I have discovered something even better than masturbation.
Oh. Heh. Um. Let’s go back.
Avitable is adamant that I need to find time to masturbate.
Wait. Um. Perhaps we should go back a little further…
I’ve been stressed lately. Really. Really stressed. The muscles in my back and neck are permanently tense. My teeth are quickly becoming little nubs from the constant jaw clenching and teeth grinding. Over the last couple of days, I’ve felt the wave of anger and resentment swell up inside my chest to the point that at times it is difficult to breathe.
I’m not really sure why. I know it isn’t hormones. I know I have a laundry list of things I want to kill my husband for at the moment. But I don’t know why, exactly, the panic levels get so overwhelming.
I called Avitable last night and begged him to talk me off the ledge.
He suggested I masturbate. A smarter person would have first suggested I put down the sharp objects. Sometimes I think he’s just trying to prove that he really does have a penis.
Anyway, I quickly reminded him that I am never alone. Ever. In fact, I have not yet been alone in the new house for more than 15 minutes. And that was twice now. Thirty whole minutes of all by myself time. He of course began plotting various elaborate plans that would allow for me to find the time to… well… y’know. Obviously, they were mainly ridiculous and impossible and mostly ended with him listening outside a bathroom door.
But I digress.
This morning I found myself once again resisting the urge to kill someone.
I was breathing. In, out. In, hold, pheeeeeeeeeeeeew. Nope - still want to slap my husband.
I’m counting. I’m counting. 1…. 2…. 3-MOM! Wahhhh, I don’t WANNA WEAR A WHITE SHIRT!!
My breathing became less Yoga Ohm and more Transition Labor Hee Hee Heeeeeeee.
By the time I got in my car to begin the commute I was close to - well, I’m not sure what I was close to. Tears. Screaming. Homicidal road rage. Whatever it was, it was bad. Very bad.
And then I tried a new method. I put the e-brake on and the top down. I spent five minutes setting my iPod to the Prince play list and syncing it up with the stereo. I put my head back, lit a cigarette, and decided I’d call my mom at lunch instead. I need this time.
And I drove.
I blared Little Red Corvette and sang along at the top of my lungs, as a I darted in and out of traffic. I turned off the air and enjoyed the cool wind whip my hair and cool my arms. I must have turned the stereo up 10 times on the 45 minute drive in.
Within five minutes I felt the muscles in my face relax for the first time in hours. Days maybe. My breaths were deeper, and I could actually feel the oxygen getting all the way down into my lungs.
It felt so good. Soooo good. I know this is ridiculous, but I wonder what the hell I would do if I hadn’t bought that car. I can’t think of anything else right now that is able to soothe me, to actually relax me and shut down my brain, even for just 45 minutes.
Thank God for convertibles and Prince. And a morning commute.
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Awesome!!!
I KNOW how good that can feel because I tend to do it myself a few times a week. Well, every time I am in my car alone, I do.
I am so glad you got some relief! It’s VITAL.
September 26th, 2007 at 9:14 am
I completely know how you feel and you knowing me the way you do, you know that this isn’t typical of my to get all freaked out.
I have been so completely stressed, between the crap happening with the kids, the move and unpacking, and the fact that we are broke! I keep reminding myself that while I know if I were single I would have more money, but I dearly love this man and his kids and we will survive somehow….I know we weill this is what we call a speed bump in our life!
It does get better right!?
September 26th, 2007 at 9:26 am
That sounds like it’s out of a movie.
Driving and music always seems to be relaxing. I’m glad it helped.
September 26th, 2007 at 9:38 am
I still contend that a little finger-walking down memory lane will ease that pain.
September 26th, 2007 at 9:47 am
You really MUST have it bad. You just thanked God for your morning commute. We really do have to have that second get-together. And I’m sorry Avitable, but it has nothing to do with masturbation. Just sayin’
September 26th, 2007 at 9:50 am
You know sugar–you CAN combine the two.
September 26th, 2007 at 10:42 am
Hmmmm… personally I can’t imagine a car being better, but hey, you could always take care of “business” at the same time, right? Although you might get funny looks from the other drivers.
September 26th, 2007 at 10:50 am
You, of course, do realize that Little Red Corvette is not a song about a car don’t you…
September 26th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Anonymous: ok, this anonymous posting thing is starting to freak me out. :twitchy:
Kristin: a speed bump? Um. Yeah. Sure. That’s exactly what it is.
OR… maybe Thelma and Louise were on to something.
t: it does feel a little surreal and move like - in a good way, of course.
avitable: memory lane is littered with more frustration. And you know this, MAN.
DeannaBanana: I know. We must. Which is better for you - Friday or Saturday night?
(I’m so not even remotely fucking kidding D. Must call me!)
Turnbaby: between smoking, driving, cell phone and radio - I think I’m all out of hands.
Kelly: especially in a convertible. Oh dear God, I thought my singing and dancing was an interesting roadway show… LOL
RW: you mean, the “places where her horses run free” isn’t her garage? Or a stable?!
Well then, who the hell are all the “jockeys that had been before me”? :confused:
September 26th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Men don’t get that the whole masturbation thing doesn’t quite work the same for women.
September 26th, 2007 at 11:33 am
I think jammin’ out and enjoying the time by yourself is just what you need.
September 26th, 2007 at 11:52 am
now imagine that same feeling wile masturbating…. cuz I did notice you were alone in the car.
BTW I clicked the link from your guest post…. I can’t find the boobs
September 26th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Who needs hands ;-)
September 26th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Ever had anxiety issues? Sounds like you do now. At least worth a look at web md for the safety of those around you, if not for yourself.
Poor Avi, I too asked him to walk me off the ledge last night. Luckily (maybe) I did not get a responce. But I am fine now.
Physiologically, men do have chemical changes in their body when they masterbate. So its a good thing. I have yet to find proof for females though other than personal satisfaction. Although, that can’t hurt can it?
September 26th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Yeah, it works that way with motorcycles, too.
September 26th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
AmyD: you realize now Adam and I will be arguing about this all damn day.
themuttprincess: it is nice sometimes to just take that time alone - where ever you can get it.
y2k: i promise boobs and give you a discussion on masturbating. What more do you people want from me?!?!
Turnbaby: :confused:
Brandi: for safety reasons? Like, you think I really COULD kill someone?
Hm. May have to call up Dr. Google after all.
annie: Ooh! I thought of you yesterday! The people on the motorcycles get through rush hour SOOO much better!
But - I don’t know if I could handle a motorcycle. I’m little. And a weenie.
September 26th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
You make even a commute sound fun! Perhaps Bossy, who works from or near home, should get in her car and drive twenty miles into the thick of it - just for shits and giggles.
September 26th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I am so glad you found SOMETHING to use as an outlet for your stress.
I’ve found that masturbation does relieve stress-induced headaches. Maybe Avitable DOES have a point; other than he’s got a penis and a pervy mind (we could totally be friends, haha).
Anyway, I don’t know WHY it did that but on your last post, I was anonymous. I could have swore I typed in my information. But I did this time so hopefully it works.
Well, enjoy your evening commute back home! And remember to take time for yourself!
September 26th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Girl, you totally need to find a teenager to take your kids to the park for an hour at least once a week.
Otherwise, you’ll have to resort to masturbating at work, and you know that’s not safe.
September 26th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
You might consider a prescription for Lexapro.
September 26th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
I just masterbate while I drive. It’s fun and dangerous.
September 26th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
RE: Your question above: BOOBS!!!
Sheeesh!
September 27th, 2007 at 1:58 am
You mean you have discovered something even better than masturbation the way you do it…
September 27th, 2007 at 5:35 am
BOSSY: you work “at or near” home?
This explains your awesome posts. I’ve been trying to figure out how the FUCK you have time for those masterpieces!
Amber: welll hellO anonymous! he he he
DaisyJo: or I could shop. That’s always been my release anyway.
Nobody™: I know, I know…
ADW: you must not smoke
Y2K: LOL
Mr. Fabulous: well, yeah - cuz I don’t do it at all. That’s not a tough act to follow.
September 27th, 2007 at 8:42 am
I’m always amazed how mental stress can almost immediately translate into real-life physical pain. When I experience one of those Perfect Storms of Suck, I can feel my lower back turn to glass. Glad you got a little peace.
September 28th, 2007 at 6:04 am