I’m sorry I haven’t posted on time. Today’s excuse is: putridness.
No. Really. That’s totally a valid excuse.
You see, I am down to the last of my Projects That Must Be Done In Order To Officially Put House #2 On The Market. The basement, or, as I’ve come to call it - A Convenient Entrance To Hell.
I have a cement shower that needs to be scrubbed down and repainted, as well as multiple walls with those orange streaks that scream “WE’VE HAD WATER LEAK HERE!!! AND THE CURRENT OWNERS ARE NASTY NON-CLEAN PEOPLE!!” See. Screaming. With caps lock and everything.
Last night I tried to send myself into a relaxing coma by shooting bleach water straight up my nose. Which, of course, wouldn’t necessarily be coma-inducing were it not for the bleach fumes that I was clam baking in for oh, roughly, two or three hours.
I had to wash my contacts out three times before I could put them back in this morning.
This morning I trot my happy ass downstairs bright and early at 7:30, determined to get the shower painted before work/kids/husband/shitstorm. In order to paint a cement shower in the basement and have it not - ya know - wash off, you have to use a special waterproofing somethingy or ‘nother kind of paint. At least, I hope to hell the point of this is so that it doesn’t wash off. Or someone will die. Seriously.
ANYway, I’m clam baking painting away in the little shower stall when I suddenly find myself having horrific flashbacks of the zoo. I hate the zoo. Hate, hate, hate, hate loathe the zoo. So, suddenly finding myself daydreaming about the zoo is a little - well - odd.
I stopped for a minute to take my vitals, knowing that if I slipped into that coma now, I’d have to lay on the basement floor for a good 8 hours before anyone found me. I noticed the smell in the air had changed. It was no longer that pool shower smell of bleach and chlorine and insane sanitation. This was… sniff, sniff…. different…
Dear, God, BAM! It hit me. The fucking zoo flashbacks were coming from the smell. Apparently they turn regular paint into super duper waterproofing paint by infusing it with hippo piss and monkey poo. Because I shit you not my basement smelled EXACTLY like the large animal house at the zoo. Not like urine or manure or anything exactly, except for the large animal house at the zoo. That. EXACTLY.
It was awful. Absolutely awful. I began painting more quickly and breathing less deeply in an effort to spare a few of my.. uh… smelly bits or whatever.
And then, just as I was finishing up the first coat… the cherry on the muther fuckin’ ass cream sundae.
Someone farted. Like, bad farted. Like… coffee in the morning and this is your first fart since… farted.
I threw down my brush in defeat and shrieked, “that is it! I am DONE! A girl can only be expected to take so. fucking. much! And YOU have just pushed me over the edge!”
I stormed outside to enjoy the fresh air, smoke a cigarette, and fume with indignation over the absolute horror of it all.
Honestly. I have never been so disgusted with myself.
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And this, of course, being a great story to hide from the next owners…
June 29th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
you had me at the “when it rains, it shits or something”
thanks for the friday smile. at your expense.
June 29th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Oh honey, that’s freakin’ awful. If I lived nearby I would TOTALLY be there painting, panting and even smoking with you - right now.
The fucking profit off of this house better be worth it or I am personally going to go find someone to hold responsible and pummel them about the head with your used paint brushes.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
I love the part about enjoying fresh air and smoking.
And, by the way, girls don’t fart, okay? They have the vapors.
And you know that whole job offer thing? If you’re going to be noxious, I might have to reconsider . . .
June 29th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I am so in love with you it’s not even funny. This post just made you that much HOTTER!
Thanks for the laughs!
(I kinda don’t want you to sell this house because the posts resulting in your ownership of two homes are priceless! K, I’ll shut up now)
June 29th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Two to three hours? For some reason I assumed bleaching your hair took less time than that.
June 29th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Okay not to laugh at your misfortune or anything but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am so sorry that your day started off smelling so shitty!
June 29th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
For your fart to overpower ZOO smells it would have to be super impressive.
Way to go!!!
June 29th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
June 29th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
That’s why you only show potential buyers the place in a certain light. Let them figure it out when you’re long gone.
I’ve been hustled like that before.
June 29th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Thanks for the laugh! :thumbsup:
June 29th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
I hate painting :violent006:
And yes, paint does smell like the large animal house. I don’t know why that is. I think the bastards at the paint store piss in it.
June 29th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
RW: but we didn’t LEAVE the mess - so that’s a plus, right??
hellohahanarf: happy to give of myself. Again.
AmyD: you’re so hot when you get violently loyal
avitable: my husband is plotting your death should you back out at this point. Just, FYI.
Jay: LOL - I haven’t bleached my hair since college. One go round as a scarecrow is enough for me.
debkitty: that’s ok, YOUR BOOBS ARE GOING TO SAG!!!
themuttprincess: “impressive” - I love your spin
Mom: even just seeing the word in print cracks you up, eh?
Mist 1: yeah, me too in my first house - I’m trying to set my home owner karma right! lol
Sarcastica: ‘melcome!
Nobody™ : not ALL paint though - just this waterproofing shit.
June 30th, 2007 at 7:15 am
I don’t even know what to say. High-intensity olifactory crappity crap. TENSE!
Me, I gotta go bake a layer cake.
You have a timeline for posting?
June 30th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Bwaahahahahahaaaaaa. Well, Zoo smell was there already. I am sure one big fat wet fart didn’t make much of a difference anymore… Right?
June 30th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Ok, like, when you say “clam baking” do you mean that only your nether regions are warm or is it the rest of you as well?
Good luck with the house. If all else fails you can just offer to a free blow job to the first person to make a reasonable offer. Worked for me.
June 30th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
“someone” farted? hmph …where i’m from whoever painted, tainted
great title
July 1st, 2007 at 10:36 am
so who farted? cuz I know it wasn’t you. girls don’t fart! it was the dog; right?
July 1st, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Love the look of your blog! Very cute.
I’ll be back.
July 1st, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Rich | Championable: well, M-F I try to have something up first thing in the morning.
Who you callin’ anal?? lol
DutchBitch: oh no, a difference was most definitely made
QofD: really?? where do i sign up?
The Assimilated Negro: ROTFLMAO I’ll have to remember that one
webmiztris: damn, I need to get a dog
Humor Girl: do you say that in The Terminator voice like I imagine?
Thanks!
July 1st, 2007 at 10:58 pm
Sam: didn’t mean to ignore you - you were caught in the Whore Filter!!
Sorry! And.. um.. please now go bite your tongue. Thanks. :-)
July 1st, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Damn whore filter gets me every time.
Bastards.
Still love you!
July 2nd, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Holy hell, my kids want to go to the zoo before school starts back..now all I’ll think about is your damn fart!
July 3rd, 2007 at 7:47 am
MY fart?!?!
Pfft.
July 3rd, 2007 at 8:57 am
Pfft - isn’t that what it sounded like?
:lmfao:
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:04 am