So…. are you all getting sick of my move yet?
It’s OK. I know, I know. No, no, don’t try to tell me you’re still here - I can see you all fleeing from the scene on my stats. Fuckers.
ANYway, I’m slowly developing a plan of attack.
Yes, sure, it would probably be good for me to just relax, be patient, understand that this will take time and go with the flow.
It would also be helpful for me to grow another set of hands, and that’s probably more likely.
So, my Plan…
- Get house cleaner. I’m having a hard time coping with the idea of this being a ridiculously frivolous expense and the fact that I’m not quite sure what our budget/finances are going to be like just yet (I mean, obviously I think everything will be fine or I wouldn’t have made the move - but I don’t know exact amounts, etc. etc. - which kind of freaks my anal ass out). But I also don’t see me getting through the next two weeks without some help in the damn house. Real help. CAPABLE fucking help. And saying you washed the bathroom and got “everything except the toilet and the floor” cleaned… well… sweetie… that’s just not going to cut it.
- Spend days off doing kid friendly stuff. My mom has some saying about teaching a pig to sing and getting your shoes muddy and pissing off the pig - or something. I think that applies to taking the kids shopping. Or antiquing. Or on an 8 hour errand run. New plan of attack is kid friendly, play heavy, and short “errand” trips when necessary on the weekends.
- Take gross advantage of the Avitables’ generosity and my husband’s time at home. There is still a need for long errands and elaborate, kid-free shopping. Especially when you have a 50% larger house that remains basically empty and undecorated (except for that one beautiful picture that has been hung perfectly centered - using a measuring thingie and EVERYTHING!!!). So, if someone says “listen, I’ll sit with the kids for a few hours” - I’m going to let them. If the husband is home and I have time, I’m not going to feel bad about going out to get some things done. He’ll survive and so will I with a few minutes less of “quality watching TV together” time.
- Speaking of guilt - it’s time for Saint Britt to take a break. I hate asking for help. I will only except help if it is forced upon me. If you say “how can I help?” or “can I do this?” I will undoubtedly tell you that I am fine and there’s nothing even if I am hanging on by my fingernails. That kind of “nobility” and “retardedness” is going to kill me. I am going to try really, really hard to let go of my raging fears of being an inconvenience or a weakling. For at least a couple weeks. Or, you know, a good stretch of days. Hopefully. Maybe.
- Get my happy ass to a Church. Every time I think that I’ll never find anyone like me - someone with kids who also likes to let loose once and a while and have a good time - I smack myself in that “you shoulda had a V-8″ way. I’m Catholic. Church is a gold mine for partying parents when you’re Catholic.
The final part of The Plan involves a hobby - but I haven’t the slightest fucking idea what kind of “interests” or “hobbies” I have.
Do you think there’s a Craigslist group for Aggressive Midget Shoppers?
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sigh.
“Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wears you out and annoys the pig.”
I like the Plan, baby, especially the house cleaning one. Pffft about the expenses. What else do you have to spend money on right now anyway!!!!
August 28th, 2007 at 9:01 am
Sigh.
Siggggghhhhhhhhh………
I’ll sit with the kids for a few hours whenever you need.
But only because I
you.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:03 am
I knew it wouldn’t take you long, whining just pisses you off, doesn’t it? Even when what you’re upset about would wear out two standard-issue human beings.
You aren’t weak, you are delegating the ‘little things’ so you have time and energy to focus on the tasks that require your Wonder Woman (in a tiny package) superpowers! Now if you could get your hands on that invisible plane, your commuting problems would be over! Actually that lasso thing could really help with the kids, too.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:29 am
Surely Mr. Avitable knows SOMEONE who cleans house (though I’m fairly sure that someone will be a hot chick half naked, but who cares what she wears as long as the job’s done right). Heck, hire your errands out to someone too. Then your few spare minutes of you time can be spent shopping.
As for a hobby.. DUH.. it’s right under your nose. SHOPPING. It’s not only a hobby, it’s an art form.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:43 am
You’ll be fine. In five months Florida will be bent to your will.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Having a house cleaner is a necessity!!!
August 28th, 2007 at 9:59 am
So…is there anything I can do for you?
August 28th, 2007 at 10:01 am
I hear blogging is a great hobby.
Though I also hear that Avitable loves doing housework, and would undoubtedly love to clean your bathroom…
August 28th, 2007 at 10:17 am
Mom & Avitable: it disturbs me that you both start your comments with “sigh”
Mom: re: stuff to spend money on right now… tell me you’re fucking with me.
And re: the pig.. yeah, that’s what I said!
avitable: and because you’re trying to train my son to install hidden cameras in my house. I know.
Annie: whining pisses me off because it often leads to crying. And I’m an ugly crier.
Lin: he does know someone, but I’m not comfortable leaving an under aged prostitute alone in my house.
RW: read “yeah, ok, enough with the Moving Is So Hard posts”. I got it.
Turnbaby: are personal masseuses a necessity also? I hope so…
Mr. Fab: yes, actually… see response to Turnbaby for further details.
Dave2: blogging is a great hobby. But I was thinking more along the lines of something that would get me drunk and possibly naked.
Wait…
August 28th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Oh honey. I don’t even work half as hard as you do and I’ve had someone to clean here for ages now.
Granted it’s my mother and she needed the money, but you won’t believe how much better you feel!
#4. OMG. Are you me?
Who’s Older? As much as it will pain you, accept some help. You can do it! Like you said, even for a week or two, the weight off your shoulders will help how you feel as much as having someone else scrub the toilets!
August 28th, 2007 at 10:56 am
I think RW is right. In a few months you will OWN Florida.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:04 am
a) avi copied me
b) I’m just saying. Since you don’t have TIME for shopping,manicures and other expenditures right now anyway…
c) when in the hell is a normal woman supposed to clean the toilets etc anyway!!!!
August 28th, 2007 at 11:36 am
d) do NOT leave those kids with avi!!!!!!!
August 28th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Fogspinner: have I given the impression that I work hard?
Now I feel bad. I am totally a slacker. I swear.
themuttprincess: oooh - I hope it’s the beachside and not the ghettos.
Mom: you do realize now I am going to have to spend the next 6 hours listening to “What did you tell your mother about me?!?!”
August 28th, 2007 at 11:49 am
Oh, that was done before you moved in. And what did you tell your mother about me?
August 28th, 2007 at 11:50 am
Well, at least you have a game plan. That always makes me feel more in charge and productive. BTW, your mother is a freaking genius.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:52 am
got “everything except the toilet and the floor” cleaned
So he wiped the counter,took the spray of toothpaste off the mirror and cleaned his wiskers outta the sink?
Damn girl my husband cleans like this too, I also am looking for a cleaning lady one a week.
August 28th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
I do nakid house cleaning
August 28th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
This is a nobel list. Bossy has similar, minus the cleaning, kid-friendly, church part. And no Avitables. Other than that…
August 28th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
You are so far from me, yet I cannot shake the feeling that I want to help. You’ll get it all figured out and won’t need anyone, I’m sure.
How about your new house cleaner be your new hobby. Have a latin male in short shorts cleaning and bending and scrubbing. Your part of the bargain would be that this is dress-up Britt time. Make your best modern Marilyn Monroe/Desparate Housewives attempt while lounging and sipping mojitos or something.
” So what did you choose as a hobby?”
” Cleaning.”
” That’s no hobby. ”
” I’m not the one cleaning, no no but I swear, I perfected it.”
August 28th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
avitable: the URL to your blog.
Apparently that was enough.
AmyD: tell me again how two controlling as bitches such as ourselves are able to be friends?
SleepyNita: yes, sans wiping off the mirror, yes.
Father Bob: um, do you also tootur my skool aged child?
BOSSY: we are so in sync!
August 28th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
We drink… a lot.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Is it just me or do I sound like a freaking alcoholic these days?
Wait… I’m not an alcoholic - those fuckers go to meetings. And, dammit, I’m no quitter!!!
August 28th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
“Aggressive Midget Shoppers.” So is that:
a) midgets who shop aggressively
b) people who aggressively shop for midgets
or
c) people who shop for aggressive midgets?
Also, is there a Craigslist group to support those impacted by Aggressive Midget Shoppers, like an AA/Alanon kind of thing?
August 28th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Joe, it’s called “Americans Disgusted by Aggressive Midget Shoppers” aka ADAMS.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Brandi: awwwww, that’s so sweet… I LOVE latinos in boy shorts!
AmyD: sadly, I haven’t drank much at all since the move.
(which clearly makes me more stable than you. :nana:)
Joefish: that would be A.
And by “impacted” do you mean trampled?
August 28th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
I’d offer to sit with your kids, but the courts in Florida say I’m not allowed to anymore, those uptight bitches.
August 28th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
avitable: why do you hate me?
Kelly: so, then, I should get a discount, right?
August 28th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Yeah, well ya gotta start somewhere… Even if it is the ghettos…. Then you can just work your way up to the beach. Plus, if I remember correctly there is some beach in some ghetto down there…… Just sayin’!
August 28th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I just want to point out… along the lines of Dave’s suggestion… that blogging and vlogging are great hobbies… especially when your drunk and upload your stuff to YouPorn. :thumbsup:
August 28th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
How cool is your mom anyway?
August 28th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I’ll come sit with your kids if you pay my plane fare.
You do have duct tape don’t you? If not, could you pick some up before I get there? That’d be great.
August 29th, 2007 at 3:05 am
themuttprincess: starting somewhere… is that like… paying your dues or something? :what:
NYCWD: LOL, isn’t that a FREE site? I’m not showing my boobs to anyone for FREE.
Kristi: yeah, she has her moments. ;-)
Kentucky Girl: hmmm…. plane fare… how long will you be staying?
August 29th, 2007 at 8:49 am
I LUV the part where you take advantage of Avi! Can I help?
August 29th, 2007 at 9:09 am
It sounds like a great plan to me. I would watch your kids. You would have to get them to Indiana though.
And obviously, your hobbies are shopping, blogging, and collecting shoes. I have been reading long enough to figure that out.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Dutchy: yes, please bring the chains
Lynda: are there networking groups built around those?
August 29th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Well, the networking groups for shoe collections and shopping, I assume, would be at the mall.
And blogging…you got your networking group. :whistle:
Seriously, though, if you want to network, you might look into your city’s recreation programs. I know in Indianapolis you can learn pottery, fencing, belly dancing, or pretty much anything. They have stuff for the kids and many times you can find the program online. Most of the time, it doesn’t cost that much either.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Oooh… belly dancing. Now that’s something I could get into!
August 29th, 2007 at 11:12 am
I TOLD RW that if I didn’t get a cleaning lady I wouldn’t host Christmas ANYMORE and you don’t KNOW bitch queen until you’ve lived with me the week before Christmas! I actually hired her last October because as everyone knows, you just can’t get someone to come and clean the week before Christmas, you have to be a “regular”.
When RW lost his job I told him I’d give up food before I’d give up Margaret. There is nothing better than walking into a clean house smelling like PineSol…
That said, today I cleaned my daughter’s house. Her basement flooded 2 days before she was leaving for Scotland with hubby and Princess Granddaughter to visit the in-laws and she was up 2 days straight sucking water out of her new basement family room carpet, doing laundry so they’d have clean clothes for the trip and losing her mind in the process.
Get a cleaning lady, already! I’m sure Florida has people who do this. Avoid “cleaning services”. I called one once and they sent someone who told me she had a bad back and for my $95 would only be able to vacuum, dust and clean the bathrooms. Shit, for that kind of money I wanted the baseboards detailed. Find someone who wants to work for cash - ask around. Once you get over your midwestern work ethic (no slur, I was the same way), you’ll wonder how you existed without one!
August 30th, 2007 at 11:17 pm
Mrs. RW: see, this is why I love you.
And yeah, it’s that whole “work ethic” thing. You feel like you’re being frivolous and lazy and just not a Good Wife if you get a housecleaner!!
But… my in-laws live far enough away… maybe I can let that go a little. ;-)
August 31st, 2007 at 8:43 am