Dear 18 year old Miss Britt,
Wear a condom.
Seriously.
I don’t care how drunk you are. I don’t care how sweet he is.
And seriously? Your plan to “save money” by getting off the pill? You’re a fucking retard. Fuck. Get your ass out of the bar, off the pot, and back into class.
XOXO
Older and Wiser Miss Britt
—————————–
Dear 19 year old Miss Britt,
I know you’re looking at that baby and wondering when those feelings you’re supposed to have will come in. You wish people would stop talking about the milk and start explaining when the lightning bolts and protective urges will start to well up.
Relax. They will come. Before you know it you will find yourself leaning in closely to the bullies in his class and reminding them that God is watching in an attempt to get them to back the fuck off your child. And you will not feel the least bit ashamed.
It will all be OK.
However. This plan you have that you’re number one goal is to make sure that this child knows he is loved by lots and lots and lots of people? Ditch that shit now.
Your number one goal should be to raise a well disciplined child who understands the value of a little “me time” - both yours and his. If by some chance you can figure out how to raise a bright, well adjusted child who is also capable of being seen and not heard - write it down. All of it. And sell it.
XOXO
A Slightly More Maternal Miss Britt
————————————————-
Dear 25 Year Old Miss Britt,
You want another baby now, huh? You think this time since it’s all planned and shit and mushy mushy moo everything will be just GRAND? You think one boy, one girl, life will be fucking PEACHY, do you?
Ohhhhh, she’ll be cute all right. And people will smile as your little Kleenex commercial family walks down the street. And you will coo and ahh and think everything is just hunky fucking dory.
And then? And THEN…
Bitch, please. You can barely handle one.
You will be sucked in by all the cuteness and the babiness and the ooey gooey goodness that is an itsy bitsy baby.
And then you will lose your god damned MIND woman! You will be torn limb from limb as you rip apart your two darling siblings. You think you need more quality time now? Bitch, you don’t know the MEANING of “no time” yet. Just wait. Just. You. Wait.
Seriously. Please. Run.
Or hire a full time fucking nanny.
Hugs and Kisses,
One Frazzled Ass Mother Of Two
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How you come up with these wonderful post ideas is amazing. One day you’re going to look back on your life now & wonder how the hell you ever did it all. Because it does sound as though you are doing it ALL.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:23 am
bwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!ok i wanted to post a really good response here but the smileys just made crack up.bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!crazy…
i have to agree with jane there.you are amazing!
back to the smileys….i like this one most i think :sex001:
June 14th, 2007 at 1:31 am
June 14th, 2007 at 2:56 am
That was funny — made my day really! And yes, i think nannies are a smart “investment” ;)
June 14th, 2007 at 4:04 am
Okay, this one warrants a guranteed trip to a SPA. All you need to do is get yourself over to my neck of the woods. The next SPA trip if during October.
Capish?
June 14th, 2007 at 5:47 am
sheesh…is during October.
Need lots of :coffee: obviously!!
June 14th, 2007 at 5:48 am
I can tell you’re frazzled from all the little errors and stuff that you usually would never make. You definitely need a day at the spa. And it would be nice if you also worked/lived with adults, too.
June 14th, 2007 at 6:09 am
hunky fucking dory.
:lmfao:
June 14th, 2007 at 6:09 am
And there you go - proof that Avitable and I are not the same person. Just in case you needed that assurance.
June 14th, 2007 at 6:10 am
I am still in shock that there are people out there who actually WANT to spend all day with my kids, nevermind the fact that I have to pay them to do it. Maybe there is some kind of share-a-nanny program where the nanny can spend a season each year with a different family. Maybe then we could:
1. afford it
2. get SOME freaking peace and quiet - if only for 3 months every year
June 14th, 2007 at 6:22 am
LMAO……I am sorry I am not closer and still a nanny I would take your little “monsters” off your hands for a week like I used to! Bring ‘em down while we are at mom and dad’s. What’s an extra two when we’ll already have our three?!
June 14th, 2007 at 6:30 am
jane: actually, I think I stole this idea from someone else a while ago - I found the title in my drafts last night.
And I really truly don’t do it ALL. My husband works an ass ton of hours and he is also working his butt off when he gets home at night. Getting these houses ready to sell is just a bitch.
I may carry the RESPONSIBILITY, but he really is a pretty good work horse. :whip:
Maisha: they are fun, aren’t they?
(except the damn things go to the bottom of my comments when i click!!)
Maria: :dance:
princess banter: I wonder if you can get one that will take them 24/7??
Wicked H: Hopefully by October that will actually be a little more doable (closeness and not buried wise and all). oooh - now I’m excited!!
avitable: you’re pointing out my problems with yours and you’re and your now? NOW??!
:violent018:
RW: yeah, I always get you guys confused..
ADW: I know, when I see people like that I am overwhelmed with guilt.
More so than normal I mean.
Kristin: Hm, well, maybe someone should email me and tell me when they are going to BE in the same fucking STATE as me, hmmmmmm???
June 14th, 2007 at 7:07 am
Sorry, babe. I just can’t help it - and it’s a good sign of your frazzledness. Which is a new word that I just invented.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:12 am
DUDE.
I realize that I’m not sure how old you are… only that you’re way younger than me (38). Which, as an aside, completely freaks me out that the people I consider my blogging “peers” are mostly 24 - 29, which makes me thing that I’m actually turning into a CREEPY OLD MAN and don’t realize it, which, of course, is what happens.
So, now I’m completely depressed because I’m an aging Gen-Xer trying desperately not to get old, which means that I AM old.
Anyway, I’m going to completely rip off this post, but credit you. What a good idea.
That is, assuming the “offing-myself” attempt fails.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:43 am
Other peoples children ALWAYS listen to me better than my own 2. I am 35 and have been doing daycare in my home for 11.5 years. My son, who is now 9, was a terror at age 2 or so. I used to swear even though I was babysitting for a living….I was sending him to a sitter…HA!
June 14th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Another brilliant post from Miss Britt.
After having Ethan and Kate home for summer break with Maggie, I now realize how much I get done when she is being “entertained” - the nanny thing, I might consider that if I can sell the other house. :dazed:
June 14th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Brilliant idea and too bad we can’t do that… Warn our younger selves about htings.
June 14th, 2007 at 10:32 am
You crack me up!
Ah, if only I could go back to those days with the wisdom of 37… But then I’ll probably think the same about going back to 37 when I am 85…
June 14th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
You should write a post to yourself from 15 years in the future too… That would be interesting to see.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
I’m glad you aren’t carrying the load alone. I’d forgotten about the 2 house situation, so hopefully things will calm down when this is all over.
I like Sheila’s idea.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
i would love to warn my younger self about things, but then i wouldn’t be today the woman that i am. we learn from our mistakes as well as our successes.
which reminds me…today i told a friend my favorite phrase that my mom used to always say, “i gave you the gift of bad example. learn from it!”
June 14th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
My letter to my younger self would include congratulations for getting the tubes tied after baby #3. And the recommendation to stop eating so freakin’ much.
June 14th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
You’ve actually intimidated small children by telling them God is watching?
June 14th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
avitable: Gawd, you ARE a republitard, aren’t you?
Rich: you’re the youngest old guy I know
pnbzmom: other people’s children listen to me as well, because they are terrified
AmyD: I need a take a bow smiley I think!
themuttprincess: my younger self wouldn’t have listened anyway *sigh*
DutchBitch: yeah, I’m sure my older, wiser mother tried to offer me advice at the time too. Pfft
Sheila: oooh… that would be good!
jane: that’s what I keep telling myself anyway..
hellohahanarf: welcome to the site - now, no more being wise and shit. You make the rest of us look bad!! LOL
Kristi: I’m holding out for anything permanent until my next milestone birthday
Joefish: I know, you’re horrified.
Don’t worry Joe, I’m a CCD teacher. It’s in the contract that we can do that.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Don’t worry darling - grandbabies make it all worth while.
June 14th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Brilliant post, Britt…as usual. :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
June 14th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Ooh! OOH! :violent018: :violent018:
June 14th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
I guess now I know what is to come of my life thanks! And don’t you go hating me, not even just a little bit!!
June 14th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I’m a little bit interested in the full time “fucking nanny”. Now that’s a service provider!
(sorry, couldn’t help it!)
June 14th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
As mother to 1, having finally got rid of poop, puke, snot (for the most part) and finally packed my 1 and only off to school, I say yes, go to the spa and think about it. But newborns are lovely; the smell, the cuddles, the softness of their hair….. ok, I’ll shut up now and get my coat!
June 15th, 2007 at 4:43 am
Too funny Brit.
And I see you figured out the commenting error! Yay! I can comment again! :thumbsup:
June 15th, 2007 at 8:26 am
Mom: if I say “fuck you mommy” in front of the whole blogosphere, you’re going to go back to that whole “i’m a spoiled brat” thing again, aren’t you?
(OMG, that smiley is actually called “Nana”! LOL)
DaisyJo: thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week!
avitable: don’t OOH me boy, can’t you make up some word or something that would be more appropriate here?
debkitty: well don’t you go getting all “Motherhood ROCKS!” and making it look easy and shit then!! LOL
Erin: my husband has added it into the contract. Bastard.
Sam: yeah, that’s where I would be at right now too had I not thought “OOOH, BABY!!!” and decided to start ALLLL over again.
Thank God she’s cute.
J.: yes, I did fix the comment thingy - because I am all brilliant like that and shit!!!
June 15th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Fucktwatternut?
June 15th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Brilliant!!
(when I say that, do you properly imagine it in a clipped British accent?)
June 15th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Not from you - I hear it in more of a slow, Midwestern drawl.
June 15th, 2007 at 10:10 am
“Or hire a full time fucking nanny.” Just who is she fucking anyway?!
June 15th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
My brother and I are 7 years apart and we now are really good friends.
That took until he was about 24, though. So hang in there another 20 years and everything will be fabulous!!!!
June 15th, 2007 at 8:49 pm