I’m overwhelmed lately by the passage of time. Namely, how fucking fast it all moves.
I find myself gripped with this fear and panic, a plausible feeling that makes my chest go tight. What if I can’t get it all done? What if I miss it?
It can by any number of things. Big things, monumental things - like visiting the Eiffel Tower, building a house, being able to afford retirement. Little things, important things - like sitting with my children, just… sitting. Taking the time to develop my friendships and nurture my family.
What if my grandparents die, and I didn’t get enough time with them?
What if my kid grow up, and I didn’t kiss them and hold them and give them enough?
What if I wake up one day and I’m 30 or 40 or 60… or 90… and I haven’t accomplished… anything?
I constantly feel like I’m chasing the clock, running after hours and days and weeks and years and never quite being able to get a firm hold on… anything. I fear that I spend so much time running that I miss the Right Now. But fuck I just don’t have time now for Right Now.
But someday I will. I mean, someday I’ll get it all done and I’ll be able to relax and just… be. Right?
Some day…
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First: I TOTALLY hear you. I used to miss everything in anticipation/worry about the NEXT thing. There was never any NOW. Over the last decade or so, I’ve gotten that fixed by, oh, about 25% or so. Which pissed me off, for a while, until I realized that the rate of “improvement” I’m expecting is an example of that same fucking problem.
Dude. We are who we are. We can make adjustments. I think. Argh.
Second, a tiny bit of cross-blog commentary: I don’t quite understand the comment you left me yesterday. Feel totally free to elaborate/explain, if you’d like. (rich at championable dot com is my email)
Sorry if this comment if quick n’ rambly, I have to catch the 5:45am train… yikes.
May 9th, 2007 at 4:24 am
I hear ya.
I’m 30 and I still haven’t written my book, sold my invention, made my first million that didn’t belong to someone else, or done any number of things I have on a list.
I try to make time for the little things, though, because they are the things that matter. And you need to do that more, too.
The rest will fall into place because of who you are.
May 9th, 2007 at 6:45 am
Hey I hear ya…. But you can not let the “what if’s” control your life–otherwise they will overwhelm you… And for what? Nothing, that’s what.
It is funny you posted this today.. Just as I was driving into work something hit me (divine intervention of sorts) and I realized I need to be thankful for what I DO HAVE. Not what I want, or need in the future…. I need to live in today more and not take tomorrow for granted. I have tried to live my life remembering that tomorrow is promised to no one…
The thing is I am a person that lives for the “next” thing. It doesnt matter if it is a move, a vacation, new pet or whatever… I always want that next thing… And I forget to enjoy today. That is what I am working on.
I have no idea if that helps you, but I feel as if I know what you feel… (if that makes any sense)
May 9th, 2007 at 9:43 am
Nope. Once you hit 30 times starts flying by and suddenly it’s Sunday and then the next Sunday and then the next and you have no idea why the ride keeps getting faster and faster and you can’t even beg the carny to slow it down even just a tiny bit.
Deep breaths, one (or five) thing(s) at a time, and just know that you need to live your life and stop worrying about it running by you at warp speed.
May 9th, 2007 at 10:07 am
Poppy has an excellent point, once you hit 30 (at the ripe old age of 31 here, LOL) the weeks DO start going faster and faster.
We could probably all use a lesson on living in the moment, you know?
May 9th, 2007 at 10:37 am
I just turned around and realized I will be 60 next month. Last I remember I was 42. You think time fly’s by now. Wait a few years.
May 9th, 2007 at 11:48 am
I’d have to say ‘no’, there’s never a time where you feel you can just kick back & relax. “Things” like the Eiffel Tower, a house, monetary things, can always be bought.
But as for your family…we’re never guaranteed tomorrow, or for that matter, the end of today. MAKE the time to spend with them.
I can remember being around your age & feeling the same, now my dad, my kid’s Papa has been gone for 14 years. I didn’t tell him I loved him enough or sit & just listen to him. If I knew then what I know now, I would have made the time.
Britt, please learn from the mistakes of others & take time to smell the flowers, literally.
May 9th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Wow, now that’s a downer.
May 9th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
There’s just no way to say this and not sound like a sanciimonious prick, so I’m sorry for that right up front.
But I used to be exactly EGGS-ACT-LEE like what you describe. And it led me down a path that resulted in my doing things I never, ever thought I do (also resulting in a healthy dose of self-loathing, I might add). I guess sometimes change requires you to hit rock bottom - even from the wrong side of a barred door - before you realize you’re chasing the wrong goal. God, even remembering those days makes me kinda sick of myself. Anyway…
Now, I don’t worry at all. The person I was then seems so distant from the one I see in the mirror today. I don’t have the money or the “things” I had then, but those things never filled the hole anyway. What I do have is a firm understanding of who REALLY cares for me and more time than I ever thought I’d have to enjoy them all. If you’re interested in the details, think a change might maybe perhaps is something you want, or just want to call me a fucking idiot, you can check out my alter ego lifestyle here: http://www.freerangefamily.com
Lastly, I sense a great deal of how I used to be in even the short entry you made today, and I hate knowing anyone else feels like that. So if you want to vent to someone who’s past that road (as if you don’t already have a hundred other people to whom you can turn), I’m here with an open ear.
May 9th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
We all go through this at some point and to some degree and sometimes go through it several times….
But hey you know what? Fuck it! Do what you can when you can and just try and live in each moment, don’t half ass one single moment and then you will be truly happy right??? Don’t you dare say no or my world will crumble??!!?!?!!
May 9th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
Breath, grasshopper…
May 9th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Hey toots, this is what I realized a while ago.
I’m a Christian, right? Thus, I believe in an eternity in heaven, right?
Thus, I believe I will have an ETERNITY to do all the things I really want/have a yen to do. Like bungee jump (with the added bonus of guaranteed no danger), learn to speak Italian, learn to cook Chinese, etc.
It’s a workable idea for me anyway. :mrgreen:
May 9th, 2007 at 11:04 pm
Oh god, you just depressed the shit out of me. I turned 30 AND 40 and feel I haven’t accomplished anything.
May 10th, 2007 at 6:49 am
Same here. Time goes by so fast, I can’t keep track of what day of the week it is–no joke.
And I’m reading this 4 days later :roll:
May 13th, 2007 at 8:14 am
As you can see you definitely aren’t the only one feelin like this…the best thing to do is just live life one day at a time and keep breathing :)
May 14th, 2007 at 12:03 pm