judgment and right and wrongs and choices and decisions and blame and responsibility. I’ve seen words tossed around like “whore” and “slut” and “cunt” and I find myself wincing at the callousness with which these labels are being slapped onto other people - fictional or otherwise.
What surprises me most is the harshness with which women judge other women. How quick we all are to drag one another into the town square to be mocked and flogged and branded a fool. Or worse. How easy it is for us to look past intentions or motive and jump immediately to self righteous indignation.
Is it that we forget our own transgressions too easily? Or is it all too easy to disguise our own shortcomings with the cover of “at least I wouldn’t do that“?
Is it at all possible that there are still people in this world who have yet to fall short of the glory of their own ideals?
I don’t know. But I know that for me, at least, I have come to see that a woman’s worth, including her morality, is much more vibrant and complex than simple black and white. I believe now that my mother had a point all those years when she insisted that we are all simply doing “the best that we can with what we know at the time”. And that beyond hypothetical discussions of theory and possibilities, there is very little room in this world for arrogant judgment.
Of course, I still view a man’s morality in pretty simple terms. Good guys and bad guys; nice guys and assholes; bystanders and white knights. My new found allowance for complexity does not seem to have extended to the less fair sex.
And we could discuss the irony of that at length… but for today, I think I’ve rambled and navel gazed enough.
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I view it almost as a scale. Good things on one side, bad things on the other. Someone who does mainly good things will still have the occasional bad act, but they still weigh out as good. Some people might start out with all bad acts, but over time, redeem themselves by balancing it out. Ying-yang.
That’s why every time I save a kitten, I make sure to go kick a nun in the crotch shortly thereafter.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
wait, you didn’t say we were supposed to stare at our navels during that post! :doh: Now I have to read it again…
November 27th, 2007 at 1:19 am
Yes, it’s funny how life sometimes puts you in a position that requires the exact opposite of everything you’ve preached for years.
My wife says “always certain, often correct” when she describes me. And the older I get the less I know — topics that were painfully simple to me at 20 are now clouded with shades of grey.
By retirement, I expect there will be absolutely no absolutes. This will allow me to wear plaid Bermudas with sandals and black socks.
November 27th, 2007 at 1:39 am
Exactly. Exactly.
Understanding of a situation may not change our minds about the relative morality, but the understanding of the gray areas does make room for compassion - not pity or condescension - but true compassion. And without compassion, our morality is nothing.
November 27th, 2007 at 1:50 am
I deal with being the judgmental bitch all the time, Britt. I need to really step back. It’s so much easier to throw stones though, isn’t it?
November 27th, 2007 at 2:33 am
November 27th, 2007 at 5:52 am
Normally I don’t like to think too much this early in the morning, but thank you.
November 27th, 2007 at 6:45 am
Then the next step will be to extend that to us because, in the final analysis, just because we hide it better as part of our wiring doesn’t mean we’re not pretty much the same in that way.
November 27th, 2007 at 7:06 am
Well put. I had a long, well thought out answer in my head, started to type then realized I hadn’t had enough coffee yet. Sooo.. well put.
November 27th, 2007 at 7:13 am
I love you!
November 27th, 2007 at 7:45 am
You know what? Sometimes I think it’s all fundamentally genetic. That we girls are so quick to judgment when it comes to other women because what is fundamentally most important to us? Just think basic genetics/survival of the species? What’s most important is the continuation of our line, of our chromosomes. If we see a woman getting bashed, failing at her “job”, so to speak, it’s a chance for us to advance. I honestly don’t think there’s any thought to it. I think it’s a base human reaction.
That doesn’t make it right or wrong. Just is. I’m with you, though. The older I’ve become and having motherhood as a basis, I’ve tried to become softer in my reactions to other people’s wrong choices. The only place in which I’m a stickler is when you lie about me to others. That, I won’t budge about and people who do that don’t ever get second chances.
Whew. OK. Off the soapbox now…
November 27th, 2007 at 8:24 am
avitable: and every time you gush over my youngest child, you feel the need to tell me about your latest perversion.
Sheila: no, no, we all have to stare at MY navel. Hang on, let me adjust the fat roll for you…
Dick: “always certain, often character” has just become a contender in the List Of Things That May Be Included On My Tombstone Someday.
jozet at Halushki:“without compassion, our morality is nothing.” - that seems like something Confucius would have said. Or Jesus. Or Oprah. Someone.
Peggy: it is easier. And I have to admit, sometimes more often. Especially for someone like me, my brain works twice as fast at spewing the snarky comebacks and cutting insults as my heart does in mustering compassion.
Dee:
thank you.
Mr. Fab: um, you’re welcome?
RW: maybe if I got to have a penis for a day, that would help.
Lin: funny, that’s how this post started. LOL
Kristin:
:heartbeat: 
I love you too. And I cannot tell you enough how much I wish I had been a better friend to you - on more than one occasion.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter: motherhood is probably the most humbling thing I’ve ever done.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:41 am
Thank you.
I have been dealing with feelings that I couldn’t pinpoint.Things about my hubs, my best friend’s marriage, my daughter and my mom. I have very strong opinions on why they are all wrong in what they are doing. I am tired of listening to the judgemental voice in my head and chalked it up to being bitchy due to menopause. I think you have clarified things-not totally-but in large part. I DO tend to see things in black and white and maybe it’s time for me to blur that line too.
Very well written,Britt!
November 27th, 2007 at 8:44 am
I’m with you here — although I didn’t used to judge women. I judged other peoples’ parenting. When I had kids, they would most certainly not whine, throw tantrums, or act in a generally sullen manner towards guests.
. . . and then I had kids.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:21 am
De-lurking to tell you how much I enjoyed this post…. Thank you!
November 27th, 2007 at 9:29 am
loven this post.
i always thought things were either right or wrong, black or white. not sure when i started to realize that only jesus was perfect (or so i have been told). the rest of us are just trying to do our best with what we have. when we fail it is because we are human and bound to fail. hopefully we learn a lesson and do better the next time we encounter the situation.
when i was younger i never understood why women would ban together and be all pro woman, rah-rah. as i get older i’m starting to understand the need for it. don’t get me wrong, i still prefer the company of a room of men watching football & drinking beer, but i do now have a better grasp of women looking out for other women.
p.s. your mom is amazing.
makes me miss mine so very much.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Holy fucking shit!!!
Just so you know, I do still deaaarrrrllllllyyyy love the taste of tequila - but only the good shit.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:40 am
oh my…i love good tequila, too. britt, can i cyber adopt your mudder?
November 27th, 2007 at 9:43 am
You know what? When I was younger I was a judgemental bitch too! I, however, just thought I was better than everyone. And that my choices were the exception to the rule. It took a few years and a few physical and emotional scars to learn that everyone makes bad judgement calls, and everyone makes good ones…. I just pray most people make more good than bad….
November 27th, 2007 at 9:46 am
Look! Look honey! I have a gravatar!!!!!!!!!
November 27th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Well, welcome to humanity is all I’m ever reminded to say. Despite our intellectual magnificence we continue to react instinctually and that reaction is disappointingly “animalistic” in nature.
Personally I don’t find “good” or “bad” as a linear thing, but if I had to categorize it, I’d have to say there’s, say, a 15% extreme to one side that’s “good,” a 15% (or more) extreme to the other side that’s “bad,” and a 70% vast, gray area in between where most of humanity lives. We, as self-serving humans, tend to believe that we’re “good” simply because we’re not doing bad. As long as we’re not raping, pillaging, or robbing, we’re “good” by default (and the robbing is even ok if it’s done in the name of “business”). To me there’s a hell of a lot more to being good than simply NOT being bad. When I found myself standing in the crosshairs of a judgemental society I was amazed at how black and white so many people think the world is. If it’s one thing the whole experience taught me it’s that things are seldom so simple and people infinitely more complex.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:20 am
You are being far too contemplative. Hurry over so we can throw stones, please?
Of course, I jest. And honestly, was this post not much more satisfying and far more productive than others that may have been contemplated recently?
Age and wisdom, chica, age and wisdom.
November 27th, 2007 at 11:11 am
metalmom: all of this thanking is freaking me out!
Just remember - the first step I think to being less harsh with others, is to be a little easier on yourself. ;-)
The Mom Bomb: ah yes, it’s always people who don’t have kids who give the BEST parenting advice! (and are the subject of many curses and hexes from those of us who actually have to live with our own children)
Marney: well hello to lurkers! OMG, I have lurkers!!
hellohahanarf: i still usually prefer the company of men - but it’s nice to have a little more respect for my own sex.
Mom: LOL, yes, yes, I know.
hellohahanarf: sure - but you have to send her presents!
themuttprincess: oh yeah, my judgment DEFINITELY came from a superiority complex. And I’m not saying that is completely gone…
Mom: very nice mom - Mary or mother/child something - right?
Kelly: I think humanity should have a party - maybe it would get more members.
DeannaBanana: yes, yes it was. Age and wisdom indeed. Even if it’s just borrowed.
November 27th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Sorry. I will not provide you with a penis. You will have to go elsewhere for that.
November 27th, 2007 at 11:38 am
my problem is I won’t judge people even when they deserve it… guess it takes all kinds, eh?
November 27th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Having known you several (how many… a lot, I think) years ago… and knowing you now… you are a very different person and I don’t think you realize how much.
In a very good way, not that you were a bad person before. At. ALL.
Your level of self-introspection, to me, is amazing. I admire it so much. So many people just aren’t like that in any way, shape, or form.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
On some occassions I read you and I think there is that flippant woman again that makes me laugh and other days like today you make me think.
I admire your ability to put these things into well thought out writings. It is like you have ripped pages from my mind that I can’t put into words. I admire you. It takes a lot of strength to admit that maybe you were wrong in judgements.
November 27th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
I’m a shitty daughter when it comes to the judging thing. Probably a crappy sister too. Hell, I suck.
But only to those I care the most about…doesn’t that count for something?
Let me know.
November 27th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
The biggest lesson I’ve been trying to learn is that 99.95% of life IS the grey areas. That’s a hard lesson to learn when you were raised by a Borderline. Whee!
This was a great post, duder.
November 27th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
RW: um, yeah - I’m pretty sure they don’t ship well in any case. Sheeesh!
Tori: ah, that’s sweet though.
AmyD: aw, thanks. See, this is why you have to be in charge of my eulogy. And maybe my next Valentine’s Day Card (call Jared, please).
deb: I’m like a teeter totter, or something. (and thank you)
Kimberly: I tried to email you *sigh* - the people I judge most passionately are those who are closest to me. The rest get little more than an eye roll or a short lived internet rant.
Rich: duder, heh.
November 27th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Most of us think we’ve cornered the market on parent torment… my wife’s former PRISON GUARD father had a coronary when he got the details on ME
Now they know she’s the luckiest girl on earth :cheesy:
November 27th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
It’s true what you said.
I think sometimes, we also have to take our bad choices and hold them up as an example to others, and humble ourselves, you know like, “I made a stupid mistake and did a stupid thing and here’s the bad things that resulted from it, so here’s why I think it’s wrong.”
Or not neccessarily “wrong” but why it always ends up the same horrible way.
I do that with my daughter a LOT, ha-ha.
I may sound “judgey” sometimes, but when it’s someone I care about, it’s cuz I hate to see them make a mistake that will just end up hurting them.
November 27th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
If I knew how or where to nominate you for that “Perfect Post” thing, I would absolutely do it. I saw myself in a lot of this, too.
November 27th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
I try to live in shades of gray. But every once in a while a high-contrast filter drops in a situation, and black and white happens. It would be easy to blame myself, but people can be so annoying!
November 27th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
Our daughter and her friends impress me no end.
Now if I could just get y’all to say “phoque” (which, as you know is the french word for ’seal’) instead of “F”…. life would be good. Life is good anyway.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
I have been living in Lurk City around here for a while now and I had to leave and join the fun. Genius. I seem to live half my life in black and white’s and then drift into shades of grey in others… I totally agree with you that I am harder on women - when they say stupid things on television I am twice as likely to mumble obscenities at the screen than I am with a man. It’s the only time I am maternal - I pat them on the head in my mind and forgive them anything… It’s one of the thing that has got me into so much crap in the past.
It’s one of the things that causes so much friction between my Mum and I - she can’t understand the shifting in my values… adn most of the time neither can I.
Thank you for such a fantastic post.
November 27th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
I didn’t really understand what you were talking about so… DO you think that Kenny Chesney guy is gay? I keep reading he and Anderson Cooper are gay but if they don’t say thay are… then what the hell are people basing the statemnts on? OH yeah, and is this spreading rumors by simply asking if Anderson Cooper and Kenny Cheseny are gay?
November 28th, 2007 at 12:16 am
jflins: I’m confused. lol
annie: yeah, I understand that. Sometimes when you KNOW because - dude, seriously, I’ve BEEN THERE - is when it’s the hardest not to come off as “judgey”. I’m not good at letting people make their own mistakes - I mean, what’s the point in THAT??!!
Tense Teacher: awwww, thanks. You don’t seem judgey at all! (I mean, you know, online.)
Dave2: oh yeah - and stupid. Stupid is instant high contrast filter for me!
Momma:
he he he - what’s the french word for, ahem, F***?
Bec: thanks for delurking! :wave:
Y2K: sorry to confuse you.
November 28th, 2007 at 6:51 am
Now, how would I know that, pray tell?
Snow here and C-O-L-D!!!! Only 10 degrees this morning.
:coffee:
November 28th, 2007 at 8:52 am
It’s the same. actually. But to the Québeqois it isn’t a swear word; nothing about sex is a swear to them….but references to church items, such as chalices, hosts, etc are considered no no’s. weird, huh
November 28th, 2007 at 8:58 am
Chalice is a swear word in French???
I don’t know…
“You dirty chalice!”
“You, you, you unconsecrated host!!!!!”
Doesn’t have the same effect.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:03 am
Mom, you weirdo!
What are you doing chatting over here with Britt? :P At least educate her properly on how to cuss in Canada’s official second language, hm? Now you have gone and forced my hand for today’s post topic, the art of cussing in multiple languages!
Now I have my phoque’in work cut out for me!
November 28th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Dude, moms love me.
As long as I’m not dating their sons.
November 28th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Women, particularly, seem to feel the need to justify their own choices and behaviors by taking swipes at other women. I do not profess to understand why.
Life will certainly kick your ass when you think you have it all figured out. It tends to leave it alone when you admit that you haven’t got a clue.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
If that’s true I would like to go on record as saying Life? I don’t have a clue. Back OFF!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Thank you for giving me a reason to justify being up past my bedtime!
That was great. Now if only we as women could learn to stop being so hard on ourselves. In am actually MUCH more judgmental of myself than others. I wish I could learn to accept the fact that I really AM a good mom, etc.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:21 am
Oh honey, you speaketh the truth. I’ve gotten slightly less bitchy on other people, but I swear if I flogged myself each night it would be kinder than what I do in my head on a regular basis.
November 29th, 2007 at 6:50 am
Well said. Everyone has their own version of right and wrong and no one agrees 100%, so I try to keep that in mind when someone does something that doesn’t line up to my version of what’s moral.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:59 am
I think for the most part people agree alot on what is “right” or what is “wrong”. Where it gets tricky is in the understanding of how, if we know it’s “wrong”, people do it anyway - and how far each of us is willing to go to excuse or understand it.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:33 am
I think cultural differences often challenge the “right” vs. “wrong” idea. Within my moral compass I do not think it is “right” to chop off hands for stealing, for example. But, I can still (ugggggh, argh, sigh) respect that this is acceptable in other cultures. Kinda. Not really, but … ack. See, it completely falls apart on occasion.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Good point.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:02 am
This is why I enjoy reading your blog so much! You’re smart, funny, and very brave. I think it’s very courageous of you to share your introspections with us. You’ve made a lot of people stop and think. That is a wonderful gift.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Gosh, thanks - it always surprises me when I hear people say I’m “brave”, because I know how much of my life I spend absolutely terrified. :)
December 1st, 2007 at 9:31 am
I understand that terrified feeling, we get it a lot of the time too. :twitchy:
December 1st, 2007 at 10:42 am
[...] The post I have nominated is A Glass House With A View which made me delurk and comment. Amongst other things it discusses us women and how we treat other and it made me think about how the double standard thing applies. I really sat back and looked at what I was doing in my real life and in my blogging life. It made me think about why, although I was reading this fantastic blog and having things to say n my head I was terrified of being rejected and told to, in no uncertain terms, ‘go away’. Was I because of my usual rejection issues or was it because of my past experience with other women and the way we generally put each other through the crapper as much as possible? Either way, I thought enough is enough and threw up a comment. [...]
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:10 pm
[...] Here’s the list of this month’s winners: Suburban Turmoil awarded Girls are Pretty Something to Say awarded Scribbit Out of My Tree awarded Miss Britt Mommy Speak and Fluttercrafts awarded Cry It Out The Daily Bitch awarded Shoo Fly Weekly Scheiss awarded Here in the Hills PunditMom awarded Jen Lemen Childs Play x 2 awarded Claire’s Dad Serendipity Mine awarded The Bloggess Table for Five awarded Spilt Milk Absolutely Bananas awarded Midwestern Mommy Playgroups are No Place for Children awarded Swistle My Life as a Hotfessional awarded Pyreflies Over Zanarkland Using My Words awarded A Garden of Nna Mmoy Foggy City Mommy awarded The Spirit of the River Alex Year One awarded Get in the Car! To Think is To Create awarded New Mama’s Nest The Mummy Chronicles awarded Blooming Yaya Where Was I awarded Pointless Drivel Chicken And Cheese and Kellyology awarded A Child Is Born The Berry Patch awarded Wonderland Miscellanious Adventures of an Aussie Mum awarded Toddler Planet The Dust Will Wait awarded Life is Like a Lunchbox Midwestern Mommy awarded Slacker Moms R Us Poot and Cubby awarded Slouching Past 40 Petroville awarded DizziLizzi [...]
December 3rd, 2007 at 5:55 am