Yes, I’m back.  Finally.  And I’m so damn excited I could about pee myself.  But then I would lose all credibility for today’s WWMBD Question…

Hi Miss Britt!

Goes without saying that I love your writing…though I guess I just said it. Okay, this is totally an embarrassing question, but you’re the one to ask. Feel free to leave off my name, or don’t, everyone knows I’m a giant dork anyway. Okay, here it is: how can I be sexy? Like, what’s the protocol? I mean, come on, you’re sex on legs in the best way. I am …not.

Miss the Not Sexy

Um, wow.  Can I just take a minute to revel in the wonderfulness that is this email?  It’s a little hard to revel when I’m working so hard to block out the irony because…

a) my husband once told me when he was younger and more stupid that I was “cute”, but that I would never be “beautiful”.  Of course he has had to perform copious amounts of yard work over the last seven years because of that comment – but still.  It is generally accepted that while I may have the Meg Ryan act down, I aint got nuthin’ on Angeline Holie. (not a typo, woman is a home wreckin’ ho – but anyway…)

and b) I often refer to Prince as “sex on legs”.  So it makes me giggle a little to see those words used in reference to me.  And also quiver, just a little.  At the thought.  Of, you know, him.

Ahem.  So.  Anyway.  Back to you.  And how I can help you.

First rule of sexy?  Thou shalt not mock lame ass magazines.  Seriously.

And not just because they’re right with their half ass attempts at telling you that “confidence is sexy” – in their articles that are illustrated with size 0 seventeen year old “women”.

You see, those lame ass magazines are brilliant for inspiration.  Specifically, the key to sexiness (aside from confidence and blah blah blah) is Inspiration for Imitation.

My mom is always asking me how I do “it”.  How do I pull it all together?  How did I do that to my hair?  How did I come up with that outfit and those accessories and yada yada yada.  And the answer is always the same:  I saw it, I studied it, I tried it in the mirror.  And then I fucked with “it” alot until I got it basically right.

I read blogs, I glance through magazines when I’m waiting at the salon, and mostly (this is really my secret weapon) I study women like a lonely lesbian.  When I see someone or something that I find particularly glamorous, or sexy, or whatever, I really study it.  I analyze it and pick it apart and try to notice the details.

I notice that her highlights are actually multiple colors.

I make note of the blogger her mentions that she uses eyeliner and fake lashes mostly on the outer half of her lids.

I notice that Jennifer Anniston once wore a pony tail on the red carpet – with a messy tail and a full crown and a few stray pieces in the front.

I notice that the women at the Ritz have sequins and/or kitten heels on their sandals – which is what separates their “footwear” from my “flip flops”.

And I realize that the key to any good “look” is just that – A Look.  Whether it’s shabby chic or glitzy glam, you do it all the way – from head to toe to wrists and ankles if called for.

Oh, and here’s the other thing that really makes all this “imitation” actually work.  You have to look for people who are kind of like you.

For example, I am short, curvy, blonde and I have insanely curly hair.  I spent a lot of my early teen years trying to model tall lanky women with long straight hair.  And it left me feeling really, really frustrated and completely inept.  When I was about 16 I started to notice that there were some really gorgeous women with super curly hair.  And they didn’t try to cover it up – they made it work.

Find realistic role models.  Do you have curly hair?  Are you tall?  Do you have ridiculously long legs or incredible cheek bones?  There is someone out there right now with features and strengths and “weaknesses” similar to yours that is already rockin’ it.  Focus on those women, and let go of the torturous idea of becoming something that is genetically impossible.

God this sounds really lame all of a sudden. I basically just wrote like 8 paragraphs about being a copy cat.  And you asked me how to be sexy?

Baby, the bottom line is: work it.  Make the effort and make it all the way.   BE sexy.  Own it. Work it.  Have fun with it.  Figure out what you find sexy and make it yours.  And don’t let people tell you that it’s stupid to wear make up to the grocery store or french tips to a garage sale if that makes you feel sexy.

Because in the end those magazines really do get that part right.  When you feel sexy, you become sexy.  They just forget to tell you that sometimes learning how to properly use pomade and accessorizing with earrings just like the ones you saw your favorite Soap star wear is a pretty damn good start to the “feeling” part.

I feel like I should try to end this on some really inspiration, pro woman power note.  So, um, hmm, yeah, uh….

vagina.

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