I hate Monday posts. Do you know why? Because they are written on Sunday night. And it is almost guaranfuckingteed that by Sunday night I will be exhausted from the lengthy Shit To Do list I’ve tackled over the weekend.
(And shut up, that is totally a word.)
Anyway. Monday posts suck ass and Sunday nights filled with brain wracking and blogger guilt. Normally.
But no more!! Because from here on out (or, for at least this week) Mondays are for lazy blogging “What Would Miss Britt Do?” (arg, I think I need different punctuation there…)
ANYWAY. Here’s the deal. I got an email asking for advice. An unsolicited email from a reader who wanted ME to tell HER what to do with her life.
Do you know how long I have been WAITING for this day?! Do you KNOW how many times I have said “if people would just ask me how to live their lives…”?!
And now, I have the chance to fulfill a lifelong dream - and technically I can’t be called a judgemental bitch. Because I was ASKED.
So - before I get to the question and brilliance, just a heads up that if anyone else out there wants me to judge guide or advise them on important matters, email me and I will enlighten you answer the best I can. (I won’t post your real name or email address. Unless you piss me off. Then, all bets are off).
OK, now, the question of the week (doesn’t that sound all official and shit?!):
Hey Britt,
I read your blog daily and miss it terribly on the on the weekends and you basically rock more than anyone else in the entire world. So, it only seems fitting to me that I come to you with my new problem…
I am married, have two kids, blah blah blah, you know the story. Anyways, lately there has been this new person on my mind. I don’t know if this person and I have a “real connection” or if it’s just me wishing that there was something. Today I was talking to him and I wasn’t sure if he was looking at me like I was a complete idiot or if he was gazing into my beautiful eyes wishing he was kissing me (as I was with him)…anyways…what do I do??
And please don’t give me the kind of advice I don’t want to hear like, “leave him alone, your married!” LOL Really though, what do I do??
Hope to hear from you soon,
Pipper
Ohhhh, Pipper. Honey. Trust me.
Been there. Done that. Too ashamed to wear the T-Shirt.
Here’s the thing about marriage - it’s boring as fuck. Sometimes. I mean it’s LIFE - real, daily, tedious, life. And sometimes in life you just don’t get those Oh My God Is He Wanting To Kiss Me Right Now?!?! moments like we seemed to get every damn day when we were 16.
Here’s the thing about flings and crushes and inappropriate romances - they aren’t life. Not real life. I mean, they are definitely a part of life that almost all women experience at one time or another. Some women dance closer to the fire than others (and some dive in head first).
But it’s not REAL life. It’s fun and flirty and makes you feel like a 16 year old kid again - and then it’s over.
But here’s the thing about being a 16 year old girl. Do you remember that? Do you remember the doubt and the uncertainty and yes it was fun but holy shit did you have any CLUE who you were and what you wanted and what you could expect from other people?
Maybe I’m projecting here (surely, obviously, I am) but it’s easy to forget why we chose to get married and “settle down” in the first place. We long for the excitement and the flutters and the anticipation. But we forget about the insecurities and uncertainties and the Walk Of Shame as well as Watching The Phone Because He Is Still Not Calling days.
Holy crap I’m rambling. This debut of my new weekly “thing” is not going well.
ANYway, my point. Shit. Fuck. Surely there was a point here.
Ah yes - it will not turn out the way you imagine. The end result will fall far short of your fantasies, gauranfuckingteed. And flirting is fun - and usually harmless. And I am a ginormous fan of The Flirting. But anything beyond that is just. not. worth it.
So what do you do? Stay away. Spend time with the hubby. And before you know it, you won’t even remember ol’ Hot Lips What’s His Name.
Hope that helps!
Miss Britt
Fuck. I told you. Sunday night - brain mush. Send me your questions EARLY in the week and dear God let’s all hope I have more time to prepare. And think. And like write some coherent shit.
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It’s a good thing she didn’t ask Avi. He’d tell her to listen to her inner demon and sleep with the guy! :twisted:
Of course, I think she should at least have oral sex with him…Clinton did it and it wasn’t considered “sexual relations”.
April 30th, 2007 at 5:07 am
Remember…Curiosity killed that cat, and all that shit.
April 30th, 2007 at 5:45 am
Denise, I wouldn’t tell that to someone who was married!
I like the idea of a Monday morning WWMBD. What type of questions do you want?
April 30th, 2007 at 6:26 am
So, like, the advice is, like no?
April 30th, 2007 at 7:16 am
DeniseTN: she’d probably prefer your advice!
heather: yeah, I think it lost a leg or something too
avitable: I don’t know - whatever questions are tormenting you and keeping you up at night. :mrgreen:
RW: you’re totally making fun of how completely craptastic I am today, aren’t you?
April 30th, 2007 at 7:51 am
I would need photos (nude) and bank statements of the crush and the husband before making any rash decisions.
April 30th, 2007 at 9:23 am
Holy hell, that honestly was a real answer. I love it. Especially about being married is boring–but essentially in the good way….
April 30th, 2007 at 9:30 am
I’m pretty sure WWMBD is a sign of the coming apocalypse.
April 30th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Avi - You gave me that advice and I’m still technically married.
Miss Britt - I totally forgot to compliment you on your style. I love the brutal honesty.
April 30th, 2007 at 10:02 am
Technically doesn’t count, Denise!
April 30th, 2007 at 10:07 am
:twisted:
dangnabbit I had a great comment here and it err’d out. F F F F F :twisted:
In short: Love this post, great advice, love my family, John Bon Jovi and sex. You fugger it out.
April 30th, 2007 at 10:51 am
Nice babe. And very true. Lord, if I had a nickel for every time…..:oops:
April 30th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Avi - “Technically” certainly does count when it can be used against you in a court of law.
April 30th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Well, that’s a good point. Wait until the papers are signed before you have sex with the hot teacher, okay?
April 30th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Unsolicited… hmmm.
How much did you pay her AFTER you got the email?
And, great advice. :mrgreen:
April 30th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Miss B,
That was spectacular. You should have a syndicated column a la Carrie Bradshaw.
April 30th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
“Lengthy” IS a word…… here’s no doubt about it!
Are you sure you didn’t mean “lengthular”? :-)
April 30th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Wow, if I ever have that problem I’ll just think about what you said Miss Britt. It made a lot of sense and I’m sure that lady got her answers!
April 30th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Hmmmm… Good advice. So basically, marraige is boring, but you are fucking stuck with it, so make the best of it?
April 30th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Mist 1: aren’t bank statements the same thing as nude pictures? :?:
themuttprincess: would you expect anything less from me? :mrgreen:
Joefish: you are getting dangerously close to getting yourself kicked out of the fan club.
Denise: don’t let it happen again!
avitable: quit encouraging whorishness - that’s what YOUR blog is for
Doo Dah: I also love Bon Jovi. Even new shiny plastic Bon Jovi.
Mom: T-shirts are way cooler than nickels anyway
Denise: no one should be taking advice from Avi anyway. ever.
AmyD: legally, I am not allowed to comment
Princess of the Universe: I totally agree. Please get to speaking with The Powers That Be about that.
Joe the Troll: are you lost?
Miss Misery: yes, and if you have any questions on life in the mean time, you know where to go… :mrgreen:
April 30th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
ADW: Ummmm… or…. long term happiness is way better than short term butterflies. :grin:
April 30th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I can’t help it if I am an enabler. Now show me your boobs!
April 30th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
“are you lost?”
No, I guess I just have the wrong type of humor for this room…..
April 30th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
All I know is this room is freezing:shock:
Oh wait, maybe that is my office.
Great advice Britt.
April 30th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Joe the Troll seems to have an unnatural preoccupation with length…
(Or maybe it’s completely natural, I don’t know, I’m not a guy)
April 30th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
avitable: I feel like the Boob Nazi:
“No Boobs For You!”
Joe the Troll: or maybe mine is…
ScottsdaleGirl: thank you :mrgreen:
Princess of the Universe: LMAO, boys!
April 30th, 2007 at 9:58 pm
Wait, there’s an actual fan club?
April 30th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Joe: of course! We’re talking about shirts :-)
April 30th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Good advice. Maybe not what someone wants to hear, but you nailed it. Okay, now give me the secrt to making all men want to be my sex slaves…completely and totally under my power.
April 30th, 2007 at 11:49 pm
I like Ryhs’ question - tell us - how do we do that?? lol
Good advice Britt. I totally want to get married now, for sure :lol:. Um, not so much!!
May 1st, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Your email doesn’t work =(
Thanks for stopping by, I feel special. It’s not everyday that I get a new visitor to my blog that calls me a whore. Ahh, good times…
May 2nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm