I suck at marriage.
I worry sometimes that I am genetically doomed and incapable of having a successful relationship. Between my parents and my grandparents, there are 6 separate divorces*. I’m afraid sometimes that my childhood declarations that I was “never going to get married!” were actually an early sign that I was truly not made with The Stuff that it takes to be a good spouse. Whatever The Stuff is.
I know I am not an easy person to be married to. Hell, I’m not an easy person to be in the same room with a good chunk of the time. I’m naturally self centered and over dramatic, a combination that spells annoyance at best and destructive meltdown at worst.
And my list of demands in a spouse is long and changing and impossible to live up to at times. I want security and sensitivity and strength and power and kindness and chivalry and the ability to do what I want when I want it. I often find myself worrying more about how someone else can make me happy than how I can make life easier for someone else. And I suspect I’m not an easy girl to please.
And yet, right now, I feel like maybe… I can do this.
Or rather, we can do this.
The last year has been hard. Really, really fucking hard. In fact, the last year there have been many times when it has been so hard that it has been shamefully easy to forget about the really good 7+ years before this one.
I will admit to having an optimistic fantasy in my head that we would move here and everything would be OK. Better than OK. We would have nothing but each other and would flourish within the Captive Audience Environment. I would be happier and therefore he would be happier and everything would be Good! Great! Grand!
Heh.
Note to self and other married readers: adding major change (aka known stressors) to an already stressed relationship may not be the best thing you can do to “get over the hump”. (See also: reasons NOT to have a baby.)
The first month was bad. Really, really bad. So bad that it was impossible to ignore that I was not the only one unhappy (please refer to early reference of me being self centered) .
And then, something happened a few weeks ago.
And I have no fucking clue what it was.
I think someone may have snapped and said I am absolutely not driving myself to the looney-fucking-bin because I am afraid of being a bad wife spouse. And it is possible that someone announced that they while they did not wish to send anyone to said looney bin, they were in fact worth fighting for. Damn it.
Oh, and also, we ran out of other people to bitch to.
I mean, sure, I have the Internet. And the phone. And a boss who is more than happy to listen to my side of the story. And he has… um… hm…well… you know, he’s really into talk radio. Anyway.
The thing is, we’re here. Just us. And our kids. (and yes, I know, some really cool friends we’ve met recently - but mainly us, quit distracting me!)
And for the first time in an embarrassingly long time, we really are each other’s whole world. And we pretty much have nothing else to do now but Try. It’s not that we didn’t want to try before. It’s just that it was very, very easy to find other Less Hard Shit to do before.
But all of a sudden, without the friends and the families and the obligations and the distractions and the comfort zone, we find ourselves face to face with one another. And remarkably aware of what the hell is going on.
It’s like we both suddenly became conscious of the fact that our actions affect the other. *smack* Yeah, I know.
ANYway.
We’re not perfect. Obviously. And we still fight. And roll our eyes. And initiate the Cone of Silence. And maybe toss around the “fuck you’s” in a heated moment.
But I also got a phone call late yesterday morning to say “no matter what, I love you, I do care, and we can talk as long as you want when you get home tonight.”
And I went home to homemade brownies. Or rather, homemade Low Carb brownies. And Low Carb ice cream. And Low Carb chocolate syrup on top of said Low Carb ice cream and brownies.
And the day before when I had a really rough day at work and was dragging my ass home, it was my husband I picked up the phone to call. And he listened. And discussed. And actually gave advice that made a hell of a lot of sense.
And there have been a lot of really awesome things over the past few weeks, not the least of which has been how things have gone when we have not gotten along. I kind of feel like that stupid Newlywed who says “look honey! our first fight!” and is all glowing and gushy afterwards because while there was a fight, there was also the other side that shows you that you really and truly might be OK - fights and all (except of course it’s not our first, and I don’t say it to my parents, I rehash the whole thing to the entire World Wide Wisdom, but other than that - just. like. a Newlywed.)
And also, I’m less glowy and gushy. And more cautiously optimistic. With one eye on the Gene of Doom* and the other on what looks to be a widening ray of hope.
.
.
*And to said parents/grandparents who have been divorced and quite clearly would be passer-on’ers of genes… I swear to God this is not meant as a judgement on you. I love you in all of your awesomeness and I mean it when I say there is Nothing. Wrong. With You. But it does make a very handy excuse for a neurosis of mine when needed. In conclusion: me crazy, you awesome. Please don’t be offended.
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There are times when I wonder what he does for you and why it’s worth it, because more often than not, I hear all of the bad things, and very few of the good things.
So, it’s good to hear/read the good things. I mean, seeing you guys together when you’re good with each other, is always a clear sign that you guys go well together, but it’s nice to see the good things he’s done for you, too.
October 17th, 2007 at 9:56 am
It sounds to me like this move has been a defining time in your marriage. The time when you finally begin to truly cleave to one another. For a lot of people, it takes at least ten years before that begins to happen. My parents have a wonderful, amazing, fantastic marriage that is the absolute envy of anyone who encounters them. But they’ve been through hell and back, for reasons I’ll discuss on my own blog, and it was in their 12th year of marriage where they finally “seen the light” so to speak. They began to truly cleave to one another. And then it’s a process because while you’ve been married for what feels like for-freaking-ever, it’s truly a new beginning. You’ve established a foundation over the last few years. But now you’ve got a clue that it’s there and what you must build upon it. Not to say that things weren’t great before, but…
This time in your lives, where you’ve had the additional stress and nobody but each other to reach out to, has given you the tools you need to start building.
While your family has a history that may make you question and doubt at times, your own ability to have a successful marriage… it doesn’t have anything to do with your OWN facts and your OWN reality. Which is that you married a wonderful man and for the last 7+ years you’ve been learning to compromise, raising children, and dealing with day-to-day life. Sometimes, in the midst of all that… it gets in the way and that’s when insecurities pop up to say hello. But the two of you are squashing them. Because now, you’ve done the building and you’re starting to work together as a TRUE team. Not to heads of one body, running in completely different directions.
Congratulations on your new beginning, Miss Britt. I’m proud of you both.
(And sorry if this comment sounds a bit presumptious - it’s only what I get from reading between the lines and through your archives and what you’ve written here. Just my own impressions and opinions. Take it for what it’s worth… which may just be jack shit.)
October 17th, 2007 at 10:04 am
this was wonderful to read. i love that you recognize that you may not be perfect (wha? you? no!). sometimes admitting that we aren’t heaven to live with is the most difficult thing.
good luck to you and the hubby. i think you can overcome the gene. i really do.
October 17th, 2007 at 10:04 am
I don’t come here for the make-up-be-nice smoochie smoochie. I want my angst, dammit.
/kidding.
October 17th, 2007 at 10:26 am
A move, in the middle of bad times, is indeed a huge stressor.
I’m much like you. Demand perfection, give me what I need, do what I say not as I do.
This was heartwarming to read, chicklet.
Marriage is work. And I think we sometimes just forget all about that.
xoxoxox
October 17th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Ah my sweetie, how wonderful. I think we ALL forget that it ain’t easy sometimes, and that ability to “cleave unto each other” is a grace, a learned thing, a conscious gift of vulnerability to each other.
You might not be gushy, but I am.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:04 am
I’m too new to this relationship to really say much, aside from the fact that I totally get it. And I totally get why you two work. You work together, even when working against each other. You have a history, a foundation and a future. It is yours in the making. And aside from that, you are both as funny as fuck and entertaining and fun. And friends.
And at a time when we felt much like you do, we really DID learn to relly on each other. And also, to cherish each other. And mostly, we still laugh and have fun and have maintained that friendship.
You guys have my vote, for whatever it is worth.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:07 am
October 17th, 2007 at 11:39 am
It is good that there ARE reasons you love him. Hold onto the good stuff…. Because over 7+ years there has to be plenty.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:49 am
…..what?? No mention of awesome make-up sex? Ya gotta give the guy a LITTE incentive to wanna keep working things out!
October 17th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Hi, do you live in my house? Seriously you have been describing our relationship exactly lately, except he is the one with some past depression and anxiety issues and refuses to see when it is happening again (or denying it, not saying you are depressed either…..). I have had thoughts of leaving, but I know I am ridiculous in these thoughts.
I think any relationship is work, and at some point for a while you will be at each-others throats, it happens. Myself, I bitch constantly to others about Dad! and all they hear is the bad. They never hear about him bringing a glass of water at night after I have been up with the kid, or about him taking Rito off my hands for a whole day etc….. They only hear about the lack of housework and the excess video games. Sometimes it is easier to focus on the negatives.
October 17th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
At least you have all that beautiful weather to help out. And shopping. No me, but what can you do?
Good luck. Sincerely.
October 17th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Well, now you can check that off your list. Now if ONLY you can get Emma to just GO. TO. BED. already.
“My mommeeee, my mommmmeeeee.”
Except Dora’s her favorite.
Hee hee. I love that kid.
October 17th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
So… what did you do with Britt and when is she coming back???
October 17th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
[...] Then I read this. Miss Britt has really touched on some things lately that ring true to me too. This is no exception. Reading this, I realized that yeah, there will be times it’s not easy, and there will be times when I question things, but in the end, I want US. I want my relationship with Batman to work. I love him. I want him. I want us. I want our family. I want our future. [...]
October 17th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Like many things in life, I’ve learned over the years, and actually in my case just this past few days again, that some people (myself included) are the ones that really need to hit rock bottom and be confronted with themselves to kick their own butts and get out there and fight…
Not sure if that is really what happened here, but I am glad that stripping life of all it’s “other stuff” has resulted in you somehow finding your way back there. You will make it! Because I want you to!
October 17th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
avitable: are you saying I should bitch less? :confused:
Amber: I’m sorry. I just cannot read a comment with the word “cleave” used multiple times without thinking of the word cleavage. And laughing a lot.
I’m so sorry. :lmfao:
hellohahanarf: oh honey, I could give you a laundry list of my imperfections. I just am usually pretty enamored with my OTHER list.
RW: ohhhh, wait two days.
J.: or, like laundry, find other things to do instead. Until you’re naked, and have no choice. LOL
Mom: yeah, well, just remember - there’s “cleaving” (he he he) and then there’s losing yourself into some asshole.
DeannaBanana: I think your vote is worth 10. At least.
heather:
themuttprincess: I rarely wonder if I love him. Whether or not I’ll let him live, now THAT is the question. ;-)
Y2K: I know! And sad to say that last night we BOTH fell asleep on the couch instead, despite VERY good intentions on my part!
SleepyNita: I may live in your house, but I am not scrubbing your toilets. I draw the line there.
ADW: by “sincerely” I assume you meant “seriously”.
AmyD: which would be heartwarming if I didn’t know that you love her for the tormenting she does.
Speaking of which… I :hearbeat: Maggie too.
NYCWD: :tongue: I am GROWING here, Dawg!
October 17th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
Dutchy: thanks doll - I usually do quite a bit of own ass kicking, but usually it’s in the midst of a pity party. :-)
October 17th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
1. I like Jared. A lot. I just don’t like how he makes you feel sometimes. That is a huge difference.
2. You don’t bitch too much. People just tend to vent about negatives and not talk about positives. Sometimes you’ll be venting, but I don’t get to hear the making up part, because it happens after work or just at a point in the day when you don’t have time to mention it.
3. You’re a dogfucker. But I still
you.
October 17th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
What Avitable said.
October 17th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Ha Ha! Bossy called you a “Dog Fucker” too!
October 17th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
It can work….believe me, being here is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth wheel(s) of baggage to contend with.
You guys were like this before you were married, it’s just part of the two of you. KWIM!?
October 17th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Did someone say dogfucker????
:wave:
October 17th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
avitable: whatever, you hate Jared for his massive white boy penis. I know.
BOSSY: you are so comment cheating!
Y2K: which is a clear sign we need to have t-shirts made.
“Dogfucker”
Oh god, the ensuing hilarity!
Kristin: wait- were like what? the good parts, or the bad parts?
NYCWD: :lmfao:
You wanta shirt?
October 17th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
October 17th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
:thumbsup: YAY! Don’t have anything that hasn’t already been said, but just YAY. Happy for you.
Oh, and I want a shit. heh. Do I have to call you a dogfucker?
October 17th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Sugar
The only person in the world who can make you happy is you.
I wrote a really long comment but I have deleted it–
When I was your age no one could tell me –even though they tried –how the world would look 20 years later
You’ve been through so much lately–I wish the two of you could just go off somewhere and just be
October 17th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Good luck with everything. I know how hard it is to concentrate on the positive when the negative is kicking your ass.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
It’s cool. Every time I used it (for lack of a better word due to lack of sleep) I couldn’t help but think of “cleave” in the Biblical sense, i.e. SEX — which totally made me giggle.
What can I say? I’m easily amused and slightly retarded.
October 18th, 2007 at 2:06 am
When the going gets tough, just remember this: divorce sucks.
Really. 100 times more than your worst day of marriage. Trust me, I know.
It sounds like you have a normal, healthy marriage. And that is so worth keeping.
Hang in there.
J.
October 18th, 2007 at 3:38 am
Crazy Lady: I know. It’s so hard to make positive FUNNY though, right?
Tug: :lmfao: I want a shit! I want a shit! (you have no idea how much jokes like these tickle me - ahhh funny, smart, throw back to an early episode humor, gets me every time)
Turnbaby: when I was younger (I know, I know) I used to be all offended when someone older than me would say “just wait 20 years”.
And then I noticed how much things really do change.
Now I just figure, yeah, I won’t know ’til I get there, but I’m sure it will be different. In the mean time - here I am. :)
Amanda: thanks!
Amber: you think Sex, I think boobs. I shudder to think what that says about either of us.
HoosierGirl5: plus with kids and mortgages involved, that is a LOT of paperwork.
October 18th, 2007 at 8:56 am
I wish I’d had the knowledge and “fuck em if they can’t take a joke” attitude I have now when I was your age. I think there’s a reason for not being that empowered then But for the life of me I can’t sort it.
Oh and I forgot to say–I always thing of both cleavage and sex when I hear the word ‘cleave’ ;-p
October 18th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Your brain is clearly better at multi-innuendo-tasking. :-)
October 18th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Wow, reading your description of yourself was like reading about me. I’m the exact same way and it’s only after six years of marriage that, like you, I’ve realized that my mood often dictates the mood of the family.
Taking responsibility sucks dammit! But I know you can do it. You can totally do it, and fifty years from now both of you will be laughing about this period in your lives as you recount how you very nearly killed each other.
October 18th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Yep, my mom used to have one of those “if momma aint happy, no one’s happy” signs in the kitchen.
It’s somehow less funny and more humbling when it’s true.
Although - why is it that those of us who are supposedly the most difficult to live with are also the most awesomest to be around?!?! (clearly)
October 18th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Good for you Britt. I hope it works better for you than it did for me. The fact that he’s reaching out is a great sign. I never did get that late morning phone call containing an expression of caring; and I can’t remember the last time I came home to any manner of comfort food or a “I’m here to listen” environment. I really hope this works for you. Divorce sucks.
October 18th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Thanks :-)
October 18th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
I would really like to leave a comment here, but I would be going against the entire grain so I’ll just say: I hope you continue to be happy.
October 18th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Funny, between my parents and my grandparents, I’ve got um…14 divorces, I think, but I’m pretty sure that just makes me extra careful about who I’m gonna marry. since I’m 30 and single, maybe I hould be a little less careful…
It’s easy for people to always hear about the bad stuff. Who vents about the good stuff? nobody! because they don’t need to get it offa their chest! But the frustrations? we all need to grrr, and GRRR, and ROAR! about stuff once in awhile. Or every day, whatever it takes.
October 18th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Poppy: hm, well, against the grain comments are welcome too! Especially if you’re going to SAY this and now leave me wonder all day what you would have commented!!! Dang you Poppy and your comment teasers!!
ginamonster: yeah, my planned and thought out response when I was younger was “I’m never going to get married.”
Ah, life, such a dirty whore.
October 19th, 2007 at 8:39 am