As you may recall, I have somewhat of a Five Year Plan that includes decorating, weight loss, major shoe acquisition and World Domination.

I have come to refer to the first 20 some years I lived in Iowa as Phase 1 of the plan. Now that the droids are in place and ready for activation I am confident I have left my mark in the Midwest, it’s time to move on to Phase 2. Or, as you may call it, Florida.

Headquarters have been established and it is time to begin surveying the landscape, so to speak. The best way to dominate an opponent is, of course, to understand it.

Here is what I’ve learned so far about Florida:

Accents – I am going to have to become more proficient in understanding the language here. Or rather, the languages. Or, more specifically, the multitude of ways in which several languages can be bastardized.

So far, I have identified the native Head Injury dialect. This is, apparently, what happens to New Yorkers who move to Florida. I had heard a New York accent many times before moving here, but never quite like this. It is a mix all it’s own of New York and Florida that comes together to form a totally new way of speaking that sounds as if the speaker has a heavy tongue and a long history in a boxing ring.

I first encountered it in my electrician. I must admit, I was alarmed at first at the idea of this man fiddling with electrical outlets – would my home owner’s insurance cover him sticking his fingers in the light sockets?! However, it wasn’t long before I realized that the slurring and.. um… whatever the fuck else it was he was doing with the English language… was not a sign of his abilities or intelligence but merely my first encounter with the HIA (or Head Injury Accent as I refer to it within the security of HQ).

I-4 Traffic – this is not normal Big City Driving. If you tried to drive the speed limit on a Chicago Freeway you would be run off the road or pulled over by the authorities for being a danger on the road. Here? Not only do many people not drive OVER the speed limit, but a LARGE percentage of them drive well BELOW it. On the mutherfuckin’ FREEWAY!

What the bloody HELL people!?! This is not the scenic route to Disney. This is a freaking Intersate and the main road that regular commuters use to get to… well.. EVERY FUCKING WHERE! Move. Your. Ass.

No, this is not Big City driving at all. This? Is retardation en masse and on wheels.

Air Conditioning – I mean, duh. I knew there would be air conditioning. And it is definitely, absolutely, necessary. But holy hell people – we moved here for the WEATHER and the WARMTH! I had to go to work in jeans and a long sleeve hoodie today!

I am confident that in order for me to take over this part of the world I am going to have to learn how to dress in such a way that I can acquire something resembling in a tan without freezing my ass off all day. Hmmm…. the conundrum.

ANYway, that’s a start. Learn the language, dominate the road, and figure out how to combat the freezing temperatures in the South.

Next up? Maneuvering the ridiculousness that is the Florida School System.

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