HA! Someone DOES want my advice! (and if YOU would like to Ask Miss Britt, email me, britt@miss-britt.com)
Anyway…
Hi,I am in need of some advice and maybe you could use this for your Monday thing.My ex-boyfriend with whom I have three kids with, has just been released from the county jail after serving six months for violating a restraining order which I placed on him about a year ago.
He is still infatuated with me, who isn’t? So I think you can see where this is going…
Do I go along until something happens again, which in turn makes him very happy or do I move out of the state taking the three boys and changing our names on the way. (Hey, it works for the mexicans!)
I am not completely against a “do over” or a “give him another go”. I mean I am still attracted to him but he just gets a little crazy sometimes.(Miss Britt Edited To Add: This is the point where my head damn near explodes.)
Prior to all this we had been together on and off for fifteen years. Kids are 13, 12, and 2.
Thanks for your input I really don’t know what to do and maybe someone elses opinion, besides my mother’s, will help me.
Hugs and Kisses
When I originally got this I wrote a lengthy rant about why women keep going back to Bad Men. But, my experience has taught me that those rants are useless. So I will sum it all up by saying this:
1. There are some rules that I try to live by. Rules that I strongly believe everyone really, truly, should live by. One of those rules is: Thou Shalt Not Have A Relationship With Anyone Whom You Have Ever Ever Ever Had A Restraining Order Against. Period. The End.
2. Nothing I can say will, ultimately, mean jack shit. And knowing that fucking kills me. Bad Men are Bad News. I know that because I’ve grown up around a lot of bad men. Really BAD men. Not good men who do bad things. Not men that “no one else understands”. Bad men. Period. The end. Any man who requires a restraining order is bad. And it is difficult for me to have sympathy - or even empathy - for any woman who would give a man like that another chance.
But I try. I really do. Because, in all honesty, my mom was one of “those women” for a really long time. (I put that in quotes because I know that even if I don’t, that is exactly how she will read it). I love my mother. We go rounds, don’t get me wrong. But I love her. And I know that she loves me. And I know that she did the very best that she could with what she had and what she knew at the time.
I know that now. As a grown woman, and a wife and a mother myself. I know that we just do the very fucking best that we can with what we’ve got.
And even though I know that unless you’re ready to hear this, it just won’t matter - I have to tell you. I have to tell you what it’s like as one of those kids. I have to tell you because so many times I hear women say “we have kids together” and “the kids LOVE their dad” and “but he LOVES the kids”. And people like to speak for those kids… people who have no business doing so, in my opinion.
Those kids? Are better off with NO dad. They are better off dealing with the confusion and the abandonment and the embarrassment. Because as painful and difficult as having no dad is, it is still better than the alternative.
The alternative is…
Wondering why your mother always chooses a man over you. Wondering why she isn’t “strong” enough to walk away. Wondering why she isn’t good enough, why you aren’t good enough, to have better. Wondering what is wrong with you that you can be so angry with your parents - your mother and your father - because kids just aren’t supposed to BE mad at their parents, right?
Having no parent is better than having a bad parent. Having one parent is better than having one parent who treats the second parent like shit. Having only one parent and no dad really, truly, is better than the alternative.
So, what should you do?
Ideally, you should be strong enough to hang on to your life just the way it is and keep him out of it. Ideally, you should not have to uproot yourself and those three kids - who I imagine have already been through Enough - in order to protect yourselves from him.
But sometimes you have to put on your big girl panties and admit your weaknesses and DEAL. You have to say, fuck, I should be able to handle this… but I can’t.
And if there is ANY doubt in your mind that you will not be able to stay away - or keep him away - than you should run. Run. Like. Hell. You admit your “weaknesses” and you hedge your bets. You set yourself up to succeed. You make it so it is impossible for you to give in to that temptation. You put those kids first, even if it fucking kills you.
And that, my friend, is what Miss Britt Would Do.
At least, I hope like hell it is.
Yours Truly,
Miss Britt
Psst... thanks for stopping by! I hope I didn't traumatize you too badly on your first visit. Remember to subscribe to my RSS feed if you want updates from the site!
Posted in Love and Marriage
All that I can say in response to your advice is AMEN!
I was one of “those kids.” The kind with one really horrific biological parent. The truth is, that when I was very little, I wanted my mom & father back together. I wanted that badly.
In retrospect, I can only thank the Powers That Be that my mom, finally - after putting up with it for way too long - had a lot more sense than I did as a kid. She finally did run. And ran like hell. She had to, for both her sake and mine.
I don’t care how attractive, well-off (or poor), great in the sack, etc a man is - I agree with Miss Britt! Anyone you’ve ever had to file a restraining order against is NOT someone you should even consider going back to.
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Abusers NEVER, EVER change. Period. IT only gets worse. Been there done that and I have a nice broken collar bone that never healed right to prove it.
I grew up with a girl whose Mom decided to give a man that second chance. A few months later my friend had to move in with her grandparents…her Mom was killed…brutally…by that man.
I totally agree with Miss Britt’s advice.
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You so smaht!
That “mexicans” line made me instantly lose any respect or sympathy for the person who asked the question.
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Your answer is spot-on. Even if this woman doesn’t heed your advice, this post might just spur another woman in trouble to do the right thing for herself and children.
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All I can say is: Oh Wow, right on!!!
Well that is not all I can say…
I grew up with an abusive step-parent. I even had my “mother” - while taking me to the freaking ER after he hit me with a 2×4 beg me, crying, not to tell anyone what had really happened.
If you are reading this post - question asker - THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. There is no way that you should ever put them in that position.
Here is a question that you need to ask yourself:
“Would I rather be with this man now, or would I rather have my 3 children grow up to hate my guts?”
I am telling you right now, with 100% certainty, that will be what happens (Or something even worse) if you let this guy back into your life.
And if you decide that it is more important that you are with him at this time, then I hope children services takes your kids away you stupid fucking cunt.
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did you broke your blog? I had to highlight to read this, the background is gone on the index page though I see it here,
This is a job for SUPER JOE. Make him look at it in Opera. Geez.
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It’s broken in FF, too, but only the main page.
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Hell yeah! Your first rule says it all. That is my personal mantra.
That and: do unto others as you want others to do unto you. Simple enough, but it took me years and years and 2 failed marriages (restraining orders, court dates and a hellova lot of heartache) to figure it out. Now I am cured.
Great advice!
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I totally agree w/ Avitable. Like she is trying to be witty but ended up sounding like a fool.
I think you gave great advice. My Mom was one who ran. And ran. And ran with us kids. Nothing but good came from it. I don’t miss him. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. Fuck him. I’m not saying times weren’t tough, of course. The sad thing is that she won’t listen…..they rarely do.
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Hey baby,
You’re right, I was one of those women…and I didn’t know which way to turn for the life of me. On the one hand you have these rational thoughts, the ones you expressed, and on the other hand, if one’s faith means anything to you, you have the “ideal” to live up to, trying to be the “good Christian wife”, “for better or worse”. And if you don’t have a clear idea of what that is, you try to figure it out on your own - generally with some pretty mixed up results.
Guilt is a woman’s birthright and the worse abuse an abuser does is not physical, it’s the emotional and psychological erosion, the self-doubt.
It takes a long time to recover and come back from that, but it can be done.
I remember a police officer saying to me “Well, you must LIKE it, you keep coming back” when they told me WE had to leave. And I thought “No, that’s not FAIR. HE’S the one doing bad things - HE should have to be the one who leaves - not us! This is our HOME.”
Took me a long long long long time to say screw “fair”.
Love you baby.
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I am still in shock- is that actually a real email that you received?
I don’t want to take away from the fact that this is a genuinely abused woman who probably has low self-esteem, fear and a plethora of other “issues.”
However I think it is acsolutely absurd that someone would take a monumentally serious situation like this and reduce it to an email blog that will be posted for the world to see.
And then to end it with “hugs & kisses” !!
I think you gave phenomenal advice Britt, it’s too bad that someone that ridiculous will probably just laugh it off and not take it seriously.
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Britt: Well said my dear. In my profession we hand out the restrainings orders, make the woman feel safe, and the next day she bails him out and has the order is dropped. More women need to listen to your advise. If the dead beat worthless A holes knew they would be history for treating their better halves that way, then a lot of it would stop. But men actually laugh at me as I book them in, saying they will be back together before my paper work is done. I have never raised a hand to a lady, never will. Dropped one female in the line of duty, but notice I said female, not LADY. Women need to realize that in most relationships, at least the ones based on moral values and trust, and especially love, they are an equal, and should be treated as such, and let me just add, that it is not always the women who need the restraining order, but regardless, if someone treats you like shit, then FLUSH their ass my dear. There are a lot of people in this world who will truly Love you for who you are. More people need to see their soul mate from the inside first. Love does exist, but you must be willing to look for it.
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AMEN.
I have had 6 restraining orders against my ex husband. I NEVER went back after the first one, he just kept harassing me, stalking me, threatening me.
I have taken him back to court, I have sole custody of our daughters and when they finish school in 3 weeks, we are moving out of town, to start our life over.
Without him.
It’s not soon enough
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Grrlie: I don’t ever remember wanting my mom and step dad back together, but it was probably different because he was my step dad. I know my little brothers felt differently at times.
Denise: that’s always my thing - I’ve never heard of a man who only hit once. Ever.
avitable: It’s not that I don’t have respect for her. The “mexicans” thing I think was kind of off the cuff and not really the point. I should have edited it out.
The thing is, there was a time when I may have said I didn’t have “respect for” a woman in that situation. But I really think it’s one of those things where it’s hard to understand the control they have on you unless you’ve seen it or felt it up close and personal.
Geeky Tai-Tai: if only it were that easy…
ADW: I’m really sorry you had to go through that with your mom and are still having to deal with those emotions. Really. Seriously. I know how hard that is.
Miss Ann Thrope: ah CRAP!!!!! I didn’t do nuthin!!!
avitable: why aren’t you spending your day trying to fix it!??! :twisted:
themuttprincess: thanks - I try to remember that it takes most women the same long journey it took you.
Bri: good for her! and good for you, too.
Mom: I love you too :mrgreen:
Princess of the Universe: well I’m not going to slam someone for asking the question - I DID ask for them. And when you’re in that situation? It’s really, really easy to feel like you have no outlet. No one to talk to. No one to ask. No one to trust.
I am the last person to judge someone for reaching out on the Internet.
Terry: I would never be able to do what you do. I’d have killed someone by now. :mrgreen:
MsBatman: woah! was THIS the guy you were trying to understand better a few months ago?!?! Wow.
Well, regardless, good for you for getting out.
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I only had the problem with the “mexicans” part. Until I know someone, I never have respect for them.
And I tried to fix it! But it’s beyond my capability.
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Amen!
My mother is still angry at my father because he disowned me when I was 12, but didn’t do the same with my sisters. I tell her I was better off.
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he definitely sounds like bad news…’infatuation’ usually isn’t a good thing, and the violating his restraining order part doesn’t help either. get out!!!
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Honestly it does usually take most people a long ass trip or a voyage really to learn that you need to have people around you that make you feel good about yourself. Not scared.
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Great advice Britt! I was one of those kids as well. I know part of the reason I can’t maintain long term relationships well is because I grew up in a houshold in which I hated my father and did not respect my mother and thought she was weak and I’d NEVER put up with that shit!! I have an extreme case of “not putting up with shit”. I can’t put up with ANY kind of shit - so I walk/run away pretty quickly. That kind of shit screws up kids terribly. DON’T DO IT I say.
I agree 100% - better no Dad than a shitty Dad! PERIOD!
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I received this by email, and I’m not going to post who the advice seeker was - but I do think she has a right to respond.
Miss Britt -Thank you for taking the time to give me advise. I appreciate every word and will do my best to protect my kids and myself.
Grrlie - Again, great advise. Remember though that not all people are strong enough to walk away.
Denise - Glad to see your past it. My ex is more a verbal abuser than a physical abuser.
Avitable - Yeah, I hide behind a bad sense of humor. I was out of line, please accept my apologies.
Geeky - right on. I hoped that this is what I would hear. My life story saved someone else from the same mistake. I see a book deal in my future.
ADW - I apreciate your kind thoughts. However someone in my position who has to ask for advise is not someone who is stupid, remember there are no stupid questions. Fucking cunt would have been just fine.
themuttprincess - I agree, but again some of us do not have the guts to try it on our own yet.
Bri - A fool I am. In more ways than one.
Mom - Yeah, both my parents are still married. I still think that that is how it should be.
Princess - This serious situation was not reduced, it was expanded. Do you think we should just sweep it under the rug and not air the dirty laundry? I have found this to be most therapeutic. Did I really sign it with Huggs and Kisses?
Terry - Great advise as well. I should know, I dropped the other four restraining orders! Not always right away but still.
Ms Batman - I want to move so bad, I really think that its the only thing to do. But I just don’t have the funds to do it.
Miss Britt - your the BEST. I don’t know you but you stuck up for me as best you could. You did ask for it!
Maria - Damn, that hurts. Ouch!
Webmiztris - I’m gonna try.
Themuttprincess - Thats another thing. I have lived in the same town for all my life. Yet I have no real friends anymore. I have other moms that my kids are friends with their kids but I would not share this part of my life with them. When does the ship stop so I can get off?
For my part, I will say that I understand the knee jerk reaction to say “What the fuck is WRONG with someone who would do that?!?!”
But I also know that doesn’t help. When someone’s sense of self has already been eroded, it’s just… different.
That being said, I do whole heartedly stick with my original thought. Run. For your sake. And for theirs.
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You’re right- I shouldn’t judge.
It’s an awful situation to be in, and hopefully Britt’s advice helped and/or gave a different perspective.
I apologise for not being as tactful and compassionate as the situation deserved.
I wish the advice seeker the best of luck.
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I stick with my original post.
If there are children involved - RUN - go and RUN. Do not for any reason whatsover drop the restraining order.
I feel for you, but you are the one who has dropped 3 or 4 restraining orders when there was good reason to have them anyway.
I was a victim of child abuse and I have ZERO tolerance for anyone to be in a situation where their children are exposed to any kind of abuse. So, I stick with my original statement - and add on a wish that you get professional help with this problem.
I am not a total bitch - I will wish you and your chidren the best and I hope you get out of this situation. However, I am in a position to judge - I have been put through this, the only difference was that my real “mother” did not give two shits about us - at least you are trying, BUT - don’t do this to your children - they deserve better.
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To whom asked the question:
The ship stops when you want it to. First and foremost you need to take care of you and your kids. The kids being the most important thing. I know it is hard, having left 2 abusive people in my life, but personally having my kid as a crutch made it easier. IF I didn’t have my son I probably would still be with the first asshole. And if not, then definatly the 2nd asshole–because I was too stupid, dumb, young and thought I could “change” him to be strong for myself. I left and found a better life 2x now FOR MY SON. And he is better because if it. (and naturally so am I)
Good luck.
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Took me all day to get here and all I can say is - well done! Sometimes emotional abuse is worse than physical - bruises heal but the emotional damage takes far, far longer to get over.
The best thing I ever did was get out and stay far, far away.
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Verbal abuse is far worse than physical abuse. The marriage that I’m ending right now was full of emotional and verbal abuse and it destroyed me far more than hitting ever could. He broke me down to the point that I actually believed that I couldn’t make it without him. He made me believe that I was shit.
Get out. Don’t look back. Don’t listen to his sob stories and bullshit-filled apologies. He’ll try to romance you into coming back. He will not change.
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Great advice to whoever wrote you that…
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I have to give some input on this subject as it is one very dear to my heart. I will try not to become too wordy.
May 29, 2007 is my first anniversary of escaping a bad relationship. Like many it started as only verbal. It escalated to myself and my then 5 yo being held hostage in our own home for 7 months. I was not even able to get help for a full 24 hours after the worst beating. I wouldn’t even be alive today if my daughter hadn’t begged him “Please don’t cut my Mommy up in little pieces!” He finally came to his senses and stopped the 3 hour long beating. The next morning he let me shower and wash all of the dried blood off of me so I could make his elaborate breakfast. I dreamed of putting rat poison in it.
By some miracle from God he ran out of beer in the afternoon. He let me take the car to go get beer because he knew I would be humiliated for people to see me all beaten up. I called the police and went home. they got there a little while after I got home.
But guess what? They made me leave. I got 15 minutes to gather my things. I got a Protection Order the next day and pressed charges. Even though I had multiple concussions, 2 black eyes, had been raped, and had a gash on my head that needed stitches, he walked. That county in Alabama “doesn’t have a DV problem”.
I move he finds me. I change my phone # he gets it. I pray every day he will either die or find someone else and leave me alone.
I was actually told that if I get a gun and shoot him if he comes onto my property I will be in the wrong.
Is it any wonder women are afraid to leave?
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Wow! I have lived a privileged life. Parents that loved me, and although divorced, still have the utmost respect for each other and their new partners. None of my close friends of family have ever suffered from similar cases of abuse.
I admit being a black or white kinda girl, I have always though “why the hell would someone put up with that” or “If they won’t help themselves, they don’t deserve my sympathy”.
So miss-britt, if your words of wisdom miss their mark on the intended person, I want you to know that I listened and now realise that things aren’t always black and white,and if unfortunately, someone close to me experiences a similar experience, I will recall your care and compassion, and hope to be as supportive as you obviously are.
That will require me to learn to be more patient with people, but I WILL try.
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I can understand where the person that is asking for advice is coming from. I applaud you for asking for help and reaching out!! I also applaud Miss Britt for her wisdom on this subject, and her awesome advice!!
You see, I too was in an abusive relationship for five years. I won’t tell you about all of the details, but I will tell you that it started with verbal and emotional abuse, and ended with me having an eight month stay in the hospital with a broken back. There was an officer outside of the door to my room at all times.
I was moved from state to state for my own protection, and have since had to change my name and social security number to keep him away (I haven’t seen or heard from him since), and have been happily re-married now for two years.
***TO ANYONE READING THIS***
Please, if you are in an abusive relationship, leave. It does start with name calling and verbal abuse, but it will only get worse. While it might hurt you in the beginning to be away from the dick, it will hurt you more in the long run to stay..emotionally, physically, and more. If there are children involved and you cannot do it for yourself, I beg you to do it for them.
***If You Need Help***
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They will help get you into contact with a DV shelter in your area, plan your escape, and even pay to move you (and your children) to another state if you feel the need. They are available 7 days a week, 24 hours a day and even have translators.
Please get the help you need before it is too late.
All of my Courage and Support,
Angel
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Gabriell why don’t you post his name and address and maybe someone might “take care of him” for you. There is nothing worse than a bully. That is all they are. My wife’s first husband was like that and it took hert years to finally get away from him. He was a probation officer in Mass. and had a gun for work. The restraining order took that away and he almost lost his job. GUESS whose fault that was. When we met she did not know how to be in a relationship. I had to give her alot of “room”. She tried to run many times but really did not want to. She just did not know how to let someone treat her like a lady and a person. We have been together 15 years now and once in a while the old tapes play and she goes off on something. She realizes it and we can laugh about it now. That took a while. We both are very thankful we found each other and she finally has someone that loves her and lets her be herself and treats her like a princess. Her ex is Larry Means from Stoneham. The slug doesn’t deserve to be waisting the planet’s oxygen.
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That’s a great idea Roy Ward Jr., Athens Al. 6′2″ Blue eyes and about 300 tattoos. Oh and I forgot to mention he was even on probation when all of this happened. His PO said to me that he knows how “bitches” can be when a relationship is over and they know the man is on pro. And I thought “Um, you sir can go to hell. Not metaphorically, literally, go straight the fuck to hell. I hope you get a girlfriend who beats you.”
I’m very glad to hear that your wife has someone to care for her now. I on the other hand am much happier alone. I’m doing the therapy thing and get plenty of offers, but I do not ever want to have anyone touch me in any way good or bad again.
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