An open letter to the person who recently said they wanted my life…

and to anyone else who would like to trade places with me because my life is so “cool” and “glamorous” and I “fucking rock your socks” and really, it “must be nice”:

Take it. As is.
You can have my humor.

You can have my traffic.

You can have my curls and my boobs, saggy and shrunken as they may be, and my blonde curls and blue eyes.

You can have my fabulous shoe collection.

You can even have my beloved and oh so cool Internet friends.

You can also have my husband who repeatedly takes me for granted, my two kids who want to play with daddy because he’s “fun” and my boss who is always, always pushing for more.

All of this is being offered As Is, no warranty, no refund policy. I will, however, kindly provide you with an Owner’s Manual and List of Rules for Living My Life.

1. You are in charge. Always. You get to make the rules and all major decisions. Hell, you even get to be responsible for most of the minor decisions like “do we need to get milk?”

2. Because you make all the rules, you must also enforce them. All of them. You are the sole disciplinarian when it comes to the kids. You think something like a “deadline” or “due date” or “doctor’s appointment” is a big deal? Then it’s up to you to make sure you - and everyone else - meets them.

3. Because you are in charge of the major decisions, you are also responsible for the outcome. Particularly the bad ones. If something doesn’t go as planned, you must brace yourself for the reprecussions - including the bitching and berating. And when you make a stellar decision and flex your wits and your resources to move mountains? Well, that’s just part of The Job. Yay for you. Get used to telling yourself that, because few other people will.

4. There will be times when you get sick and fucking tired of being in charge and will long desperately for the freedom to go to work, do your time, come home and relax or just fucking do what you’re told. Too bad. Suck it up. When you look around frantically for someone else to hold the whole fucking world up for just one minute you will be reminded… it’s. on. you.

5. You are not A Girl. You may look like a girl, sort of talk like a girl, and in most anatomical ways be a Girl. But do not be fooled. You are, after all, a Warrior Fucking Princess. So you will be expected to lift and carry and work your ass of if need be. You wanted independence? You want to be strong? Then don’t expect frivolous extras like having doors held open or tabs picked up or heavy lifting done for you. When landscaping needs to be done and furniture needs to be moved, remember - You’re. In. Charge. And that shit is included in the contract.

6. You can handle it. All of it. Any of it. Someone hurts your feelings? Don’t expect a white knight to come riding to the rescue. Because YOU can take care of yourself. You’re confused and scared and feeling indecisive? Don’t expect a confident “it will all be OK”. Because YOU can figure things out. You’re exhausted and cranky and just need to escape? Don’t expect a pat on the rear as you’re set up to a warm bubble bath. Because YOU can suck it up and be on top of your game. At. All. Times.

And the most important rule to remember:
**You Are Strong. You Are Never Weak. You must always, always, always be Perfect. You’re capable of producing at a higher standard - and that is what will be expected of you. From everyone. At all times. They’re counting on you - all of them. To carry them through. To push them forward. To hold them together. To hold All Of It together.

I appreciate your interest in My Life and hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

Although, now that I think about it…

I’m keeping the fucking shoes.

Psst... thanks for stopping by! I hope I didn't traumatize you too badly on your first visit. Remember to subscribe to my RSS feed if you want updates from the site!

Posted in Love and Marriage