I’m desperately wanting to be funny. I’m trying to conjure up the energy to write an entertaining post that will propel me to Blog Domination.
But I just… can’t.
All I have in me is another bitchy ass whine. And I’m so very tired of the whine.
And the resentment. And the stress. And the constant, never ending anger. And that persistent ache between my eyebrows that reminds me I’m walking around with a habitual scowl.
I dread people asking me “how I’m doing” or “what I’m up to”. Because I know it’s going to be the same old bitch as it was the last time they asked. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m bitter. I’m so fucking sick of being sick of my husband.
I’m waiting for everyone around me to get tired of being “supportive”. I know that I can’t stand to hear the same old sob story over and over and over again, and eventually support and understanding will give way to frustration and annoyance. Before long the misplaced pity will be replaced with a dismissive “oh, yeah, you’ll be fine” as they frantically change the subject or end the phone call.
This is more than a bad day. I’m afraid I’m going to be swallowed whole by this constant disappointment.
And yes, for those of you reading with your own history, I do have a family history of depression. I’m terrified of it. A part of me hopes beyond hope that I could take a pill and let all of this ugliness go, but the other part of me knows it’s not that simple. The bitter, resentful part of me screams, “I don’t have the fucking TIME to go to a doctor even if I wanted too!”
Right now I am hopeless, likening myself to the man in hell doomed to carry the weight of the world for all of eternity. Ouch. Right there. That’s the image that furrows the brows.
I feel like I should apologize to all of you as well. I imagine you sitting there, rolling your eyes, frantically clicking to the next feed - much the same way I do when it’s “that post again.” I dread the “you’ll be OK!” and “do this to be better!” comments - not because they aren’t well meaning and appreciated, but because I seriously doubt their effectiveness. And once you’ve doled out advice, you want it to work. We want to fix and cheer up and make better.
And when we can’t… we move on.
I’m afraid that you can’t. Not even you, try as you might.
I’m afraid this is permanent. Forever. That I’m never going to be truly happy again without running away from it all and throwing myself on a beach somewhere to sob my eyes out for days, before picking up and starting my life over again. Alone this time.
I have to suck it up. I know I do. I have to dig deep, and shake it off, and change my attitude, and push on.
I just… can’t.
Posted in Bitching Again, It's All About Me, On A Serious Note, just rambling
wow. I think we’ve all had these moments - and I’m not really sure what is the best thing to do. Sleep? Force ourselves to go out with friends? Eat? Change everything as much as you possible can? I don’t really know. I’ve done all of those at one point or another, but nothing works everytime. Or with everyone, I suppose.
we are not going anywhere. we want you to get it all out because sometimes that helps.
does your husband read your blog? is he trying to help?
not that i think the doctor is the answer, but if you think that is the way to go then make time. if you fell and broke your leg you would make time for the doctor. this is no different. (assuming you feel going to a doctor for a pill is the answer)
sounds to me that you really do need some time. time to go to the doc or go to the beach or go shoe shopping or go to have a drink with a new friend or go get a massage or whatever it is that you want to do. making time for britt is important. VERY important. in addition to being a wife, a mother and an employee you are a wonderful woman who deserves a few moments alone to breathe and do whatever it is that makes britt britt.
we’re pulling for you to get through this darkness and on to sunnier times.
You’re my second favorite person in the whole world and it kills me to see you unhappy. I know I can’t fix this, but I will do what I can to alleviate whatever small part of it I can. Whether it’s babysitting to give you some free time, with or without him, or just by humiliating myself to make you chuckle, I’m up for it.
All the things I was going to say you told me not to say. So the only thing left is the other way…
(ahem)
Oh grow up.
Girl, I understand.
Because I understand, I won’t post any suggestions here, because that’s the last thing those of us who are depressed at times want to hear.
I would imagine that you want to hear empathy rather than solutions.
I am bipolar, and in my twenties, tended to swing to major depression. Of course, I have to be medicated, lest I kill someone.
So, I just wanted to say that there are a lot of people out there who understand, and know that you just gotta feel it sometimes…
Hugs to all that have ever felt this way…And to you, Miss Britt, in particular today and every day that you feel this way until it subsides.
Ahhhhh. The weight of the world FOREVER….. Yeah, that will furrow the brows, and give ya a headache…. Just make sure to move your face in the other direction as well otherwise you will be an old lady with permanantly furrowed brows, and lemme tell ya something, that is NOT attractive. Even if you have awesome old lady shoes on.
I’m not going to attempt to give advice. Your blog isn’t about that anyway. It’s a good way for you to vent, and you’re such a talented writer.
Let me just say, CHANGE is a trigger for depression. We, in the blogosphere, have no clue what your husband is feeling. He’s not doing “it” right, but I do know that he was in love with you enough to change his entire life to follow you to Florida.
Depression and Anxiety are “oh so common” that no one wants to admit to either of them. My husband has gone thru 2 different bouts of depression. The first one when our oldest son was hospitalized for schizophrenia, the second time here in Singapore but 3 months ago. He sensed something was not right and sought help by just explaining to his doctor how he was feeling. He knew it was one of two things: 1. there was a physical reason for his mood, or 2. there was a mental reason for his mood. He was right on the money when he told his doctor that he was quite sure it was mental, not physical. He was dead on…!!! Within days of a minor increase in his medication he was back to his jovial self. Amazing really. So, do your self a favor and have a chat with your doctor. Please.
No suggestions, just encouragement - you POST about whatever you need. I am NOT rolling my eyes and wish I could help but know I can’t.
I am with The Absurdist on this one.
I take two different pills for this. Believe me it was WAY hard for me to accept that I needed help of any kind. Especially from a pill!
I was on these pills for a while when I decided that I felt a lot better so I surely didn’t need them anymore. So I weaned myself off of them. Week one went by and I felt GREAT. See I didn’t need them I thought. Week two came and it wasn’t so great. Was I so very weak that I couldn’t control my own emotions ( or anything else in my world). I felt anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc; I didn’t want to be a wife or a mother or a sister or a daughter. The thought of going off and being all alone sounded like the greatest plan in the world. ALONE!
Then I went and talked to my doctor and learned a whole lot more about what was going on with me. I also looked up a lot on the internet. When they say it is a chemical imbalance they are right. From what I learned, if I didn’t have a chemical imbalance the medication simply wouldn’t have worked. The fact that it DID work meant that there was something going on that I couldn’t control alone, no matter how hard I tried, or how much I thought I could.
Seriously, go to a doctor. It will be a hard step to take, trust me. In the end though it will be the right step.
to pnbzmom:
To my baby,
Whatever you need, my little one. Any time for as long as it takes.
Who is it who taught me about love that stays?
I love you.
You can’t right now, but you will eventually.
I feel for ya babe … been there, done that … where it feels like nothing will ever be right again.
But it will.
I say to myself ‘pull up your fucking socks and get on with it’.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
xoxoxox
Tragic how we can be in a crowd of people who have or are gone/going through the same thing, yet still feel very much alone. It never seems to get easier either, does it? I remember seeing the same crinkled brow on my wife for months before she left me behind. After 17 years you think you’ve gotten past those kinds of worries and risks, but I guess reality has its own agenda. Now I spend a lot of time trying to “forgive” and “accept” and be the best father I can be to the kids she left with me (not that I wouldn’t have spent my last breath fighting to keep them, cuz I would have). But sometimes it would be really nice to get together with a near total stranger; someone who’ll just get drunk with me and relay shared experiences.
In the meantime, one word: Lexapro.
t: I’m with you - no fucking clue which one to try either!
hellohahanarf: um, I think the best answer is “no, my husband isn’t trying to help.” But he’s got his own issues right now - the least of which being me, I’m sure.
avitable: so long as I don’t take the pills, right? ;-)
RW: how grown up is a 27 year old supposed to be? Really? I can’t seem to figure that out lately.
The Absurdist: thank you :)
themuttprincess: even with my new fancy schmancy eye cream?!?!
Geeky Tai-Tai: I’m trying to figure out if depression can be triggered by change, if it’s a situational thing - and therefore not “depression” in the clinical sense.
Maybe I needs me some couch time with Web MD.
rachel: thank you! :-)
pnbzmom: I think I could - and maybe should - write an entire post about all my fears revolving around the official big D.
Mom: I love you too. *cry*
Kelly: I always assumed Lexapro was a permanent solution, rather than an “in the mean time” thing?
I think that I should clarify something here… I started out writing my previous comment, but felt that my Way-Hot Husband is a better writer and could convey our thoughts more clearly, but it still ended up looking like giving you “advice”. I didn’t want that.
In my mind, though, my WHH is the most wonderful man in the world. I have followed him to the ends of the earth. After 30 years, I am still madly in love with him!
When I was alone with our small children, and he was gone all week long? I was irritated as hell at him, life, our situation, and all of the above! I felt and WAS completely alone, working a full-time job in Chicago, doing my best to take good care of our sons AND a good job for my employer.
Other than teen-years, you’re in the most difficult time of life, in my opinion. Your husband and you are trying to make a good life for each other and your children. Times are very hard these days — for us old farts, but even more so for young families.
I’ve had my own bouts of depression — it is “catchy”, and that sucks, but people need to be aware of that. If one person in a family of four is depressed, chances are that at least 1 other person will suffer the same.
Keep on blogging and getting the venom out of your system on the internets. You can say things here that you don’t have to worry about. You can’t take words back once they’re spoken to your family.
Well, my Scientology teachings won’t let me support anyone who takes medication. Praise Xenu!
You know you always have an ear here. Anytime.
Lexapro is not meant to be a forever medicine. It really is an in the mean time kind of thing. I was having a tough time and they thought it was just an imbalance of hormones so they put me on lexapro not telling me it is a temporary drug. Next time I’m in there telling them, ” umm are there any larger doses than twice the prescripted amount heh hehe heh?” Then they put me through the painful process of switching meds to a “permantant” anti-depressant.
I love Avitable and take most of his real advise well but I honestly think someone who is anti medicine for something like this really has not been where I’ve been chemically. *I say that instead of emotionally because it gets to the point where I could feel the -bad- coming on without any outside stimulation what so ever.*
I’m sure Avi would let you off of work to visit a doctor. Even if they do not give you medicine, because they may blow you off…it does happen…you should try, at least. In addition, most clinics have samples of lexapro. I don’t know why but everyone in every state that I know that have taken it say that they have not paid for it.
If money is an issue with prescriptions, please email me, I have a solution. No gimic. Or if you want to know ANYTHING about depression/anxiety or the medicines used to treat them. LET ME KNOW. babybeggs@yahoo.com or just im me on yahoo.
Nothing lasts forever.
Nothing is impossible.
It just takes a little longer.
*HUGS*
Britt, I’m not the awesomest person to give you advice about your husband right now, unless you want the advice that running away sounds like a very wonderful idea.
I know Adam’s a doctor, but he’s not that kind of doctor. Have him babysit the kids while you see an MD.
I think that the pepole who are telling you to talk to a doctor are on the money. I also think NYCWD is the smartest commenter her. Things can and do pass….. and it will not last forever IF you go to the doctor.
What do I know I just have a medical degree and an OCD, depressed. anxiety ridden Air Traffic Controlling husband. :thumbsup:
For everyone’s benefit, I’m not fucking anti-medication.
I’m against using medication as a crutch or as the first thing that people go to when they have issues.
Medication absolutely has its benefits. And I support the use of medication in many situations.
But too many people think that just because someone has an MD, they know what that medication is going to do to you. This is not true. Physicians are not always up on all of the studies, and sometimes they simply trust the sales brochures they get from pharmaceutical reps. Any usage of medication that is based on blind trust of your doctor is stupid.
That is all.
Yes.
you can.
Sorry you have to go through all the shit; I’ve been there.
((HUGS)) & prayers.
avi, i thought you were doing one hell of a great tom cruise impression with your praise xenu…
Hello, exactly! Now excuse me while I go build my underground bunker.
OK since I teach for one of the top Medical Schools in the nation (social skills not medicine) I feel I am possibly the most qualified person on this list to talk real concrete therapy that will work as a constant mood elevator.
Have you ever considered the therapeutic benefits of actually showing your boobs? If the fear of a co-worker/boss seeing them makes you feel uncomfortable, I understand and my personal Email address is attached to this reply for you benefit.
However, if you want to move on to more real IMPORTANT FUCKING PROBLEMS IN THE UNIVERSE…? I would really like to know how to post my pic in these replies.
Geeky Tai-Tai: well, for what it’s worth, I didn’t think “your” previous comment was too advicey either. :-)
avitable: pfft. You don’t believe in anything - alien form or otherwise!
AmyD: I know… assuming we can actually get a hold of one another for once!
Brandi: you may soon live to regret giving me your email. Again. Cuz i DID already have it, remember? (I still love that song…)
NYCWD: are you telling me some things do not come with an instant quick fix? Or at the very least, a step by step game plan that you can move through more quickly if necessary?
:confused:
(and HUGS back to you, too :love:)
Poppy: sooooo… you’re not going to share your frequent flier miles with me too?
SleepyNita: thank you, I appreciate the comment and the input. Really.
avitable: Liar.
Nice try. But I’m sorry. It’s too late to call of the Stoning Avitable Party.
Invitations have been sent.
Tug:
best
comment
yet
hellohahanarf: yeah, but the jumping on couches is getting a bit distracting.
avitable: pfft… you… building… HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
oh man, no, really
YOU… building… he he he… soooo funny
Y2K: your generosity leaves me speechless.
I feel better already.
(and also, I think it’s with gravatar.com - or some shit. I think.)
Even with fancy eye cream. Unless you buy tubes of it and use it all over your forhead and eyes. Maybe, just maybe then you can pull off then along with some hip shoes.
Hey! You know my number, and I know your husband…CALL ME!
OK OK OK I went to gravitar and I did the thing and added my Survivor Guy and now….?? If this don’t work I may need serious boobage viewing to get me over MY depression!
* Hug *. Sorry, make that at BIG *squeezing warm hug* with a nice, soft shoulder.
I found your blog through AA, that’s Adam Avitable not Alcohol Anonymous. I’ve been in your shoes and no matter how hard people try to make you feel better, it won’t work. Go see a doctor, this could be a temporary thing and an easy fix. Take care.
Mmmm… yeah. If you do have clinical depression, it won’t last forever… and its not impossible for you to be truly happen again… it just may take some time.
This is the sort of thing though where each individual has to be comfortable with how they deal with it in their own terms.
While personally I prefer not to medicate myself… there have been times when I’ve had to literally swallow the pill to get me through… so its really about how you would feel doing that… if that’s the right thing for you… unless of course it isn’t.
Hey Britt,
Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! You put into words (yet again) how I feel 90% of the time!! Nothing I say will make it better and I so wish that there was…all I can say is that I understand completely how you feel
Come with me to the next SPA trip nov 15th and 16th. That ought to help a little bit.
The martini back pack always goes with me…..
Just think…your life could be this bad…
http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=277813>1=7702 :whistle:
I find it heartwarming that you are Avitable’s favorite person after me, but feel kind of bad for his wife, because that means she is after both of us on his list.
I hope you feel better Britt!
I don’t even have any frequent flier miles. The last time I flew was post-Charley, pre-Katrina.
I think?
themuttprincess: whew! That’s EXACTLY what I do!
Kristin Fogle: and remember… my phone rings this way too. Any time.
Y2K: it can take a day or so.
Mrs RW:
Summer: but wouldn’t it be cool if the REAL AA was referring people to me?
NYCWD: this whole concept of “temporary” is new to me, and one I definitely need to look into more.
Janelle: well… maybe YOU should see a doctor and just tell me what he says.
Wicked H: do you not know it’s dangerous to invent an internet stalker to a spa trip? Because seriously… I will totally show up at your door with luggage in hand.
Dave2: :lmfao:
DeannaBanana: you have no idea how MUCH better I felt after lunch with you yesterday. Seriously.
Poppy: you know… I don’t have frequent flier miles either. And I fly all the time. WTF?
Are you my clone?
I’ve got no good answers, but as cheesey as it is, it does feel better to know I am not the only one who feels this way sometimes.
I’m also glad you took the time to write it all down, because when I’ve tried to… well; you are way more eloquent.
You’re not going to like this but….you are lucky you could write during this time. Really. Some find it difficult to form sentences.
I’ve only read two posts; hope to read about your recovery.