Hey Britt,
First of all, please let me start off by saying that I read your blog
daily, and love it!! You are very intelligent, but at the same time, you
aren’t boring. Some of your posts make me laugh hysterically, and others
make me think. I love that! (this is smart, before you ask me for advice it is always good to butter me up. In fact, if you’re going to start a conversation with me in general, start with showering me with praise)
Now, to the dilemma that I’m facing:
I believe that my mother is suffering from some sort of major depressive
disorder (bipolar disorder), or something. She won’t clean her house, do
her laundry, take a shower, or anything that has to do with cleanliness at
all. It is so bad that when my husband and I go to visit her, I have to
leave two days earlier than I would normally, just to get the house clean
enough to stay in. I also take my own air mattress and sheets, even
though there is an extra bed.
Usually when I get to her house, there is not a clean dish in the house.
Literally. There are dishes piled high all over the counters and in the
sink with food stuck on them, and gnats everywhere. The bathroom sinks
are layered with dust and I don’t know what else, and there are usually
15-35 loads of laundry to be done.
When she gives me a hug, it literally makes me want to gag. (My husband
does gag.) I recently returned home from taking care of her for three
weeks (she had knee surgery), and she refused to shower or bathe at all
the whole time that I was there. No matter what I did or said, I could
not get her to get a bath. She only changed her clothes three times while
I was there…even though I begged her to change them so that I could wash
the ones that she was wearing.
I have begged her to talk to a counselor, or doctor, or priest- anyone
that can help her, but she refuses, saying that she is not in need of any
mental health help, she is just tired. I have tried everything that I
know to get her help, but I am nearing the end of my rope.
While my house is not spotless, it is clean. The dishes and laundry stay
done, and I bathe every single day. Every.Day. Period. I am not sure
what to do to get her help, but I know that I should not have to clean her
house and beg her to bathe, just so that I can live through a visit at her
house.
What would you do to convince her that the way that she is living is not
healthy, and that she needs help?
Thanks in Advance,
The Daughter
Dear Daughter,
Depression sucks. God how it sucks. I have seen it up close and personal and have been absolutely petrified that it was coming up in my own head every time I have a mood swing. I have a family history and those cheesy ass commercials aren’t kidding when they say Depression Hurts.
As you have already seen first hand, depression can be literally debilitating. Whatever your mother is going through is having a serious effect on her quality of life.
The absolute worst thing you can do for a depressed person is to tell them to “snap out of it” - which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing. The problem here is that depression saps your will - your will to get up, to get out, and to seek help. You are literally just too fucking tired and overwhelmed to even think about where to start fixing the problem.
As you’ve already suggested - she needs help, from someone besides you.
I’d like to tell you that she’s a grown woman with her own life and so are you and at some point it’s just not your problem. But… I just can’t. She’s your mom. And if you knew your mom had cancer you wouldn’t just sit idly by and watch her wither away. You’d do everything you could to get her care.
Understand that this is the same thing. She. Needs. Help. Medical help.
Now - here is where my All By Myself Wisdom ends and The Infinite Wisdom Of Google Begins…
1. Try explaining to her that she is showing some symptoms of depression - and point out that that is a TREATABLE condition. Bring her a list, a pamphlet, something she can look at and go “oh, other people feel like this too?” and “oh, shit, there may be a light at the end of this tunnel”
2. Empathize the best you can. Show her you care about what she’s feeling. While you can’t fully understand, having a safe place to put all those emotions she’s being bogged down with without judgement can help her to get to a place where she can at least reach out.
3. Talk to her about what this is doing to your relationship with her. Be upfront with her about how this makes it hard for you to visit, etc.
4. Start with her regular physician. This may not be as scary or as overwhelming to her, and a physician can actually provide quite a bit of medical support for depression. She doesn’t have to go to a “shrink” to “get help”.
The bottom line here babe is that there is no quick and easy fix for this. Get yourself a kick ass support system, because you are going to need it or you will get sucked dry. This is a long road, and you’re going to need several places to refuel. Get yourself some back up - family, friends, other people who care about your mom who can help you in talking to her over and over and over again if need be. If it can be avoided, do not take this on all by yourself.
Fuck. This one was hard. I’m kind of.. uh.. depressed now.
And I suppose it would be terribly insensitive now to tell you that I need a drink after all of this?
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Well, this is an excellent start to my day! Why do I read your blog first thing in the morning again?
June 11th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Yeah, I know - sheesh, right?!
June 11th, 2007 at 8:23 am
Excellent advice Britt.
I’ve had my battles with mild depression, and it is SO hard to get yourself out of it.
But I bet it’s even worse to be the loved one of someone suffering from it.
I wish the Daughter the best of luck!
June 11th, 2007 at 9:36 am
I bet the daughter could use a drink too. You always give great advice. As the person before me said “Best of luck to the daughter!”.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Shiiiiiiiit we’re all serious now. OK OK… depression is most often a chemical imbalance blah blah blah and no more a reason to be embarrassed over the condition as one would be to having a cold blah blah I suffer from the seasonal wank (S.A.D.) blah and even that can seriously hurt other folks.
I for one was glad someone mentioned stuff to me when I needed it most. A lot of times people that are depressed really DO need someone to mention it - it may be confirming something she even suspects on her own but never admitted.
You can start out by talking about your friends that are on meds.
Quite obviously there’s a lot of fuckers like us around these here parts. Blah blah blah.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:26 am
Forgot to say - “as a way of broaching the subject again”, that is.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:33 am
Wow - I’m with Avi. Sheesh.
On the other hand, hope your advice helps.
June 11th, 2007 at 10:45 am
some helpful ideas for depression:
you have to be still inside
hear your voice
get in the sun
move your body
breathe
I know it is not her that has depression
it’s her mother, but…..
maybe she could invite her mom on a walk
or to enjoy a glass of tea out in the sunshine
June 11th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I think a drink after that great post is deserved.
June 11th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Sage advice Brittski. I am sure it was of great comfort. If you are unable, then I will mix up an extra 2 martini’s for consumption on my deck this evening.
It’s the least I can do…
June 11th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
There’s such a crappy stigma about depression, anxiety, etc. I agree - more often than anything it’s a chemical thing and meds can make a dramatic difference. And so can being out in the sun, moving your body - all of which is too much to even contemplate when you’re really depressed.
Great advice, peanut. Make sure the daughter takes care to take care of HERSELF in all this, or she could drown.
XOXOXOXO
June 11th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Really good advice, Britt. I appreciate that you relayed the “Depression Hurts” message but that it’s treatable if the person who is depressed will reach out for help.
June 11th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Sheesh… I go away for a week, and this is what happens? Lord.
June 11th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Holy crap. I left mid-post and made myself a double and slammed it down before I finished reading it.
Seriously, good luck to the daughter who is trying to help someone she obviously loves.
June 11th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Depression really does hurt more than just the depressed person. As I was reading what the daughter said, I was thinking she should contact whichever doctor is handling the knee issue. He may be able to contact the mom’s gp, or contact a social service agency that can reach out to her & go to her home.
I don’t think the daughter telling mom how difficult it is to visit is a good idea right now. The mom is already really depressed & hearing that may clarify the mom’s idea that she’s a burden on others, which is pretty common for a depressed person to think.
The pamphlet stuff is a great idea, so is asking her to go for a walk. A lot of it has to do with presentation.
This was a heavy subject to take on Britt. I can only imagine how thankful the daughter will be that you took her serious & offered legit. suggestions. You rock girlfriend! (I hope that’s not too 80ish)
June 12th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Britt, you are really great. Helping others is a good habit. It is true if we help others then we get help from others in our critical situation. God helps you. Thanks
-Nadal-
Dual Diagnosis
Dual Diagnosis
June 20th, 2008 at 8:34 am